western ave

had a moment last month
and then directly proceeding that moment i had another
the very next day
imagine that

had one yesterday too...
and days in between a november waltz
and december defaults

but yet i choose to write in this one
capture this night
this couch
this snuggie

to be honest
to be frank
i feel like i'm mourning
everyday
although i go about my day
filling my cup
fulfilling my word
work, play, dinner
birthdays, holidays, loud smiles
and somewhere beyond the daily regimens
the 'life goes on'
the 'stick that chin up girl'
the 'stand up taller woman'
somewhere behind swallowing my pride
that trusty spoon full of sugar
i mourn

i mourn for being an idiot for a year
rebelling against my own integrity
raging against my personal dignity
i sock myself in the face
because I KNEW BETTER

and i'm sorry
i'm so sorry

i don't want you back western ave
not like that
you and i both know
that you and i existed on western ave
where things were simple
a bus ride and a bike ride got us everywhere we wanted to go
as far as we could go
our studio apartment with the bums outside
the paper towels on the fridge
our closet vocal booth
love under canopies
our tiny existence was enough
for that time
for that period
it was all enough

i'm not sorry we broke up
i am sorry i hurt you
us
i'm sorry i didn't give us time to heal
to support each other thru the next phase in our lives

seems, although i was the royal bitch in the situation,
you got the upper hand
you were the bigger man
stupid me
what was i thinking
you got a head start on me
i was... distracted

this is no excuse

i just want you to know
that i know
i was an asshole

and all that happened over the last year
i completely deserved
that's life again, knocking on my door
mirroring me back

so that's all
for now
i really did love you
i really do
always will

don't forget love
how much we fit love
don't forget love
how much i miss love

noodles

verse
if i had known
that it would be
the last time i held your hand
i would have stayed
just a touch longer

if i had known
that morning in bed
would be the finale
i was losing a part
of my family

prechorus
i would have ran my fingers
along your back once more
what the hell were we fighting for

chorus
bulls and cheap china don't
dance well together and
i can't eat noodles with
silver spoons rusted, i
drown in this puddle, my
life jacket busted, and you

know i tried
and i
i won't cry

verse
and in the car
your palm on my knee
your toothbrush beside mine
coffee kissed mornings
you sit on my feet

under the duvet
we wrestle, i win
all our routines
i would have froze
if i would have known
it was the last time

pre chorus
i would have ran my fingers
along your back once more
what the hell were we fighting for

chorus
bulls and cheap china don't
dance well together and
i can't eat noodles with
silver spoons rusted, i
drown in this puddle, my
life jacket busted, and you

know i tried
and i
i won't cry

bridge
don't forget love
how much we fit love
don't forget love
how much i miss love

ondoy revised

and the water that day
it flooded my street
saturated my town
swallowed my light
till all i could see was this intangible liquid
this unrelenting storm
and everything around me lost it's form

and the water that day
took all that i built
the symbols
that made me worth something
anything

and the water that day
i only asked for a little
enough to nurture my green
replenish my thirst
didn't ask to be submersed
but i can't control the water
all or nothing says the water

so it came and it soaked
it shook and it took
the stores that clothed me
the food that fed me
the corner shop that laughed with me
the movie house i went to to getaway
to get by
i wish i was a bird
i could fly fly away
and i wouldn't have to rely on these man made buildings
this economic geographic plan
i wouldn't have to stand in the middle of ruins
pay for mother nature's actions
i could just fly
just i and i

but what good would it do
just i as a bird
flying high above all the people that grew me
my soul's memories
running on dirt roads
high roads
the thrill of the city
the pollution and traffic
i would be homesick

flying high above it all
i and i watching it all fall

so the water that day
stole away my house
stole away my love
drenched my blouse
bruised my bones
left me with a dilapidated home

but the water that day
did not take these fingertips
the water that day
cannot take away this heart

so thank you dear water
for your unexpected visit
rain on me my fare weathered friend
but you do not reign this spirit
you do not reign this hope
so to you, dear water, i shall float

ondoy

and the water that day
it flooded my street
saturated my town
swallowed my light
till all i could see was this intangible liquid
this unrelenting storm
and everything around me lost it's form

and the water that day
took all that i built
the symbols
that made me worth something
anything

and the water that day
i only asked for a little
enough to nurture my green
replenish my thirst
but i can't control the water
all or nothing says the water

so the water that day
stole away my house
stole away my love
drenched my blouse
bruised my bones
left me with a dilapidated home

but the water that day
did not take these fingertips
the water that day
cannot take away this heart

so thank you dear water
for your unexpected visit
rain on me my fare weathered friend
but you do not reign this spirit
you do not reign this hope
so to you, dear water, i shall float

sunday

i sit in a place in between songs
cross- legged and obedient
bare foot and bare souled
fighting to save comfort
fighting to save myself

the lies swallowed me up
who knew it would be
somewhere in my deepest, i did
the perfect sabotage for a damaged spirit

and even in the end you have to control
not for yourself, but for me
but you don't get to do that


you're an idiot
i'm sitting here trying to be poetic, metaphorical
don't think, see
but all i see is a broken man
a man who measures his wealth and love by what he can provide
with money
with suffocating
with overwhelming
with false promises
lies
lies
lies

i knew someone like that once
she loved to cut off our feet
and expect us to walk

you remind me of her
one of the darkest parts of my life
and you
you are now a darkness in my life
and like her once upon a time
you don't even get it

i don't even want to be with this man forever
and he is telling me what i should do
yet i am doing what i think is best for him


it's sunday
oh holy day

for the wealthy

by being with you i'm learning who i'm not
i'm remembering all that i am now
and learning to receive
i am not your project
and i am not your experiment
nor your investment
or housewife

i will not jump when you say jump
or write when you say write
i will not wash or cook when you decide you're hungry
i will no longer be hurt by you
demeaned by you
you may not take my wings
you may not pull my strings

i will receive love
i will only receive love
a wealth of love

note to self

when a man loves a woman
great song

for turlz

receive she says
receive


i woke up this morning with the thought
what can i receive today


it's funny, we get so caught up in giving
it's true
too true
give all i got, give all i got
and in all that give i had forgotten how to receive
to surrender
to be open


i say i forgot, because although i didn't know it then
nor use this particular word
at one point in my life i did receive


i was a beginner
innocent
i was a beginner who had already lived...
but i let that go and received




and then time
oh time that trusty friend
time came and happened and fought with me
and screamed at me and cried with me
and laughed at me
with me, sometimes
and sometimes hurt me
and sometimes loved me



so in response to this ever changing ever steady time
i put up walls
things went out
and nothing came in

i see this now
so clear
so poignant


so receive
yes arianna receive
and breathe
deep


the deeper the intake
the greater the give



so thank you for your give
your gift
your blessings
and your belief


a mobius i hope
a mobius dear friend

tennis

red palms makes a girl stand back
stand aside
subside
hold on tight to the racket
get your feet in the right position
let that sun beam down and burn all those doubts
let the shade bring down that body temperature
let the movement be the cure
listen not to those silent voices
all those lack of choices
and just play the game

glide through and follow through
you can do it
you can do it
serve the truth without speaking
serve for yourself within the perimeters
never expect a return
just run accordingly
be prepared
and drink water
lots of water



then feel your heartbeat
race
racing with your own life
set a new pace for yourself
a new game
a new hope



because the game will change
that is the only promise
win or lose
it will change

bedtime for the kids

something new
something blue
something old
something to show for
something to be told

a story
some glory
some sorrys
wrapped up in a picture collage
some emotional mirage
something to hold for a while
something to wash wash away forever
something to be said for happily never after

something to be said for exhausting me
wringing me out
taking me in
swallowing my juice tonight
do me just right
tomorrow no more
tomorrow for sure
you and me
two peas
in your pod
now your ipod
a song to sing
something to remember
so close once
once upon a time
once upon a dime

i'm all outta change
and your face these days
looks kinda strange
like someone i may have known
your voice, like that blank dial tone
no getting thru
just something new
something blue
something old
something to show for
something told

some sorrys
some glory
some story


the end.

unsung melody

because i can't seem to come up with a melody
i've opted to write

it's my ever steady friend
the one that is always there at my fingertips
sometimes i choose clenched fists
sometimes nail polish
but in the end
these words always win me over

these combination of letters
sorting them out to make sense
maybe it's easier than sorting life
micro managing strife

so for now
let me hide behind these letters
they eventually reveal me
they eventually heal me


you know i see things in that visual electric box
dancers
performers
singers
and i think
i could never do that
i could never be that


i don't know what it is with me
guess it's time to grow again arianna
guess it's time to fall
to rise
to sway from side to side
and feel the sun a little bit
drink the rain
soak the pain
wring it out
scream the shout
lose it all
lose myself in a snow ball
catch me when i fall
please

no


let me melt
i'll unravel myself
hit the gravel
dust myself off
and do it all again


so let it begin

pantie dropper

[in response to listening to a new friend's song]

pantie. dropper.
so fucking beautiful.


is that you??!


it's the shit that creates tears.
makes you wanna do cartwheels.
hold on to something real.
feel.


sorry i'm a sap sometimes.


it makes you wanna pull out all those old dresses
the ones you felt so pretty in
or maybe not for you
but maybe those worn jeans
the ones you felt the besterest in..
is that how you put it?
yeah the besterest


it reminds me of alot of faces
some i've lost along the way
some right in front of me
it reminds me of specific things i love about people
like laughing
alot
loud smiles till dawn
swapping life joke type shit
wish i was more type shit
could this be really be happening type shit
just that one singular moment
i promise i won't ask for more
i promise
i swear
if i could just put you in my pocket forever


it reminds me of dropped panties somewhere
skirting on some moist pillow case
left behind with the rest of that summer


yeah.
good work sir.
i just lived a whole movie listening to that.

mustered up my last bit of energy to throw this at you

can't shake this sick
can't sort this trick
can't stop this tick
stop stop
i'm not your fucking shtick


i won't sit nice for you
i don't fit right like you
i'm gonna wrinkle my skirt
gonna roll in this dirt
shave my head
save my bed
lose all sleep
hit me here
in the knees
watch me bleed
you soul tease

got me screaming yes please


yes please
my shins as my feet
now walk, you say
my chin as your concrete
now talk, you pray
my sin your midnight treat
now shine, you bray


but you can't hear me
fucking lock jaw
another bar crawl
but how could you hear me from up there?
any narcissism to spare?
how's the air up in that space?
how could you hear me
when you're standing on my face?


fuck this mask
this 'managing' this 'treatment'
take your foot off my chest
take away this suppressed
shake off this sick
sort out this trick
rid rid this tick
spit spit on your shtick

bruise bruise
on that muscle in the middle of your chest

that was from me
throwing bricks as you smirked

checking if your heart still worked

saw dust storm

mulling over breakfast pizza
taking in a life already lived
a life yet to be lived
red rooster serenades my naked ear
saw dust on the ground
saw dust in this head
but just when i close my eyes


somewhere in the west village
some many years ago



today la is gray skies
holding on to me like a blankie
in an upstate house
but no snow here
nope, just holding hands with green



i just wanted to talk to you
like we did that one time
when i was on the couch
and you were in the car
when i lost my keys and you let me in
when you lost your way and i came to get you
when we were in the middle of it all



we are
i know
in the middle
always in the middle
exactly where we should be




mulling over breakfast pizza
holding hands with green
listening with this naked ear and clicking jaw
under gray la skies
with my eyes open

... maybe this time

this little space is my little secret

it feels fresh

new

but not at the same time

like eating brownies and milk

i had some last night

it was fresh

new

doughy and dense

but it brought me right back

to those little girl dreams

before

when i could do anything

be anything

dream

those days where the days ran on to the next

all wrapped up in a beautiful ribbon

a present

for me

everyday

that little girl

who wasn't bothered by those 'don'ts'

that 'you're never gonna be enough'

cheers to filling cups again

this time like before

this time like never before

let's laugh till drool drips out our noses

radiate like that sun shining on that little girl

give like brownies and milk

squeeze a great big warm hug

until our toes twinkle with delight

and we have no choice but to cut a rug

and sing

out loud

just like that little girl

exactly like that uninterrupted little girl and her dreams

finding me

to begin.
to begin we must always acknowledge where we've been.
so here's to the past.
the passing.

chapter

when you let it all go
those years of bleached summers
rainy mondays painted pink and purple
stumbling down the road drenched in red red wine
singing in turqouise
waking up the house with ballooned condoms
assymetrical cuts
getting down with the best of 'em
shaking a tail in living rooms
sweeping it all up
broom broom

vroom vroom
in the bathroom
sometimes making love
sometimes
crying
sometimes shaving

shaving off yesterday
letting it all go
to the bone
to really see
really
see

be

naked



i never knew about that little scar on the back of my head
where hair doesn't grow
gonna ask my mom and dad about that one


i feel a little lighter
a little taller
a little buzzed



sometimes you gotta let go
to let it grow again


i miss you already.
i've been missing you.

children of the night

tonight i did a poetry workshop with my brother.


it was intense.
it was amazing.


... and at the end each kid thanked me, hugged me.

i hugged back.


and said thank YOU.



it ain't a contest.
it's never a contest.



but i was just grateful to be there tonight.
and was honored.
that they let
me
in.




it was kinda funny.
the rules....
nothing personal..
don't share anything personal..
segway segway segway if they bring up anthing personal..


but of course,
this is poetry.
what else is there than getting personal.
and boy did they ever.
challenged me.
to dig more.
be more.

live more.


because i can.
and so can they.

as they did.




as they do.




no excuses.

live it.
breathe it.
change.



it's an incredible thing to witness.




childrenofthenight.org

long me

it turns out i've forgotten how
to love and write
to cry and miss
to long for something so long it hurts
to fuck up my skirt

to remember to fall a bit in order to fly
i want to remember
those forever days
those then days
those once upon a time

i want to dive into new days
with fists and fury
new feet and wings
sing
a lot

so point me now fingers
point as you've done in the past
point to those better days
point to something to hold for awhile

... enter the new year

you know what the problem is
i'm not enough
loathing in self doubt
self loss
of days lived and days yet to come

you know what the problem is
i don't make enough money
i don't have enough hope
i can't make sense of it all

you know what the problem is
i'm a selfish bitch
and it takes alot of effort to be that

you know what the problem is
i hurt him real bad
and i will hurt him real bad

you know what the problem is
i have to start over every time
and every time i have to re explain myself
re justify all the fucked up choices
reassess the fucked up consequences

you know what the problem is
i'm chubby
and i don't know what the fuck talent is

you know what the problem is
i don't know how to get to that next level
i don't know how to make everything ok


you know what the problem is
i don't think the mirrors are on my side anymore
and i am losing myself

you know what the problem is
i miss you
and that night over dominoes


you know what the problem is
i am wasting my time here
and i am just waiting to die

you know what the problem is
i am inadequate and can't find a reason to wake up everyday

you know what the problem is
i don't remember who i am
but i can't forget either

you know what the problem is
i'm a shit problem solver
always was
i just bluffed pretty well

you know what the problem is
i can't be anyone else
i'm stuck in this skin, in this body, in this life

you know what the problem is
i find it hard to move on and keep going
i'm giving up a little more and more each day

you know what the problem is
i'm just not sure if there is a point to all of this

you know what the problem is
i write this self destruction faster than i can write love

you know what the problem is
i have no purpose