july documented anyway

my camera has gone missing and i am so upset
i have been keeping a photo tally of this year by way of monthly albums
it has been an amazing process for me and an awesome way to keep track of change
and now the july month has gone missing
so upsetting

but it is times like these that i have to remind myself that it is just a camera
and although there are treasured memories that were captured in that little device
it really could be worse
could have been my poetry books that i have kept since my youth
could have been my video cassettes and photo albums that my mom saves and cherishes
could have been the 7 year void i endured
could have been a 12 year hell i lived
could have been my car or my computer
my body or my virtue compromised
could have been the loss of a family member or friend
i could be homeless and starving
suffering from some sort of terminal disease
my soul bleeding
my heart wrenching
my skin stretching and itching with hives
could be deaf all together
could be forgotten

yeah, guess i just gotta breathe through this one
and hope for the best
have faith that everything happens for a reason
maybe it isn't lost, it's just some where waiting for me, wondering where i'm at
maybe it was stolen as a gift for a little girl who can't afford a digital camera
maybe someone is looking at the pictures right now and feels the love in the images
and it makes them want to give it back, turn it in and do the right thing
who knows
what i do know is that a misplaced camera does not replace the mental pictures kept forever in this heart
what i do know is that i will continue to document
be it words, video, or pictures
i share those photographs anyway, maybe the person who found it needed them more than my internet community

i know, i know, i'm awfully sentimental about things like this
i don't know how else to be
this is the only way i can find peace with the feeling of violation when something important to me goes wrong
gives me a little perspective
so i will let it go
bless it well
and move forward to a new day
because i am lucky to have a new day at all
a small price to pay for a missing camera
a very small price

tomorrow

reminds me of growing up in paramount...
20 or so people living under one roof with one bathroom in the hood...
trying to find our way, our voice
sometimes it's hard to decipher and hear between gunshots, societies noise, economic short comings, and just being singled out for one reason or another
trying to do the ...acting, singing, dancing game from a shack in the neighborhood
ma and pops held it down
kept all our hopes in tact

cheers to the places that grew us
the dreams that made us
our hearts on our sleeves
the people that believed
and the songs that hugged us

where smiles are born

today was a work day
ran some errands
spent some fam bam time
got my rewrite done

i also received a letter from state prison
casper oh casper
and so it is
you are again behind those bars
that has held a few of our friends now

i've never been big on writing letters to people in the joint
talk to them on the phone hours on end when they could get one that was smuggled up someone's ass-- yes
visit her any chance i got while i was in town and every weekend when i moved back to california-- yes
but i never wrote them back
so for that, i apologize
to nicole
to eric
to audrey

i'm sorry i was a bad friend, because now that you're out (at least 2 of the 3) i see that that woulda been a real nice thing for me to do

so i think now i've learned my lesson with that


i pour my heart out
sounds cliche, i know
but my heart gets poured every time i sit down to write
even when i'm just writing an address
it's weird like that for me
so today
in the corner while in the midst of fam bam time
i wrote
my heart


the ladies were talking the other day about this sudden courage that people get these days
the detachment of internet writing
in truth, probably all writing, letters, texts, blogs, updates, comments, reviews, hell even laws
the detachment process, the courage mustered up when one is alone with their own thoughts
and now has the ability to publicize them
and how hurtful it can be at times
got me thinking...
on that same note, how beautiful it can really be
that detachment from society
from how people should be or should say or should react
but when they really get in touch with how they really feel
and if they are so lucky, give themselves a chance to explore that
and document it
i don't know
i find it to be a bit of magic

so those letters i never responded to
i can't go back and fix now
but i guess this is my little attempt to capture a little piece of magic
of hope
for better days
for brighter days
because i may not have always responded
every word i received put a little smile on my face
like magic

foreign sounds

it is...
hmm.
i love.
words.
putting them together, rearranging them.
giving them away.
maybe someday these little combination of letters will effect someone.
move them to change.
move them to hope.

that's why it is...
frustrating.
when i am trying to listen.
because that's one of my favorite things to do, too.
listen.
truly and really listen.
to all the words spoken and all the words not.
paying close attention to the timber in one's voice.
feel their sentiment rattle around me a bit as if i visited the pit of their stomach.
and, like a trampoline of emotion, was burst up to their heart and got to see the inner workings of all their valves and the exact dosage of love they needed in order to keep going. exist.
that's how i like to listen.
i like to take a stroll in their brain, see all the things that make them tick, the very moment something happens and it tells their face, it's time to smile. or cry.
i love that stroll so much, i stick around to see those emotional triggers-- change.
like when a person overcomes those re stimulants, and new things make them smile. or those bad memories... they seize to hurt.
yeah, i love to listen.

which is why, i am frustrated.
i wish i could speak all the languages of the world.
then maybe i could hear you that much better.
or maybe...
i just want to be heard that much more.
that thoroughly.

scream at the moon with me

i could stand to lose about 10 lbs
physically- i'd like it shaved off my filipino gut
mentally- i'd like it chipped off of yesteryears scars
emotionally- i'd like it amputated from the muscle in the middle of my chest

no doubt, i be blessed
kiss and moved by god's will
only got this far by the world that surrounds me
these faces
this family
these friends
the life i've built
and when i was too weak to build
they came anyway and built this world for me
one should be so lucky to have folks in their lives
that are the stuff of, 'no matter what'

10 lbs
i want them off
i don't want to be angry
i don't need this extra weight anchoring me to...
castrated men being lead by a cowardice queen
little girl lost finding her way on ny sidewalks
lurking in the shadows of the hypocritical student
driving from the backseat in my own car
the constant reminder of deformity on the side of my head

it's true
i can be cryptic

i just want...
to begin
smiling and hugging and holding and loving
babies and water, trees and coconuts
magic spots and rocks
jumping in bounce houses till we fall asleep in the backyard
walk me to my car and squeeze me a little longer than expected
hold my hand because you really wanted to see how well our skin would get along
let's make sand castles and snow angels all in the same day
let's change patterns and create something new
abide by new rules, let's do coffee till 5am
let's pray for each other on roof tops and paint halos on stars because we want them all to be that much brighter
let's bring back the dead with all the songs that haven't been written yet
scream at the moon with me
scream off these 10 lbs

i wanna do cartwheels on waves
... feel like these 10 lbs are gonna take me under
so i'm typing the weight right into these keys
i feel it dripping out my fingertips
still got a bit to go
but i feel it
i'm almost there
you're almost here