shift change

lately i've replaced me with

i'm not sure


partly someone i don't know
someone new
someone uncertain
alone




no longer are some things
some people
don't recognize them when they're sitting right in front of me
how can i when we've agreed to disagree





imagine a night out
and across the dining room
there he is
someone you once spent forever days with




not really sad about it
just breathing to fill the distance
just coping in the exhale
it's okay
i didn't want to hold your hand anymore anyway




that's the saddest part
i'd rather be alone then stand beside a stranger
who looks kinda like a man i once shared my life with

the guitar player

rhythm is so slight
it barely moves at times
just enough
just enough to move you
leaps and bounds more than it moved along the neck of that guitar
leaps and bounds
leaps and bounds
only goes to prove
... and with the first step, it all begins


it was in that crooked melody
somewhere sweet
in the pull of that string
with no words
we sing

soaring, we are
beyond this sofa
leaps and bounds
leaps and bounds
here we spin
sharing skin


finding a better

up and wired

and tired
and fired up with nothing but fingertips
naked lips
silent hips
on a dream trip with my eyes open
shoveling
sundance into romance
slim chance
should have known better
could have wrote it all down in a letter
stead of living out loud and shit
always screaming bring it
fuck it
oh well
next time
next sleep
next dream
always the next one
it seems
don't bother making any sense out of me
just a stupid bulletin
like a bullet shooting out of my skin

hotel cafe

soo...
it seems that i've been invited to perform with my friend carina round while they're doing a residency at hotel cafe in the month of march.


first of all, if you've never been, hotel cafe is one of my favorite places to see music in los angeles.

secondly... carina, smudge, and tom are amazing.
if you have a copy of tard and feathered volume II you know what i'm talking about. plus they're all from england which makes them especially badass. they talk silly and sometimes i wish they came with english subtitles. :)

and lastly--- it would be wonderful if you came. witness me fall on my face on stage in a pool of my own words.


feel a little bit like i'm at a party getting a present... but it's not my birthday. but it's beautiful anyway.



i've made some cds to give out for free. and you can purchase a copy of tard and feathered volume II if you are so inclined to do so that evening as well.



would love to share the evening with you. i took the night off of work and everything!


a kiss. and a smile.
me.

thought bubbled me

this is my attempt to be honest
utterly and completely
maybe it's my lack of sleep that always puts me in the mood
maybe it's the feeling that dishonesty never brings about anything truly good

i do things like try to type properly
make the most of my day because
i don't know
i'm 25 and healthy
i can see
i can hear
i can walk
i'm an able human being
even in the face of disability
i've always felt different
but always had an affinity with everyone
some sort of familiar

i'm awkward when someone fancies me
like, i mean, when someone is attracted to me
always feel like it's some sort of charity
like i'm an exception to their rules
so never have i let my guard down, i guess
like really surrendered

i'm worried about my future a little bit
feel like i'm on a train someone mistakenly let me board
maybe they were at a shift change or a smoke break
at any moment i can be kicked off and left in the middle of nowhere
but for now,
i suppose i just ride
take in all the wonders of this remarkable trip

i'm about to move to koreatown
1 studio apartment all to myself
i'm truly excited
and truly petrified
i've never lived alone before
and i suppose i should do it now before life gets on and i have children and other obligations
although i swear no one will ever marry a girl like me

i like the place
feels like ny
feels like long beach
feels like somewhere i've lived before
i'm afraid of the non- surprise
you know what i mean?
for example, if i smoke a cigarette and put it in the ashtray and leave the ashtray in the black and white tiled kitchen beside the sink
it will, for sure, be right where i left it when i return home
or if i buy grapefruit juice and drink 5/8ths of it
the next day there will be exactly 5/8ths of it missing
or if i think of something silly and want to say it out loud
there will be no one to tell it to
or if i need a good cry
there will be no shoulder

oh well
was never one for tears on other people's shoulder anyway
giant has always sufficed
and before that
well
like i said
i'm a healthy, honest, able human being
i know where my pillow is
i can find the toilet paper in the bathroom to wipe the salt from my eye

i'm trying to live a life of worth
i'm hoping that i will be my ma's breath of fresh air
i love my brothers
my friends
really do
i don't think that loving people means the same thing as appeasing people
accomadating for people
i think loving people is seeing them for who they are
and seeing yourself
truly
then finding out if you can coexist in a moment
those very special moments
i have so many of them
and i love it
i'm honored to have as many as i do
you know, the good stuff

the shit that makes me twinkle sometimes
makes me cry sometimes

to be honest
i feel very alone these days
not neccessarily in a terrible way
just in a very clear...
i don't know
like i am the eye of my storm
and i see it all clearly
but chaotically
unblurred chaos

it barely makes sense, i know





gosh.
i miss holding hands.
and skipping.

feels like if i'm on this train i can't have those things anymore

still. always.

now, for you, i smile
because it was
it is
so beautiful


what else is life
but these constant whelms
of lust and love
passion and depletion
sleep all day shit
forget me not stuff
and all that
breathing, letting it out
and letting it all go
dreaming about snow
on a perfect los angeles day


getting tangled up on a sidewalk
roaring under canopies of graveyard shifts
making mixed tapes for no one
pushing repeat to feel it all again
pressing repeat like an omen for the future
tripping on lessons, sometimes drowning in blur
but everything becomes clear again
and it is
it really is
all
good


we're all just ephemeral moments wanting to be held for awhile
even when we scream 'leave me the fuck alone
this is me naked
and i ain't here to show you anything
i'm content with this sting
the silent phone ring
this mosaic of broken heart strings
all these jokes that life brings'


and this too shall pass rings
so fast
so quick
but so glad that it happened at all

i wouldn't have changed a thing
so perfect
i smile, for you, now

at least in los angeles :)
dreaming of snow

when an asshole kneels

sometimes i underestimate
actions
affect
thinking i'm just a speck
a scratch in your life
cause who am i really
just some holy night
or maybe a few of them
a cough up of life's phlegm
something thick and loud
demanding to be exposed
needing to be written in prose
an almost
just verbose
another living hoax

so i misunderstand
and you do too
getting soft these days
forgetting what goes around
comes around
so immediately most of the time
for me anyway

so step forward i will
and thankful i am
this time i'll be stronger
i'll remember
i'll know
and i truly
am
so sorry

certainly wonderful

before i go on with my life
i just wanted to say
when there is nothing left to say



see i really loved the part
lost between your collar bone and your ear lobe
and i really prayed on the thought of being in your eyes for awhile
like watching you age for a bit
watching me grow for a minute

i really can't explain life choices and responsibility i am obliged to
that i feel that i am obliged to
can't explain family
ohana
everywhere i'm from
all the people that affect me
all the people that i keeep close to me


i don't know what could have been
what i should have done
how i could have been a better person

i try to be the best
at least for me
try to honor the choices i've already made
try to serve those who show me what loyalty means everyday


i don't know man


something about running my fingertips through your unwashed hair
sneaking in a kiss at a bbq
touching you tender
touching you rough
for no reason
not apparently at least
just simply cause i adore you


... and now i am
without you
and that's okay
i know

i know


whatever
a couple of weeks
so sweet
so nice


and the chemistry is gone
i accept that
i single handedly broke that
hurt that
i know


so i'll let go now
that's it, as you say


and i'm so sorry
i wasn't enough
i didn't come through
and you, sir
are so amazing
and i, sir
am so stoked for the girl who gets to hold you awhile
who deserves you for awhile


i'm an asshole dude
i get it
i understand
but i'm just me
so far from any kind of perfect
it is all good
even in hurt
but i'll do right
i'll always do what i think is right
i'm not as careless as you think
and i don't feel much like proving to you my heart


but so


so very


close


our hearts



just for a few ephemeral moments
fucking wonderful