stars

when i turned 30 a friend of mine gifted me with a reading not tarot cards or some crystal ball but the story of where the stars were aligned at the moment of my birth in relation to where i was on the earth the day i was born the session was about an hour i went in skeptical after all, what could really be revealed by just knowing where the stars were i was expecting some broad stroke interpretation that could ultimately be applied to any one’s life

i was in tears within 5 minutes she said something about my saturn return i had just very recently lost my grandfather coincidentally my dog too guess my grandpa needed him as company more than me and my ex-boyfriend needed to be tethered to a relationship that no longer existed then she went on to talk about the twelve year orbit of jupiter according to her, i was experiencing a gigantic shift 12 years prior a question of who i am, my integrity, my truth that i was in opposition to great forces that had the potential to break me but that i was finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel 12 years prior i was abandoned, disowned, eradicated from my brothers’ lives i lost my parents as i knew them they became shadows of themselves it was 7 long years until we were reunited and we were still, we still are, learning to enjoy that light at the end of the tunnel anyways, she went on to tell me about my personality that i was a full fledged aries in sun, moon, and rising she spoke of leadership, being on the front lines of something huge, something about tapping in to my fire most of it i didn’t grasp, but i was already caught up i was already emotional not knowing the session was coming to an end we had spent so much time clarifying certain details that i can’t remember now about particular planets, energy, loss etc i inquired about my future she got quiet perhaps it was a ploy for me to extend my session or schedule another i can’t recall verbatim, we were running out of time but i do remember her implying that the road ahead during one or another planet’s orbit was going to be rough filled with more hard times i didn’t get the impression happily ever after was near i’m 35 now i have two kids with two different fathers i’m a single mom i still battle with integrity everyday battle with truth constantly duterte is the leader of my motherland brexit happened we are in a war with... people of color the patriarchy the marginalized the privileged and a reality star just became our president i wonder if the stars told her all that i wonder if she saw all this and couldn’t bear tell me after our hour-long bonding tonight i revert to all of it being bullshit tonight it feels like the stars were never meant to align for people like me the pursuit of happiness was never our pursuit to pursue tonight i look up, in an oversized #iamasianamerican t-shirt sandwiched between my kids that i chose to have and pray that, when they were born, the stars were in their favor because america is not

the torch

Who do i think i am What was i thinking What kind of person What kind of heartless lemming Brings a child into this world

Was it not enough That history wrote over our story with a privileged white hand Was it not enough The day the towers fell Was it not enough Our voices being silenced By way of fear, By way of bullet, By way of thrusting by a dumpster, By way of consumer distractions, By way of being born different.

Did i not see the red flags When reality tv stars became presidential candidates When sex tapes became the currency for fame Our farms were replaced by processed food When it became more convenient for us to waste Than to give Did i not see the red flags When they were trying to sell us an abundance problem ‘A lack of’ problem ‘There’s just not enough’ problem When the problem all along was distribution Did i not see the red flags When it became more profitable for them to keep us sick Then it was to actually cure us More profitable to give us pills to sedate us Then providing the tools to heal us When it’s easier to attain a gun Than a driver’s license Did i not see the red flags As cruelty swept humankind with genocide and slavery. Did i not see the red flags When we enslaved ourselves by the computers in our hands.

Who do i think i am Bringing children into this pitiful hate-filled power-hungry narcissistic greedy world.

I wonder if we had the chance to do it all over again Start over from the first atom If civilization would be different

Like what if the filipinos had the dominant voice Would it be different? Would they show more compassion, more dignity You know, heal the world with karaoke songs, feed the people with rice dried on the side of the road Adobo grown in their own backyard Lumpia hand made

...We’d probably still find a way to fuck it up

Is that human nature though? Are we just a series of bad decisions? A victim to our trauma? A result of everything that sets us apart? Ran by the injustices of just existing?

I hope not.

I delivered two little humans into this life. What kind of mother would put her children in harm’s way? They say becoming a parent is one of the most selfless things you can do. I think it might be one of the most selfish. They didn’t ask to be here. And yet i am asking them to inherit the burden of this troubled world. I am asking them to take the baton. I am asking them to rise toward the glare. Asking them to carry the flame, Be the light, Bear the torch that was given to me.

support: patreon.com/ladybasco

to teenage loyal

dear dani—

you don’t know it yet but we are going to become great friends.   You will be written in to my poetry, imbedded in to my songs, sewn in to my book that I will one day write. There will be many road trips, family parties, cities we will move to, couches and beds and floors we will sleep on, meals we will share, songs we will sing, many drunken nights (you drunk me reeling you in), many talks about the future and how we have it all figured out.  We will see each other through great loss and joyous accomplishments.  Heartbreak and disappointment.  New days and forgiveness.  Through the years we will give each other something to look forward to.  You will earn the pen name in my prose ‘Loyal’.

And then the day will arrive, the beginning of the second act of our lives, where we will bear our children and serve the future far greater than what our young minds could have imagined.  And through the realities of motherhood we will discover what we are truly made of.

And along the way you will meet a man, and much like me, you won’t know it yet—he will become your husband, the father of your child.  He will disprove all of your former assumptions of men, carry you and cherish you as your father Jim has.  Have the patience of your mother Tonya and will allow you your space.  He’ll take your crazy, honor your beauty, applaud your strength, celebrate your story before him and provide an outline for your story with him.  He will become a witness and hold the narrative for the rest of your life.

So dani girl, don’t you sweat these curveballs- it is just life after all.  A culmination of tears and laughter.  A pendulum worth experiencing.  It’s all worth it.  No matter the depth of the sorrow or the of height of the happiness-- you will be looked after and safe surrounded by the company of family and friends that contributed to defining you and you will be delivered to the man and the child that will refine you.

My life will have been made greater because you exist.

And one day, one awesome, perfect, brilliant day—I will be in awe in knowing that you have found your place in this world, in knowing that my beautiful friend is in the most capable hands of this man named Gilbert and their daughter Taylor Rose.

Love,

Me

fenix rise

Eyelashes beckon for these cheeks

So close but still out of reach

My belly swells with all your bones

My body built to be your home

Fenix rise

These scars, your sister left for you

These bars, your father’s getting through

Second-hand stretch marks are the proof

Your mama built this map for you

Across the dome under this skin

Behind the ear without a drum

Inside the clicking of this jaw

Between these wrists that go numb

Fenix rise

There is a route to walk upon

And if you get lost be assured

Use your heart as your compass

And when in doubt be of service

Because the folks along the way

I placed them there for you to play

And cry and rage and make a mess

Make love and build a brand new day

...and they grew

[in regards to: sunflowers]

when i wrote this poem there was no melody it was just words to mark a break up a future that would be forever changed my sweet trust.

and then came a garage band beat and the rediscovery of my voice this idea that these words needed to be sung and maybe my voice my voice could sing them.

and then happened western ave my english boyfriend a magical musician that stuck me in a makeshift sound booth in our vintage closet and built the music around this melody and he, himself, inspired one evening while i was watching 'cat on a hot tin roof' decided to include, faintly, some of the dialogue from one of the scenes neither of us knowing that i was, in fact, a cat on a hot tin roof.

and then came a pregnancy. my first child. with a wounded heart from san francisco. in retrospect, we had no business being with each other. aside from the passion, the awakening of spirits, connection-- just long enough to plant a seed. a seed that would prove to be the greatest creation of my life. but meanwhile-- he left and i was pregnant and this song became a narrative for yet another ending.

my family up north, in addition to my LA baby shower, decided to throw one for me in our family home. a home that witnessed me and sweet trust grow up saw me through western ave showed that wounded san francisco heart what love looked like... that home that we no longer have a key for. and now this poem turned melody turned song turned video makes my heart weep again. for all the beautiful memories. that lead to the futures that no longer exist.

sunflowers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjR9Hp9306M&index=19&list=UUUPqoifg-mAokj5t3MN1Hlw

152 regent dr

wanted to clean out my car today get it smogged check the tires washed get it ready for my baby boy. but i had to get some work done on the computer first while my daughter is at school. then i got sucked in to the vortex that is the internet clicking through some old faces i haven't seen in awhile. some faces i really miss. and as i scrolled through these faces i came to realize that my life is pretty large. and with a life this large it takes a lot of 'giving a fuck'. but 'giving a fuck' comes at a price.

lost my grandma last year. lost the house we grew up in, too. i fear i will never see my cousins as comfortable in their skin as i did when we were all gathered in that house.

one of my cousins was gracious enough to lend us his in-laws barn for our winter get together, a place they frequently use to throw events on their property. it was lovely seeing most of us together but it wasn't the same. we looked displaced. a family with once strong roots, now orphaned without an anchor.

i guess... people pass, environments change.

you know, i never did. often times when folks lose a good thing they don't realize the value of it till it's long gone, they take it for granted. but i never did. i believed in it. that staircase that held my years, the laundry room that marked our youth, the kitchen and all it's noise, the family room's songs, the raised foyer that served as our stage, the wall my brother spread his poop all over using it as paint hoping no one would notice, the mirror closet door i used to give myself a haircut when i was 4, the towel cabinet on the second floor that i always thought was the best hiding place... no i took it. for all that it was. for all of it's history before me, through me, in absence of me.

and now the absence of all of us. it's not ours anymore. it's not home.

some people go through this life and opt to not care much about people, faces, spaces, memories. they don't participate, or keep up with the folks that were part of their lives. maybe they're better for it. maybe i would be better for it if i just didn't care. about people, their faces, our spaces, our memories. maybe i'd be cleaning out my car by now getting it smogged the tires checked a good wash ready for this baby boy.

but how could i possibly ever be ready for this baby boy if i don't honor my feelings acknowledge this loss this anger pay respect to the history we came from so we can navigate through this new unanchored future.

for grandma: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opE...

for grandpa: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo-...

perfect today (for j+b)

my greatest teachers in life
weren't from grade school
or books, or songs, or even poetry
my greatest teachers
are not found in our national heroes
the web, a youtube tutorial, or a movie
my greatest teachers
are not khalil gibran, ghandi, or jesus
or maya angelou, shel silverstein, or rumi
these have all been teachers, to some degree
-the poems, the heroes, the internet
the songwriters and authors
the storytellers and spiritual leaders-
but they were not my greatest teachers

my greatest teachers
have been the ones who grew me
who taught me
not by words or scripture
or fortune cookie platitudes
but by attitudes and examples
the people who taught me about invaluables
how to pick up the pieces after the hurricane
how to cease this destruction and find salvation again

one of my greatest teachers
can out cook, out clean, out decorate most people i know
she's quick, and fiery, vulnerable and smart
she's beautiful, resilient
she's not afraid to work for what she wants
she's not afraid to shine effortlessly
she's original and lived
a mother and a daughter
a sister and an aunt
and she met a man
to spend the rest of her days with
who listens and observes her life
and her needs
appreciates where she's been and wants to go where she's going
a clever man, driven to build their future
ever present, ever attentive
engaged in the world that surrounds him
in tow, a life of his own
filled with his own luggage of experiences
but the man he is, he recognizes everyone has baggage
but it is in the grace that we travel with that baggage that marks our character

no my greatest teachers are not
the main characters of stories
or the founding fathers of science, rock n roll, or industry
they are the people
who have proven to me
that life
our lives, and our choices, our yesterdays tears and loud smiles,
apartments and road trips, houses and jobs,
moving and then moving again, raising a family, raising bluto,
births and deaths, all the lessons, the blessings
dinner parties and toasts
fights and celebrations
were all worth it
because every single decision and path
delivered us perfectly in to today

congratulations bernie and john.
thank you for being one of the greatest.