one

how do you measure a year
i'm feeling my heart pump a bit faster
trying to hold on to each day
recalling each moment since ella jay


it's hard you know
to keep it all
hold it all in your pocket
save it and treasure it like an heirloomed locket
like that night at a table when all was surrendered
all our prayers answered
their guards and mine, our judgments let go
the night we abandoned our shadows
finally seeking refuge in kin
our salvation shared by skin
but i try, to hold it all
and i hope for you, i survive it all
all these realizations
living through revelations
learning through the mistakes of adolescence
finding salvation in a new-born's lessons
looking side to side and counting my blessings


it is our family you gave me
a year ago today
challenging our hearts to understanding
reminding our souls of forgiving


i don't believe in coincidence
some sort of luck-stroked brilliance
i don't believe it's all planned out either
some preconceived lingering prior
but i do know faith
faith will always provide a way
and for all this suffering
for all this yearning
it brought us you, ella jay


you've surprised me already, little one
with your strength and your glory
you've already stunned me, little one
with your miracle
and the miracle you put in place
rebuilding this family space
your young grace
that little face
reuniting this lost girl
with her blood world
and as if that wasn't enough
dreams coming true of "together again" and love
i am blessed to be your god mother
and to think-- all i really wanted was to hug my brother


you're an amazing gift
one of those good life shifts
a mark of creation
a spark of reason
to confront old stories and new
memories of cold winter blues
and lonely summer hues
hope renewed
seven torn years ended
starting with you


how do you measure a year
by the hand you discover
figuring out how to be a crawler
finding your feet and falling down
taking a sleep and wearing a frown
each new step at a time
each new little dust ball you find
that's how you measure a year
day by day
growing beside ella jay

you forgot to pack your pillow

wouldn't it be nice to come home from work to a beautiful man
chit- chat all small talk- like till we doze off to that dreamland
sometimes wrapped around his body, sometimes just hand in hand
drifting off on a lullaby...
the perfect song of his steady breath keeping time with that unfaltering fan
with half eyes i'll watch his chest rise and fall
his arms and legs sprawled
and my quiet sighs...
just rejoicing
not attempting to decipher dreaming
reality
beautiful you
laying next to little ole me
letting me just be
letting you just sleep
so sweet

don't forget love
how much we fit love
don't forget love
how much i miss love

so nice the days and nights beside this beautiful man
if only, someday i hope, i pray he understands
i'm not forever and neither is he
but at least we have now
all these mornings bowed
when i come home from work
and you're gentle smirk
as i join you in bed, hand in hand
and that unfaltering fan
till illuminated is our apartment
rush hour traffic interrupting silent
and this finally rested soul wakes beside him
and sees itself--
a mirror of good wishes
a heart of gold trinkets
something to put in your pocket
under your pillow for safe- keeping
all those in the moment sweet nothings

but, i know, nothings meant to last
indeed, moments are left behind so fast
in your absence i feel it
while so far from your skin
reality shifts
... but every once and again
out of my pocket
under my pillow
is all our forevers
i take them out, just for awhile, to remember

don't forget love
how much we fit love
don't forget love
how much i miss love