the door is open

my eyes are getting heavy again
and my jaw is still clenching away
midday naps are always welcome
but never seem to actually arrive



lately i've been holding hands with consequence
hugging through a phone line
serendipitous it seems
something of dreams
but while awake
eyes open
stories telling stories
something i've heard before
something recognizable
something of a relief


a result
an effect
affected by impact
extracting my life pack
let's crack the abstract and put back all we lack
words defining words
you reflecting me
life knocking on life
just hoping
just hope
this time she'll open the door
this time he'll forgive himself
this time they'll know
it's ok


so i lean a little closer to the timber in your voice
riding the whelms of your thoughts
for a moment, unlocking my lock
and letting you in


and there she is
beneath a canopy waiting for sleep
scratching these words
spitting nonsense
not making any sense
slowly going insane
sanely again
but i let you in, anyway
something already planned i suppose
or maybe we're just something to write
some sort of prose
just to say hello in echoes
find in each other a hero
ditto me hollow
bitter you glows
a bit of our hearts exposed
almond eyes slideshows
the photo of this faceless leo



but somewhere in there
sometime when she answered the phone
let him into her unrested head
in turn, he let her sit in his dissented mind
they found they were of the same kind
something so very familiar


another ephemeral creature
a mirror


a consequence



letting go of my defense
my eyelids are heavy again
exhaust just beneath this skin
but sleep is no where to live freely, so up up i'll stay
scratching words midday

table for one

sleep is slapping me clear across my face
bruising my eyelids
trying to unclench my jaw
wrapping me in a canopy
and yet i stare defiantly at my dreams

tossing and turning so still
i want to surrender
exhaust me words
exhaust me pray

there you are again
always you
what the fuck
again
and again
and again

it's fonder i think
all of it fonder
i used to think moreso when i slept
then i thought reality
when dreams come true type shit
no but now
it's better when i'm awake
and you're not here
this is where my thoughts of you roam the free-est
are the bestest
are right there down at par
exactly where i always imagined you'd be

this is when i'm not dissapointed
this is where my picture perfect world exists
no longer in dreams
i just figured it out
no longer in dreams
not even when the dreams came true
it was in the longing
that perfect idea of what was

see, cause in reality it isn't anything i remember
or thought it should have been
and in dreams, well dreams are just a reflection of reality
mine are anyway
but here
now
i can be awake
and play these silly picture shows of perfect imperfection
hope for something that no longer exists
not because it isn't coming back
it no longer exists because it just simply
no longer exists
i know
i've seen it with my own eyes
i felt it check out

right now
i get to pick and choose
every slide
every memory
every moment
that made me hope in the first place

cause reality ain't cutting it
and dreams don't bring it
not anymore

in your absence you are everything i remembered you to be

don't kid yourself

i'm not that tough
keep reminding me of how strong i stand
how solid i am and i will falter
that's what you wanted me to say you fucking wish
it's never me down the alter
always me in that slutty garter
words in the gutter
my voice echoed in a sewer
pinch my thighs harder
put your hand between these knees and go fetch
dig deeper for my heart by way of my cunt
let's be blunt
you're only here to impress yourself
so bat bat went my lash
twinkle twinke went my eye
as you wrinkle my jeans
thrash about around my inseams
live out your dreams
i'll pet your narcissism just right
all fucking night and i'll have you bite by bite
cause this dress was for you
and the twinkle too, it's true
and the blush and my ass in these pants
and my little scratched words
but don't be mistaken
it never meant i wanted to get fucked by you
i was looking for something more than your dick
a little more than your sticky lips
was looking for you
at you
the whole time
but your stuck in your self importance
your disgusting need for a pat on the back
how smart you are
how handsome
how wonderful
how beautiful
bat bat goes my lash
how brilliant and fuck i'm so lucky to be here with you now

just cause we fucked
does not mean i was fucked by you

so tuck it back in sir
don't be so disappointed that i'm not staying
that i'm not buying into your shit
fun, right?
that's all i can afford for the mice
i'm on a budget
and you can't buy me
don't take loans
i earn my right to speak
big fancy cars don't get too far with me
i can pay for my part of dinner
i can pay for my own existence
you didn't give it to me
you can't take away what i already have asshole
i never needed you to make my life whole

on top of napkins

forks spoons and knives
from the east village
to long beach
days look different
different agendas
i find myself missing those momented years
i wanted so badly to leave behind
praying on "this too shall pass"
and pass it has
what heartbreak bestowed upon me
arianna meet irony

when given a new day
it's funny how quickly we adjust
so funny i fogot to laugh
left that smile somewhere right next to
those salty tears drowning in bob's lake
knocking on doors i once had the key for
asking permission to hold your hand
to spend the night
our break up becomes a thing of art
a song and a documented poem
a test of emotional tolerance
walking on a threaded boundary
slipping on residue left from yesteryear's memories
such comedy!
wrapped in a lake of tragedy
never could figure out how to hold on to water
not when the water is the container

so spill on me tragedy!
spit hail on me irony!
then leave me in this hell
raging words
sexing prose
standing outside
hugging rain
the perfect soulmate to pain
silly lamented dame

forks spoons and knives
what a fucking life

of mice and men

kicking balls and hitting walls
getting up after the fall
that there is the stuff that makes a man stand tall
not if you win or lose
it's the fact that you showed up at all
show up for the game
and life has no choice
than to acknowledge your voice
i'm so glad i came
that silly dame
with her silly dog
too early they left
but smiling for you all the same

anchored to faith

i am gasping again
longing, waiting
how bout it?
the pain of days ending
the relief of days bending, changing

life...
never gives me a break
where's my fucking piece of cake?
sometimes i just want a retake
pretend i'm a fake
but i'm anchored to faith

great


integrity is always banging on my head
in the vast company of adversity, i tread
searching, sometimes frantically, for those serenity sails
trying to stay up over the swells
trusting trust will keep me afloat
latching on the the idea of "diginty"-- that humble boat
promised to take me home

meanwhile i just roam
amongst these tragic waters
praying for my heart to be better
be stronger

don't think, see don't think, be
don't think, dream don't think, beam
just don't fucking sink!

refill please

picture shows of everyday passed
everyday leading up to this one
just beyond the coffee cup
i thought i saw my tomorrow

moving on. being moved. moving forward.

... so i wanted to say...

well-
i just typed and deleted and typed and deleted about a dozen times

lame.

not my style



it's always early when you're awake
it's always late when you don't sleep

so i'm in my favorite time of day
when the sky changes her jeans
and my head was chasing dreams it was inept to catch
but i touched with my fingertips a few roaming thoughts worthwhile enough to let dance around my mind a bit

and there you were
in a doorway speaking of some lyrics you put down somewhere
and in your eyes was a mirror
something familiar
it made me smile

... so i just wanted to say


well- and then there was a lonely coffee cup
and it was shitty
cause it really wanted company that night
and there's nothing wrong with thursday
and coffee loves birthdays
but the coffee didn't want to impose
and the coffee didn't want to be exposed
not like that
she just wanted to be

... i guess all i'm saying


err- then there was that other boy
she seemed so much more interested in
on a step, at a show, so close to her skin
but she really did come for him
that guy in the band
she thought it was nice when he kissed her hand


... so i just wanted to say...


i'm stoked too