how old are you?

it's my wife's birthday today
there has actually been quite a few of them
all your mamas' and papas' must have been feeling that holiday cheer

i'm not naming off every birthday
you know i'm here
and it doesn't take your birthday to get to me

these markers of time are kind of awesome, right?
you have a little (or big) nothing crazy kind of night
get some presents, good food
good company, lots of attention
yes... what a wonderful day

then the realization of another year
of time passed
a lot of 'remember that time'
and 'back in the days'
man, like yesterday

from before i can remember i was old. i had four brothers respect i had to gain. always standing tall. you get tough growing up in the basco house. wasn't always easy. wasn't always no no no. but the older i get it seems the more in touch i get with that little girl in me. that little fancy one with the florescent socks and the rainbow brite doll.

i guess i always had a nack for feeling things deeply. genuinely. i've always been okay with that. others, on the other hand, grew to despise my ways. then i began to despise my ways. hated myself. had too much respect and love to piss down my own leg in front of my friends and family. no. i took care of that shit in new york. there she goes... on that plane pissing down her dreams. pissing down the pain. i soaked there for a few years. till it stank so much i couldn't take it anymore.

so i woke up from my piss and shit coma and arrived at twenty-four years of age. where did the time go? i am in my mid-twenties. ha! all of my brothers except for one is over thirty now. almost couldn't believe it. for various reasons.

maybe i'm going to say what i'm about to say because it'll just make me feel better. better about what i haven't acheived yet. better about how far i've come.

i'm every age. i'm ageless. at the beginning of this damn thing i felt old, mature, introspective, then sparks of anger and longing...

just got a text from sweet trust. he's landed. he's back home safely. now i just feel young and in love.

blessed. year round. everyday.

stop pretending

say what you want to say. do what you want to do. really do it. and have the fucking courage to take responsibility for the consequences.

and then enjoy a toast. to the new you.

which you might find, you were just waiting for your chance all along. you've been ready all along. you were barking up the wrong tree is all. you tried to pass your future off to someone else. you were hoping for someone else to validate you, stamp your passport and send you on your way.

it's all you. it's on you. so have the courage to create. fall on your face and get back up. stop numbing your self. stop pretending, stop avoiding. jump into that fear with your boxing gloves on and create a home for yourself. one that is not bound by location or geography. one that radiates from inside you and is always rooting for you.

might think what a selfish route. that's just an excuse. it's bullshit. you are the most selfless when you put your own oxygen mask on first. how then were you to assist others to breathe as freely as you do?

so cheers to punking the fear
side swiping that ticker tape of doubt
a toast to being a little more present
to you and i as we shout out an exhale
spoon feed a tear
clean ourselves up
put a little water in our cups
and bust a cap up in this bitch
and take that fucking risk
open the door
and walk through it
stop being such a pussy
stop making yourself crazy
invest in your own toes
see a light coming out of your chest
shake that ass
rock the boat
leave that little nest
fuck this comforting batch
and have a little more faith
take your own bait
cause you my friend, are a very good catch

because i had to

i was going to let this day pass without public mention.

these days i've replaced sleep with naps. but it wasn't too long ago when all i wanted to do was sleep. living in my dreams. having the conversations, interactions, fights and laughs i was unable to have while awake. i spent so much time sleeping while in that big apple. i spent a lot of time silent. maybe not my mouth. my tongue. but arianna aurora dolores basco siezed to exist. wanting no part of her own life. feeling obligated to stay alive.

it wasn't always this way. when i first moved there it was an excercise of getting out of my head. stop being so damn significant all of the fucking time. i never asked for any money from my parents when i fled the nest of california. they wouldn't have any anyways, and to ask them for some would only lead to additional family debt, but my mother would never show it. not to me. i didn't take that road. so i arrived. didn't give moving across the country too much thought. my head was so polluted at that point. i was mourning.

nevertheless, i picked myself up and worked my ass off. doing all that responsible adult shit. i was so busy and high off of the rush of the subways and the people and the food, i never really did take a good look at those twins. as a matter of fact, on this day four years ago, i didn't even know that the twin towers were referred to as the 'world trade center'. i never even noted the height of those buildings. i never took in the skyline. hell, i was a california girl just trying to catch up with myself, let alone look at some business buildings downtown.

this was one of those days i fell out of my head. i got a little closer to something. i put myself aside. i was beside myself. walking uptown. side by side with people who were having the same exact crisis as me. man. what a sight. had souls sworming around my body. crying. terrified.

to pay respect. exhale.

you know, we can turn on the tv and see a special report on a death somewhere. if we are engaging with the program, you can actually feel for that person. it might even change your life in some way.

but when the death counts are that of this day four years prior, the south last week, asia months ago and so on and so on---- man. it's like trying to read every book that was ever written. thousands and thousands... sounds so unpenetrable.

but when i think about all those people that i used to dream about in my state of depression. all of my family and friends that i so desparately needed i had to sleep to get them because i was just too damn far away. physically. mentally. when i think of those people. and then one day one of them being in the wrong place at the wrong time in a massive disaster. something begins to penetrate.

i'm not going into the politics of this today. politics are all around us anyway, we can talk about what an ass he is later. i don't want to be angry today. i'm not going through the details of my experience of that day. ask me sometime. probably won't tell it in fear of minimizing, cutting short the 'experience' if you will. that whole time period. the aftermath that these damn mathmaticians still can't find the damn formula for.

i have some faces in my mind right now. if i lost one of them to a devastation... i don't think you would want me to be angry. trust me, i want to be angry. i would be angry. i'm a little anger fucking fire ball. i want to scream at the world and bitch till i grow that ear that never quite made it. but nah. somewhere beyond the anger. maybe in the mourning of it. in the passing. i think you would want me to live and appreciate everyday. almost impossible task to be that optimistic everyday. but, okay, so at least today. make the best of today. make the best of yourself. change the world through starting with yourself. be proud of the life you live.

business as usual

business as usual, miss basco? says the man in sequins

while out of order nola went under, gas prices went climbing, my windshield got cracked and has since been replaced, new york keeps going, my face went swollen, my body met vicodin, many bodies went missing, soprano's still up at hawthorne sweeping, loyal moved in, my wife is still figuring it out, nasai's running around in circles, chuck's still asking for some red red wine to fill his cup, five dogs in the house, sweet trust out of town, ginger came home, shooot went on tour, georgia peaches are still sweet, iceland roams america, joe and cecilia are engaged, j went to his first wedding, benny and jonette called it quits for awhile, heather had another blood transfusion, cried on my pops shoulder, audge is closer to getting out, my brothers want a dinner, my ma still can’t sleep at night

and my neighbor just asked me:

Isn't it funny how the Republicans would move heaven and earth to try to keep one Brain Dead woman alive,

but won't hardly do shit to keep 10,000 people alive?

yes, i reply to the man in sequins while i smoke my first cigarette in a week.

business as usual for the whole lot of us, eh?

and just when the caterpillar thought it was the end, it became a butterfly… darion sent that to me some years ago now. call me a cheese, but somewhere, somehow, i still believe that hallmark bullshit