cello notes

like the touch of my fingertips
wet from sadness
wet from the old day passing and the new coming in
right over the horizon
wipe away these little tears
say good bye to what you knew
and jump
the universe got me now
no safety net required
i can trust now
release the jaw
let go

the cello may be one of the most beautiful sounds
sure is good company for me in my silence

i inhale again
and i just wanted to note
i feel it
it's all changing now
the shift
take me with you

pushing buttons

my niece is wide awake
like her auntie na na
a night owl
a dream howl

my bro and sis in law don't sleep much these days either
all i can do is document
my hands are too smokey
my heart too heavy to hold all their tears
now my nephew is crying
the house is up

and tired

sleeping in shifts
someday that will be me
someday in this decade

babies
they're pretty awesome
in a frustrating way
frustrating cause they don't sleep sometimes
they don't behave
they possess an innocence we only understand when...
well now
what we wouldn't give to be pure again
taken care of, hand and foot

i guess we go through that again towards the end
my grandfather...
i get to see him in a couple days
he kinda requires the care of a baby these days
maybe it's all a cycle

maybe this isn't a poem

just roaming thoughts
counting sheep, blessings, and lessons
it's too early for all these words
it's too late to be hovered over this keyboard
so i guess i'll give it a rest now

just wanted to say
i'm really looking forward to this decade
this life
old, new, and everything in between
i'm just really happy to have the honor to participate
that's all
just to be here

the way mornings should be

makes me want to write
scratch something down
document this quaint
for no reason at all
for my porcupine head
my scattered thoughts
me be moistened
changed by this little rainfall


push me to remember
move me to rearrange this alphabet
make new patterens like born- me- new
hug- me- too
press me sweet
melodies for treats

reposition the past to see it a little different
lay down your swords
your weapons your armor
expose my core
cause that's all i got now

and somewhere in it all
in all this rearranging of letters
this has got to be enough

suffice
cause all we get is this splice
this one life
so we build
create
hydrate

our souls communicate in such beautiful ways

in this moment
i find myself in the silent space
the pause between your notes
bring me present
carry me home
wish the tracks were a little longer
hold me a little tighter
wanna hit repeat over and over
reside in this measure
just for a moment
peel me off this pavement
digging deeper than this skin
can't help myself
push play again

write it off

i'm so hungry but i can't seem to eat
what is that about?
my nephew is awesome
one of the cutest kids i know

bald and gray
she told me some of the secrets of life
she's only 31
what an amazing heart
i wanted to hug her a little longer
wanted her to rub off on me
somehow hold on to her constant state of life

lost at poker tonight
had some bad cards
some bad vibes
stupid text messages
words can be such knives at times
just want to be done with that part of my life
done and done

so i look around
and see love
all love
these beautiful faces i get to spend my life with
that's pretty incredible

think i feel a smile coming on
i can't help myself
despite this hunger
this frustration
this pain
i'm happy

my last buddha lesson

i remember so well the evening you found out about him

sitting there

broken hearted

all betrayed

i remember trying to explain to you, i didn't betray you

i chose you

but you weren't hearing it

none of it

you said

you were trying to sort it in your head

because if it ever happened again then you would be the donkey

your pride was so hurt

and i was hurt for you

and i apologized that i hurt you

but you kept on keeping on about the donkey thing

so finally i responded

you got two ex- wives and 3 kids

now what do you think i'd be if i was the third ex- wife with an abandoned kid?

a donkey

or maybe not even that far

i was just yet another woman you left?

disregarded with some kinda debt leftover...

for some it's kids, some it's money, emotional, mental

what if you did that to me

and instead of pay me

whether it be by decency or money or both

you drank it away

numb

you said something very you and arrogant, like 'leave me then'

no room for discussion

it was then that it was clear to me that we may never have another conversation

just you spitting out hurtful whips

and i having to take it like a big girl

you had already began the pull away

while you were looking for your escape route by belittling me

going back on every promise you ever told me

'you were gonna marry me one day'

'i was your number one'

'what's mine is yours'

'you're my life'

'no matter what'

'... i would never...'

i caught on to the lie

even the 'unconditional' part

and i never intended to give you those things anyway

never ever

as you say 'i'm smarter than that'

so then came the next phase

you detached

me, always fighting for something i never really inevitably wanted

what i did want was for you to be loved

to hug you once and awhile

hug your kids

embrace you for you

not the man you think you are because you drive a nice car

but the man beneath all the 'donkey calling' and the 'bonafide labeling'

the man that knows the the difference between being a father and a dad

the man that wants to be better

make the world a little brighter

that's the man i wanted by my side

not even as a lover, as a friend

see, cause i never wanted to marry you, never said i did

never wanted to bear your children

perhaps you knew that

perhaps you understood that somewhere beneath the thick of your ego

regardless...

here we are

you in a home i helped build

i, homeless

and you think i think i got the short end of the stick

i just have to document this for my own personal inventory

i no longer have to compromise my integrity for a broken alcoholic man

i no longer have to endure the financial stress of a gambler

my mental health threatened by your backwards ways of thinking

using too frequently the words to describe your behavior towards me as 'challenging' or passionate'

when in actuality it was abusive and demeaning

my emotional being intact now no longer tampered with causing me hives, emergency rooms, and stiff jaws

now, being removed from you, i am reminded of blessings and the little things in life that make it worth living

remember that money, alcohol, and plasma tvs do not not make for success

happiness

true company

i am reminded of where i'm from

a little hood, a little indie, and a whole lotta love

laughter

music

joy

i was brought up with values

and instilled in me was the strength of accountability

responsibility

and compassion

and although i have no physical home at the moment

i find shelter in the life that i've built thus far

the life of dignity, honor, and respect

and that is where i find my home

where my home always is and forever will be

no matter what form it comes in, a couch, a cup of joe, a mansion, a humble house in downey

my home is amongst my people

so see, i guess on the surface

if you were to equate tangible material things with success

then i am the donkey

and if i am

i'm the prettiest and luckiest

and i guess i've always been

because nothing has changed really for me

just a little environment

which is ever changing

but what is constant

is my back bone

my reliability

my word

to always be my best

do the right thing

be true

and in turn life gifts me with

the most

amazing

people

amazing

so yes, i will wear donkey well

because to you, no one is good enough

i accept that

and i also pity you a little bit

you're just a kid trapped in a man's body who needed a little more 'i love yous' growing up

and to think, you were always trying to teach me a thing or two about love

about friendship

about family

and i listened respectfully and considerately

to the man who lacks in all of those things

you won your prized donkey

and when you got her

and you were done with her

because your pride was hurt

because she wouldn't jump when you said jump

or heel when you said heel

you wanted to be rid of her

hence an escape route

i was looking for mine too

i was just doing it with love

you were doing it with back handed comments and below the belt jabs

i was doing it by communicating truth to my mirrors

to you

discussing changes

trying to find an amicable place where you and i could exist

but in your book, someone is always the donkey

and you've made it perfectly clear to me that you will not stand for being that

so you win

i be the donkey

you be buddha

you be 'i told you so'

you be 'i knew it'

and i be grateful to learn it

and all i can really say to you

is i love you

and good luck

the best part of magic

wash me clean
from those anchors of issues
abandonment and self imprisonment
hearts on an empty pavement

there's no jabbing here
no ripping out of memories
painting something new
it's all part of the canvas
all of it

so i take it like a big girl
blow by blow
gift by gift
bring it all
i see it all

like the most beautiful landscape
the best soundtrack
you be part of me
all part of the heal
to know we still feel
we deal

get through
find that greater truth
see me see you
this ain't a fluke
make no mistake
we were meant to be
you and me
just another part of the journey
just another chapter in the story

help each other get stronger
be better
we got greater purpose than living under the same roof
poof

we humans
we hearts
and we are not alone
we do have each other
we always have each other
don't you see?
can't you hear?
i'm talking to the ear within your ear
and the message is simple
i love you
unconditionally

wash me clean
of all these...
things
wash me clean
of these weightless things
and fill me with substance
light, truth, and you

decade me

just got off the phone with loyal
she has definitely lived up to her name

she just bought her own place
what a way to start off this decade
amazing
i heart her

we were discussing the facts about this new decade
while intermittently revisiting some highlights of the last
even if they were quiet quaint highlights
they are still ours
they belong to us

turns out this next ten years will most likely serve up our careers
serve up our children
a possible spouse or two
we decided that every year will be monumental
hell, there's only 10 in a decade
so 10, at least,
monumental happenings

almond eyes starts her's off being homeless
loyal starts her's finding a place to call home
what an exciting unfolding

so cheers to the last decade
and to the next--
bring it

microwavable truth

microwaved mac n cheese
not too long ago i had a kitchen
and i would cook
alot
my father installed the pot rack
left it there in the move

took a road trip with my brothers for the holiday
took some pictures
gotta figure out my new camera
'you've got a friend' came out of the speakers
it became a typical basco sing a long

open road
me and my brothers... faces i thought would never be part of my life again
i remember taking this trip before, listening to this song
by myself... searching for myself in the absence of them
and this same trip with friends
with my dogs
with my parents
... all these picture shows are playing in my head
and then she sings:
'Hey, ain't it good to know that you've got a friend?
People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.'


People can be so cold.
They'll hurt you and desert you.
Well they'll take your soul if you let them.
Oh yeah, but don't you let them.

tears
i was driving
having a happy karaoke moment
with the best guys in the world
and this shot of emotion hit me right there on the 5 north

i let him take my soul a little bit
i let him in
he hurt me
desert me

little sad



that may have been the last christmas for my grandpa
think i'll be taking another road trip soon to say my good bye
life ain't worth wastin on people who want to hurt you
even if they don't mean to, they don't know any better
it still ain't worth it
that's what grandpa's teaching me now
life's too short
spend it with people who celebrate you
not degrade you
people who rejoice in your magnificence
not shut you down
be the change you wish to see in the world
in your world
and in turn
you will find peace

and when it gets rough
get in the car and listen to your friends
your people
your song
they surround you


i miss my kitchen
i really do
but i missed myself more

choo choo!

examining this trusty keyboard
i wait for any distraction
avoiding interactions
with life
yet, like this keyboard, ever present
so too is my life

i'm mustering up any ounce of diversion
getting lost in purposeless calculations
-text messages, emails, status updates
-it's cold in here, fucking dog pissed again
-gotta go to the bathroom, gotta fuck, gotta be alone
-i'm thirsty, time for another cigarette
anything to not press down on these buttons and write

i've been changed
my rib cages are closing in
holding on to the remainings of self
checking all the bruises below my belt
finding my true skin under where hives swelled
reunited with dignity
where my heart dwells

see, the problem wasn't you darlin'
it was never you
you are who you are
you are where you are
i was just on the wrong train

never again

life is so much easier when you know what you want

it's amazing, we find the most incredulous courage
to make things work that we know innately we don't inevitably want
wrong train, but since we're here, might as well do some interior decorating
'life throws you lemons, make lemonade' right?
fuck that
what if i don't want lemonade
what if i don't accept lemons
what if i'm allergic to citrus

the problem herein lies, is that i did accept lemons
now i realize
really really
i don't have to
i can say no
pass on train, pass on
i'm not making lemonade today
nope
not ever
again

so sue me
call me close- minded
call me stubborn
chuck it up to my zodiac sign or some shit
my sun rising and my moon in saturn
make me wrong, make me right
i don't really give a damn

cause when i'm amongst my people
there is no need for armor
so when i say pass on train, pass on
go ahead tell me i have a wall up
i'm damaged
i got issues
whatever will make you happy
i'm not protecting myself from you
don't flatter yourself
i don't need you to love me
i don't need you to fix me
i was never broken
i'm not your project

so take your opinion
and share it with your people
stop trying to recruit me into places i don't belong
and i am more than ok with not belonging
i would much rather not belong than be amongst people who don't get me
pass on train, pass on

no more boxing gloves
no more lemonade
no more listening to your theories of why my rib cages are not open for you
no more explanations of why we can or can not work
no more you
pass on train, pass on