shut it all out and isolate for awhile

my new year began with tears
what right do i have to bow to emotion
sqwat on these stupid frustrations
my new year began with tears

birthday at hotel cafe

don't know if i'll be ringing it in at my parents house.
would be fun though.
maybe.


don't know if i'll ever feel like i did that one day.
that moment when you and i were so close.
perhaps.


don't know where i'll be next week, five years, or ten.
if i'll ever really feel comfortable in my own skin.
possibly.


don't know if we'll get passed it all and finally hold hands.
if each eye- twinkled ends in the instant it begins.
probably.



i do know that faces come and they go.
flickering through my life at least.
and it's always nice when they stay awhile.



i do know some of the very best dreams come true.
some of the terribly worst too.
but i'd rather have 'em, then have none at all.



i know that people are busy.
such busy bodies.
i know that a body gets tired.
busy being tired.
i know something about days when you can't get out of bed.
life too heavy and full of nothing, unable to lift your head.
something about being so elated and frustrated cause you wish you could fly.
or feeling nothing no matter how hard you tried.
something about forever days.
about never days.



so this year...
while i'm still here
spitting words
writing something down
trying to feel
it would be nice to see you again.



maybe a latter party to follow.
but as of now, just hotel cafe on friday.
hey.
it's okay.
for us, there will always be a way.

birth rights

dear mom,


so many superstars
in their big flashy super cars
trying to get their gold bars in batches
set the precedent for the masses
changing the world with their words
controlling trends like the dishware in their cupboards
priding themselves in being an anomaly
always some unused toys in the pantry

ma i just want to hold close my dear brothers
remind them they matter
somehow make the earth a little better
do good by my father
try not to falter
do my best
and may i be blessed
to someday have my own
and one day be able to say, 'my have you grown'


but now mom, i'm getting a little worried
with the arrival of this cyclone
and all these typhoons
i'm only now seeing your battle wounds
how quickly we slap the hand that holds the spoon
when a paycheck dictates what is truth
when we fight a war that can never be won
going after terror is like trying to stop the sun
unless it never really was terror
perhaps our consumer fervor
the life maintenance of an american peddler
the melted wishes of a swiss alp
the breaking off of an arctic ice cap
a presidential election looked over as a mishap
being judged by the way you rock your baseball cap
finding myself at a club just wanting to dance, instead swindled onto a hard- ons lap
in a social trap
mistaking pretty for sex
wearing cleavage as an effect
throwing out bait hoping for nothing
thinking temptation will lead to some loving


but it never does


so on we consume
exploiting our own minds
searching for that perfect buzz
whether it be through politics
or our drunken drugged antics
our social polemics
we always find ourselves in the same predicaments
wannabe anomolies
social anti- social socialites
looking down at the next guy like it was our birth right
each one of us too damn significant for our own good
ego driven industrial soldiers
climbing up these capitalist boulders
doing what we're told
believing what they tell us
and i'm racking my brain trying not to get caught up in blame
but i'm so ashamed and i can't help but think that i had some part in all these hurricanes
buying into these superstars with their super cars
hopefully maybe rub shoulders at some over crowded hollywood bar
...apparently it seems they're encouraging a better tomorrow
when they're actually setting us up for our latter sorrow
enforcing our right to vote
expecting us to read all the literature they wrote
and when we fail to do so
cause we're more interested in voting for the next american idol
buying rifles, feeling stifled
our futures in a kettle, muffled
stuck in a puzzle
cause we're distracted by the new hummer
the new diet to prepare us for summer

keeping us in an advertisement head lock
come the day to check the box
we opt not to
mostly cause they taught us not to
it's almost like that was the intention in the first place
let's put the people in retention of oversaturation and reflection
let them be the blame for all this disgrace
even though they were the ones strategically selling us those toys for our pantry in the first place
suggesting those trends for our cupboards
taking us on an upward high only to leave us feeling kinda like a bastard


but ma
somewhere in my hearts of hearts
i know this isn't true
and i just wanted to tell you
i'm sorry
and i thank you
for giving me a curfew
spanking me when i out- stepped my values
i hope it's not too late to prove to you i can be like you
be of you
cause i am you
and those days i rebelled
i didn't mean to hurt you
and the choices to live beyond my needs
has got me now on my knees
please
don't take away my home
i'm not asking you to condone my actions
or those of my fellow brothers and sisters
just asking you to acknowledge
i hear you
roaring through these typhoons
raging through a cyclone
and i am listening
even if i'm listening alone

falling in

i wish i knew
all the words by memory
all the memories that made me
the forgotten dreams
and all there meanings
somehow make your wish come true



awkward moments of touching
sometimes
touching eyes and grazing skin
someday, won't you share with me
all that's kept within?




your mouth, at times, while your speaking
i want to eat every sarcastic word
take a bite into something taboo
so innocent
don't you see
were you not aware how i undold in fron of you
lacing my longing with a smile
long pauses
before responding
just my style



my lashes bat for you
don't you understand
how much i want you to be my man

when our fingers never touched

i want to write without any corrections
just wanted to spell some things wrong
test myself to see how many mistakes i can really make
sit alone and look out my kitchen window
think about you
write you
eat you
imagine that kiss
again
over and over
the kiss that never happened
the kiss only aspiring to be more


i wonder if anyone sees me
like i see them
through this glass window
so clear
so unprotected



my eyelashes sit on top of la tonight
and i'm alone
it's alright i tell myself
it's alright



i want everything put away
only blank pages and ink filled pens
aspiring to be more
being more

annoying, i know

but it would be awfully nice if you could come.
and repost if you're so inclined to do so.


to be honest.
it's been a pretty gigantic week.
in my life anyway.








i just typed and deleted things about a dozen times.




and i guess all i want to say is...
i don't know.
all these everyday things i thought were in the way..
bills
fights
couches
kissing
hitting
spending time
not spending time
cleaning
errands
etc

they were never in the way.
they're all part of the way.







so..
if you can make it tomorrow. cool.
if you can't. totally get it.
we all do what we can, i know. =)
but i'd love to see you.