this fisherman's rant

they say give a man a fish and he eats for a day
teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime

i have no merit in which to teach nor preach
the only thing in which i seek is to become a better version of me
the best, actually, that i could possibly be


that being said, i would like to apologize
for my insinuation



earlier today i recited 'soil from his fingertips' [www.youtube.com/ladybasco]
to a dear friend of mine
his response was very unusual

the first thing he said was: you wrote a poem about yourself

the second thing he said was: i feel there is a disconnect in it
and not in the words but in the context of them
its as if in the repetition of the 'next boyfriend' mantra you are actually stepping away from the fishing pole and giving away fish almost like you're avoiding confronting the acknowledgement of your own epic process of casting and reeling
because if you were to truly understand your piece then you would know
that you're really searching for yourself
and not just in a love partner
but in every relationship
and, further, if you were to truly be honest with yourself

you already have that

so why then, arianna, would you put on the veneer of this blueprint of a 'next boyfriend'
thus disconnecting yourself from your own ability to fish
why position yourself in such a way that you are 'seeking'
step back and realize that you are truly fishing
you are, as you already know, a fisherman




this is a thank you for holding me accountable to my own personal growth as an artist, a student, and a human.

i am a woman
i will find you in those moments of disparity
and see a light coming out of your ass anyway
i understand
that the heart, sometimes, it weeps
that sometimes the world gets a little too heavy for one soul to keep
i write songs
trapping words in melodies
rearranging letters forcing your lung to breathe
i find truth in your tongue and i water it
create soil from my fingertips
i love life
and you in it
right beside me holding up my back bone
holding up my own
i know a thing or two about sweet nothings
building upon natural blessings
i will hold you like the night holds a shadow
the sidewalk nurtures a crack
i will kiss you like the bush belongs to the vine
fitting so perfectly like your favorite cardigan
and i'll know the right thing to say when it gets hard again
when you're finding it oh so hard to start again
i'll just reflect your smile- that's where it all begins
i am forever days
ain't feeling so great days
when you can't go on i'll be there reminding you where your knees are days
i will dance
groove with you, spit talking, booty shaking, melody rocking
let me get into your pants
but not disrespectful like
in fact
exactly the opposite
i respect you so much like
more than words like
so i gotta show you with my entire body like
i am a poem
i'll swim around in your denim
i like things like coffee, and hikes
i love things like sitting in a room with unfamiliar faces
i ponder things like, where are we from, where are we going
i'll make you laugh outrageous
i am brave
wear my heart on his lips
tattoo you on my hips
i love food and culture
hopes and dreams
not yet a baller
but i don't pay much attention to things you can buy anyway
i just try
to be the best person i can be
see a little light from inside
i love kids
someday our kids
innately knowing the difference between being a mother and a mom
my mouth will melt away all the noise
i will bring you home
you and me on our throne
i be your queen and you my king
i am the difference between
material things versus these life strings
cause i already lived a life
then i found you
and you and i
well we just are
glowing like the brightest night stars
and in the day we bring out the sun
with those mirrors in the middle of our chest
outshining that damn ego consciousness finally putting it to rest
i am courageous
even when i sometimes cry
stumbling upon the simple beauties of life
gets me every time
the stuff that makes pride

i stand
and feel
i am not ashamed
to change
to evolve
to be real
i am free
this is truth
and through my freedom
i choose you

cooly

because we deserve documentation.
a note. something.


no regrets.
true story.


let your new life begin yo.
i'm so happy for you.
truly truly. you are wonderful.
you know how highly i think of you.


i took mental pics of your space tonight.
don't think i will be there again for awhile.


i appreciate all the time we've spent with one another.
and i'm glad i got to witness some of your growth.
think i caught the tail end of those anchors you're shedding.
i would like to participate in your new journey as much as i can.


you were right to set those feelings aside.
i was wrong to have brought up my vulnerability. even per your request.
i know better.
i apologize.


nevertheless. it was beautiful.
thank you.


i hope we can continue to be a well of support for each other.
and i hope you find a woman that will love and honor every single atom that makes you.
moreover, i hope you love and honor every single atom that makes you.


this too shall pass.
and yes.
this too shall grow.


much love to you world record cooly.

seeds

and so it is
you and i sir, somehow we managed to find something worth holding onto
and last night we held each other
-not just with words and concepts our spirits have been clinging to
odd hours of morning and star kissed evenings
constructing and destructing new road ways to the soul
to actualizing dreams and hopes
believing in one another, hence leading to the belief in one's self
-no
last night we reached for each other with hands and lips
on inner thighs and neck lines
fingertips ran across skin over that muscle in the middle of your chest
as if to ask your heart to dance with me for a little while
our palms caressed each other's palms as slumber came to visit our heavy eyelids
and wrapped in your arms... there was no other place i wanted to be
even if it was on a couch in an apartment once sparse
but then brimming with these almond eyes visions
of mannequins and furniture and drums and lights
computers and projectors, tarps and paint
your beautiful face so very close to mine
whispering sweet everythings in my ear while i try to avoid your mouth
so south you move with your tongue and those willing eyes
reading the lines between my legs
and she soaks without you touching her

... and then you did

connection made love over cloth and just the merest bit of your fingertip entered my temple
and that was enough for me to moan sensations into your dreads setting me into a prayer
of please don't stop
because your hands felt like they were supposed to fit on my body and every move along my back
and along my leg felt safe like you knew that was how you were supposed to touch me
yet spontaneous like you were just learning how to
like you'd never touched a woman before
your hands clean and virginal feeling every sensation of every crevice the length of my twenty-nine years
and those humble lashes falling upon my face
i draw my fingers across your brow hugging your doubt and facing this risk with you
and with an exhale i say 'this too shall pass'
and with an inhale you say 'this too shall grow'

so i sit and i write these words now
out of order, just feeling it in the moment
and i still smell you on my skin as i brave this new day

touching a man so deep without actually touching him
taking that rocket ship to bliss without even boarding the rocket
wow
what an awe-filled trip

january heart

i know you don't want to hear the apology
but please listen anyway

i'm sorry
that was a very selfish route for me to take tonight
it's just that--
in a moment sometimes
when your collar bone is close to my chest and you're whispering sweet everythings in my ear
my cheek has an urge to lean into your neck to feel you that much more
or when our eyes lock--
because an epiphany is occurring in real time
or because we can't stop looking at each other
or because vulnerability is at the edge of that cliff and we're not sure if the other is actually gonna leap
and if i did leap
would i be leaping alone

i'm sorry that i am so vulgar at times
sometimes its guttural, it's raw, it's me
and sometimes it's a disclaimer because i don't trust that the words are enough
kinda like emoticons, the ultimate defaults

i'm sorry that sometimes when we hug
i want to stay there longer just to feel your heart in my palms
through your clothes and your backbone, your rib cage through your shoulder blades
feel it beat into my veins and carry me to another majestic dawn breaking day

i'm sorry that i wanna hold all your wounds and bear them on my skin
just so you can feel what it's really like to have the sun kiss you

or take that heavy off your 6'4 chin so you can look up for once
really look in that mirror straight on without the anchors of yesterdays weights
the fleetiness of tomorrows not yet come
and just see the beautiful being you already are

i'm sorry because i'm mentioning any of this
because you and i both know, this too shall pass
but if i were to be honest
and honor our establishment
then it would be wrong of me to bite my tongue

i'm sorry because i have these selfish thoughts sometimes
you and i agreed to be friends
and that we are
so for all this rambling...
i will let it all go
get back to that space of muses and high spirits
that place where this man and this woman simply exist



and for the record
it was you, not i, who said no apologies in 2011

i do apologize when i'm wrong
and i was wrong to impose my vulnerability, or lack of, on you this evening

and to be clear
yes. i am vulnerable.
and yes. our friendship seems to require vulnerability.
i think i jumped on the defense because i was feeling not just vulnerability with you, but began feeling vulnerability towards you.

shake it off.

shift. in. perception.


good morning beautiful.

the walls that hold me

tiles and leather couches
i wonder when the bought this couch if they knew all the happenings to come
or ordered this particular tile
it was probably an economical choice
not a choice of sentiment
no one knew the spirits that would walk on this tile
the souls that would share on this couch

makes me think... it's all good
not every choice has to be so significant
but in it's insignificance it is significant
trippy how that works

feels like my life is filling with new territory
i'm being challenged to really listen to myself
believe in my mirrors
and apply
it's a new phenomenon
the rate in which i expand these days
breathing into the hearts of the people that surround me everywhere i go
the most beautiful exchange
the fairest exchange

so even though these tangible things were chosen for no particular reason at all
other than the practical purpose it serves
bless it
it's all meant to be

outcastes

so i was asked by my girl rush to write a piece about social consciousness
and i didn't write it
didn't want to write it
talked to my boy real8 about it last night and he was like, whattchya gonna do? wing it?
naww... it's not about winging it
its about not wanting to confront it

to be socially conscious requires awareness of society and one's place amongst that society
yeah... didn't really want to see that
because i'm at a place in my life where i want to feel good
i believe in energies and shit, don't wanna give power to things that make me feel inadequate
i so wanna believe in
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger
when a door closes a window opens
i wasn't born to fit in, i was born to stand out

but is that true?
or is it just some new age concept made up to make a wounded heart feel like they have purpose
feel like they belong some where, even if that somewhere is the minority, the underground, the organic, the weird, the rebel, the however we wrap up being different, smack a big bow on it and call all those things that set us apart- a gift


i watched the sun yesterday morning scooting up over the la skyline trying to get closer to the pink of the clouds
and thought how majestic it was

i don't want to hurt
my awakening to society was and still is, on somedays, a very painful experience
what does 'not belonging' look like

it looks like living in a town where i wasn't black and i wasn't latin
so for all my filipino i was punished 6 girls against 1
and as for my filipino, being scoffed at by the 'real' filipinos that spoke our native tongue
and then i find myself in a predominantly white high school with the 'all american kids' and i don't quite fit that status quo either
it looks like endless sundays 14 years strong
skipping the school ball games and saturday night parties
because i was studying to be an actor, a real artist
but that 14 years strong earned me, not a career, but a broken family
a bit of a broken spirit
earned me a new consciousness of fear and doubt that i have to fight everyday
it looks like standing in the middle of the circus and denouncing the emperor's new clothes and being thrown out
or seeing sadness in your parents eyes because you are just one child and not 5
or being the outcaste from a society you thought was your family
looks like aisle's of pictures sorted by alphabet while an old man gets his fix from this 7 year old body
and in some sick way- made me feel special, like for the first time in my life, i belonged
it looks like being born with one ear, half deaf
like when i'm talking to someone and they don't look at my eyes
because they can't help themselves, they just continue to have a conversation with the atrocity on the side of my head
looks like working harder to listen, to really listen
looks like being told you are not enough, you will never be enough
and getting up the next day anyways
it looks like being brought up in an industry based on the way you look
and they're not really looking for your kind
or singing songs over and over again to get it right
cause you hear in mono and the slightest shift of your head creates a different tone
it looks like the downfall of normality
all the societies that didn't want me

and how ultimately it grew me
realizing that even though i may have missed out on some culture because i never learned tagalog
or being stuck in a cult for half my life dedicating myself to a society that would eventually abandon me
trying to be one of the boys when my brother's really didn't want me
and knowing i'm one ear away from a silent world
i'll do my best anyway
cause i'd like to think, that's what we're all doing
doing our best
and that belonging is over rated as a whole
but in those quiet moments
between two people, those genuine ones
you might find in a handshake, in a hug, in a sunrise coming up over the la skyline
we're all outcastes and for that
we do, in those quaint moments, we do belong. to each other.

battery life

this is what's real
i got 48% battery on my computer
and it feels about 48 degrees in my room right now
what's real is that i'm so filled with light that this cold don't even bother me
this shine is telling me i'm good, i can weather this low temperature
what's real are miracles
and miracles are simply a change in perception
what's real is that i choose love
i choose to live in love
like forgiveness is to embrace another person for all that they are today
and not who we think they should be or where we think they could be
but to grant another person their beingness
and as i want to be comfortable in my own skin
is how i must allow other's to be comfortable in their skin
so when i choose to live in love
there is no reciprocation, expectation
it is faith
that i am love
i am light
and by fully being present in that
the right people will show up
and they do
every time
i got 46% battery and i ain't done yet
that's real
sometimes things don't turn out how we think it should
true story
or perhaps it really turned out unexpectedly well
its just not yet apparent what for
see cause i gotta believe every yes is on time
as every no is right on time too

what's real is that i am in love
what's real is that homeless lady on 4th st high on god knows what
what's real is her saying no one loves me
what's real is him saying you know that's not true
what's real is him saying i love you
what's real is when he opened his arms and she wept as she leaned in to the cradle
what's real is that they were both changed

what's real is word swapping under this los angeles night sky
sharing space on concrete while tongue tapping over expired parking meters
what's real is 44% battery life
and letting go of yesterdays strife
yeah, really realizing those chips on my shoulder are just chips
and right now, today, if i want to
i really can make those chips any flavor i want
bbq, sour cream and onion, jalepeno
hell- make it a motherfucking sampler platter of chips
reach over, remove them from my shoulder, and eat them
and magically, miraculously, they seize to exist
shift in perception
so simple

so shut the fuck up ego conscience
and speak up louder and shine brighter soul conscience
carry me safely and valiantly into my tomorrow
twinkle twinkle sparkle sparkle
i will
i am
i do
not for me
but for everyone who believes me
that's what's real

3:22 am 1.11.11 42%

slave to my heart

how do i take this sad song and make it better
make all these thoughts of you wither
you're such a fucking liar

i'm so tired

words fail me

i don't know what to take of this new year
almost afraid of this keyboard, for fear of what i might put out in the universe
so for now, just for now, i'm gonna go work on something else
i'm feeling too honest for my own good
too pained to write the truth---
guess that's when i really should be writing
but i can't yo
i really can't

1.1.11 make a wish.

presently.

when i look back on this day.
i will remember, mostly

you. are.
we. are.








... but meanwhile.