breakfast anyway

i miss you.

kinda like when i want to smoke a cigarette
and i'm looking for my lighter
and i can't find it
but its ok, because some random has a light
and that random turns out to have a name
and a whole life
and before i know it, we are sharing spontaneous space with each other
but i still wish i had my lighter
its like... i didn't need the light
the light will always be there
i just missed that one light

i miss you.

kinda like how i imagine words might miss me
people use them everyday
it helps the world turn,
they are the cause of war, economic downfalls, political rises
without words, we all might be a little lost
imagine... no street signs
no point of reference to our destinations
and even after i pass, i'm not so naive to think words won't go on
but i'd like to think poems, some poems, prefer me to write them

i miss you.

like my morning coffee misses sugar
these days i opt to hold off
because i can bear the bitterness of my cup of joe
if you can stand it, hell so can i

i miss you.

like an old song that comes on...
could have gone many more days and months without it
but when it plays i remember
damn, i really do love this tune

i miss you.

so much that i can't dare open some things that are just a few clicks away

i miss you.

like la autumn days miss the real kisses of the sun


i miss you.

like a hopeless romantic would miss longing

i miss you.

like life would miss the human soul
the heart misses one single beat
the stars would miss this little earth

i miss you.

like rain would miss my toes dancing



everything goes on
its true
this too shall pass

i know
this is no cry for anything i lack
because i do have light
and words, and coffee, and songs,
autumn days and suns
romance and a human soul
heart beats and stars
dancing toes in the rain

i take care of myself like that
try to honor myself even in storms
all these days without you

don't need anything
a picture of you usually does me just fine
that bittersweet forever face taking his time

its just that
i was driving down the 5 south with the brother bears in tow
and as i surrendered to all the red hearts leading the way
my mind went a'wonderin
there seemed no escaping those wire- rimmed glasses
eyelashes pointing towards me
and these two scars sitting atop a smile
so instead of searching for a way out
i found a way in and i let my thoughts settle for awhile

i guess that's it
me
the hopeless romantic longing
i can take it
its the truth
nothing good every came from dishonesty

so, for the record, there goes it

i miss you.

like butter misses the hot pan

lovegiving

oh you wild hearts... there are so many ways this life could go...
i am humbled my path ran into yours.
you are life changing.
i mean, you have changed my life.


thank you.


you make me wanna be better.
strive to feel deeper, hope higher, faith stronger, love fuller.
you keep me brave.

-----------------------------

i wanted to save every word written in response.
but i already have saved them.
the written ones, the spoken, and the silent.
makes my knees weak. and strong. at the same time.
as i get older i'm beginning to realize that that is what love is.
it's everything.
if you want it to be.


affirmation.


i do.
i really want it to be.


happy thanksgiving.
to all my peeps near and far, distant and resting, alive and pulsing.
this one's for us.
this love is ours.

heavy moon

where to live now
now that i know
i know too much
much of nothing
nothing is heavier than i expected
but no expectations is this girl
a girl in a world of liberty
liberated days countdown
down and counting from knees of torment
fuck torment and its stubborn ways
only one way from this empty mass
massively mistook you for someone else


shut me down
shut me down
don't ever sing that song to me again

putting on the seatbelt

its a true story, i really should be sleeping
got work in the morning, such the fortunate one
blessed with these mammoth friends
epic family
monumental love
such a lucky girl i am

been in the process, i know
of some major change
coming up on a year of liberation
i must have learned something

its gonna take that much more courage
that much up pep in this heart to survive this threshold
the honesty card is the wild card
and fuck, it hurts
it hurts the best
it loves the worst

living this life in the way that i choose to
in happiness, in light, in the full spectrum of the pendulum
what a taxing existence
at this point what do i do?

i am reminded of mount fuji
falling to my knees and weeping because i hadn't met my destination
in the time that we were instructed
start the hike at midnight, arrive at the top by sunrise
well that sun came a-creeping out to check out the sky's blue jeans
and i was no where near the top
i was so disheartened

but then i was told to turn around
through the night i had managed to walk above the clouds
more tears ensued, tears of great triumph
of awe
that these two little feet got that far

what was a girl to do?
pussy out and go back
or continue despite the lack of food and water
sleep and proper attire??
and so she kept trekking

i know that girl
we be cut from the same cloth
just gotta find her and let her know
she can do it
she is inspiration



don't be a mess, ar
don't you be a fucking mess
get up and scream at the moon
get up and grab november by the horns
get the fuck up and BE the reason to live
to really live
don't be an asshole
don't be a pussy
make it happen cap'ain

here's how it works
we have this one life
just this one
and any day
any given day it can all be gone
so count 'em up
all them blessings
drink the kool-aid of the free and heart beating
the dreamers who dream with their eyes open
the hopers that have retired hope because they are IT


november
i am your humble passenger
bring me home

black widows

i wanted to get some work done
but all that is happening is my brain making little molecules of snow flakes
and my mind running a muck making bad decisions
its ok i tell myself
tomorrow is another day
a new choice
a new way
always a new way

red flag sing

skin and bones enter a new realm
where the walls sweat overwhelmed
we tear each other's faces off
leaving the masquerade under a smoker's cough
in gardened porches off of union
we recreate clovers in spliffs,
paint red flags crimson
october brought 3/4s of this man
found my body in a sudden new land
november got us counting quarters racking up parking fines
parallel lines
and i keep trying to find a reason not to
getting caught up in this blanket made of you
damaged ears- the pain, the agony
feels like a perpetual kick in the chest
but listen you up montana, lay your head on this here chest
chuck it to some karma, only good things to come
trust- i've already lived this one, didn't you get the memo
been holding down this weight for 29 years or so
screaming so loud, i've lost my voice
then realized, torment is just a choice
you and me, we were brought together to quite the noise
take it all in and really listen
give each other a chance to slow it all down
and really glisten
we deserve the heal
we be each other's company for this meal
so let's cook and share some loud smiles
hold each other's hands for awhile
your wounds i'll kiss
hug me around the hips
let's dive, make this world a little better
if not for forever,
for this momentary bliss
find a reason to matter
hold on to the splendor
wish on those double rainbows
meanwhile, may this army of 2 conquer these insatiable woes
of a life really lived, a pendulum in full swing
let's sing
feel the sublime of the up and up
swallow the low of the lowest down
just don't drown
to yourself, promise to be kind
this world needs you to shine

one way street

true story
i'm an intense little lady
my mind, like yours, don't stop
i may not be as vocal about it all the time
not for fear's sake, just a little protected
i got a lot at stake
like my family
my friends
the life i've built
the faces that fill it
the poems on my lips
the rotations in my hips
the taste of my skin
the ache in these limbs
save that pretty in an almond
hold on to the drive to mulholland
montana boy meets la lady dreamer
yeah, in my coffee give me a little more creamer
wanna kiss your wounds
run my fingertips the length of your backbone
lay your head on my chest, show you a little bit of home
fill that belly with love
hold your face in my palms and quite the noise
your hand on my thigh like you had no choice
wanted hope to run dry because we're living the dream
so verbose these two suns joined together at the seams
this king and this queen
building something out nothing
making meals to feed our tribe
an equal human to stand beside
scream at the moon with me on the way back from the hot springs
never happened, and so it is, silly daydreams

and beyond the fantasies, between you filling up this cavity
love's full capacity, we come back to reality
and some where in me, when i look at you i see
we can set each other free
and be
but so much is at stake
need some one to trust
this heart is not to take and break
looking for the one to build with and make
rainbows on rainy days
love, not by convenience
love because 'we' are the only way

i am needle
i am thread
a morning thankful
your every night bed
the pillow for your heavy head
the win win in all the cool
but i refuse to be love's fool

keeping it real

to be honest

life is good
you know it is
we know it is
moving forward is quite the task
new faces
old faces
forever faces

... but still
always
honesty

gotta stay true
gotta say goodbye
and hello
simultaneously
what a juggle
and here i go
jiggling out
gotta squirm in the uncomfortable
right through to the other side
see things
have the courage to see things
for what they really are

you are a really rad guy
super duper
just bad timing

songs of freedom

redemption song plays in another language
not what i expected, but it still does the trick
kinda like life...
not always what you suspect
but yet has its way of being exactly what you were asking for

still hurts
still joys
but guess that's the life of the pendulum
the life outside of mediocrity
to not just merely exist
but to truly live

tic toc in stock

timing is a bitch that needs to be stroked sometimes
even when its in a bad mood, gotta pet it just right
gotta make it purr for you, change its mind
stubborn little fuck

either way, bad timing will be bad timing
but if you hold it with care
you save the risk of it back firing on you and ripping you a new asshole
gotta dodge the bullets from time to time
make love to the idea of 'if only'
and then let it go
let the minutes do its job
the hours pass and take away your longing
let the days without serve you and cradle you
that's bad timing blues

gotta have faith
someday it'll all match up
because the truth is
everything was meant to be
every single moment
in that, i believe

so here i am
faithing on brighter suns
full lungs
melodies never sung
your taste lingering on my tongue
skin on skin got me strung
make me feel young

roll out another sky
i'll have time bite by bite
by and by
i am time

it happened one night

the air was thick with his past and his unrequited future
her sister came and so did her entourage
the room filled with the curator's life, family, work friends, and artists

he stopped her to say 'hey'
suddenly the world stood still
he opened his arms
she couldn't help but lean in
small talk, big talk
trying to avoid his eyes
trying not to give too much
she could feel his lashes pointing towards her
studying her every move, her every blink
hanging on to words they've deprived themselves from
keeping a pact

he asked her if she saw the light at the end of the tunnel
she said she sees a light
some sort of glimmer

earlier that day she had an interview
the question was asked, 'what are your aspirations, who do you aspire to be'
she received the question and answered the only way she knew how, with a smile
'i am who i want to be. i'm doing exactly what i aspire to do. i'm just looking to get paid for it.'

and he, well he sits upon rocks near water, or in front of a computer screen, or over an open journal
abiding by a pact, scratching lines down, riding the highs and the lows
looking to movies for a hug, live shows for a thrill

meanwhile she works on movies and is a live show
singing her way through life, dancing in forbidden sheets
and she wonders if that forever face has turned on that dormant camera
if he's decided yet that he's worth it, that the world waits for his vision
and that she is in the front row rooting for him

she kinda cried last night on a stoop in her sister's arms
kinda, yeah. a little bit.
she could never in front of him, that would just be silly
and her friends, well... she won't lose face in front of them
but in the company of a cigarette under a moon that catches her at just the right angle
yeah, there, in that moment, a stream of moisture runs over her cheeks down her chin and falls on concrete like rain

it was like watching the sun cry

scion pimpin with trol

'better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'

maybe.
but we call bullshit.
fine. it happened.
never again.
had our fix for this lifetime.

at the end of the day.
we ain't gonna be nobody's bitch.

dimmed shine

of all the things i could have written about tonight...
silly wasted thoughts on something broken
no no no no no
in this moment i choose to be open

the ladies sang tonight
and my western avenue accompanied them both
affinities rise with these familiar faces
i can dig it
even the rectangle's company strikes my fancy

its a good feeling
to be pulled out of your skin with song
to be moved
to connect

may i always be blessed
may i never stop feeling
if in life, so be it
the walls behind this heart begin to stack, it's a true story
i fear to love that way again ever
but at least for the duration of this set, this song, this held out note
at least in that moment
let there be light through the cracks of that wall

and the boxing gloves return

i don't even know what to say

its like the wind getting knocked out of me
my heart dropping to my knees
bruised on my chest from my chin hittin it so many times
trying to remember the truth in all your lines
some truth in all the lies

there is something unsmart about all this madness
i know there were words exchanged about having no regrets
and i won't
because it was a pact
but its some hard empty pockets of time fighting the urge
the question of, why did we have to go that far
it was stupid to start
so stupid
and then end so abruptly
i know i'm not crazy
i wasn't the only one there
or maybe i was
indeed, perhaps i was

either way, what i do know is
that i'm the only one still here

its ok
what was that mantra i had?
that's right
i'm tough
bring it

flickers

everytime i use the second bathroom in my house i always think of you
how our hands met over screen windows that night you were saying goodbye
that very pure moment between you and i
oh so long ago
we were just kids... but i remember the warmth of your hand like it was yesterday

my feet are cold tonight
makes me think of that one kangaroo i once knew
you sat on my feet once upon a time on that couch in san diego
we talked about big things, big music, tomorrow days for you and your band

i think about how this evening just unfolded for me and this new rectangle
i just rode the wave, experiencing whatever might come next
i'm no fortune teller
no psychic friend
just a listener
company to all the new rhythms
just a dancer in this epic song

pirouettes during nightmare and the cat as sweet trust and i take pictures of each other
and my western ave has returned from the other side of the pond
they look good
like something of yesterdays
realities i once lived
on some other cloud on another rainy day

the rectangle talks about his magic kids, his super hero abilities
we shoot the shit over snap bracelets and jamesons
we talk divorce and finding a way to breathe anyway
death, birth, marriage, and divorce
those are something of majorness we surmised
it was stuff of human connection
so yearned for it after my last episode

yeah life is good
life is grand
serving up eggs and bacon
just how i like it, with sourdough toast on the side
hashbrowns extra crispy
and with the ketchup
i still paint that forever face and his little scars that sit upon his smile
gots to
i'm no liar
he still shines

this feathered ring

because i made a pact
we made the vows that night we said goodbye
and i am sworn to them by honor
my word is my virtue
this heart is a face filled behemoth of present and past
futures that last
so here goes some words i release to the ethers
because i'm not a liar
and i don't break promises
never ever

a new mole appeared on my face and a new ring on my finger
makes the catching of the bouquet have some reason
super excited about tomorrows
on the brink of enormous change
the unknown is a wild place to reside in
but i'm digging it

just following the light
what else is a girl to do?
show yourself
i'm right here
bring it

true story

to just commemorate a pact
that is where i find myself tonight
in those quiet moments between two people
who found each other
only to let each other go
i think the text goes:
life is not about finding yourself
life is about creating yourself
george bernard shaw
so in that same vein
we are not here to merely find each other
we are here to create with one another
and tonight over a phone line
voice to voice
ear to ear
we acknowledged the finding of one another
and in that same breath
recognized that we are unable to create with one another in our current standings
i don't want to fix the man who stands besides me
i simply want that man to stand
beside
me
and yes, toes dancing
and yes, scream at the moon with me
and together we will jump off the cliff and create our wings
together we will fly
meanwhile, this is a solo mission
on behalf of all the people who have contributed to the makings of this here wild muscle in the middle of my chest
this heart
it pumps and holds the rhythm of all the minutes passed and the hours to come
and especially today
right now
today i choose life
i trust life
i surrender and put this soul in it's custody
on the faith that it has my back
the paths will reveal themselves
and i will show up and with this seasoned spirit
these brave shoulders and unflinching conviction
i will receive one step at a time
i will gracefully march in to the unknown
gallantly embrace the spontaneity of this prolific and abundant journey
it is the only way i know how to live
it is reaffirmed with every memory of heather
and my grandfathers
from giant in a brooklyn apartment
to this one girl who was born without an ear
it is the shine reflected because i am surrounded by candles
it's my eyes open and my eyelashes pumping towards a backbone anchored to light
it's the pledge of emerson's pure laughter
it is in the knowing that this is not an ending
nor a beginning
that i always was and always will be
creation
change
shift
in perception
i am revelation
in every discovery of a new sun on a new day
i gotta believe that somehow i took part in electing those blue jeans for that epic sky
my suggestion mattered
this is all worthwhile
because
i. am. inevitable.
i am.
I AM ARIANNA AURORA DOLORES BASCO

in the air somewhere on top of the world

to exist
amongst the clouds
to live
with the wild hearted
beside those spirits who dare to dream
who possess in them the courage to love another person
so unconditionally, so thoroughly, it cracks the dawn
pushes the sun off that cliff of the world just so it can tell the sky, 'hey, i really love them blue jeans you picked today'
rub elbows with the brave souls
the one's whose watering holes are found within the walls of their own skin
filling their cups with heavy fucked up days, what have i done days, shit i gotta heal days, shit i'm not sure how i'm gonna do that days...
i be amongst the hearts that are tenacious enough, open enough, wise enough
to understand the only way to really get over, is through
shuffle me in with the bones and bodies that believe in truth
seek a greater meaning than just this world of airplanes and technology
tvs on the back of chairs, packed in like sardines
if this plane goes down, i wanna be next to the guy who wins every time
because i win every time
it's a true story
i be amongst hearts that don't shrink when they've lost everything
everything
i'm amongst that good stuff that just keeps creating
even when all we got is bread crumbs and a dilapidated oven
i'm amongst those poetic hopes
the one's that know better days are on their way
and me and all these poems, these faces, these lives, suns, moons, and skies
we be rich
immeasurable by this silly planet's need to quantify value
that's coming too...
it's almost here you wild hearts
hang on
hang on sloopy

the union of i and i

drawn to press down on these keys
i sit between yellow walls with green trimming
mulling what to write on top of unfinished hardwood floors
i sit at the head of an empty table
i be amongst air that witnessed me grow
even that bread box holds a piece of me

i don't want to hurt

what does 'i've been through a lot' look like...
looks like easter egg painting as the rhinebeck sun creeps in through these windows
or tables with my brothers speaking words only spoken in dreams
a prayer in a san francisco chapel for my brothers on dion's birthday
christmas mornings in a house upstate with a family not mine
looks like bandages over my ear resulting in me looking like a mushroom head
looks like aisle's of pictures sorted by alphabet while an old man gets his fix from this 7 year old body
looks like lying beside your lover in walls of crimson and knowing its not forever
or seeing sadness in your parents eyes because you are just one child and not 5
it looks like the neighborhood kids coming out after me after class
or that kiss in my front seat you stole because it was the only chance we had and then you having a child
it looks like standing in the middle of the circus and denouncing the emperor's new clothes and being thrown out
it looks like bathing in philippine oceans with the abasta woman as the sun is brought down to its knees paying respect to my fallen grandfather
it looks like giant
it looks like groggy days without sleep but working a triple anyway because someone's gotta pay the bills
or one valentine's day when he found out about my ear and broke up with me
it looks like a bright vibrant flower amidst a snow fallen england
it looks like turned leaves beside twin ponds on acres that cradled me when i so needed to be cradled
it looks like towers crumbling down and there's no escape
it looks like perpetual tears down and up freeways from here to sweden
that song on repeat and sorrow and the weight of the world clinging to my backbone
looks like making the best cake you can with breadcrumbs as the sole ingredient
a mountain in japan that felt never ending
violation on a brazilian street, marking me a foreigner
a lake in canada that almost swallowed me
fresno lonely days and drives cross country to destinations unknown
like my sister's head in a purse of tears
my mother's heart in a casino of numbness
my father's pride on an empty golf coarse
its looks like being told you are not enough, you'll never be enough
and making sense out of it anyway
it looks like having to be the better person
even when it aches

i don't want to hurt

bouquet, marry me
choose me

tomorrow when i wake up
my thought will be on me
it will not be interrupted by pain
i've had my fair share
i'm ready for change
marry. me. bouquet.

wedding

thank you sarah and chris for inviting me to join you on this very important day. and if that wasn't enough, ask me to participate in it and share a few words. for me, words are the gateway to connection. the act of opening your mouth and communicating with another person and sharing the most intimate of secrets or the simplest of stories is a reveal into one's core. my word is my sword.

i just recently met a homeless veteran. a poet in downtown la. tonight, from a porch in upstate new york, i posted his message on to the internet. just goes to show, we really never know how far our words may go. how, in fact, words are a vehicle that bears the ability to change our lives.

human connection. this i believe is the true currency in this bankrupt world. it is of no wonder to me how we all came to congregate here today. this is not serendipitous. nor a happy coincidence. our meeting is the sum total of these two magnificent beings choice to choose each other everyday. because of their leap into faith with their words, past words and the words to be exchanged in just a few moments, we are the fortunate ones who get to observe their union. for some it brings us memories of this magical town, others it reaffirms what it means to make such a solid commitment, and still for others gives them something to look forward to. we may, amongst us, have a proud parent or two as well. and even the children, our gathering just might be planting the most remarkable hopes for them to hold on to and work towards.

so it cannot go on without being said that if it were not for miles i would not be here today to witness his beautiful friend, who quickly became mine, give all of herself to this wonderful man. and if it had not been for that job sarah was hired for and chris's father's suggestion over a gregarious conversation, sarah and chris would seize to exist in the capacity in which we celebrate them as today. we interact and see so many people in our lives and we often pass up the opportunity to really connect with them. so when a hello is extended to you, a how are you doing, a how do you feel, an undemanding what's been going on- i hope that it is never taken lightly. you never know who you're going to meet. you never know how your world may change.

so it is with great honor and gratitude i contribute these words on this beautiful thursday september 23rd 2010. the only day of its kind.

such an eloquent disaster occurs when the heart gets captured
taught new rhythms never heard
so virginal to jump into love
no matter how many times you've jumped
tucking into naive
really paying attention
learning

cause the temperment is different this time
the dance and the song
the movement and passion
in bed and otherwise
different



have you decided yet?
will this be the face to wake up to and fall in love with every morning
the bones and skin to grow older with and to do your parts in changing the world
will that little lady always be proud of her guy, that young man always watching out for his girl
are these the palms to bow to when the light is dying?
to thank for all the memories
the blessings
the lessons
is this your family?



will you fight to laugh when there are no smiles to be had
will you scream to cry when emotions are numbed
will you know how to cheer her up when her heart goes sad
will you know how to support his back when his pride's been shunned



pay attention
the answers are already there
don't need to be told how
not anymore
just listen for it
right
now

not all the leaves, but a lot of them

inhale.


feel like i missed out on a dozen poems while i've been away from my puter
let's see...


this weekend up until this very moment...
couldn't recreate that forever face i found on the stoop saturday morning
the conversations we had, so moving- it made the sun come out
opened the door to the heart
or when the evening fell upon us and i felt like i took a trip with my nephew to the philippines
or even deeper in the evening, bar talk with that loyal girl, her love a constant reminder of true laughter
and crawling even further into the hours chasing the moon
the margician and i catch up on what it is to have human connection
poetry sessions with audge
celebrating curly's birthday
5am was a good time for sleep to knock on my door

then sunday arrived and i woke to classical music
my parent's and i cleaned house for that little lady's 4th
the circus in full effect
it was like a mini woodstock in the backyard
a rainbow of color, pinatas, hawaiian dance, dance-off
and amongst the children was that forever face again
then poker brought me 2nd
and the little lady's 'rents took first
they needed that one
talks with the blonde in her new convertible post party
which lead to us sharing a bed, sharing some life
and her cat and her two dogs sharing my pillow

and in the morning we did coffee and breakfast sandwiches
she went off to shoot a short and i went off to the courthouse to stand in line
then to that redhead funny girl's spot, close a window, keep the love
on to downey for the clean up crew
clean my car crew
packing crew
practice crew with the nephew
and then bam- downtown
lost soul's cafe
the rush lady still beautiful, makin' it happen
and my creators decided to see me rather than go to poker
and so did that forever face
and scout girl and aragon came with company
such beautiful people
and my soul i spilled a little bit on stage
and my heart i sent out a little bit out there
and this spirit it did, dance a bit in here
and the veteran poet we met outside
and the booth at that dive we squeezed inside

then this morning i woke up to a message from pops
said he didn't realize that he wasn't gonna see me for a couple weeks
said he would have hugged me longer
said he missed me already
and the kids, we kissed
and the plumsicle, we drove
to the airport where i met sweet trust
and it all felt so familiar
but so changed
airplane chats, taxi chats, central park chats, sushi chats with mr. crawford, dog chats with his woman, connely talks with mr. yale, witty talks with the cowboy
in this apartment again
five years later
went out for a smoke and called my sister
did it because it had never been done before
we weren't friends back then when i roamed this corner
amazing how much shifts
and my trip has just begun

i really did try to say hello to all those fall leaves for that forever face

this ain't much of a poem, i know
just felt the need to scratch down the sketch of it
because i really do feel like i've missed out on about a dozen or so poems these last few days


guess what i'm saying is
life is good


exhale.

a prayer

it's all getting pretty heavy tonight...
how does this work?

my life
my life is rich and full of blessings
lessons
the true shit
the love shit
i think about who i am
and all the people who fill my day
and all i can do is smile
i'm the luckiest girl in the world
in my prime of true currency-
and not because this is the height of it-
no
because this is the most open i've ever been to it
and i'm so grateful to have seen the light

guess what the rub is now... is just... well
financially
i'm over it
i want a home
and i know, i know
my home is every where i lay my head
every where my heart walks
inside you and right here inside me
and i love it, truly do
but i'm ready for a roof over my head
walls i get to decorate
a kitchen i get to cook in
sheets that smell like me
my poetry books on my shelf
slumber under a canopy
i want a place for my kids to grow up
to make love and wake up the house with song
put the house to bed with kisses
i want to build

and what a perfect time to do just that
been building for 29 years
must admit, can't complain
it's a beautiful world
it's all in the works, i know
just have to have faith

sitting on the stoop with my sister
remembering this stage in life
'this too shall pass'
we laughed about if you put all our family's combined income together
we'd probably be at poverty level
and we laughed and laughed
we laughed about the day when we look back at today
when we struggled
because someday we will all be on top of the world
it has to be this way
it's our legacy
our destiny

yeah, life is what we make it, for sure
absolutely
and we sure have made quite the lives for ourselves

it'll all pay off
times are rough
but it will all
pay
off


the question came up
would we trade in all this circus for all the money in the world
the answer followed abruptly
absolutely not


universe, bless this family

amen

eye of an almond

between i and i? the how to the i?
i be heavy hearted at times
breathing absence bullets as the wind chimes
a hard headed woman's cry
i be faithing in crimsons and clovers
over and over
daydreaming on the waves of a high tide
holding you close, cause i'm lost without your rhythm
tongue so verbose, perfect company for this album
on random on the daily
keeps me from going crazy
each track whispers sweet nothings
filling my being with meek blessings
got belief in my back pocket
and true currency in the front
got woman and dreams on top of mulholland
saved a little pretty in the eye of an almond
i whip it out when i smile
when i hold hands with the moon and i howl
and in the morning, when that sun comes up,
hope-filled at the chance
sky slipping on her blue jeans, just for one glance
that's when, with that busted pipe, i fill this cup
because who knows, maybe someday it will be a pond
maybe someday, it will be written for us, you know, that song
although it's already been decided
inevitable at best
yes
we know who they were written for
a red bull and rain downpour
from day to day?
i rock my soul as my forte
the tomorrows to come
and the yesterdays that carry me
and all the lessons that set me free
and i know, like i know my own name
it's all on it's way
every
single
day



and for that. all the pain. the sorrow. the fuck. the oh shit. what have i done. the bulldozer hit.

makes it all worth it.

the surprise.
to see yourself in someone else's eyes.

morning wood

did you get what you wanted

almond eyes pointing towards you
words in an inbox, text box, journal box
you running a marathon in my thoughts
late night phone conversations fighting for truth

did you get what you wanted

that one morning before seven a.m.
they say a woman has sex to show a man how she loves
a man shows love to get a woman to have sex ...as we slipped on the gloves
should have known better, all these false gems

did you get what you wanted

talks about futures and red trains
detagging yourself out of my august
hoping to be left off the hook just cause you're honest
calling us 'red bull and rain'

did you get what you wanted

when you wrote manifestos about nest eggs, your heart on your lips
was it worth being in my hips?
tuesday mornings with words before the storms of your past
then you called me, made me feel like i had trespassed

did you get what you wanted

forest lawn between the dead, reflecting light on relationships
we turned a page together on the top of mulholland
you kept saying i was the needle, clovered and crimsoned
will you still love me tomorrow played and we wrote and we kissed

did you get what you wanted

we became a 'we' just long enough to test out your semen
you said it wasn't in you to deny the right human connection
but after a couple fun nights in bed tangled in your sheets
didn't seem too hard to ask me to leave

did you get what you wanted

when you said you felt rich
when you said 'yes'
and then regressed
and then this 'inevitable' you ditched

did you get what you wanted

when you replaced 'what would it be like to touch her' with 'i don't even remember life without it'
'i don't want you to ever feel insecure about where my feelings are coming from' ...guilt
so instead of a leap of faith it became 'this is all meant to be so that i can make a better quilt'
...beginning to feel like you just wanted to get laid, i must admit

cause it all couldn't have been for the bunny
or the soundtrack
the co-written poems
champagne mornings
picking out utensils
snap bracelets
the philadelphia story
sunlit faces on couches
blue lit balconies
poker and family

did you get what you wanted

did it feel good
like the beginning of the world?
a moment's pleasure with that one girl
someone to dance upon the morning wood

did you get what you wanted

a bottle of wine on a saturday evening
from your 12 days of summer ending

blued

sat in an office chair for about 37 minutes
pondering life

so i went to an art show on friday
hanging with some old school
ended up crashing in a bed that wasn't yours
wasn't the least bit familiar
saturday i went to the magic spot
wrote down some words
went to my group graduation that night
enlightening
funny- when we were reviewing the steps
i decided to to write each lesson on one page, no matter how much space was left on the page
the whole thing was pretty emotional
got to the last lesson
turned the page and there was a ticket stub waiting for me
the last lesson: letting go
said something about
letting go of what you want will guarantee you will get what you want
... something like that
it was also september 11th
and today was the 12th
4 year anniversary of my family reuniting
amazing weekend

only thing missing was you

from your perspective
i completely understand
i get it
from mine--
i wanna call wrong train
how does it all happen
and then stop so abruptly
but my gut says hold off
hold off
another day
one more day

office chair swivel
doesn't cure the blues

gravity help me

when i sit down to write, i'm never quite sure what it will be
when i try to plan it, that's when my fingers go numb
they lose their destination
and the keys beneath them might as well be some third world symbols laid down before me to make a joke out of me
hence why i always title my pieces after they are complete

currently
currently- i'm not sure what comes next
leaves some room for surprise
i know i'm supposed to be writing a screenplay
a love poem for a friend's wedding
but currently i sit here listening to a playlist 'number one'
and realize i am in a screenplay
i am a poem

love

i looked up the definition
didn't work for me
seemed lackluster
inadequate

the word itself
the shape of it
the letters that build it
so undeserving of all that it stands for

i was sitting with a percussionist/ artist/ awesome chick the other day
she said something pretty profound
said something to the effect
'i don't hate you,
to hate you would require i love you'

indifference

that's the pain
there it is
that's the hurt
that's the knife
and the shape of that word
with each letter its like a turning of the knife making the wound that much larger
the void that much more hollow

i can't compete with your history
i shouldn't have to
i've got mine and you've got yours
indifference

indifference |inˈdif(ə)rəns|
noun
lack of interest, concern, or sympathy

then you meet someone who sparks you
suddenly, indifference becomes difference
and without you even knowing you've been changed
and it was oh so meant to be
for me, to truly WANT to give myself to someone, completely
for you, part of your break up process

and for that
i hate you

track 5

it is now
it is here
you are with me right now painting smiles on my face
i listen to our songs
songs that i've kept close to my heart for so long
never knowing where they were really going
the destination has revealed itself

it is you
just you

and in some crazy backwards way
its ok
really ok that you are not here with me anymore
it's ok that we didn't finish listening to it all
it's ok

because i am here
listening to it now
listening to every note
knowing it was written for us
written for that moment that one beautiful day
one of the best days of my life
truly

and i live it right now

lean lean lean

here it goes
letting go
letting go
letting go go go

music does a number on me
shit
the tears
the tears of days lived
of tears of days ended

no worries
no drama

so heavy heavy the intangible heart
so awfully hollow the immeasurable part
a crimson glimpse of forever
nursing broken limbs from 12 days of summer

leaning into the pain
choosing life
choosing love
leaning right on through to the other side
trusting that life has my back
this is all going to work out
it's inevitable

everybody hurts
everybody heals
everybody joy

that's the drill
that's the drill

so it's my turn


enter the hurt

shortest long summer

there are things that no one may ever be let in on
not fully
the full experience is if you were there
actually there
touching
looking
seeing
like really seeing
listening

i savor
i embrace
i remember and let it live in me
now
in this pain
in this joy

my 12 days of summer

monumental love

and then...
oh boy
a talk
a talk that unleashed some deep rooted shit
derek brought up dj
he went down the list of all the dumb fuck things he does
he tried to defend his fatherhood
admitting to his downfalls
we went on like this for a couple hours
and then i introduced the idea of a shift of perception
perhaps a change in derek would possibly unlock the door to dj's passivity, dj's lack of worth
i attempted to stimulate... love
like all of the reasons why he loves his first born
how maybe he felt at his birth
when he first started walking
call upon the appreciation of dj's existence, rather than his burden
that lead to a history of which i wasn't entirely privy to...
letters, police, custody, mind games, hate games, lies, deception, regret, blame, pain
the robbing of one's stable datum

exhale

couldn't capture it all in these limited words
point is, it was heavy
i felt the joy and i felt the weight
the sadness and the disappointment
and there were tears

tears

it summons quite emotion when you see your big brother cry as you speak words of compassion, of love

the truth is, it's not dj's fault
and the truth is, it's not derek's either

it is an emotional feat when you realize that the person who just might heal you is the person you despise the most
the mirror that you refuse to see yourself in, just might be the clearest mirror you've ever laid your eyes upon

mostly, if there can be a mostly, it is about forgiveness

boy, i don't think i'm conveying, nor capturing much in these words that are being laid down
i just know my fingers won't stop



we also eventually discussed, somehow came up when i was trying to illustrate an 11 year old dj's mindset,
when i was 11
and somehow came upon the incident of me being taken advantage of
and how that was never addressed
we ended there
still to remain unaddressed

hm.
sadness crawls over me.

tears swelled up
maybe for another time


choose life.
choose happiness.
this is what i remind myself of tonight.


my brother bear #1 is a true miracle
he is the glue that kept my parents
without him, i would not exist
so it is by leaning into this pain of a life lived
and leaning right on through that we find a life worth living
and there we were
the three of us
truths bouncing off our tongues
realness streaming down our cheeks
and holding each other with the air we breathed


so much for any hope for my untormented childhood
but you know what?
i looked in your eyes tonight and i caught emerson's too
i watched water fill up in my brother's and his wife's eyelashes wet just by looking at him
i take in the friends, the laughter, the new and the old
the 'i can't go on days'
those 'someone show me where my feet are days'
and i find serenity

i find solace in choosing to love
even on the stormiest most wretched horrific darkest lowly lonely days when dignity wants nothing to do with us
i am love
i am love

you blow me away.

truth.

who gave you permission to do that?
what right do you have?

my favorite part about you
wanna know?
it's not those brilliant eyelashes that when pointing at me i feel oh so lucky
or the shape of your eyelids behind your glasses when every hope you ever had seems to be ready to nose dive into the world on the tip of your raised brows
my favorite part about you does not lay on a bookshelf of solitude company, the peace and new lands you travel, the culture and enlightenment you receive
it's not your long body so close to mine that one morning oh so kind curled up to one side of the couch
it's not the blue pen mark you left as a reminder on your cushion
my favorite part isn't taking a walk through your high school yearbook and somehow sharing new memories with you from some where i didn't even attend
or telling you my life story and you giving me the epiphany... no one really did have my back
it's not champagne mornings
break of day songs
borrowed space
nor the smell of your sweater against my skin
your plastic utensils
or your beautiful note from katherine hepburn
your hand on my knee
your heart in my pocket

i asked you if you wanted to eventually edit movies, shows, etc...
you simply smiled
and said you're happy where you're at
you enjoy your job
you love what you do
that's my favorite part
you are content, in the best way possible
so simple

you love what you do
makes me think, anyone would be lucky to work with you, know you, be your friend, be your lover
because you are that pure, that simple
that thorough
you are love
that is my most favoritist part


oh... and it's definitely not those scars on your cheeks that glisten

no. more. broken. hearts.

don't know why it happened
or how
but it did
inevitably, i suppose

"...and the burst of love's fierceness
cannot be contained in silly predictions
of how things should be
or could be
sometimes love has it's own expedition
to one's soul
in the most unlikeliest of pairs"

truth.
i don't want to ever have to get over this one
pattern.
leaning in, leaning through, getting over
solution.
be still

time capsuled moments
keeping them forever
content that they happened at all
and if ever i forget, i will find you in me again
every time the sun rises to watch the sky slip on those sexy blue jeans
that one morning we were visitors in their love affair

you have yours
and i have mine
there's a reason you gave me back my heart
and if ever i wonder what could have been
i'll think of that moment, in jest at best
but truth none the less

here
we
go

must maintain life, so that i can enjoy the chaos at its fullest

its not almost the way, it is the way.
everyday.
like remember how incredible it was when the sky slid on those sexy blue jeans?
and there we were on a balcony swapping thought bubbles?
or on a couch moving in on each other's smiles?
the sun rising to listen in on our song?

believe it or not, that very sun rises everyday.
because it loves to watch that sky get dressed.
we were just a happy coincidence.
their love affair's visitor.

but that moment happens. for the sun. for the sky. for melody, smiles, and thought bubbles.
for rainy days.
love. every. single. day.
just gotta show up.
show.
up.

currently

you sleep
finally
your body longer than the space you occupy
playing hookey from slumber
watching blue light fill the room
you talk yours
i talk mine
gotta get a bunny for your bathroom
a fan in the living room
swallow each other's time line
trade hearts
a new page, new words
chapter endings, cliffhangers
and new stories to begin

it sure was quite the rainy day
masked by clear skies and moonlit couches
my toes dancing upon your perfect sofa
my stuff strewn across your apartment
a visitor during a drizzle
borrowing space
like the space beside you
your limbs hang off the bottom
you're taking back sleep
right. now.
good for you

you're taking it all back
sweet
i got to witness some of the first moments
the first few sentences of your newest masterpiece

the beautiful thing about keeping a journal

document.
right now.
"i said that it's important to write things down, um
basically i said that there are a million awesome things that you forget...
oh sheeshesh, do you remember the essence of what i said?"
(cont) "doomed."

monumental. moment.

be great tonight

oh sweet slumber that never comes
let's be jolly even when our mates are asleep
let's draw pictures of the fortunate ones
let loud smiles be for tomorrow's keep

don't you know sweet slumber, you tease
it is not i, but you who will suffer defeat
for i live in the land of the infinite free
to paint my desired reality, i needn't a dream

you are a thief behind my lids
you forge my virtue in your land of make-believe
blaming me for a sub conscience slid
eyes open, no sleep, as far as the eye can see
oh sweet slumber, despite you,
look how far these dreams can reach

i thought not.

normalcy.
how do you decipher between hearing in mono and stereo
you would block off sound right?
maybe with your hand or even turn off a speaker on one side
for me, mono is all i know
my lack of an ear has always made me have to listen that much more
that much more closely
to the timber in someone's voice
sometimes even hearing their words in syncopation with their heartbeat bouncing off their tongue
like hearing them say "i'm all good" as their dignity sweats down their own throat to their gut
dropping them to their knees inside, but outside they stand so tall
and outside, all i can do is give them a hug
and that to me
is normal

speed.
how do you measure the speed in which a child becomes beyond joyed when he gets that exact baseball bat he wanted
or how quick the delicate, lonely heavy silence is broken
by music that stimulates a soul for a lifetime, that promises to never abandon you ever
how long does it take for you to realize those chips on your shoulder are only chips because you believe they are
and that at any point, you can reach over, grab them, make them any flavor you want, and eat them
and they would seize to exist
can you weigh the empty of a bleak future at the mercy of circumstance for all the bad decisions of the world
or compute how many chicken noodle soups and grilled cheese sandwiches it's going to take to heal
what incremental form can quantify the momentum of love
the burst of love's fierceness
the explosion of love's spontaneous

somethings we can't capture or define
like a flood
a natural disaster
all we can do
if we are so lucky
is to show up
and hope there is something to listen to
pray that joy from that kid and his new bat rubs off on you
dance when the music plays
savor the crunch and taste of each and every chip
slurp the soup and pound down the grilled cheese
get so full till even them bad decisions have no choice but to believe

i personally know not the speed of inspiration
i just know that when it comes
i hope it chooses me to be one of the fortunate one's

flooded

dripping words onto blank documents
finding truth in letters
exercising the imagination
using real life as the inception
then walking through scenes like dreams
cultivating an outline for a story i plot
yet discover it at the same time
simultaneously
tremendously
dialogue pulses through my wrists
by way of my heart
my fingers are no match
the letters are much too rapid to catch
so i take what i can get in an outline
not quite 20 pages but tokens of a lifetime
condensed in fragmented snippets
i am the architect of these weathered trinkets
that are soon to be a story
and like all good ones, goes a bit sour
bruised and beaten
a story about a family
about an individual within a family
finding the boundary free limits of one's own perimeters
a story about what it means to be an american dreamer
overcoming
and having to overcome again
inevitably
i hope to fill this document
so i may share with the audience
a man
finding his way home
by way of his own worth
not that of his brother, nor his mother
or even his sister who tells the tale
but of his own merit
only to find
he is, he exists, he lives
because of the people in it

... time in our schedules

dictatorship, no good
sitting under night clouds in the neighborhood?
doesn't get much better
swapping words finding out you matter

... added rice to your protein

and you and i, we be monday night breaths on top of concrete
between the night sky wanting to get closer to green
cause even the street lamp is listening in
trying to steal a little of our oxygen
so mondays be yours
mondays be mine
coexist in a moment
to watch each other shine

july documented anyway

my camera has gone missing and i am so upset
i have been keeping a photo tally of this year by way of monthly albums
it has been an amazing process for me and an awesome way to keep track of change
and now the july month has gone missing
so upsetting

but it is times like these that i have to remind myself that it is just a camera
and although there are treasured memories that were captured in that little device
it really could be worse
could have been my poetry books that i have kept since my youth
could have been my video cassettes and photo albums that my mom saves and cherishes
could have been the 7 year void i endured
could have been a 12 year hell i lived
could have been my car or my computer
my body or my virtue compromised
could have been the loss of a family member or friend
i could be homeless and starving
suffering from some sort of terminal disease
my soul bleeding
my heart wrenching
my skin stretching and itching with hives
could be deaf all together
could be forgotten

yeah, guess i just gotta breathe through this one
and hope for the best
have faith that everything happens for a reason
maybe it isn't lost, it's just some where waiting for me, wondering where i'm at
maybe it was stolen as a gift for a little girl who can't afford a digital camera
maybe someone is looking at the pictures right now and feels the love in the images
and it makes them want to give it back, turn it in and do the right thing
who knows
what i do know is that a misplaced camera does not replace the mental pictures kept forever in this heart
what i do know is that i will continue to document
be it words, video, or pictures
i share those photographs anyway, maybe the person who found it needed them more than my internet community

i know, i know, i'm awfully sentimental about things like this
i don't know how else to be
this is the only way i can find peace with the feeling of violation when something important to me goes wrong
gives me a little perspective
so i will let it go
bless it well
and move forward to a new day
because i am lucky to have a new day at all
a small price to pay for a missing camera
a very small price

tomorrow

reminds me of growing up in paramount...
20 or so people living under one roof with one bathroom in the hood...
trying to find our way, our voice
sometimes it's hard to decipher and hear between gunshots, societies noise, economic short comings, and just being singled out for one reason or another
trying to do the ...acting, singing, dancing game from a shack in the neighborhood
ma and pops held it down
kept all our hopes in tact

cheers to the places that grew us
the dreams that made us
our hearts on our sleeves
the people that believed
and the songs that hugged us

where smiles are born

today was a work day
ran some errands
spent some fam bam time
got my rewrite done

i also received a letter from state prison
casper oh casper
and so it is
you are again behind those bars
that has held a few of our friends now

i've never been big on writing letters to people in the joint
talk to them on the phone hours on end when they could get one that was smuggled up someone's ass-- yes
visit her any chance i got while i was in town and every weekend when i moved back to california-- yes
but i never wrote them back
so for that, i apologize
to nicole
to eric
to audrey

i'm sorry i was a bad friend, because now that you're out (at least 2 of the 3) i see that that woulda been a real nice thing for me to do

so i think now i've learned my lesson with that


i pour my heart out
sounds cliche, i know
but my heart gets poured every time i sit down to write
even when i'm just writing an address
it's weird like that for me
so today
in the corner while in the midst of fam bam time
i wrote
my heart


the ladies were talking the other day about this sudden courage that people get these days
the detachment of internet writing
in truth, probably all writing, letters, texts, blogs, updates, comments, reviews, hell even laws
the detachment process, the courage mustered up when one is alone with their own thoughts
and now has the ability to publicize them
and how hurtful it can be at times
got me thinking...
on that same note, how beautiful it can really be
that detachment from society
from how people should be or should say or should react
but when they really get in touch with how they really feel
and if they are so lucky, give themselves a chance to explore that
and document it
i don't know
i find it to be a bit of magic

so those letters i never responded to
i can't go back and fix now
but i guess this is my little attempt to capture a little piece of magic
of hope
for better days
for brighter days
because i may not have always responded
every word i received put a little smile on my face
like magic

foreign sounds

it is...
hmm.
i love.
words.
putting them together, rearranging them.
giving them away.
maybe someday these little combination of letters will effect someone.
move them to change.
move them to hope.

that's why it is...
frustrating.
when i am trying to listen.
because that's one of my favorite things to do, too.
listen.
truly and really listen.
to all the words spoken and all the words not.
paying close attention to the timber in one's voice.
feel their sentiment rattle around me a bit as if i visited the pit of their stomach.
and, like a trampoline of emotion, was burst up to their heart and got to see the inner workings of all their valves and the exact dosage of love they needed in order to keep going. exist.
that's how i like to listen.
i like to take a stroll in their brain, see all the things that make them tick, the very moment something happens and it tells their face, it's time to smile. or cry.
i love that stroll so much, i stick around to see those emotional triggers-- change.
like when a person overcomes those re stimulants, and new things make them smile. or those bad memories... they seize to hurt.
yeah, i love to listen.

which is why, i am frustrated.
i wish i could speak all the languages of the world.
then maybe i could hear you that much better.
or maybe...
i just want to be heard that much more.
that thoroughly.

scream at the moon with me

i could stand to lose about 10 lbs
physically- i'd like it shaved off my filipino gut
mentally- i'd like it chipped off of yesteryears scars
emotionally- i'd like it amputated from the muscle in the middle of my chest

no doubt, i be blessed
kiss and moved by god's will
only got this far by the world that surrounds me
these faces
this family
these friends
the life i've built
and when i was too weak to build
they came anyway and built this world for me
one should be so lucky to have folks in their lives
that are the stuff of, 'no matter what'

10 lbs
i want them off
i don't want to be angry
i don't need this extra weight anchoring me to...
castrated men being lead by a cowardice queen
little girl lost finding her way on ny sidewalks
lurking in the shadows of the hypocritical student
driving from the backseat in my own car
the constant reminder of deformity on the side of my head

it's true
i can be cryptic

i just want...
to begin
smiling and hugging and holding and loving
babies and water, trees and coconuts
magic spots and rocks
jumping in bounce houses till we fall asleep in the backyard
walk me to my car and squeeze me a little longer than expected
hold my hand because you really wanted to see how well our skin would get along
let's make sand castles and snow angels all in the same day
let's change patterns and create something new
abide by new rules, let's do coffee till 5am
let's pray for each other on roof tops and paint halos on stars because we want them all to be that much brighter
let's bring back the dead with all the songs that haven't been written yet
scream at the moon with me
scream off these 10 lbs

i wanna do cartwheels on waves
... feel like these 10 lbs are gonna take me under
so i'm typing the weight right into these keys
i feel it dripping out my fingertips
still got a bit to go
but i feel it
i'm almost there
you're almost here

anchored wings

grounding earth
like the branch holds a leaf
we all got baggage
our luggage just looks different
so these clipped wings remind us of the dirt
that stains these ankles and builds upon character
silly souls occupy this mortal skin
and we decorate ourselves with bling again and again
as if to say we're better than the next guy
so foolish we are sometimes, we all gotta reside under
this same sky
we've all been been barefoot with dusty ankles
we've all been stranded with clipped wings and hopeful

he said 'people like you don't talk with people like me'
'why is a high caliber person like yourself talking to a little boy like me?'
'just seems like someone like you wouldn't talk to random people'

i said:
i am human.
aren't you?

i'm in a band.
it's called swahili blonde.
we have a show.
you should be there.
it's our first one ever.

i will not be enslaved

slow me down not
this heart is unbreakable
hoe me shown thoughts
missed parts unshakable

everything happens for a reason
parking lot pimpin and late night plannin
souls don't crash by accident
holes don't splash in love's absence
stow high your pride
let these feelings of yesterday subside
but no doubt, what you left is this stain
no doubt this change remains

proof
people fight beside you, not for you
poof
pedestal's plight proceeds you
spoof
you were just mid- night's joke
truth
you soaked up my spirit when you spoke

with each visit a little bit of each other we sacrificed
put in a pot with netflix movies and tangled limbs
chicken dinners with steak and potatoes
spit talking with my parents
mentoring my nephew
my shine just left you

relax
no rhymes need be to make a poem
climax
none of those either when you don't know how to please a woman
impact
this mind instead of the jewels
react
to accidents that bear no rules

hoe me shown thoughts
your fangs are exposed
slow me down not
a little scar imposed
but darlin,
my sweet darlin
these missed parts are unshakable
this prolific heart is unbreakable

getting back on the wagon

got home in early tonight with every intent of going to sleep
slipped on your shirt just to feel you on my skin for a minute
read over some old words
just needed a reminder of all that i am
all that i want to be

stardusting recorded

stardusting

alright gimme a minute
to spell incorrectly
put letters together in slang
feel my heart change


so out in the universe went my tongue
swinging on hope, i clung
and wished wished upon that star
squeeze squeeze witness these scars
of days so long they could burn the brown off the back of my neck
make me doubt my own name
nights so cold, snow felt like the warmest blanket
and even that wasn't warm enough to hide who i became
scars of days when i felt so lost the map under my nose couldn't show me where my home was
yeah stop pointing it out, cause no good it does
when so lonesome one gets, tears run out and are replaced by laughter
i used to pull emptiness out of my pocket and swore it was a dollar
wasn't even a monetary thing
just wanted to see something
of worth
i swear i got a scar from my chin hitting my chest so many times
my throat ran dry from fallen words on deaf ears and absent phone lines
got bruises on my knees from standing on them for so long
some say it's the shit that makes you strong
so i try to make something out of nothing
like a dollar out of emptiness
like when he touched me wrong and i justified the cause
like maybe it was my fault, like i broke some law
like maybe in my 7 year old body i was subliminally asking for it
or those endless sundays you slowly cut down my spirit
slit by slit
taking my mother's sons and my father's pride
leaving them with the one eared daughter who heard what no one was listening to
so with your uncanny, unmistakeable wit
this family you divide, capsized
and i get it, fall on me, i was the culprit, i'll take it, i got it, fuck it
yeah those days and nights when warmth was a distant friend
life's jokes were much too much to contend
somewhere between a ringless phone and prison bars
unpaid debts and early morning cigarettes
squeeze squeeze witness these scars
wish wish upon that star
out out in the universe went this tongue
sealed and stamped
to hope i clung




so we're watching this movie
and the girl, she shines
when her love is near
in his arms she binds
her heart to him
his smile her limb
that helps her go on
helps him be a man
and together
they stand
looking for home
hers in the sky
his on the other side
till they look at each other
like really really look at each other
and find their home has no borders
like clouds and walls
ropes and magic balls
for in each other they find solace
this shop boy and his fallen star
they become one another's compass
their love story, their very own atlas
their journey of a 'we'
sets the plot for their voyage to be free
but in the end
as stated before
they discover freedom is not bound sometimes
by expectation or social jurisdiction
but sometimes freedom is unexpected
spontaneous
and the burst of love's fierceness
cannot be contained in silly predictions
of how things should be
or could be
sometimes love has it's own expedition
to one's soul
in the most unlikeliest of pairs
like a shop boy and his fallen star
... an audacious feat to win the heart of a girl so sweet, so bright, so far out of his league
so far, her usual company is amongst the moon and the clouds that serve her, hell even jupiter and mars
... a daring undertaking to want love from a boy who has his own ideas of whom he is to marry
settling on the town's prize of a lady, a mortal so beautiful, even a fallen star couldn't compete with all her pretty
-and yet
they are there
side by side in an adventure that serves them up

love





it is
you're right
a good love story
i'll give you that much
a vacation from the scars that define us
in this world tho, she'd inevitably turn dust
all the 'hope clinging' on this side of the wall ain't gonna serve up the fantasy
127 minutes later, back to reality


it's a shineless star when it finds out it never really mattered

simply

the happiest days are the ones that end with you

ohana

9 days of prayer commence the day we put my grandfather in the ground
a lifetime of ink begins for my brother dionysio
i call him ohana
he chooses to put our family name in our native writing alibata
surrounding these foreign symbols is derek, darion, dante, dionysio, arianna
darius and aida
in our frequented letters
letters that anyone can recognize
as far as the basco being represented in shapes not understood by the laymen's eye
well guess that's for us and the chosen few to really understand
and the chosen few is at least 100 deep in this family
and then there are our imbedded friends... that's even deeper
so i suppose in our world, it stands as a badge of honor for all who is worthy to comprehend
as my brother dante put it so well in his poem to pay ode to my grandpa at his wake
'the patriarch of the family
life span nearly a century
made you feel like being a basco
was like being a kennedy
one of the most important parts of my identity
and i'm here to carry on your legacy'

i take in the sounds of the rosary from the elders
the peace of prayer
and the sound of the tattoo gun in the garage we used to breakdance in
where now my brother sits in grandpa's wheelchair receiving a branding
a reminder
of today
of this life
of this family
our mourning and our joy
our song
and our strong

god bless these faces
this laughter
this home

for it is because of them
i learn love
i feel love
i am loved
i give love
i
am
love

i belong to a tribe that is more expansive and rich with color
than the sky can reflect
a tribe who's heart redefines compassion and unconditional
a tribe that looks like my niece's bravery caressing grandpa's face he recently retired
hand to his weathered skin
'i love you lolo, i'll miss you'
she saved her tears for my eldest brother derek to cry
as he watched his 3 year old daughter do what he couldn't cause goodbyes are always hard
it looks like grandma in her old age and short term memory
asking if we called tita emy and notified her of his passing in 6 minute intervals
but yet when serenading my grandfather in his death bed in the home of my youth
she bowed and wrapped her tears in his palm knowing she no longer was to wake up next to her 68 years
it looks like in the face of loss
we still gather and feed our community
open our doors and mourn openly
strumming guitar strings and sing the songs that bring us back to pittsburg
back to the days when we were safe
painting walls in the laundry room
with the lines and images only young imagination could muster
we pick our lot on the floor and stake our bed on the carpet we learned to walk on
word swapping with cousins till odd hours of the night
sneaking in the kitchen drunk off emotion looking for a late night bite
it looks like relatives that witnessed my birth that i don't remember
but it doesn't matter
they still look at you in marvel
in time and pride
they give you that look that anything is possible
like you're the most beautiful miracle
it looks like
belonging



we laid a leader
a beginning
a father
a son
a husband
a man
a cuya
a compadre
a golfer
a soldier
a survivor
a prisoner of war
a ninong
a manong
a lolo
a grandpa
down in the ground today
but his spirit will never rest
it will dance and hum inside of us forever
hold our hearts and be our drum

tears like songs, this family weeps
i hear them all over the universe
we're just trying to find the harmony
to grandpa's prolific melody


so sing on the hyms louder
tattoo gun sound stronger
what an honor to take part in this symphony
in this family

present time is present time

how do i say goodbye
to my father's father
my grandfather
if it weren't for him
his choices, his path
i would seize to exist
my brothers wouldn't be my brothers
my father would have never met my mother
my nieces and nephews would have never been born
my cousins would be different faces
my aunts and uncles would have a different laugh

it's crazy this life thing
this death thing

haven't wrapped my head around all of it yet
guess i don't need to
just have to be here
present

tears without a destination

29 years deep and some change
my head feels like it's gonna explode
all these swollen tears without a destination
patrolling fears without any action

cause i can't do anything
and i'm so used to doing something
fixing things
making things
patching it all up
sewing the pieces back together
auntie nana's kisses ain't gonna make it all better this go around
grandma's hug ain't gonna mend this boo boo
ma's grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup ain't gonna make the pain subside
pop's emotion ain't gonna make better this empty
it scares me

grandpa's silent last words to me be the largest sound
grandpa you got this chin to this chest bowing down
praying for some truth

cause i really got my knees dirty this time
and i think this time i ventured a little out of my range
i'm a little lost
i know you probably expected more from me
being that i am 29 years deep and some change

it's just that little girl in me i guess
the one that refuses to grow up
the one that still takes comfort in immortality
fairytales and fantasies
happily ever after
blissfully forever laughter
give me a squeeze now
for the trillion squeezes never to come
make my hands dance, like when i was 2
you and me we sway and we hum
for now i suppose they are lullabies
melodies so sweet you baptize me
marked me a basco
stamped me some many years ago

then came sunday
oh holy day
oh sorrow
you sleep
so much peace
watching over us from heaven
97
and i be 29 years deep
your spirit i try to keep



in other news,
my dog giant went missing a couple days ago
the downey PD said they collected a beagle yesterday morning
hit by a car
they disposed of him before i could go verify if it was my new york
my snuggle buddy
my hiking partner
my hungry little crawler
my unconditional love
my little man
my constant man
my road trip companion
one of my best friends
guess they didn't see all that when they found him on the cement that day
they didn't know that corpse belonged to someone
this family
then again, i don't know if that beagle was mine for sure

leaves me a little more lost
if that's even possible
for a person to be even more lost



if it was giant
on that median helplessly lying there
wanting so badly to come home
broken and in pain
alone and cold
if that was my little giant heart
i can only hope that he found you grandpa
and he's keeping you company up there
give heather and grandpa abasta and auntie pat and alberto a kiss from me too
let giant know i'm sorry for not being there for him
and grandpa
i know i'm 29 years deep and change already
but i promise
i promise
i will try to live as courageously as you did
create a life to be proud of
you leave me no choice
though this bruised life be aching
i have the footsteps of greatness to fill
i can't swear i will
but i swear i will die trying

streaming words from pittsburg

on a couch, i curl up, like when i was 5
or then there was that one time, i threw up, drunken teenage years
me and my friend tried to cover it up by flipping the futon over
i was so wasted, the world was spinning

the world is spinning
spin spin spin

i came in last night
as i was driving up in the old neighborhood i couldn't control the emotion
i approached my house, the house that i was born to
couldn't stop
entered the house and got nearer to my grandparents room and my throat and my tears
stopped every step
i stood outside the door for a moment and just wept
my grand father was napping
a long nap

i sat across from him on my grand mother's bed
i snuggled up with her
as my brothers surrounded my grandfather's corpse
my mother came in and and said , 'dad, why didn't you wait for me? i told you i'd be back in a couple weeks'
my father walked in, eyes puffy like a man's would be when he sees his father lifeless
his father that gave him life

as i snugged with grandma i took in the room
the dim lighting
the striped sheets
the little silver clip that held the sheet down on the in- home hospital bed
i thought,
what a lucky clip
to have the honor to provide comfort for this man's last days
i was also a little jealous of that little clip
it was witness to my grandfather's last breath
what made that clip so worthy?

then i let go of that ridiculous anger
silly anger
i lay beside my brothers watching the night turn into morning
like when we were younger
and i sneak into the liquor cabinet
grab a little whiskey
we share a drink while we bust each other's chops
hold our tears
speak our thoughts


and all the while... the world, it spins
spin spin spin

didn't stop
didn't stop at all


wish it did
wish i could stop the whole world and post a bulletin
a status update
a mass text
to every soul
just to let them know i'm here
i'm alive
because this man existed
this
one


'in a couple of weeks' my mama said
makes me think how i'm gonna fill these next couple of weeks



i miss my grandpa


i keep telling him that
i hope he can hear me
but for now, this family shows up
the whole town shows up
eats
laughs
and sings songs
all the songs that bring us home


oh grandpa
where is grandma's home now?
where is mine


i know it's natural
i know he lived a long full one
i know the body is just a vehicle, a vessel
i'm sorry
guess i'm just a little girl in that way
i wanted him to live forever
forever and ever


spin spin spin
please
stop stop stop


nope.


so i'll just curl curl curl
tuck away for awhile
hold tight my pittsburg
hold close this love flowing through this house
and sing loud enough for grandpa to hear

text

new technology
these emails and text messages
some say it loses some authenticity
maybe it does
the immediacy of it all
this 'now' society we live in
some say we need to slow it down
enjoy the flowers
process a little more before we just type some thoughtless words
and press 'send'


nevertheless
words are words
written or typed
misread or not



text received 5:22pm sunday april 18th
'grandpa stopped breathing'

you've got mail

one of those middle of the night binges i go on
already two poems in
you left not too long ago
always leaving
should be sound asleep by now
getting in your 8 hours

meanwhile
i'm soaking up feelings
my fingers trying to catch up with my thoughts
scratching new words
browsing old ones

then i clicked on my bookmark 'trol'
took me to a page that used to have your prison photograph
i used to go to it when you called so i had a visual of the voice on the other end
some times i'd just go to it to visit with you for awhile
thought some how, some way, if i was thinking of you
you'd know it
now it just leads to the general georgia prison site

it offered a 360 degree visual tour
click click and there it was
your old home
even took a peek at the kitchen floors
maybe this wasn't the one that you were in when you were working with your friend
but i imagined it was for a second
graveyard shift
saw you shooting the shit with him
bullshittin' finding things to laugh about
like life
and stupid things people do
whatever drama was going down
maybe some people you miss
some people you don't
perhaps pause every once and awhile
feeling the weight of where you're at
the heavy of what you think you were missing out on
the empty of a bleak future at the mercy of circumstance
the lack of a woman's touch wearing on your flesh
i thought i saw you behind one of those steel counters
bullshittin about what a great chef you are
or maybe even humbled a bit
learning a thing or two from a man
who you suddenly realize may be your best friend in that joint
but you don't tell him that
you just let him keep rolling words off his tongue
and you just bend that pretty lip of yours
give him a smile while slaving making slop for the other inmates
all the while a bit grateful to have a little something that reminded you of family
just bullshittin' through
loud smiles getting you through another shift
pushing till morning into a new day

probably making shit up in my head
the imagination is a silly thing
and so is writing emails at four in the morning

scoot over morning

goodbyes are the hardest
makes the hellos empty
something fragile in your eyes
something hollow in these poems

hate feeling this way
i miss you already
but i got mine, and you got yours
keep on keeping on
we're both gonna be good

but i'm not gonna lie
wish you would turn around
show up
right now
right
now



gonna lean into this for the evening
and then lean right through it till i push morning
take only the best parts of your profile
the best parts of sleeping so close

two neighborhood kids in a bed
all our silly resting on our elbows
our history asleep along our eyelashes
our eyelashes know not of all the things that separate us
make us different
make us 'not work'
our eyelashes pay no mind to our strifes
our lonely days, those deathly days
those i'm never gonna make it days


you just left
and you took my wind with you

damn

i'm not the girl, right?

i know
i know all too well

sure is a nice face to look at though
beautiful to say the least

you beat me every time

sitting in the backyard of my youth
shit talking over coronas and pipe dreams
cheap karaoke music blasts through the tv
while the mic gets ripped apart by the mouths of my adolescence

my heart beats hard for them
don't have any other way of explaining it
people may not understand it
why i choose to bring my past into my present
at all times
at all costs

i don't know
i think there comes a point in one's life
when you are nothing
absolutely the tiniest speck
you realize you could very well not exist
and no one would really know the difference
your thoughts are questioning themselves
your clothes are costumes
your shoes don't fit quite right
your own voice is stale and unusual
unfamiliar

and then there are those people
those chosen faces
or should i say, those faces who choose you
they come around
and at first, it may be new, awkward
might be some where when you were 12 or feel like you are
thoughts questioning themselves
clothes as costumes
shoes too big
voice staled
but some way, somehow
without them even knowing
they give you worth
remind you, you do exist
they make you somebody
rather than a nobody
always relearning the same damn patterns
running into the same mental locked doors
emotional breakdowns
and drunken tantrums

somehow
they heal me

so we sing louder than the shitty karaoke music
we be better than these pipe dreams
we live a little bigger in each other's presence

i know most people wouldn't understand
why i'm such an advocate of keeping my past in my present

i suppose it's just a gratitude thing
it's a human thing

so to keebs, trol, kirby, casper, ginger, love, ballerina, loyal, soprano, tb, j, heffa rest in peace, sweet trust and all the homies before and after

thank you
for keeping me real
having my back
this heart is forever yours

thank you
and if for nothing else
thank you for sitting in the backyard with me
it's always good seeing your face

we be grown ups now
but i think its safe to say
i'll see you for years to come

shit talking over coronas and pipe dreams
cheap karaoke blasting out of tv speakers
ripping adolescence out of microphones
i have a feeling
we'll always be sitting in the backyard of our youth together
always and forever
forever and ever

it's gotta be this way
otherwise my heart wouldn't beat this hard

sexy pattern

i want to ignore what just happened
erase it all together
don't even want to acknowledge it
but that's not my style

it did happen
it is happening

i just wanted to hold you for awhile
cause i thought i saw a glimpse of forever in your smile
wanted to stand beside you
feel your shine inside of me
i ain't gonna lie, i wanted to document my name between your legs
get these knees a little dirty along the side of your ribs
run my fingers through your hair and hold your heart in this palm
rock side to side till we found our perfect calm

but i know it's all a pipe dream
i'm destined for something else
settling for the loudest holler
the entitled ones, the one's who think they're the new hot shit
they're beyond the boundaries of my family
think they can hang with all my soul's memories
tailgate on this psuedo hollywood fame
which one is audacious enough to take a chance on the girl with four brothers
attempt to sign up to be my father's fifth son
my mother's new pride
the ones that learn to accept my birth defects
the ones that try to swoon me with their cheesy ass texts
the ones that see me as a challenge to get to
not a person
not me
and then inevitably they eventually do see me for me
and by that time it's too late
because i'm exhausted
and that's when i leave
that's my sexy little pattern

meanwhile always longing for that guy
the one that 'respects you so much i would never'
'loves you so much i could never ever'
the guy that just is, so perfect in his imperfections
me and him out of each other's jurisdictions
serving each other as no more than a distraction
bonding because of some old school back in the day interactions
i know i'm old ass
got no qualms with that
i get it
you wanna be sleezy, you wanna be free
you wanna figure it all out, you wanna chill
you want a girl, you don't
you wanna be knocked off your feet
instead you knock me off mine
and what is left?
two friends in a car
one pining for the other
and the other letting the other down softly
respectfully, as a gentleman does

so in the interim i bide my time with these tiny words and these little hopes
knowing that you're out there with some other undeserving chick leaving me to just cope

like a big girl
that's what i do
always

... like everyone else

join us at the museum of tolerance.
mat 23rd.
12pm.
all ages.

a new day

overwhelmed with emotion

my cup be brimming with blessings
brimming


i often refer to myself as a visitor in people's lives
i have many a poem about it
a memory bank of all the places and faces i've hugged
and kissed
and been
and pitched a tent and stayed for awhile
many a tears shed
leaving marks on those cement corners
many a loud smiles
tatooed across this heart
many a shared cigarettes watching smoke dance from lips
while you talk life, talk love, talk death, talk bills


and once upon a time
i felt worthless
couldn't pick my chin up
couldn't look you in the eye
so ashamed
so sad
once upon a time when i was 4
then when i was 9
and 11
and 18
and 20
and just a few months ago again
and somewhere between 2009 and 2010 i decided to fall into me
and trust
that i don't have to be the visitor anymore
all those times i declined to stay
i now know why
for all this to begin
to find this home inside myself



i am humbled


i look around me and see my family
my friends



and i am humbled



my heart feels like it is going to explode
i have so much love to give
only because i've received so much love


i shall be released

stauros tv interview