family

5 years ago today
dreams. came. true.

a lady's worth

this is not a poem for the masses.

just a poem for my niece.
the way she looks at me when i enter the room,
the way she wants to dress just like me.
i swear-- whenever i come over the first thing she says is:
auntie nana can i dress like you?
and then we go through her closet
and we find all the similiars
from high boots to big clips and then she says:
see, we're twins

this is not a poem for the masses.

this one's for my ma.
see i was born with one ear.
for that, i always felt left out.
see i was born the youngest after 4 boys.
for that, i was always left out.
see i was born filipino.
a culture that's most sustainable attribute, is adaptation.
often leaving me feeling kinda left out.
but for all this-- my mother-- my mother always made me feel
like i belonged.
like i was the most precious gift.
like a miracle.

this not a poem for the masses.

this one's for that one guy.
he made me feel common.

i heard once:
a woman goes to bed with a man to show him how she loves.
a man shows love to get a woman into bed.

i don't wanna give too much power to the ideologies between the male and female.
most of the time, i think its bullshit anyway.
but because they do exist.
the male.
the female.
the ego.
my mother.
my niece.
that quote.

i have decided to remove myself from that equation all together.
because if i was to be truly grateful to my mother.
if i were to really honor my niece and all her tomorrows.
then i would understand that no one can make me feel common without my permission.
and some where in my ego i thought i could be that girl--
fun, casual sex, no big deal, i can get down with the best of 'em.

it's true i can.
and i do.
and will continue to.
as i decide to stop sleeping with you.
or you. or you.

if my niece and i are truly twins.
i gotta pave the right way.
the way my mother set out for me.

this is not a poem for the masses.
just a poem about a lady learning her worth.

a mother's route

today marks my mother's 60th birthday
i am half her age

i also got news of soprano's mother's failing health
and simultaneously i've filled my day with watching over twinkle boy's son



what does it all mean?




palms up.
in moment's like these i can only turn my palms
up.

fuck obligation

real time.


feel like.
i need distance.

been so inside the grind.
the love.
the give.
the palms up.


feel like.
no poetry.


feel like.
i've neglected my boundaries.


feel like.
i've been opening my door to the wrong people.


damnit.
i hate that feeling.
when palms are covered with fists.

turned up

unclenched and turned 'em up
... and this is my life

crazy thing is, it was always here
even with my fists
pounding through these daily battles
1 2 jab- uppercut to the head
undefeated in most rounds
but just battles none the less
i came
and i conquered
these matterless battles

but they did matter
so that now i can turn to these same like-minded battles
with palms up and be the light that tells my opponents:
we ain't even opponents yo

mang... palms up is so much more powerful than fists

laundry day

not always certain why we do the things we do, the in the moment choices we make, never for certain why or how some have the ability to damage us, make our knees buckle, make a heart calloused. don't know when that sunshine might poke it's little light at us, remind us- it's all good, we're human, we were built to stand in the rain. and dance anyway. willing that damn sun to shine on us.

sometimes i wonder if i chose the people in my life or did they choose me. and how incredibly humbling it is when you see yourself in another person.

it's crazy how the sum total of our entire lives- the bruises, the drunk nights, the stages, the kids, the bills, the parents, the fights, the hugs, the endless monotony of work, the never ending excitement of new--- life. its crazy that the total amount of all them yesterdays brings us perfectly into today.

it's my first day off in awhile.
laundry day.
slowing it all down just for a sec.

thanks for dinner.

champions.

the last things in this house await my touch

ok.

i can accept that responsibility


i sit
with palms up
letting it all go

like really
letting it all go

"you don't need a man
you need a champion"


and here it is commenced
the 'evolve'



a champion


new word



new bar




my nest boyfriend
will be a champion
will be my husband
will be
a
champion






fuuuuuuuck
its the only thing that makes sense





i am.

surrounded by greatness.
the man that stands beside me.

will be no less.

a letter from the clouds

...so it's been a minute
that's what happens when life takes you under it's wing


where to begin...
i couldn't begin to describe the intricacies of magic moments between poems and dance
lost kids coming home to their dad
making something out of nothing
making something out of seemingly epic fails

singing out loud on a stage you build to provide for other voices
yet somehow finding your own

getting angry
really angry at your blood
for seeing them for who they really are
then looking again and really seeing them for who they are
your blood

or this apartment
and all the tomorrows it holds
the shift of belief
in career
in money
in possibility

really jumping off the cliff with no net
and learning, really learning in genuine surprise
how to build my wings
saying, 'fuck the net,
i'm just gonna fly'

haiku:
these wings start to grow
along my anchored shoulders
rooted at my heart


love, love, love,
me

in the grind

turns out we really do attract exactly who we are

met this kid, somewhat recently, who seems to mirror my very heart



what the fuck does that mean?




well... in this moment, i truly don't have the time to explain
which in itself, proves my point exactly






i don't know...
some day when i'm looking back at these words,
i'll remeber
it'll make sense to me as it does in this moment

or not


i just know
i know
today
my heart is in tact

my tribe is clear
and for them, i would die
if need be
i would seize to exist


or rather, it is because of them, i choose to live
to keep going, to keep believing in all these silly dreams


i know a thing or two about a hard days work
and i also know about boundaries
these days magic moments are plenty
but not without the price of some genuine full-hearted effort




i still believe that pipe dream of building my little army
and i still faith on the man standing beside me while embarking that life-long endeavor
but meanwhile, i attract what i put out
and for the time being i am my priority
me and all the faces and dreams and hopes and better days i represent


and the funny thing is
he's doing the exact same thing



someday soon i will make that one guy my number one
and i'll be his
but for now, there's too much at stake

... like our own souls

heart rambles

here's the thing
i'm 3 decades young today
and i don't feel older
hell i don't feel younger

can't sort out this life thing


things i do know



i'm solid
my heart is in tact
i more than enjoy the company i keep
there's some kind of magic that surrounds me
and shit
i believe in it
and i'm blessed to be amongst it



my mind wonders
because i guess that's protocol when we reach certain ages
so vividly i remember snippets from last year... 4 years ago
16 years ago... 24 years ago
it's been a long full life yo
i can dig


but it ain't got nothin on my grandpa's before me



i hope i can live as courageously as the people who came before me
make them proud to have created me
make them proud that i exist


it's hard to believe
that we, good or bad, are the result of a yesterday's choice
we belong to those people who bred us, good or bad


i'm a lucky lady to come from the good stuff



in this moment i choose to be in unfamiliar
people who don't know me
not thoroughly
not the weight of this heart
nor the heavy this soul bears


but there's something beautiful in that lack of understanding
because it really doesn't matter



c'mon new year
bring on the best please
i've waited lifetimes
it's my tribe's turn this time
make it real
make it real
make it real
they deserve it

blessed

it's 2:08 am
i'm at grindhaus
on the phone with jetblue

this ain't poetry

just a not of where i am


listening to pandora ads in between 80's hits



and i say 'this too shall pass'
and cooly says 'this too shall grow'



at this juncture in my journey
all i can really say
is that i love
my life

very much

sea salt with pistachio truffle

...and so i check in
on track 2 he says 'i don't wanna fall in love'
'i don't wanna waste my time'

mr. two minutes more has hit his two minute limit
falling back on that one
i'm more than a way to ice cream
i am the ice cream

so last night...
i slept in the comforts of a hotel room
days are long
magic moments are epic
sharing pillows with strangers
opening my heart to new

not gonna lie, it burns a little
the sleepless nights
the endless sun
the roaring moon
the missing my eyelashes have for my cheeks
the longing my hand has for company

but i suppose there's a means to all this madness
fitting in glimpses of companionship in this living the dream stuff
guess i gotta trust the sweetness of this ice cream
and know that some day i won't have to share it with convenience
but maybe someone who really chooses to share it with me
and i choose to share it with them

but for now...
pillows with strangers will do
who knows, maybe someday he won't be a stranger ever again
even forever has to start somewhere

pants like a dress

i like coffee. hold the sugar, half and half will do.
take off the facade, i'm looking for you.
at you.
story. true.
i love holding hands.
turned leaves. hopes and dreams.
i like to just stand.
for anything. for everything.
i like when your eyes beam.

i like words.
rearranging them, paint a new world.
i'm that one girl.
i wear pants like a dress and twirl.
i'm in a band.
swahili blonde.
i'm a little sister.
last of 5 strong.
born with one ear.
save the tear.
i be tard.
i be feathered.
i be shards.
after a long winter.
you be my endless summer.
you be what gets me up in the mornin'.
that perfect cup o' joe.
mending me when i'm broken.
there you are, every time the wind blows.

i be rhyme.
you be light.
you be time.
i be mirror.
reflecting your shine.
there we are.
in every sign.

yep.
that one.
can't deny.
we be the sun.

do you a proper

currently i am tucked into my onesie pj's, let the dog out to chase the moon.
bundled under a duvet, i just got in from poeming where magic loomed.
its a fortunate occurrence to stumble upon spaces where we can reveal the stuff under our skin
recognize ourselves in another human being over and over again
--but i know you already know a thing or two about that
you crazy guitar-singing maniac


who are you?



... and like so many days and nights before
faithing and dancing through life's prolific doors
he was shredding his six string, she was counting her blessings
but who knew this particular door
on that specific mezzanine floor
would place them right smack in each other's world
where this canadian kid met this american girl
who knew it would be a tuesday
when she would come to the ballet

this fisherman's rant

they say give a man a fish and he eats for a day
teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime

i have no merit in which to teach nor preach
the only thing in which i seek is to become a better version of me
the best, actually, that i could possibly be


that being said, i would like to apologize
for my insinuation



earlier today i recited 'soil from his fingertips' [www.youtube.com/ladybasco]
to a dear friend of mine
his response was very unusual

the first thing he said was: you wrote a poem about yourself

the second thing he said was: i feel there is a disconnect in it
and not in the words but in the context of them
its as if in the repetition of the 'next boyfriend' mantra you are actually stepping away from the fishing pole and giving away fish almost like you're avoiding confronting the acknowledgement of your own epic process of casting and reeling
because if you were to truly understand your piece then you would know
that you're really searching for yourself
and not just in a love partner
but in every relationship
and, further, if you were to truly be honest with yourself

you already have that

so why then, arianna, would you put on the veneer of this blueprint of a 'next boyfriend'
thus disconnecting yourself from your own ability to fish
why position yourself in such a way that you are 'seeking'
step back and realize that you are truly fishing
you are, as you already know, a fisherman




this is a thank you for holding me accountable to my own personal growth as an artist, a student, and a human.

i am a woman
i will find you in those moments of disparity
and see a light coming out of your ass anyway
i understand
that the heart, sometimes, it weeps
that sometimes the world gets a little too heavy for one soul to keep
i write songs
trapping words in melodies
rearranging letters forcing your lung to breathe
i find truth in your tongue and i water it
create soil from my fingertips
i love life
and you in it
right beside me holding up my back bone
holding up my own
i know a thing or two about sweet nothings
building upon natural blessings
i will hold you like the night holds a shadow
the sidewalk nurtures a crack
i will kiss you like the bush belongs to the vine
fitting so perfectly like your favorite cardigan
and i'll know the right thing to say when it gets hard again
when you're finding it oh so hard to start again
i'll just reflect your smile- that's where it all begins
i am forever days
ain't feeling so great days
when you can't go on i'll be there reminding you where your knees are days
i will dance
groove with you, spit talking, booty shaking, melody rocking
let me get into your pants
but not disrespectful like
in fact
exactly the opposite
i respect you so much like
more than words like
so i gotta show you with my entire body like
i am a poem
i'll swim around in your denim
i like things like coffee, and hikes
i love things like sitting in a room with unfamiliar faces
i ponder things like, where are we from, where are we going
i'll make you laugh outrageous
i am brave
wear my heart on his lips
tattoo you on my hips
i love food and culture
hopes and dreams
not yet a baller
but i don't pay much attention to things you can buy anyway
i just try
to be the best person i can be
see a little light from inside
i love kids
someday our kids
innately knowing the difference between being a mother and a mom
my mouth will melt away all the noise
i will bring you home
you and me on our throne
i be your queen and you my king
i am the difference between
material things versus these life strings
cause i already lived a life
then i found you
and you and i
well we just are
glowing like the brightest night stars
and in the day we bring out the sun
with those mirrors in the middle of our chest
outshining that damn ego consciousness finally putting it to rest
i am courageous
even when i sometimes cry
stumbling upon the simple beauties of life
gets me every time
the stuff that makes pride

i stand
and feel
i am not ashamed
to change
to evolve
to be real
i am free
this is truth
and through my freedom
i choose you

cooly

because we deserve documentation.
a note. something.


no regrets.
true story.


let your new life begin yo.
i'm so happy for you.
truly truly. you are wonderful.
you know how highly i think of you.


i took mental pics of your space tonight.
don't think i will be there again for awhile.


i appreciate all the time we've spent with one another.
and i'm glad i got to witness some of your growth.
think i caught the tail end of those anchors you're shedding.
i would like to participate in your new journey as much as i can.


you were right to set those feelings aside.
i was wrong to have brought up my vulnerability. even per your request.
i know better.
i apologize.


nevertheless. it was beautiful.
thank you.


i hope we can continue to be a well of support for each other.
and i hope you find a woman that will love and honor every single atom that makes you.
moreover, i hope you love and honor every single atom that makes you.


this too shall pass.
and yes.
this too shall grow.


much love to you world record cooly.

seeds

and so it is
you and i sir, somehow we managed to find something worth holding onto
and last night we held each other
-not just with words and concepts our spirits have been clinging to
odd hours of morning and star kissed evenings
constructing and destructing new road ways to the soul
to actualizing dreams and hopes
believing in one another, hence leading to the belief in one's self
-no
last night we reached for each other with hands and lips
on inner thighs and neck lines
fingertips ran across skin over that muscle in the middle of your chest
as if to ask your heart to dance with me for a little while
our palms caressed each other's palms as slumber came to visit our heavy eyelids
and wrapped in your arms... there was no other place i wanted to be
even if it was on a couch in an apartment once sparse
but then brimming with these almond eyes visions
of mannequins and furniture and drums and lights
computers and projectors, tarps and paint
your beautiful face so very close to mine
whispering sweet everythings in my ear while i try to avoid your mouth
so south you move with your tongue and those willing eyes
reading the lines between my legs
and she soaks without you touching her

... and then you did

connection made love over cloth and just the merest bit of your fingertip entered my temple
and that was enough for me to moan sensations into your dreads setting me into a prayer
of please don't stop
because your hands felt like they were supposed to fit on my body and every move along my back
and along my leg felt safe like you knew that was how you were supposed to touch me
yet spontaneous like you were just learning how to
like you'd never touched a woman before
your hands clean and virginal feeling every sensation of every crevice the length of my twenty-nine years
and those humble lashes falling upon my face
i draw my fingers across your brow hugging your doubt and facing this risk with you
and with an exhale i say 'this too shall pass'
and with an inhale you say 'this too shall grow'

so i sit and i write these words now
out of order, just feeling it in the moment
and i still smell you on my skin as i brave this new day

touching a man so deep without actually touching him
taking that rocket ship to bliss without even boarding the rocket
wow
what an awe-filled trip

january heart

i know you don't want to hear the apology
but please listen anyway

i'm sorry
that was a very selfish route for me to take tonight
it's just that--
in a moment sometimes
when your collar bone is close to my chest and you're whispering sweet everythings in my ear
my cheek has an urge to lean into your neck to feel you that much more
or when our eyes lock--
because an epiphany is occurring in real time
or because we can't stop looking at each other
or because vulnerability is at the edge of that cliff and we're not sure if the other is actually gonna leap
and if i did leap
would i be leaping alone

i'm sorry that i am so vulgar at times
sometimes its guttural, it's raw, it's me
and sometimes it's a disclaimer because i don't trust that the words are enough
kinda like emoticons, the ultimate defaults

i'm sorry that sometimes when we hug
i want to stay there longer just to feel your heart in my palms
through your clothes and your backbone, your rib cage through your shoulder blades
feel it beat into my veins and carry me to another majestic dawn breaking day

i'm sorry that i wanna hold all your wounds and bear them on my skin
just so you can feel what it's really like to have the sun kiss you

or take that heavy off your 6'4 chin so you can look up for once
really look in that mirror straight on without the anchors of yesterdays weights
the fleetiness of tomorrows not yet come
and just see the beautiful being you already are

i'm sorry because i'm mentioning any of this
because you and i both know, this too shall pass
but if i were to be honest
and honor our establishment
then it would be wrong of me to bite my tongue

i'm sorry because i have these selfish thoughts sometimes
you and i agreed to be friends
and that we are
so for all this rambling...
i will let it all go
get back to that space of muses and high spirits
that place where this man and this woman simply exist



and for the record
it was you, not i, who said no apologies in 2011

i do apologize when i'm wrong
and i was wrong to impose my vulnerability, or lack of, on you this evening

and to be clear
yes. i am vulnerable.
and yes. our friendship seems to require vulnerability.
i think i jumped on the defense because i was feeling not just vulnerability with you, but began feeling vulnerability towards you.

shake it off.

shift. in. perception.


good morning beautiful.

the walls that hold me

tiles and leather couches
i wonder when the bought this couch if they knew all the happenings to come
or ordered this particular tile
it was probably an economical choice
not a choice of sentiment
no one knew the spirits that would walk on this tile
the souls that would share on this couch

makes me think... it's all good
not every choice has to be so significant
but in it's insignificance it is significant
trippy how that works

feels like my life is filling with new territory
i'm being challenged to really listen to myself
believe in my mirrors
and apply
it's a new phenomenon
the rate in which i expand these days
breathing into the hearts of the people that surround me everywhere i go
the most beautiful exchange
the fairest exchange

so even though these tangible things were chosen for no particular reason at all
other than the practical purpose it serves
bless it
it's all meant to be

outcastes

so i was asked by my girl rush to write a piece about social consciousness
and i didn't write it
didn't want to write it
talked to my boy real8 about it last night and he was like, whattchya gonna do? wing it?
naww... it's not about winging it
its about not wanting to confront it

to be socially conscious requires awareness of society and one's place amongst that society
yeah... didn't really want to see that
because i'm at a place in my life where i want to feel good
i believe in energies and shit, don't wanna give power to things that make me feel inadequate
i so wanna believe in
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
when a door closes a window opens
i wasn't born to fit in, i was born to stand out

but is that true?
or is it just some new age concept made up to make a wounded heart feel like they have purpose
feel like they belong some where, even if that somewhere is the minority, the underground, the organic, the weird, the rebel, the however we wrap up being different, smack a big bow on it and call all those things that set us apart- a gift


i watched the sun yesterday morning scooting up over the la skyline trying to get closer to the pink of the clouds
and thought how majestic it was

i don't want to hurt
my awakening to society was and still is, on somedays, a very painful experience
what does 'not belonging' look like

it looks like living in a town where i wasn't black and i wasn't latin
so for all my filipino i was punished 6 girls against 1
and as for my filipino, being scoffed at by the 'real' filipinos that spoke our native tongue
and then i find myself in a predominantly white high school with the 'all american kids' and i don't quite fit that status quo either
it looks like endless sundays 14 years strong
skipping the school ball games and saturday night parties
because i was studying to be an actor, a real artist
but that 14 years strong earned me, not a career, but a broken family
a bit of a broken spirit
earned me a new consciousness of fear and doubt that i have to fight everyday
it looks like standing in the middle of the circus and denouncing the emperor's new clothes and being thrown out
or seeing sadness in your parents eyes because you are just one child and not 5
or being the outcaste from a society you thought was your family
looks like aisle's of pictures sorted by alphabet while an old man gets his fix from this 7 year old body
and in some sick way- made me feel special, like for the first time in my life, i belonged
it looks like being born with one ear, half deaf
like when i'm talking to someone and they don't look at my eyes
because they can't help themselves, they just continue to have a conversation with the atrocity on the side of my head
looks like working harder to listen, to really listen
looks like being told you are not enough, you will never be enough
and getting up the next day anyways
it looks like being brought up in an industry based on the way you look
and they're not really looking for your kind
or singing songs over and over again to get it right
cause you hear in mono and the slightest shift of your head creates a different tone
it looks like the downfall of normality
all the societies that didn't want me

and how ultimately it grew me
realizing that even though i may have missed out on some culture because i never learned tagalog
or being stuck in a cult for half my life dedicating myself to a society that would eventually abandon me
trying to be one of the boys when my brother's really didn't want me
and knowing i'm one ear away from a silent world
i'll do my best anyway
cause i'd like to think, that's what we're all doing
doing our best
and that belonging is over rated as a whole
but in those quiet moments
between two people, those genuine ones
you might find in a handshake, in a hug, in a sunrise coming up over the la skyline
we're all outcastes and for that
we do, in those quaint moments, we do belong. to each other.

battery life

this is what's real
i got 48% battery on my computer
and it feels about 48 degrees in my room right now
what's real is that i'm so filled with light that this cold don't even bother me
this shine is telling me i'm good, i can weather this low temperature
what's real are miracles
and miracles are simply a change in perception
what's real is that i choose love
i choose to live in love
like forgiveness is to embrace another person for all that they are today
and not who we think they should be or where we think they could be
but to grant another person their beingness
and as i want to be comfortable in my own skin
is how i must allow other's to be comfortable in their skin
so when i choose to live in love
there is no reciprocation, expectation
it is faith
that i am love
i am light
and by fully being present in that
the right people will show up
and they do
every time
i got 46% battery and i ain't done yet
that's real
sometimes things don't turn out how we think it should
true story
or perhaps it really turned out unexpectedly well
its just not yet apparent what for
see cause i gotta believe every yes is on time
as every no is right on time too

what's real is that i am in love
what's real is that homeless lady on 4th st high on god knows what
what's real is her saying no one loves me
what's real is him saying you know that's not true
what's real is him saying i love you
what's real is when he opened his arms and she wept as she leaned in to the cradle
what's real is that they were both changed

what's real is word swapping under this los angeles night sky
sharing space on concrete while tongue tapping over expired parking meters
what's real is 44% battery life
and letting go of yesterdays strife
yeah, really realizing those chips on my shoulder are just chips
and right now, today, if i want to
i really can make those chips any flavor i want
bbq, sour cream and onion, jalepeno
hell- make it a motherfucking sampler platter of chips
reach over, remove them from my shoulder, and eat them
and magically, miraculously, they seize to exist
shift in perception
so simple

so shut the fuck up ego conscience
and speak up louder and shine brighter soul conscience
carry me safely and valiantly into my tomorrow
twinkle twinkle sparkle sparkle
i will
i am
i do
not for me
but for everyone who believes me
that's what's real

3:22 am 1.11.11 42%

slave to my heart

how do i take this sad song and make it better
make all these thoughts of you wither
you're such a fucking liar

i'm so tired

words fail me

i don't know what to take of this new year
almost afraid of this keyboard, for fear of what i might put out in the universe
so for now, just for now, i'm gonna go work on something else
i'm feeling too honest for my own good
too pained to write the truth---
guess that's when i really should be writing
but i can't yo
i really can't

1.1.11 make a wish.

presently.

when i look back on this day.
i will remember, mostly

you. are.
we. are.








... but meanwhile.