my word is nothing

every time i let go completely
some memory clings
a melody rings
and out of respect
i pause
take that moment



give without expectation

so round and round we go
you've spoken my name in vein
in ego
in example
in benefit for you
and you come around
not as friend


history repeat
history repeat


yes i once knew someone who looked a bit like you
thought we found something true once
maybe we did
but just that once

ribbon

a ribbon.
a ribbon.
just listen.
oh quiet ribbon.

myspace.com/shopgirlmusic

where in the world is he

i am looking for someone who can hang
one on one
and one and a million
intimately
one that will sing me songs
my mother's fifth son
my father's pride
i want someone who adores me
and allows me to adore them
it would be cool if he got along with my brothers
because they're real important to me
and loved my dog
because he's real important to me too
i want someone who thinks everything i do is amazing
and believes that i'm strong and able
who understands my heart
courageous and vulnerable
i want him to stick up for me
and make me laugh
make me feel like the prettiest in the world
think the world of me
the world
where in the world is he

secret to self

my jaw clicks
alot
and i think it's part of the reason
for some tremendous headaches
don't feel too well these days
want to let everything go


when i am alone
i imagine i can be alone forever
sleep forever
want to sleep forever
and when there are people around me
i guess i'm ok
i guess there's a lot to be thankful for


i'm in a funk
and i'm not sure what i can do to get myself out of
i have this show i can put my energy in
but fear has overtaken me
fear of losing my dignity
but i've already lost if i don't do it
fuck fuck fuck
it hurts
to be me
it hurts always i gues

to be anyone
to live and take it up the ass in the front
ripped and torn


yeah yeah
it's all too much bullshit
i'm leaning into it
rolling around in it
staying still
paralized
rethinking and rethinking my life
and puking all over everything good

everyday conviction

so.. yeah i know
i realize that i burned the disc
i put the songs on it
but still
it's still 60 odd tracks
and the variables of the order are endless when set on random play


i'm not gonna go through the play order with you
because.. well that's a little ridiculous and i would probably lose the point
of why i'm typing this anyway
which i might already done
shiiiiiiit


ok ok ok ok
the point
the point is i was driving home from work
just now
and my head was rambling on and on with me
partly i agreed with it and partly called bullshit on
and while this conversation goes on and on with myself
these tracks keep playing
directing me to my next thoughts
but only, i think (i may be delirous)
i was actually directing which song to play next
it was like.. the truth was in the tracks
the answers were being painted for me
only i was the original person who put them on the cd in the first place

you follow?


i'm trying to say in my 36 minute drive home i saw my life
how it is
how it was
and how i hope it to be
how i know it can be
if only
i could hold on to that belief everyday
everyday conviction
and sometimes a random playlist
can remind you and get you back
grab hold of you
tightly
and squeeze the hell out of you
and you fight the squeeze
reject the squeeze
shun it
scream BULLSHIT
almost suffocate and crash
until all you can do is embrace it
and hug back



... so for all of you
even the ones you wouldn't imagine
even if we've never met, maybe just exchanged myspace notes
maybe we've lived together
sang a song
shook a tail
shared a drink

i hugged you tonight
and i really needed that hug
and i just wanted to say
thank you

poems

they don't pay the bills.
there is no return.
no profit.


just my sanity.
and even that seems to be compromised.
but it would be even if i didn't scratch anything on paper.
push record. and let it come out.


so pressed is the upload button.
two more poems to listen to.

two more poems to just be.


i want to just be.
please.

myspace.com/shopgirlmusic

trapped

can't even take a walk in my fucking neighborhood

fuck off

done playing nice
always trying to communicate
diplomatic pathetic
walking around righteous
no more babysitters
not even for me
it's humiliating
and it hurts
if you don't believe in me just say it
make it public
because guess what
i don't believe in me either
so let's stop pretending
with the pretty la la la
and the auto tune recordings
and the bullshit stale feelings of yesterday
wasted
wasted life
wasted words
who gave a fuck really about those tears
who was there in that hospital room watching life breeathe less
who remembered what it was all about
just to forget again
i want to punch these keys hurt
make it hurt
make them cry so they can remember what they once were
once upon a time
cause once upon a time...
once upon a time there were so many shut doors
and now they're open with coonditions
always conditions
but i remember that boy
that one boy that one time
two creeps on a couch
two singers in a room
poets weeping for better tomorrows
but that was yesterday
and today it's babysitting duty
and i can't afford one anymore
can't afford to be one anymore








so fill me up with something new
some new rant
some new life
i want to excape somwwhere in a forest
let everyone go
and sleep for days
and live for days
and die
over and over again




i want iwant iwant iwant i want
to just be left alone

shit came pouring out

have seen it lately
i'm looking for my sanity
don't want to play nice nice
got a load of laundry
clean but i can't even put away
always clean
but always messy
fucking drive me up the wall with your constructive criticism
what i should be doing
what i can be doing
i can
i can
i am
i am
i'm reaching out for something to hold
it's not there
just vomit from a day old cigarette
i feel sorry for my dog
watching me whither away
fucking crap

her

myspace.com/shopgirlmusic


go listen.
wrote a little something for your ear.
for mine, too, whenever i forget.


and something for my friend.

only one way up

shut up
get up
shut up
get up


i'm screaming at myself in the mirror
and the mirror is you
fuck the poetry
fuck singing the blues


shut up
get up
shut up
get up


stop the silent default
living in that mind cult
i've had about enough of not enough
stop asking me what i want


shut up
you get up
you get the fuck up


this is no self help piece
chicken noodle soup
feel better soon on another fucking day
a p & j sandwich to make you more cozy


shut up
get up


fill your fucking cup
damn it
have the courage to fill it
feel it
and deal with it


these stupid nothings
letters jumbled
fucking had it
don't like it
stop asking me the same fucking question

price paid

you stole my angst
answered the door
let me in
said leave your longing now
sing this song with me now

but out on the doorstep lay all my words
out on the doorstep was all my world
the world made in place of you
the world created because of you

but now here i am
and it's hard to remember all the devices
it's easy to cover up all these slices
of my soul
damaged and broken
sewn together and healed
scarred and forgotten

but i guess there's no need to remember
all the bruises
all the denied knocks
unimportant details of yesteryears and days
as long as there is today
so happy and gay
yes so happy and gay

with my head low
looking for something i lost
feeling my wallet lacking doe
never knowing the the cost

one

how do you measure a year
i'm feeling my heart pump a bit faster
trying to hold on to each day
recalling each moment since ella jay


it's hard you know
to keep it all
hold it all in your pocket
save it and treasure it like an heirloomed locket
like that night at a table when all was surrendered
all our prayers answered
their guards and mine, our judgments let go
the night we abandoned our shadows
finally seeking refuge in kin
our salvation shared by skin
but i try, to hold it all
and i hope for you, i survive it all
all these realizations
living through revelations
learning through the mistakes of adolescence
finding salvation in a new-born's lessons
looking side to side and counting my blessings


it is our family you gave me
a year ago today
challenging our hearts to understanding
reminding our souls of forgiving


i don't believe in coincidence
some sort of luck-stroked brilliance
i don't believe it's all planned out either
some preconceived lingering prior
but i do know faith
faith will always provide a way
and for all this suffering
for all this yearning
it brought us you, ella jay


you've surprised me already, little one
with your strength and your glory
you've already stunned me, little one
with your miracle
and the miracle you put in place
rebuilding this family space
your young grace
that little face
reuniting this lost girl
with her blood world
and as if that wasn't enough
dreams coming true of "together again" and love
i am blessed to be your god mother
and to think-- all i really wanted was to hug my brother


you're an amazing gift
one of those good life shifts
a mark of creation
a spark of reason
to confront old stories and new
memories of cold winter blues
and lonely summer hues
hope renewed
seven torn years ended
starting with you


how do you measure a year
by the hand you discover
figuring out how to be a crawler
finding your feet and falling down
taking a sleep and wearing a frown
each new step at a time
each new little dust ball you find
that's how you measure a year
day by day
growing beside ella jay

you forgot to pack your pillow

wouldn't it be nice to come home from work to a beautiful man
chit- chat all small talk- like till we doze off to that dreamland
sometimes wrapped around his body, sometimes just hand in hand
drifting off on a lullaby...
the perfect song of his steady breath keeping time with that unfaltering fan
with half eyes i'll watch his chest rise and fall
his arms and legs sprawled
and my quiet sighs...
just rejoicing
not attempting to decipher dreaming
reality
beautiful you
laying next to little ole me
letting me just be
letting you just sleep
so sweet

don't forget love
how much we fit love
don't forget love
how much i miss love

so nice the days and nights beside this beautiful man
if only, someday i hope, i pray he understands
i'm not forever and neither is he
but at least we have now
all these mornings bowed
when i come home from work
and you're gentle smirk
as i join you in bed, hand in hand
and that unfaltering fan
till illuminated is our apartment
rush hour traffic interrupting silent
and this finally rested soul wakes beside him
and sees itself--
a mirror of good wishes
a heart of gold trinkets
something to put in your pocket
under your pillow for safe- keeping
all those in the moment sweet nothings

but, i know, nothings meant to last
indeed, moments are left behind so fast
in your absence i feel it
while so far from your skin
reality shifts
... but every once and again
out of my pocket
under my pillow
is all our forevers
i take them out, just for awhile, to remember

don't forget love
how much we fit love
don't forget love
how much i miss love

making prophets [part two]

title: piss test.






a bulletin posted:



Like a lot of folks in this country...I have a job. I work, they pay me.

I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.

I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sitting on their butt and using drugs.

Could you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?

Please pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't.
Hope you all will pass it along though.
Something has to change in this country...and soon!!







a response:



piss test?


i think that's pretty low on the 'problems' list regarding this country. but if you're going to bring it up...


as far as where our tax dollars go-- currently most of them are not used for the welfare of our fellow citizens i.e. national health insurance. government and state assisted programs are actually more difficult to come by for the average american than you may think. it has always been, in my experience and those i've known who have had the unfortunate reality check of what a dog eat dog world america is, the process to receive aid has mainly proved to be strenuous, time- consuming, and frustrating. and often times humiliating. even if you are drug- free and honestly just need a little help.


and perhaps before we start getting all agro about the "distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test" benefitting from a percentage of our tax dollars to try and make ends meet, please know that the majority of our tax dollars is paying for our current war on terror.


our government has declared a war on NOT iraq, NOT al qaeda, NOT saddam-- but terror. something so intangible and so fear- driven and so anonymous. the face of this war has changed from the initial suspects of 9/11, to osama bin laden, to al qaeda, the taliban, saddam hussein, weapons of mass destruction etc.... and all the while the casualties grow: civilians- dying, our soldiers- dying, mothers- crying, children growing up without a father, and how many weapons of mass destruction found? none..... but it doesn't matter-- WE BUY INTO IT. we bought it... with our... tax dollars. our mainstream media. with each gas guzzling expedition we buy. starbucks frappucino. 5 extra cheese super- sized with a coca- cola.


and to be honest, the pothead on the couch accepting welfare checks is not the threat of this country. we are the threat of this country. our consumerism has no boundaries therefore the people providing us the products abide by no boundaries. at the expense of factory workers around the world making $3.00 a day, we are clothed. at the expense of rbst injected cows, we enjoy our venti vanilla lattes. at the expense of mom and pop stores (the true american dream) across the nation being shut down one by one, we get our one stop shopping and our everyday low prices. at the expense of children in iraq being bombed for the 'freedom' we are trying to instill in their country (ps.. they didn't ask for our assistance in the first place), we get to drive our land rovers and bump our hip- hop/ indie rock/ hard rock/ experimental acid jazz... whatever tickles our fancy.


this is the world we live in. a world so corrupt and so unfair but so perfectly kept distracted, entertained, and in denial that we have the luxury to bitch about "helping someone sitting on their butt using drugs." and in my opinion, that's exactly what we should be doing more of. helping others. not corporations. people. humans. you know, like the pothead on the couch. rather that than the the government "distributing my taxes as [they] see fit."

making prophets [part one]

i was planting green the other day, all i wanted was a garden
but the government kept coming round like traveling salesmen
said they were health insurance
car insurance
life insurance
said i had to give them some green
said some day, they explained, i may need that vaccine

now even though for them i set aside
a portion monthly for them to take and i
make do with what little left there is
i shrug my shoulders, just a bit, and say well that's life it is
my green still looks pretty good, thriving
my car, still driving
but what a shame my neighbors yard
all the deductibles hit them hard
all their green taken away
just because they couldn't pay
the vaccine cost they didn't account
and all those treatments, the devastating totaled amount
that day i kinda looked away
ashamed because i couldn't say
hey that's wrong to put a price
on something as natural as nature
something as natural as life
but i just stood aside i did
while all their green was fairly divvied
amongst the insurance corporate stampede
and as i watched their dignity stolen and sorted
i couldn't help but think for a moment
what my garden would be for bid
but the thought was passing as my neighbors things
were replaced by new faces and their new global blings

i rarely think about them now
how sad that day when all was lost
how i stood aside and gave up a bit
on faith and justice and the right to live
to grow a garden, green and fit
so quickly yes i do forget
while i look out at mine
and think oh my
how well i've done all these years
through all my hardships, laughter and tears
making do with all the bills
paying dues and still
such a beautiful garden, so much green
and to know in my heart
all is well
if ever, hope never, i need that vaccine

HELLO LA

part of me remembers ny
sure it was hard
the weather
the trekking
the flights of stairs
humidity and freeze
overcrowded subways
lonely streets full of people
crazy taxis
horrible service
but shiiiit
at least i was me
at least i didn't have a car note
insurance
speeding tickets


i need a new job
in la
cause that's where i live now
and my body is tired of graveyards in long beach
and to be honest
so is my soul


got any leads lovelies?

<3

just fine

no stranger to the man that leaves
days and months at a time
always got through it just fine
ain't my style to weep
usually just a smile
a kiss
would suffice
for the absence around my hips
the lack of you on my lips

but this go around has surprised me
kinda got me up in a twist
how much i really do miss
all our chats over coffee
hand in hand, you inside me

no big deal
there i go again
feeling
reeling
dealing myself heartache
what a silly break of a girl
when she finds, without her love
it's a lonely world

no stranger to the man that leaves
always got through it just fine
even this time

finders keepers

nine years and it's like it never happened
three months broght a new world
save your tongue for another lip
pause those eyes to the one in front of you


then with your body make love
with your hands build a life
suck in the pain
exhale the pleasure
hold on to this new treasure

played out

for a moment
i felt like
the prettiest in the world
leaving lovely nothings on his eyelashes
strapping my body
around his
close and accesible
beautiful and perfect
like that perfect guitar
when it fit just right
and everything sounded brilliant
every strum
every chord
in its place
in our bed
so sweet
you sleep
i weep
your eyelashes
they don't recognize me anymore
that was just a pretty moment
a lovely memory stored
my tragic reverie
that tired melody

eat me

i'm counting on the chub from my fingers
the extra weight around my waist to weigh me down
take this fat head and thick eyelids
give this dimpled skin some sleep
when does cellulite rest when it is so hungry for affection

maybe that oversized sweater
or that baby girl dress
or some sweats
and an "i'm just chilling" outfit day will fix it
hide all the insecurities lurking behind fatty tissue
perhaps another potato chip will crunch away the pain
finally make me feel like i belong

something pretty
something fit
like all those celebrities in those trashy magazines
like all those silver screen starlets i'll never be

please stop.

hurting my feelings.

nothing's gonna change my world

i'm not going to forget my blessings
no not this time around
i'm gonna remember who i am
the faces who made me
the hearts that broke me
i'm gonna recall the arms that held me when i couldn't walk
the voices that kept me company when i couldn't talk
no i'm not going to forget my blessings
not this time around

you're too late

"in forgetting to love myself is how i grew to love you"





i want to stop rewinding and playing it again




surprise me
give me a reason to give a fuck

fill your cup

they say things like this get easier
you know, each time you do something?
you know how people say that?


well shit
everytime i get on stage
it still feels like the first time
struggling for a place to just be me
do my thing

or when i sing
i doubt i'll do well
getting stuck in the swell of my throat

everytime i say i love you
i float
on the chance that you might not love me back
all the odds stacked





and when the goodbye is cued up
that's when i drop my cup
only to have to fill it again
with the same sin

don't think, see

i recognize a pattern when it's coming full speed right into my heart
i remember the part when we touch for the last time for a long time
shutting my eyes to light feeling this over and over again
remembering your body on my skin and refocusing
cursing my damn choices
shutting out all the noises
those sweet whispers of forever
that flicker of never
interupting
interupting
always a beginning
always an ending


should have not
got caught
in love
with another visitor
my fault
my bad
i just thought

fairytales are for fairies

i read somewhere:
don't forget about the man who got everything he ever wanted... he lived happily ever after.




funny how lonely that feels.
or maybe it's because i'm a woman.

torn and burnt

once upon a time not long ago
i believed in these pages
latched together by hope
by just because

now my just becauses are in a bit of a loss of cause
i am always a beat away from failure
from nothing
sometimes i want to speed up the process
just shoot myself and be done with it
done with love
done with life
shit
shit

a prayer

somewhere, someday
love will make sense
somehow, some way
there's someone who will dance with my intense
some place not too far away
he's hoping for the same chance
to find me and sway
maybe hold my hand

wouldn't it be lovely

somewhere, someday
love will make sense
somehow, some way
there's someone who will dance with my intense
some place not too far away
he's hoping for the same chance
to find me and sway
maybe hold my hand

monthly dues

guess we know now
all that never was
it's better this way
i know
what does it matter anyhow
it was barely an idea
kinda like life itself
kinda


it wasn't meant to be afterall
right
at least we found out now sooner than later
before all of our things got tangled up
intertwined
don't need to separate books or dishes
no need to sort out what belongs to whom
they were always in it's proper place anyway
just visiting
just visiting


so leave now
i'll sweep up the wet
mop up the sweet nothings
wring it out
run it down the drain
and pay the rent

and where your head once laid, i will squeeze
and where your body once was, i will hold on tight to this duvet
and i will watch it all fade away

serves me right

it's such a shame that i spent 7 years with someone who wanted me
but i did not receive him
completely
completely as i could


and now i am with someone who i want
but can not wrap his head around what he wants
if i'm what he wants

.. and my dad said no one will ever love you as much as miles did
you know, take care of you
probably won't happen again


you're right dad
probably not

... like sunday morning

such an eloquent disaster occurs when the heart gets captured
taught new rhythms never heard
so virginal to jump into love
no matter how many times you've jumped
tucking into naive
really paying attention
learning

cause the temperment is different this time
the dance and the song
the movement and passion
in bed and otherwise
different



have you decided yet?
will this be the face to wake up to and fall in love with every morning
the bones and skin to grow older with and to do your parts in changing the world
will that little lady always be proud of her guy, that young man always watching out for his girl
are these the palms to bow to when the light is dying?
to thank for all the memories
the blessings
the lessons
is this your family?



will you fight to laugh when there are no smiles to be had
will you scream to cry when emotions are numbed
will you know how to cheer her up when her heart goes sad
will you know how to support his back when his pride's been shunned



pay attention
the answers are already there
don't need to be told how
not anymore
just listen for it
right
now

play it again

moving on
naked bodies learning a new way to dance
with a different partner
different songs for a whole new romance
some of the same though
some



it'll never be that one day in brazil
playing miniature golf on the side of a hill
smiling


that one night on a couch in san diego
when we filled each other with hope
till morning


or drives to ontario to visit your son
a little sister just keeping her big bro company
still learning


remember when we climbed that little mountain in japan
boy, i'm sure fuji has long forgotten us
but i haven't


or when i first talked back to you
"go ahead and hit me" i said
silly daughter
lost in adolescence


what a funny trick,
the loss of innocence

can't draw you

sometimes i draw pictures
just to remember eyes looking at me
your eyes
so soft
a lash or two pointing at me
choosing me
wow



how beautiful two lovers lay under duvets
and canopies
holding close dear
the world between them
holding sweet love
defying all those thougts that condemn
surrendering to cotton heated nights
painting love with fingertips
sliding the length of your body
resting my head in your palm



nothings forever
but maybe if i can draw it all
i can come visit whenever i want
we can hold hands and kiss in front of a setting sun
over a coffee and potato chips
maybe i'll see you're face cradled around the curl of my smoke
and all will be like those very first touches
when our fingers finally touched
because they wanted to
maybe i can draw
something that was meant to be
no accident neccessary


maybe someday i'll be able to draw
everything
so you can can see what i saw

hey red

no red
no red
negative
two tests
doesn't two make a positive
doesn't two make three
never me
never me



who said i wanted it anyway
no breath of life ever stays
who said i wanted it anyway
give it away give it away
hey



hey little one that never happened
wipe the dust off your knees when you fall
if you scrape yourelf, pat the blood
it'll be okay
hey
hey little one that never was
stop hiding your daddy's bandanas
eating all of his bananas
but if you insist
it'll be okay
hey
hey little one never created
you're not less when you cry cause your heart feels broken
you're not more because you won and your classmate didn't
be grateful be humble
share
and it'll be okay
hey


who said i wanted it anyway
no breath of life ever stays
who said i wanted it anyway
give it away give it away
hey

hit me

surprise surprise
and look what we have here
life preparing me for life
shocking


my stomach is less than at ease tonight
is it the lack of sleep
the deficency of red
the that-time-of-month blues
the unwritten future i see in that man's eyes
the already written past of...
well best not mention it


where will we live
what shall we do
when two become three
and we all get on with growing up
showing up
getting up
figure out this life stuff



when doors shut
other ones open
branding our names with the places we've been
getting the stamp ready for the places we'll be



such minute lessons in one single eyelash
so many tomorrows in one single touch
who knew things would turn out like this
the bets all in, banking on hollow chips



so kiss me now future
take me while i'm able
while i'm willing to do my part
take this anxious heart



fill me with what you must
win or lose
blackjack or bust
i'm playing this hand
my stake is in this man

dusty ole box

my head was just playing reruns of stupid days
cutting off house arrest bracelets in an adolescent sunny haze
losing my virginity on a bed not mine
not his either, didn't matter
so young, just a way to pass the time
sitting on rooftops, playing hide- and- go- get with the neighborhood boys
hitting bitches as a respect ploy
getting finger banged in the backseat, ma in the driver's seat
listening to those soft hits 103.5 the KOST
behind closed bedroom doors, my legs moist
giving up my rights of choice
blurring the line between a ghetto superstar and just being ghetto
riding on top of dicks sneaking in through my window
always the same hopeless romantic
just with a different backdrop
different story for the tear drop
maybe i'll rewrite this later
remember something better
but for now i guess i'll just let the thoughts...
swarm and live in this box...

the things we never know

i'm going to write it all now before now changes
so presently i am about a mile away for an audition i am an hour early for, in my fashion
sitting in front of my oldest brother's house thought i could use his internet to jot down a few words
he and my sister in law and my baby niece ella are out for the day
the audition is one my manager, my sister in law, got me in for
a short film
i play a war veteran
paralyzed

four years ago today i was preparing for a show, losing my mind
in my most precious dreams i only hoped...
to see these faces smiling back at me
happy to see me
now they root for me
and all my new dreams i'm finding difficult to dream
i mean, now that the war is over
the war in my family
i'm so uncertain where my dreams lay now

what happens when dreams come true?
can someone tell me?

when the inventory is done
the casualties are counted and accounted for
the wounds healed

creation, i suppose
but am i ready?
i don't know
but did i ever


i want to sing
songs resonating from another space and time
something God sent
i want to dance
like their could have been no other movement to this song
i want to speak words and hold the world every once and awhile
i want to write my truest truth
love my most lovingly
kiss
alot
smile
plenty


but i don't want to disappoint you
i hate that
your sullen eyes shift a bit
unable to look me in the eye
not wanting to say
i expected more from you
so much more


remember when the fighting stopped
and things were found
things were lost
things were left behind
things endured the test of time
things were forgotten
things were remembered
and what once made me cry
now makes me roar with laughter
and remember how all of this was the reason why i could keep walking
and now because of all of this resolve
i am paralyzed

collide

Are we an accident?
Chasing after caution
Following our momentary emotions
Our soiled doubts shoved in the glove box
My heart doomed in a writer's block

I can't tell the difference between a curse or a blessing
I just wanted our fingers to touch
Just wanted your love
Maybe, this time, I've asked for too much

It's as if I can't have sweet nothings
Without life serving me lessons
But I thought love was a gift for me dear
But I suppose I wasn't a very good girl this year

sip

it just so happens that i have a case of writer's block
of course, presently the words seem to drip from my fingertips
so being that i'm a bit parched i'll take this opportunity to sip



prepare to miss
prepare to lose
prepare to let go


here it comes in, slow
he's about to go

solace

as if there was no other kiss before
blinking stares dress my lips
tug my core
you hug me bless
carry me caress
you were just a friend remember
still a friend no less


strum me along your neck
drum beat songs for affect
sink your soul into mine
come inside
and hold on tight
even though you were just a friend remember
still a friend
every day, every night

and i gesture to pull away
just a gesture to beat the goodbye
but you just repeat
i don't want to lose you
i don't want to lose you

so let's throw more words around this beaten car
make some bad decisions
see how far we can actually take this
maybe find a home in this bliss
some solace in these hips
you were just a friend remember
always a friend
and now my every morning kiss

one foot on the ground

fingers tap out surrender
tip tap on love and fall through the crack
leave a bread crumb trail
and promise to come back
no one can hold me forever
remember arianna
carry yourself it's all you've really ever needed
when all else failed when it all bleeded
i blushed
i loved
i fell and broke

picked it all up and paid the rent
and tip tapped
danced again

graveyard trembled

the diner stands quiet tonight
and my head bounces to hip hop over stale coffee
i don't feel it, but i can tell i'm tired
my skin is super sensitive
itchy
always get itchy when i'm tired


had this crazy thought recently
found this man i want to fall asleep to every night
wake up to every sunrise
something in the way his eyelashes curl toward me


tell me something wild and new
touch me again just like that
how does it feel to be touched?
so still this man
so true
i imagine there will be no other hand on the small of my back
not like that
no not like that ever


rest it well sir
because i'm checking out of here soon and coming home
found a place to live somewhere between your soul and mine
somewhere where our fingers finally touched

shut it all out and isolate for awhile

my new year began with tears
what right do i have to bow to emotion
sqwat on these stupid frustrations
my new year began with tears

birthday at hotel cafe

don't know if i'll be ringing it in at my parents house.
would be fun though.
maybe.


don't know if i'll ever feel like i did that one day.
that moment when you and i were so close.
perhaps.


don't know where i'll be next week, five years, or ten.
if i'll ever really feel comfortable in my own skin.
possibly.


don't know if we'll get passed it all and finally hold hands.
if each eye- twinkled ends in the instant it begins.
probably.



i do know that faces come and they go.
flickering through my life at least.
and it's always nice when they stay awhile.



i do know some of the very best dreams come true.
some of the terribly worst too.
but i'd rather have 'em, then have none at all.



i know that people are busy.
such busy bodies.
i know that a body gets tired.
busy being tired.
i know something about days when you can't get out of bed.
life too heavy and full of nothing, unable to lift your head.
something about being so elated and frustrated cause you wish you could fly.
or feeling nothing no matter how hard you tried.
something about forever days.
about never days.



so this year...
while i'm still here
spitting words
writing something down
trying to feel
it would be nice to see you again.



maybe a latter party to follow.
but as of now, just hotel cafe on friday.
hey.
it's okay.
for us, there will always be a way.

birth rights

dear mom,


so many superstars
in their big flashy super cars
trying to get their gold bars in batches
set the precedent for the masses
changing the world with their words
controlling trends like the dishware in their cupboards
priding themselves in being an anomaly
always some unused toys in the pantry

ma i just want to hold close my dear brothers
remind them they matter
somehow make the earth a little better
do good by my father
try not to falter
do my best
and may i be blessed
to someday have my own
and one day be able to say, 'my have you grown'


but now mom, i'm getting a little worried
with the arrival of this cyclone
and all these typhoons
i'm only now seeing your battle wounds
how quickly we slap the hand that holds the spoon
when a paycheck dictates what is truth
when we fight a war that can never be won
going after terror is like trying to stop the sun
unless it never really was terror
perhaps our consumer fervor
the life maintenance of an american peddler
the melted wishes of a swiss alp
the breaking off of an arctic ice cap
a presidential election looked over as a mishap
being judged by the way you rock your baseball cap
finding myself at a club just wanting to dance, instead swindled onto a hard- ons lap
in a social trap
mistaking pretty for sex
wearing cleavage as an effect
throwing out bait hoping for nothing
thinking temptation will lead to some loving


but it never does


so on we consume
exploiting our own minds
searching for that perfect buzz
whether it be through politics
or our drunken drugged antics
our social polemics
we always find ourselves in the same predicaments
wannabe anomolies
social anti- social socialites
looking down at the next guy like it was our birth right
each one of us too damn significant for our own good
ego driven industrial soldiers
climbing up these capitalist boulders
doing what we're told
believing what they tell us
and i'm racking my brain trying not to get caught up in blame
but i'm so ashamed and i can't help but think that i had some part in all these hurricanes
buying into these superstars with their super cars
hopefully maybe rub shoulders at some over crowded hollywood bar
...apparently it seems they're encouraging a better tomorrow
when they're actually setting us up for our latter sorrow
enforcing our right to vote
expecting us to read all the literature they wrote
and when we fail to do so
cause we're more interested in voting for the next american idol
buying rifles, feeling stifled
our futures in a kettle, muffled
stuck in a puzzle
cause we're distracted by the new hummer
the new diet to prepare us for summer

keeping us in an advertisement head lock
come the day to check the box
we opt not to
mostly cause they taught us not to
it's almost like that was the intention in the first place
let's put the people in retention of oversaturation and reflection
let them be the blame for all this disgrace
even though they were the ones strategically selling us those toys for our pantry in the first place
suggesting those trends for our cupboards
taking us on an upward high only to leave us feeling kinda like a bastard


but ma
somewhere in my hearts of hearts
i know this isn't true
and i just wanted to tell you
i'm sorry
and i thank you
for giving me a curfew
spanking me when i out- stepped my values
i hope it's not too late to prove to you i can be like you
be of you
cause i am you
and those days i rebelled
i didn't mean to hurt you
and the choices to live beyond my needs
has got me now on my knees
please
don't take away my home
i'm not asking you to condone my actions
or those of my fellow brothers and sisters
just asking you to acknowledge
i hear you
roaring through these typhoons
raging through a cyclone
and i am listening
even if i'm listening alone

falling in

i wish i knew
all the words by memory
all the memories that made me
the forgotten dreams
and all there meanings
somehow make your wish come true



awkward moments of touching
sometimes
touching eyes and grazing skin
someday, won't you share with me
all that's kept within?




your mouth, at times, while your speaking
i want to eat every sarcastic word
take a bite into something taboo
so innocent
don't you see
were you not aware how i undold in fron of you
lacing my longing with a smile
long pauses
before responding
just my style



my lashes bat for you
don't you understand
how much i want you to be my man

when our fingers never touched

i want to write without any corrections
just wanted to spell some things wrong
test myself to see how many mistakes i can really make
sit alone and look out my kitchen window
think about you
write you
eat you
imagine that kiss
again
over and over
the kiss that never happened
the kiss only aspiring to be more


i wonder if anyone sees me
like i see them
through this glass window
so clear
so unprotected



my eyelashes sit on top of la tonight
and i'm alone
it's alright i tell myself
it's alright



i want everything put away
only blank pages and ink filled pens
aspiring to be more
being more

annoying, i know

but it would be awfully nice if you could come.
and repost if you're so inclined to do so.


to be honest.
it's been a pretty gigantic week.
in my life anyway.








i just typed and deleted things about a dozen times.




and i guess all i want to say is...
i don't know.
all these everyday things i thought were in the way..
bills
fights
couches
kissing
hitting
spending time
not spending time
cleaning
errands
etc

they were never in the way.
they're all part of the way.







so..
if you can make it tomorrow. cool.
if you can't. totally get it.
we all do what we can, i know. =)
but i'd love to see you.

shift change

lately i've replaced me with

i'm not sure


partly someone i don't know
someone new
someone uncertain
alone




no longer are some things
some people
don't recognize them when they're sitting right in front of me
how can i when we've agreed to disagree





imagine a night out
and across the dining room
there he is
someone you once spent forever days with




not really sad about it
just breathing to fill the distance
just coping in the exhale
it's okay
i didn't want to hold your hand anymore anyway




that's the saddest part
i'd rather be alone then stand beside a stranger
who looks kinda like a man i once shared my life with

the guitar player

rhythm is so slight
it barely moves at times
just enough
just enough to move you
leaps and bounds more than it moved along the neck of that guitar
leaps and bounds
leaps and bounds
only goes to prove
... and with the first step, it all begins


it was in that crooked melody
somewhere sweet
in the pull of that string
with no words
we sing

soaring, we are
beyond this sofa
leaps and bounds
leaps and bounds
here we spin
sharing skin


finding a better

up and wired

and tired
and fired up with nothing but fingertips
naked lips
silent hips
on a dream trip with my eyes open
shoveling
sundance into romance
slim chance
should have known better
could have wrote it all down in a letter
stead of living out loud and shit
always screaming bring it
fuck it
oh well
next time
next sleep
next dream
always the next one
it seems
don't bother making any sense out of me
just a stupid bulletin
like a bullet shooting out of my skin

hotel cafe

soo...
it seems that i've been invited to perform with my friend carina round while they're doing a residency at hotel cafe in the month of march.


first of all, if you've never been, hotel cafe is one of my favorite places to see music in los angeles.

secondly... carina, smudge, and tom are amazing.
if you have a copy of tard and feathered volume II you know what i'm talking about. plus they're all from england which makes them especially badass. they talk silly and sometimes i wish they came with english subtitles. :)

and lastly--- it would be wonderful if you came. witness me fall on my face on stage in a pool of my own words.


feel a little bit like i'm at a party getting a present... but it's not my birthday. but it's beautiful anyway.



i've made some cds to give out for free. and you can purchase a copy of tard and feathered volume II if you are so inclined to do so that evening as well.



would love to share the evening with you. i took the night off of work and everything!


a kiss. and a smile.
me.

thought bubbled me

this is my attempt to be honest
utterly and completely
maybe it's my lack of sleep that always puts me in the mood
maybe it's the feeling that dishonesty never brings about anything truly good

i do things like try to type properly
make the most of my day because
i don't know
i'm 25 and healthy
i can see
i can hear
i can walk
i'm an able human being
even in the face of disability
i've always felt different
but always had an affinity with everyone
some sort of familiar

i'm awkward when someone fancies me
like, i mean, when someone is attracted to me
always feel like it's some sort of charity
like i'm an exception to their rules
so never have i let my guard down, i guess
like really surrendered

i'm worried about my future a little bit
feel like i'm on a train someone mistakenly let me board
maybe they were at a shift change or a smoke break
at any moment i can be kicked off and left in the middle of nowhere
but for now,
i suppose i just ride
take in all the wonders of this remarkable trip

i'm about to move to koreatown
1 studio apartment all to myself
i'm truly excited
and truly petrified
i've never lived alone before
and i suppose i should do it now before life gets on and i have children and other obligations
although i swear no one will ever marry a girl like me

i like the place
feels like ny
feels like long beach
feels like somewhere i've lived before
i'm afraid of the non- surprise
you know what i mean?
for example, if i smoke a cigarette and put it in the ashtray and leave the ashtray in the black and white tiled kitchen beside the sink
it will, for sure, be right where i left it when i return home
or if i buy grapefruit juice and drink 5/8ths of it
the next day there will be exactly 5/8ths of it missing
or if i think of something silly and want to say it out loud
there will be no one to tell it to
or if i need a good cry
there will be no shoulder

oh well
was never one for tears on other people's shoulder anyway
giant has always sufficed
and before that
well
like i said
i'm a healthy, honest, able human being
i know where my pillow is
i can find the toilet paper in the bathroom to wipe the salt from my eye

i'm trying to live a life of worth
i'm hoping that i will be my ma's breath of fresh air
i love my brothers
my friends
really do
i don't think that loving people means the same thing as appeasing people
accomadating for people
i think loving people is seeing them for who they are
and seeing yourself
truly
then finding out if you can coexist in a moment
those very special moments
i have so many of them
and i love it
i'm honored to have as many as i do
you know, the good stuff

the shit that makes me twinkle sometimes
makes me cry sometimes

to be honest
i feel very alone these days
not neccessarily in a terrible way
just in a very clear...
i don't know
like i am the eye of my storm
and i see it all clearly
but chaotically
unblurred chaos

it barely makes sense, i know





gosh.
i miss holding hands.
and skipping.

feels like if i'm on this train i can't have those things anymore

still. always.

now, for you, i smile
because it was
it is
so beautiful


what else is life
but these constant whelms
of lust and love
passion and depletion
sleep all day shit
forget me not stuff
and all that
breathing, letting it out
and letting it all go
dreaming about snow
on a perfect los angeles day


getting tangled up on a sidewalk
roaring under canopies of graveyard shifts
making mixed tapes for no one
pushing repeat to feel it all again
pressing repeat like an omen for the future
tripping on lessons, sometimes drowning in blur
but everything becomes clear again
and it is
it really is
all
good


we're all just ephemeral moments wanting to be held for awhile
even when we scream 'leave me the fuck alone
this is me naked
and i ain't here to show you anything
i'm content with this sting
the silent phone ring
this mosaic of broken heart strings
all these jokes that life brings'


and this too shall pass rings
so fast
so quick
but so glad that it happened at all

i wouldn't have changed a thing
so perfect
i smile, for you, now

at least in los angeles :)
dreaming of snow

when an asshole kneels

sometimes i underestimate
actions
affect
thinking i'm just a speck
a scratch in your life
cause who am i really
just some holy night
or maybe a few of them
a cough up of life's phlegm
something thick and loud
demanding to be exposed
needing to be written in prose
an almost
just verbose
another living hoax

so i misunderstand
and you do too
getting soft these days
forgetting what goes around
comes around
so immediately most of the time
for me anyway

so step forward i will
and thankful i am
this time i'll be stronger
i'll remember
i'll know
and i truly
am
so sorry

certainly wonderful

before i go on with my life
i just wanted to say
when there is nothing left to say



see i really loved the part
lost between your collar bone and your ear lobe
and i really prayed on the thought of being in your eyes for awhile
like watching you age for a bit
watching me grow for a minute

i really can't explain life choices and responsibility i am obliged to
that i feel that i am obliged to
can't explain family
ohana
everywhere i'm from
all the people that affect me
all the people that i keeep close to me


i don't know what could have been
what i should have done
how i could have been a better person

i try to be the best
at least for me
try to honor the choices i've already made
try to serve those who show me what loyalty means everyday


i don't know man


something about running my fingertips through your unwashed hair
sneaking in a kiss at a bbq
touching you tender
touching you rough
for no reason
not apparently at least
just simply cause i adore you


... and now i am
without you
and that's okay
i know

i know


whatever
a couple of weeks
so sweet
so nice


and the chemistry is gone
i accept that
i single handedly broke that
hurt that
i know


so i'll let go now
that's it, as you say


and i'm so sorry
i wasn't enough
i didn't come through
and you, sir
are so amazing
and i, sir
am so stoked for the girl who gets to hold you awhile
who deserves you for awhile


i'm an asshole dude
i get it
i understand
but i'm just me
so far from any kind of perfect
it is all good
even in hurt
but i'll do right
i'll always do what i think is right
i'm not as careless as you think
and i don't feel much like proving to you my heart


but so


so very


close


our hearts



just for a few ephemeral moments
fucking wonderful

just praying

and so i kneel
between everything new and familiar
something of magic
guitar strings
and vocal sings
something from another island
just over the sea
never been there myself
but someday
someday
so far
coming so quickly

appraoch me closer
swim and don't drown please
stay above the mediocrity
or even below it
but get the fuck out of all the cool
for all of our sakes

sing out loud
like the snobby english
the bittersweet lovely english

cryptic horse shit

so now i see you on my tv
and i wish there was no screen
so you could really feel the spit
in your eye to smear your make up
because you haven't made up for the lie
you turned away from me so sudden
fuck off
fucked me
sucked in
blew out
fly away little lies
float me some truth
life without you is better
life fake in an electric box

you disgust me kid
want to vomit at your hair
wasted time
wasted kiss
stupid me
stupid your lines
so fake fake electric box
fake fake kiss and miss
get out you fuck
wash my hands
clear the slate
clean it up
clean it up

the mirror was fogged
dirty and all wrong

and just on the other side i found me
on the other side
sewn up and dusting you off
and embracing him
mascara dart toward him

i just miss you

... i've been very quiet lately
and i'm sorry


been living out loud with some familiar blood
and it's been nice
how like attracts like
how love begets love


i'm looking forward to today
and i can just tell already
that it's an important one


i got all these prayers between my palms
and i'm dropping them
watching them manifest
and i wanted to take you
just for a minute or two
to come watch them with me
all these little prayers
dropping
finding their way in cracks
deep
only to effortlessly grow right back up toward me
like being in the middle of smiles
a garden of them


yeah
it's nice
best garden i've ever seen


won't you come soon to visit me
please
because there you are
one of my prayers
so quiet

been so quiet lately
i'm sorry

all in a sea salt rinse

i wonder if toxants are released through tears


i've been detoxing lately
a little drink i mixed up
a little life i shook up
made some new decisions
like the decision that maybe i do deserve everything i ever wanted
i've been accepting cheese on a cheese platter
i've been eating it
and it taste damn good


went on a drive with consequence
to pick up a consequence of my past
of my present
of my future

and i'm grateful
it's good, you know
life
is
good
if you want it to be
if you really wanted to see it the way you always hoped


poof
and every once and awhile i get depleted
and scared
like i'm not doing enough
i'm trying to show up for you


but i'm detoxing
and i'm sick
and i'm hoping
to hope