where in the world is he

i am looking for someone who can hang
one on one
and one and a million
intimately
one that will sing me songs
my mother's fifth son
my father's pride
i want someone who adores me
and allows me to adore them
it would be cool if he got along with my brothers
because they're real important to me
and loved my dog
because he's real important to me too
i want someone who thinks everything i do is amazing
and believes that i'm strong and able
who understands my heart
courageous and vulnerable
i want him to stick up for me
and make me laugh
make me feel like the prettiest in the world
think the world of me
the world
where in the world is he

secret to self

my jaw clicks
alot
and i think it's part of the reason
for some tremendous headaches
don't feel too well these days
want to let everything go


when i am alone
i imagine i can be alone forever
sleep forever
want to sleep forever
and when there are people around me
i guess i'm ok
i guess there's a lot to be thankful for


i'm in a funk
and i'm not sure what i can do to get myself out of
i have this show i can put my energy in
but fear has overtaken me
fear of losing my dignity
but i've already lost if i don't do it
fuck fuck fuck
it hurts
to be me
it hurts always i gues

to be anyone
to live and take it up the ass in the front
ripped and torn


yeah yeah
it's all too much bullshit
i'm leaning into it
rolling around in it
staying still
paralized
rethinking and rethinking my life
and puking all over everything good

everyday conviction

so.. yeah i know
i realize that i burned the disc
i put the songs on it
but still
it's still 60 odd tracks
and the variables of the order are endless when set on random play


i'm not gonna go through the play order with you
because.. well that's a little ridiculous and i would probably lose the point
of why i'm typing this anyway
which i might already done
shiiiiiiit


ok ok ok ok
the point
the point is i was driving home from work
just now
and my head was rambling on and on with me
partly i agreed with it and partly called bullshit on
and while this conversation goes on and on with myself
these tracks keep playing
directing me to my next thoughts
but only, i think (i may be delirous)
i was actually directing which song to play next
it was like.. the truth was in the tracks
the answers were being painted for me
only i was the original person who put them on the cd in the first place

you follow?


i'm trying to say in my 36 minute drive home i saw my life
how it is
how it was
and how i hope it to be
how i know it can be
if only
i could hold on to that belief everyday
everyday conviction
and sometimes a random playlist
can remind you and get you back
grab hold of you
tightly
and squeeze the hell out of you
and you fight the squeeze
reject the squeeze
shun it
scream BULLSHIT
almost suffocate and crash
until all you can do is embrace it
and hug back



... so for all of you
even the ones you wouldn't imagine
even if we've never met, maybe just exchanged myspace notes
maybe we've lived together
sang a song
shook a tail
shared a drink

i hugged you tonight
and i really needed that hug
and i just wanted to say
thank you

poems

they don't pay the bills.
there is no return.
no profit.


just my sanity.
and even that seems to be compromised.
but it would be even if i didn't scratch anything on paper.
push record. and let it come out.


so pressed is the upload button.
two more poems to listen to.

two more poems to just be.


i want to just be.
please.

myspace.com/shopgirlmusic

trapped

can't even take a walk in my fucking neighborhood

fuck off

done playing nice
always trying to communicate
diplomatic pathetic
walking around righteous
no more babysitters
not even for me
it's humiliating
and it hurts
if you don't believe in me just say it
make it public
because guess what
i don't believe in me either
so let's stop pretending
with the pretty la la la
and the auto tune recordings
and the bullshit stale feelings of yesterday
wasted
wasted life
wasted words
who gave a fuck really about those tears
who was there in that hospital room watching life breeathe less
who remembered what it was all about
just to forget again
i want to punch these keys hurt
make it hurt
make them cry so they can remember what they once were
once upon a time
cause once upon a time...
once upon a time there were so many shut doors
and now they're open with coonditions
always conditions
but i remember that boy
that one boy that one time
two creeps on a couch
two singers in a room
poets weeping for better tomorrows
but that was yesterday
and today it's babysitting duty
and i can't afford one anymore
can't afford to be one anymore








so fill me up with something new
some new rant
some new life
i want to excape somwwhere in a forest
let everyone go
and sleep for days
and live for days
and die
over and over again




i want iwant iwant iwant i want
to just be left alone

shit came pouring out

have seen it lately
i'm looking for my sanity
don't want to play nice nice
got a load of laundry
clean but i can't even put away
always clean
but always messy
fucking drive me up the wall with your constructive criticism
what i should be doing
what i can be doing
i can
i can
i am
i am
i'm reaching out for something to hold
it's not there
just vomit from a day old cigarette
i feel sorry for my dog
watching me whither away
fucking crap

her

myspace.com/shopgirlmusic


go listen.
wrote a little something for your ear.
for mine, too, whenever i forget.


and something for my friend.