taking a stroll on water

i'm feeling the weight of change and a chapter's end
a cliffhanger for anticipated continuation
i'm feeling blank proclamations
new bathroom sinks, new apartment walls
lying under a canopy, no longer in brooklyn
looking over courtyards that remind me of brazil
i close my eyes and i'm on top of mount fuji with a prayer
in the philippines with auntie nita
have a pillow between my legs in place of him
a poster in place of her

rain falls on long beach today and i'm in it
you wanna talk life?
let's talk bills and love songs
let's talk hospital rooms and last breaths
let's talk about missing the holidays, being a bird and flying away
kissing today and never tomorrow

scratch your head harder
think on it a little longer
write about it and dream
change the answers
i think its working

i misplaced my keys
have you seen them?

i'm rubbing my cheeks with my green tea hands
letting go of 525,600 minutes while listening to a playlist called rest your head
and i plan to
rest. my. head.

stop pretending

it's you
you know it is

we write our own books
the ink is in our actions
the thoughts are between the lines
the delicates of hello
the numb tears of goodbye

hold me now pillow!
squeeze me tighter and soak these tears!

the snow melts and we walk upon water again
turley lady whispering in my ear
and i don't fucking swim
oh shit

i kissed
i touched
i hugged
i wrote
i cried
i mourned
i screamed
i helped
i stood
i smiled
i did
i came
i sang

scatter me more
punch harder
get more weapons
use another gun
put on those brass knuckles
and hit

fuck it
i'll take it

life right?
always in the line of fire
even on sunny days

creep up my leg every night
and leave sweet nothings on my chest

come to the house on christmas
like bulls in our china shop
say i love you again
out of routine
out of, that's just the right thing to say

give me some of that morphine
dream it all away
shut it all down

i'm in it and i'm looking for the key
meanwhile, i guess i'll put away these dishes
work another graveyard shift
gotta pay the bills right?
gotta walk on water

i am not a happy girl
not today
not in this moment
got this suitcase of butterflies
no place to unpack them

where are you?
i miss you
and i'm gonna keep missing you in 2006
you're in the weave of every chapter in this book
from here on out till the end
that's how it works
you. affect. me. forever.
i know
that's a long time

don't you get it already?
i'm right here
right fucking here

12.25.05

maybe i write every word because it is just a hobby
something i never really stopped doing
my safe place when all went wrong- it was my written word i thought would stand as evidence to some sort of rhyme or reason to all the wrong
when nothing made sense, it was the faith i had that if i wrote about it now, it would serve me well in the future
and it has
in my opinion at least

well. that was a drawn out disclaimer.

listen closely to those times in life when i knock on your soul's door and introduce it to your heart. those times when i talk to the ear within your ear sreaming for the voice within your lips to speak up, sing out, chin up. when i call upon your your bravest days, the ones where you surprise yourself. bouncing back from challenge and defeat with such reverence, such respect, such serenity. such grace. listen closely to the songs we sing, the timber in our laughs, the scents beyond the cigarette smoke, the aroma changed because of the cigarette smoke. the lives you changed because of that timber in your laugh. that crazy way you get when you've had a little much to drink. to love. to swallow all in in one sitting. cause, didn't you know, my friend? you've changed my life many times over. and i love. i cheese. velveeta, no less. and i always melt for you. just your company.

that's how amazing you are. so i hope you listen hard in those moments, cause they really mean something to me. you inspire me. you shine in me.

this holiday. remember all that you are. it's where you're coming from. it is not where the journey ended. we got many more to come. so soak up the nostalgia. feel the twinkle. believe in the ho ho ho. cheers to the graveyard shifts and joy to the world. joy to your world. it's all you's got kid.

i love you!
celebrate. yourself.
and that's where i'll be. toasting right beside you. for you.

cheers.
ladiest of ladies---
lady basco

you have no idea

can't shake it off long enough to get any shut eye
something filled my cup with nothing
i'm glazy from lack of sleep
i keep filling and emptying the bags under my eyes
with salty water
contaminated by too much love
polluted by too many songs
my convoluted body wrapped around hope
i cradle myself and toss and turn
i'm thinking of you
and you
and you
and you
and on
and on
and on
bet you didn't know it was you
when you reserve a thought for every single person in your world
there is no time for sleep


i wish i could make the wish come true
that one

sweet nothings from yesterday

can't seem to get in a comfortable position tonight
last night
the night before last

there's a weight stuck in my stomach
an anchor attached to my smile
my laugh

how strange
how close
a kiss
a touch
hug me now!

the road gets you now
smile pretty and sign another autograph
and in my mind you'll find your name
over and over again

in my eye she lies breathless and breathless
no more touch me
no more hold me

so close we are
on some days
touch
kiss

but her
never days

you and me
ever days?
used to wish every day
but just a wish
a kiss
a touch

so close
so near
whisper whisper
between you and me
just us
in the middle of us

lose my number

i've been told life goes on
this too shall pass rings somewhere
not here

where did you go
are you not coming back
you never came to see me in la
you said you would
said you wanted to meet all my friends
said we'd squeeze

said you'd be done with treatment in september

i assumed too much

i don't know how to deal with this
i feel alone
so sad
so alone
so gone

heavily empty

my eyelashes are wet again
and i don't know what to do

paint me a different color
i want to be someone else

i miss my friend

i'm scrummaging through
sullenly searching, frantically looking
for every picture
every word
every memory of you

i'm trying to make you live forever
i know that's what i'm doing
i don't care if it's fucking ridiculous
where are you

fuckfuckfuck

where was i

i'm so sorry
i'm so sorry

blank

i'm finding it hard to
salty water take me back
to narrow brooklyn hallways
to pittsburg slip and slide
potato sack races
lip sync contests
riding on the back of my brother
taking pictures with them
oldest to youngest
riding on bikes up hills
too steep to climb
back when i first felt pain
first embarrassed about my ear
first embarrassed to be me

bring me back to sitting on my pop's shoulders
when grandma showed me how to dance with my hands
when ma taught me a lesson about littering
spit gum out the window
she stopped the car and made me find it
stop traffic
pick it up
and throw it away

remember the first time you were nostalgic about music?
how it made you feel
your first moment of remembering something
that sweet familiar
a moment returned to
a moment prayed for

i'm sitting here paralyzed by my own fingertips
my hand misses your hand
i'm exhausted from having to stand so tall
i am depleted and alone in a bathroom stall
waiting for another tantrum
beating back the drum behind my eye
emotions sweat
and my jaw won't stop clicking
my gut won't stop churning
my chest keeps locking
i get the shakes cause i don't sleep
i don't sleep cause my body won't relax
can't breathe
pace
pacing

i don't want to die
i want to die
how does that work? i'm just too pussy to kill myself. too much of a wuss to live. my arms hurt. unrest boils in the blood beneath this skin.

my eyes are tired. but not at all.

don't make sense out of me. don't make any sense.

the answers lay in the land of insomnia

i'm banging out one more tune
in the name of insomnia
i'm exhausted with being frustrated
exhausted with being insane
sanely, ofcoarse
which in some opinions
is even worse

so maybe i have changed a little
my tude, my hair color, my heart
what of it fuckers?
who really gives a rat's ass?

so all is lost
everything was won
another trophy gained
another dream slept on
leaning on rocks
and cuddling with clean sheets
at least i got my dignity
at least i said my piece

so fuck it all
and fuck again
sleep awkward with me
and all the dogs
hit me with your best punch
and you bet your toosh i'm bouncing back

i'm here on this physical plane
and i'm gonna live out loud
it's the least i can do
it's the most i can do

so come off your high horse of doubt
try me
i'm listening
stop being an asshole
cause i'm on the move
rolling on a river
gonna make mary proud

speak up
cause waves acrashin'
and i only gots one ear to hear ya
so speak up if you need me

it can all be over
believe that
all this is subject to change
it's up to you to row your boat
sink with integrity
rise with serenity
it's up to you now
yes indeedy, all up for grabs
reach out and hold on to it
embrace it
before the tide takes it all away

it's the damn truth
the tide will take all away
mark those words
it'll take away the bad
and it sure will take away the good

so off i drift
moving on to another land
gonna build me a home some where
gonna find me a tomb over there
a place i can lay this body and rest
where at last, there is peace
relief on this chest

i'm over being me
being me like this
the winds are blowing a little differently these days
goodbyes are scheduled
too late my friend
you forgot to show up my friend
you missed it my dear
life
it came and went
you were sleeping
you did not respond to the horns
i did not respond to the sirens

so off i drift
moving on to another land
gonna build me a home some where
gonna find me a tomb over there
a place i can lay this body and rest
sleep forever
regret at it's best

anything life

hit me with one.
i could use a good laugh.
tell me a story mad. a story sad.
rap to me about lamp lit streets.
staying out past curfew.
taking a walk cause you like somebody so much.
taking a walk because it hurts so much.
first fists. first pains.
heart stains.
rant about a first kiss. a twinkled eye.
a night tripped. a night broken.
waking up in the morning's familiar.
waking up at all.
cotton candy at carnivals.
my mind on her in intervals.
talk about anything life.
that song that makes you breathe easier.
should have been there earlier. fucking void.
fuck my head with a different answer.
give me a hug under fireworks.
tangent with me over a beer and a jameson shot.
do cartwheels on hospital beds.
keep dancing in my head.

it's funny how it all came about. this year. this life.
i'm doing inventory with half mooned eyes and i'm counting on you. leaning on that shoulder you always offered, never thought i'd take you up on it. here i go. i'm a little heavy so handle with care please.

i'm inhaling each full day and keeping track of the smiles, moments of perfect, waterfalls of defeat. bring me back to brazil. an old soul trying on naive, trying something new. uncomfortable. bring me back to a sidewalk in brooklyn where my life fell over and paid the price of a couple of teeth. a busted face. last summer. roller blade falls. waitressing. with heather. sublets. coming back to the doors where my names is imprinted. coming back home. kissing boys. looking in mirrors masked as friends. fighting. visits to prison. a friend gotten over. good company again. finally. fall in love. fall out. take a good look at my history half way around the world. be diagnosed with disease. a tsnunami. a hurricaine. go on the road. come back. go again. tell me your story, i haven't seen you in a while. show me what it was like to laugh that much. pump the tears out of me that much. grab hold of my gut and throw it around a little bit. hug me, not cause i'm the only one there to hug, but because you'll burst if you couldn't touch me one last time. let me visit my grandparents in the hospital. write to faces cause the guards won't let me in. write about faces cause i don't get to see them anymore. move. farther. closer. hold me. tighter. squeeze out emptiness. fill the cup with different answers. stop giving me coincidental time. timing bad. timing good. wisdom teeth gone. face swollen and beat. i'm beat. i'm loosening my grip. i'm tensing my jaw. i'm hoping for your call. i'm not gonna pick it up. trying not to ruin your day. i'm calling you. just in this moment. couldn't stand being alone. couldn't stand forgetting you. i got your voice mail again. dare i leave a message with all that is really on my lips. i wanted to make love. i wanted to make life. i wanted to tap on words, groove on concepts with you in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere. a couch in california. a subway on the way to central park. i sing that song cause it's all that fits. you fit.

finality. when last you breathed. i bowed deep into your left swollen foot into your breathless sheets. hyper ventilating. moistened your covers with tears. and i wished. i wished. i climbed closer to your hand and fell over your palm. lifted it over my forehead asking for forgiveness. kissed your still cheek. panted through your veins of cancer.

i came to see you in your new mountainous home. two hours it took. i was denied. our papers got lost. one prison to another. same rules apply. just different scenery. but i saw you through the window. i saw your pretty face and that little girl smile. i wanted a hug. i wished.

he came into town. my companion again. just for two weeks. two weeks ago. life changed. thought it had something to do with rent. thought it had something to do with life. had something to do with life ending. 2 months. i was told two months. at best. at best really took advantage of the situation, eh?

i'm angry. i kept hearing 'well yesterday she said' and 'just last night she was saying' and well I WASN'T FUCKING HERE LAST NIGHT. no. absent. no heather eyes for me. no heather talk.

on my way to the hospital from the airport i was stressing about losing her. when. how was i to get back to new york for her service in two months. what money. what dread. i stayed up all night with her. i saw a tear creep out of her sedated eye. i stayed up the following night. stayed awake all day. wasn't fighting sleep. embracing awake. she stopped breathing. did she hear me? i didn't mean for her to go early. i didn't mean to come so late. we had the service on friday. he sang hallelujah and i wished.

i want to sleep forever.
not my destiny to sleep forever. not yet.

i want to kiss till we bleed. i want to squeeze till we explode. want to talk till our voices are sore. write till life repeats itself. till it repeats you. where are you? come back. i miss you.

heather martin

where are you going
i'm looking at you now
staring at your face
searching for a trace
wrapping my tears in your palm
bow to your feet for some calm

you're giving me your oxygen
i don't want it, rather smoke again
i'm touching your body
studying your mouth
crawling inside you
with your friends from down south

three days to say good bye
am i in your eyes?

come on and pinch
the skin
on my elbow
come on and steal
a thrill
in a cab
we'll bring it right back sir
just wanted to know what it was like to be her

how does your cat out live you
purring bitter peaceful at your feet
we already miss you
breathless cradled in a sheet

three days to say good bye
am i in your eyes?

come on and pinch
the skin
on my elbow
come on and steal
a thrill
in a cab
we'll bring it right back sir
just wanted to know what it was like to be her

the meaning in this, i guess i'm supposed to find
grateful heather, for this borrowed time

three days to say good bye
you never told me why
where are you by and by
can i come too if i try
do you count my cries
will it save you die
i didn't mean to pry
but i need to know
am i in your eyes
too sudden i do not comply
i don't want to watch you die
am i in your eyes

where did you go
i'm looking at you now
pounding my head
on the body you just left
are you all ready
are you sure
cause i'm fucked up and unsteady
my heart's feeling sore

three days to say good bye
am i in your eyes?

come on and pinch
the skin
on my elbow
come on and steal
a thrill
in a cab
i'll bring it right back sir
just wanted to know what it was like to be her

seems like there's nothing to find
heather heather on the mind

HPV::arianna needs you

to learn about this.

i am in nyc watching my friend die from this right now.



we are all susceptible. please google it, read about it, get tested for it.

HPV human papilloma virus

raise awareness. please.

love you.
love yourself.
arianna.

fuck

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck nyc:::monday fuck

he chose me

i wanted to say something about love
see cause, i heard this guy spit last night
he spit about his heart breaking
and this girl
she spit about how much she loved

something to be said about choosing the one
how willing to reserve minutes and hours
days and years
the continuous pregnant thoughts

do the chosen know
that they are, indeed, chosen
they have been plucked carefully
that they have not been overlooked
they are dressed for in the morning
the blush is blushing for them
these dreamy smiles are for him
when his ears are ringing it is because of me

ring my bell
casting my spell
for the one
for you
i took your supplies
invited you to take a seat
while i pitched your tent in my heart
i wrote the words for you
i made it special
cause i thought
i think
you're worth it
you were chosen

so see, love is not something that just happens
it is a creation
it is a birth
and how that child grows
from being your new toy
marvelling at every move
every sound
every breath
then that awkward phase where their arms are too long
feet too big for their own good
saying inappropriate things
maintenence begins to kick in
they start getting a mind of their own
start talking back
regurgitating history
laced with words you taught, you spoke
the fights for individuality
the fight for freedom
the questioning of who am i
where do i fit in this world

that all passes and the day comes
where we let it all go
let it all be
trust we did enough
know we did all that we could
and live fully in the strength of faith

rest not assured

alone.
cold.

waiting for sleep to arrive.
take me away for a couple.
show me something better than this.

fill my cup with all that i miss.
wake me up and i'll throw a fit.
touch me again and i'm gonna split.
fuck my lip and grasp my hip.
push me away to the very tip.
go ahead go. have a fabulous trip.

dream. dream. dream.
drip. drip. drip.
falling out of reality and into myself.
sip. sip. sip.
then we do it again.
melt. melt.. . m e l t

giving thanks

it's a gift. a gift to have people to be grateful for. a gift of air, food and sleep. a bed. a pillow. a smile. a kiss. a hug.

everyday love. it's true. it's there. everyday.

take it. it's yours.

give it. it belongs to the world that surrounds you.

be grateful.

be humble.

you know the drill. give like you've never lost.

give like you've never lost.

madly loving*arianna

you. again. one last time.

my body rocked. alone it did.
my eyes were locked. no qualms i have.
to stand alone and take you in.
to stand and rock in this skin.
i'm that fool in the crowd.
look at you, i'm kind of proud.
returning and returning for one more round.
reminded and reminded by those thumping sounds.
i am a visitor.
no qualms i have.
to stand alone and take you in.
to stand and rock in this skin.
and your girl, so sweet.
and her hair, so familiar.
just chasing color off my head.
wish i could have been her instead.
but who am i to go crazy about it.
you end yours. i end mine. we end ours.
and beautiful it is.
and beautiful the days.
putting on our oxygen masks.
what a tangled task.
to be young and in love. to be in love.
blessed.
it hurts mikey.
so it goes. the heart beats faster.
i get a little sad when i'm around you.
i get a little sad when i'm not.
but so it goes. here we are again.
feeling awfully empty without you on my skin.
feet cold.
remembering the tales you told.
visitors in each other's night.
all my 'if only' wrapped up in a hug so tight.
and as we departed my body rocked.
off balance you threw me my eyes locked.
on you in my mind but no qualms i've got.
to drive without you and take you in.
to drive away and leave you to do your thing.
and as a lady does i say have a good tour and i smile.
i really hope so is what you say in reply.
i give you a twinkled eye in lieu of my cry.
you let go of our hug as people walk by.
gotta hide.
i climb into my car and accept the defeat.
cause i got this feeling you were just being kind when you said you'd come back to sit on my feet.
when you said you wanted me.
when you said you fell for me.
when you said you wanted to kiss.
when you said you wanted this.
when you said you wanted to drink me.
when you said it was better than being drunk.
when you said don't leave.
when i said i didn't want to interupt you.
when i said i wasn't trying to step all up in your shit.
when you said please step all into my life.
when you said you wanted to cry with me.
but you're not.
or maybe it never really counted because they were all texts.
or maybe it just sounded like the right thing to say.
or maybe i just siked myself out in a major way.
or maybe i just write too much.
give a little more than i should.
or maybe you always knew you could never give that. never that.
or maybe 'maybe' is just a fucked up way to convince myself of possibility.
because maybe you were never really that into me.
i don't know.
that's your line.
that's why i never knew.
i'm just an idiot.
always believing.
always giving my all.
feelings are over rated.
i'm throwing mine away.
all of them.
so i'll take it in and let it out. a toast to our crash. you were good company for this creep.
but i'm not wanted here.
my body rocks a tear.
my heart locks again.
'if only' never to begin.
blessed to take your picture.

a lady travels

take me to brazil with a back pack and adventure stowed away in our pocket
a road trip to anywhere and as a souvenir you on my chest in a locket
on my way to the moon, you and me on the back of a dragon's dream
i don't know when, but at some point i got sewn into your inseam
see cause i'm in your walk now, in the way you order your cup of joe
the way you look out your rear view mirror looking for me in the snow
i'm in that one song that's playing while the sun blankets your sleepy eyes
i'm that something warm when all the world has left you to your own demise
i'm the oxygen that won't fail you long after you've pushed me away
the melody that will always bring you home, right beside me you lay
i'm your newspaper, your body has been imprinted on my body
your story has been documented right here, you're talking to your history
you're standing in the middle of us like a trophy
stupdified in your own speech, agitated by your own fillers, stuttering your feelings cause you never felt this
i've climbed over your fence, stomped around your garden of doubt, through your half-opened window just for your kiss
cause didn't you know? i'll take you as is.
i'm standing outside your door this time
i'm wearing a skirt
a pretty shirt
but you do not hear the bell chime
that's too bad
cause i brought my suitcase of butterflies
thought we could watch them for a while
but i know, i know
you're busy
gotta go
gotta run
maybe you're not home
so i'll take this ribbon from my hair
and tie it around the door knob
just so you know i was here
i heard you
i came
i was right here

sunflowers

give it all and watch it grow
don't be mad because you thought you planted roses
and they grew to be sunflowers
don't lose focus

so it goes
it wasn't meant to be
that it happened at all
even the watching it fall
was the true journey
the true story of you and me

truly perfection
standing still in imperfect
rotate around one last time from this angle
looked good on you
but now i'm unknotting this tangle

figuring it out
rearranging my pout
finding that smile
tucking in that pain
so i can walk this next mile

almond eyes said enter the hurt
out of inspiration loyal stated
enter the heart
but she also said
'stay where you are so she can keep breathing'
and breathing i do
yes breathing it true

confront

my name is arianna aurora dolores basco
my birthday is march 31, 1981
i have four older brothers
derek brandon, darion drake
dante roman, dionysio jose damaso
dion for short
they are not proud to be my brothers
i don't think
i'm coming to terms with that
my mother's name is aida
my father is darius, often referred to as day-o
my ma's maiden name is abasta
i don't know many things
but i got concepts dripping from my fingertips
i wear my heart on my lips
and i'm not ashamed of that
i am a good person
i love dogs
when i get cold i itch
i can't sneeze properly
i call them snoughs
i get bitchy when i'm really hungry
or my feet hurt
or i'm tired
or it's hot
i'm brown
i'm filipino
i see my future in my grandpa's eyes
i hug my grandma like i did when i was four
i say a prayer everytime i see an ambulance
an accident
a police car with their sirens on
i throw things in the trash
i don't like to smoke in front of my nephew
i'm scared to invest in myself
i have one ear
that always sucked
i'm chubby
my face is not symmetrical
my pinky toe nail doesn't grow straight
my jaw clicks
i'm silly at times
i'm angry at times
i like a good laugh
i've been known to hurt people
real bad
i've been known to love people
thoroughly
when i die i hope it inspires people to live a better life
if i had all the money in the world
i would pay off all my family's debt
then i would adopt children
bear my own
raise them with everything i got
i would have a barbeque everyday of the week
open my doors so every soul knew they had a home in my house
and i do mean every soul
i do mean everyday
when i grow old i want to sing songs to my children's children's children
i wish i didn't have to sleep
i wish i was more than just me
i love food
i love that part in the conversation where an epiphany is happening
i love the part where you break down and cry because you have nothing
you are spent
and then the next day where you embrace your blessings
i enjoy a taco from this spot around the corner from my house
i find comfort in a baby crying and my ma humming a tune to them at 6 am
or at 5:30 am her vacuuming
my pops in the back yard practicing his golf swing
me and him talking shit about our pool game
i talk with my whole body sometimes because my voice is not enough
i love with my whole being alot of the times because it's the only way i know
i apologize when i'm wrong
i never say i told you so
i live life for a living
i seek truth for a profession
try to be the best person i can be everyday
i hit my friend's in the face, never in the back
i always forgive
i always remember
i give up too easily on me
i never give up on you
i hate being late
i hate loud motorcycles
i love to travel
i mean i appreciate it
i document it
i like chocolate pudding
ice cream floats
a good steak
when i go to a restaurant i order my meal based on the side dishes
my eyes skim the page for potatoes
i believe time is the greatest gift
try to give mine wisely
it dissapoints me when i see the coward slip out
it dissapoints me when the easy way out is always the way
i believe in feelings
communication
songs
universal truth
butterflies
life
this one

there

in a nut shell. me.

7 november 2004

it was a sunday. a week prior to this day i was returning from a month of brazil with miles. we were home in nyc for a week preparing for our winter in los angeles. that friday i tripped and ate the sidewalk. when i got off the pavement i was missing teeth and my face erupted. you wouldn't have recognized me. what a way to leave a town. somehow i knew then that arianna would not be returning. to new york. not in the capacity in which one resides in a city anyway.

how do you measure a year?

you're starting to sing, aren't you?


wow.


music. it's wonderful. ...it's crazy! fuck!

yes.

h o w d o Y O U m e a s u r e a y e a r ?

please tell. i need a reminder. share.

saying too much

a brother's call
an empty answer
not to get in the middle
and the middle is where you find yourself
you put yourself there

so the fight is in the backseat
swinging at each other
i'm in the front
in the middle
screaming out this song

turn it up
drown it out
all these if only's
now at your door
now put up the sign
you don't live here anymore

just need to take a drive
finding my friend's in an ipod
because these one's before me
they assume the position
but i do not recognize them

enter the hurt
exit arianna
you deleted
and just like that
us never existed

3 hrs 13 mins 48 sec

how long does it take to watch it all crumble
july 1 1999
november 4 2005

came back home with him almost a year ago
november 7 to be exact

somewhere in the midst of our conversation i switched my rings to my other hand
i always said it was just show for the nyc thugs

feels a little naked now

put him to bed with words
the most important ones i hope he heard through his sleep
i love you
i love you
i love you

we agreed to stop pretending
pictures have been deleted

i'm fucking tired

he said someone else gets to meet you
after all this
and still all i want is you

why

gave me some reasons
always does

fighting now
it is worth the save
but not like this

so this is it
the break

it started with the breaking of the eucharist
it ended with a heart

no time wasted
no regrets

we're family

which means there is no sugar-coating
it is the end of a chapter

but we are family

which means to love and support
no matter what

to love someone more than your own desires

he said you always do what you think is right
one of his reasons

he really believes that
i really believe that

the cookie didn't crumble
it was just eaten

just cooking up a new batch
i said we're doing more for each other like this
then pretending there is still something to eat

exhausted

no poetic lines
not this morning

a year of stripping us down
a year of really looking at each other

and arriving at the courage to say good bye to us
shaking hands with the end

roar

put it on the line and feel it break off
fuck my soul and feel it dent
car crashes between my legs
fires burning through my fingers
it's okay
just one
it's okay
just me

fly away, far away
take off and take a piece of me
take the sparkle
it was a gift
take the birth, watch it grow
i'll call it a miscarriage
i'll let it be

putting on these red heels again
filling the cup with tears
who am i kidding
i don't cry
not my style
not my cool

so sing another song
apply it to every girl's lips
good color
good lipstick
got my layers on
wearing new york on my head
got LA on my skirt

i'm swimming in blessings
drowning in you
and you
and you
and you

heart's are over rated
just the bass drum of a day
always another song
always another breath
and i'm gonna make the best of mine

so come harmonize with me
or don't come at all
stay in your hills of poems
i'm gonna keep crawling through these feelings
stepping on clouds
swallowing communication
confronting honesty

scream for love
it's worth it

a wednesday alone

today i stayed at home
watched the light change from my backyard
listened to my life chime through giant's howl
smoked cigarettes like i've done so many times before
i got it down you know
smoking
the sitting, the standing, the taking it out of a fresh box
an almost empty box
the lighting
that first inhale
the smoke framing the company in front of me
but no company today
just me and the light change
i'm sitting in the middle of history
remembering the us
never really know what to say days like these
the only day of its kind
i'm here alone
making jello for my ma
she just got out of surgery
having fried chicken with my pops
before he goes and naps next to ma
i love them

i miss travelling
i miss creating
i miss me
i miss us
i'm already sad
new chapters
old songs
moving around place settings at that dinner table
aching like a motherfucker
ripping existance out of reality
making elbow room for other dreams

things change
impermanence is the only permanent
inconsistancy is consistant
show me otherwise
you can't can you
hurts like hell doesn't it

fuck
who knows man
who knew
but before any of us ever met
it was just me
that day back in '81
what a day
everything was new
everthing was for the first time

i'm fucking ridiculous
sounds like my life is over
this is not the end
this is where i came from

i'm still going on
i don't know with who
i don't know where
don't know how
don't know if i even deserve to
i'm not entitled to any of it
never was
but i'll figure it out right?

that's what everyone says
she'll figure it out
she's good

i am
i'm cool
i got this one

my swagger

you didn't cry that night when my dignity fell to the floor
but you did say 'it makes me feel like crying'
you didn't rage in that moment of a family torn
you said 'it makes me angry, i'm pissed'
and when my life began to wither at the corners
i screamed 'why' 'what the fuck'
and when i think about my voids
liquid memories fall out of my eyes
and when i shook that tail feather
it was like the song was written for the dance
and when that song was sung in that apartment that morning
it was as if the song was hugging my soul
but all you could do was want to leave
you said 'i'm starving, let's eat'
and all i can do is tuck in my feelings
feed them a chill pill and swagger behind

drained

i am so tired
and i'm not even employed presently
been a long time since i've been out of work this long
save trips out of the country

i hurt i tell him
he asks my body or my soul
my soul i respond
my soul i repeat

i'm trying to play tough
but i am so tired of getting over it
i don't know who i am anymore
say my name and i wouldn't know it

i remember when i wrote
last call for the asshole ball
i remember thinking
this is it, that's all

and when i asked the wanderer
to go about his business
and that is just what he did
his wife and family his new interest

and casper oh casper
behind jail bars he sends
all his love all his heart
to his little boy and me, his friend

trolie-- in georgia
with the peach but not really
in prison his fate
and the latter doing lines freely

and she's an alcoholic
she smokes up her dreams
she just keeps running
she's never quite good enough it seems

he wants to cry
he wants to chase
the whiskey with water
he's reaching for his face

she lost her brothers
the sad story continues
never to be mentioned
just running the loop

she's lost her sons
she lost her house
the dog pissed on the rug again
she feels like a mouse

he drums
its all he ever knew
then met me
and that's all he wanted to do

he got on a plane
he boarded the bus
she caught the train
escaping the us

she's leaving specificity
out of her words
he's ignoring the feelings
with his silent swords

she wants him to sit on her feet
squeeze on to a sofa and hover
hold her all night real tight
cause its all going to be over

over

getting over it

so tired of this verb
so tired of this herb

getting closer

on lovers

they dress the part to prove that 'something' to the world
it is a show, put on for the audience of their lives
and cozy and comfortable it is
what a pair they say
and your relationship becomes the height of talk
drifting upon the lips of many a friend
many a foe

well he does that because...
she always does this...
that's why he...
what? how could you say that?...
no no no it's him...
but if she didn't...
than he wouldn't...
and if none of the above
what is there really?

boredom staring into the eyes of boredom
drama staring into the eyes of drama
for the sake of something to bitch about
what a trend
the game 'bitchfest'
let's talk about everything that is fucked up
let's give in to the substance abuse
domestic violence
opressed silence

what ever happened to putting your heart on the line?
not safety, not childish endeavors of drunk driving
nor glaze for days, breathalizers and games
what ever happened to honesty?

so many masks, so many obstacles
just to get a little closer
one's whole life built around getting closer to another person
put like that, i think, what's wrong with that?

aha! but there is something disturbing
something never quite settled in that gut of yours
because after all of this chess playing is done
after the moving in, getting a pet, sharing a home
split the bills and have breakfast in bed
explore your bodies and meet the family
what is left?
happiness ever after?
you, someday, telling stories of 'once upon a time'

how 'bout once upon a time there was youth
there was where i could have been some body
those naked nights of young
useless nights of drink
coughing up a lung
so much money to pretend
so many unaccountable nights for a fight
getting aggression out
all to the wrong people
guns pointed at the wrong lover
the wrong mother
doesn't even look like my father
never could be my brother

but nonetheless here lies the blame
never me
always you
never you
always me

so chase him down
i think you're catching up
put your fool foot forward
leave your dignity out of the room

no one really wants the truth
not these days
that's not the cocktail of choice
oh no
never that
johnny walker black. neat please.

fucked. insecore. neurotic. emotional.

just can't stop writing
my addiction
my alcohol
my drug

sucking me up these letters they do
swallowing up those sparkles on your face
they remind me of stars
that star i thought i could someday be

but be...
what the fuck does that mean really

i listen to my nails smash against this keyboard
i'm stomping these feelings, tucking them away

and his goal, he says, is to remove his make-up
mine is to keep it on
can it, will it hide all this residue of you
does it reach the criteria of a woman in control

i'm popping out these eyelashes
maybe it will distract the hurt
apparantly not, though, the cab driver was a witness
saw my swagger as my body passed the headlights

god, not quite the actress i thought i was
not quite that sister
that daughter
that friend

i'll just keep singing songs
that's all that feels right
they explain all
but never enough
but fuck! something has got to suffice

certainly words
absolutely writing
somewhere when looking back at these combinations of letters
there is an answer
i hope
i wait

my heart breaks sometimes
but i wouldn't expect you to understand
what a dramatist!
what ache goes on in this one mind
what pain in the middle of my chest

i don't believe it
this is perpetuated
instigated
created

but creation is real
okay
fine
true

but i am responsible for the condition i am in
and i am in the proccess of accepting this state
and i will change it all right now

give my self some credit
here i go
i have to go get my wife and her man
too drunk to drive
too real to ignore

addictions and their needs
abuse in it's finest

one more for the record

i'm a crazy bitch
i'm a writer
i document
my life
your life

i like to experience things
specifically you
i take joy in taking you in
watching you change

i eat your imperfections
i drink your tears
i dance to your laughter
i rock to your song

i believe in shit like that
i'm a cheese
i'd like to think chevre or brie
but sometimes just good old velveeta

i root for intimacy
i cheer for getting personal
i'm all for sharing
i'm all for giving

come to my house and my family will cook you a meal
come into my life and i will wear your heart
because i love
i fear
i scare

i'm just fucking me
i wish i could hold back
i wish i could bite my tongue
not feel
not tell

i live in the now
please don't take me away
be with me
or don't be here at all

for fucks sake
i am a lady!
i document you
you are a stain even when you are not present
but i believe present time is present time

so fucking me i am
downright emotional
and i'm demanding

so throw me out
it's okay
do what you have to do
put it on that oxygen mask
and i will put on mine

sometimes we'll do it together
sometimes it just wasn't meant to be
but please, by all means do it
i don't really exist
i'm just a moment
just one moment documented

yes

when playing with fire it is important to be aware that you just might get burned
learning to not expect much is quite a task, but one i frequent
and so it goes, pain is second nature
so heavy the blows, but only because of the sweet pleasure
of you and i leaping off the deep end
making it all like that vacation in south bend
but this is not life
this is not real
so yes to the moments of yes
pass over this body
pass on this lady
still considered blessed
no no i didn't forget
--those butterflies so beautiful
a warm and fuzzy for the ride
but dishonesty does not slide
lack of courtesy is not my style
so dead the butterflies are
yesterday, last week, last year so far
life before you, life changed because of you
too many people to love
so many places to get lost
somewhere between a neck and a shoulder
some place between hazy eyes and a breakfast touch
remember when we walked that street
pretending this was real
but stop pretending is my motto
and yours was always 'i don't know'
'k'
'hmmm'
'good answer'
and good they were
they were all of me
they are part of me

deep breaths come to visit me
i'm exhaling you out
so many quick fixes
just quick meals in a kitchen on fire
so it goes, so it goes
i'm mopping up the butterflies
doing inventory on the damages
gotta build this place up again
expecting visitors shortly
and this place better be in top notch condition
business as usual

here she comes

seems these days disasters are getting closer and closer together
between earthquakes, fires and floods
our new car and designer clothes aren't looking too hot

seems to be we're all in a race for power
all about conquering spaces that are not our home
in vein, no less
so on and on the bombs explode
again and again let's blow up that destroy this
makes us feel better
at least we have our play station
at least we have a pillow full of feather

but all that shit doesn't matter
presidents, world leaders alike
terrorists united
---mother nature is back to remind us.
reminding us while we're busy fucking eachother up
shitting on our planet
and smiling about it
she's fucking us ten fold
she's blowing our shit out of the water
setting us on fire
she's colorblind

i think she's just pissed

visitors

you don't see a lot of flies at night
i'm watching one right now
making its way off of the french doors

what spectacular doors
they look out to the backyard
yes, might as well call it club basco
this little spot in downey

and oh many a face come and pass through this door
many a new, many an old
it's like we used to say
it's a dinner table

the dinner table
made up of many chairs
not any specific numeric
however what does count here
are the people occupying the seats

here is a place for the permanance
the family usually
sitting atop of chairs built from history
and childhood rivalry
learning how to walk
getting treats from the ice cream truck

then reserved seating for the 'might as well be family'
cause your so damn close you bear witness to the turbulence
not just the earthquakes in your life,
the earthquakes that occur at the table
the earthquakes that involve the whole
you might not be at every meal, but there is
always a seat of your design awaiting you

then seats prepared for the visitors
those who come and go as they please
always entertained
always honored to have them
they drop in for a meal every once and awhile
always about them, never about us
they come with tears, with their stories and luggage of life
they come with pain, enter the hurt
but they will always leave smiling
feel a little less heavy
and always welcome back

there goes that fly again
i opened the door to let it out into the world
it doesn't want to leave
so here it will stay on this chair beside me
buzzing with me tonight
just this night

done

alright so maybe i'm not done
welcome to the freak show
admission is a fake smile and empty words
just that and you are gladly accepted

validation till the end in these four walls of lady basco
so swallow as many lollipops as you can
take a stick and smash my home
steal all those antiques on the wall
rerecord over the home movies
burn my written words
spit on the spoken ones
rip the couches at the seams
take my time take my time take my time
paint over the pictures
and call it art
or not

if nothing, when you leave this circus, you'll have a great story
remember that time
aw snap! that was fucked up!
but it was good times!

and i'll be cleaning up after you
and i won't even complain
i'll fight that tear till the fucking end
and will always call you a friend
because that's the kind of freak show this is

and you thought you were going to get off easy
oh no
i will remember you
and i will always love you
and i will leave you
alone

just before my eyes close

slowly going insane again sanely...
oh yes, sanely i cry sanely i scream
as insanity is my composure
insanity is my silence
... i remember that girl
and apparently she has not left me yet

i welcome you
to drink my red red wine
my door has opened
my heart, a piece just for you
but what of it when there is nothing else to give
how much more can you eat
how much more can you smoke
so many nows
so many 'if only's

throw me out already
a washed up poem
a weak knee
i want to talk about it all
i want the alphabet to crumble and fall

kiss my eyelids
dance on top of these scattered words
crash into this mirror and remind me again why we know eachother
why me
why you
what the fuck are you doing here

perchance happenings lace everyday
and i snort every last bit of this pen
then wink out every emotion of you
too much to write
too many words to read
too many you
always you

sane
sane
sane

you

my body rocked. alone it did.
my eyes were locked. no qualms i have.
to stand alone and take you in.
to stand and rock in this skin.
i'm that fool in the crowd.
returning and returning.
reminded and reminded.
i am a visitor.
no qualms i have.
to stand alone and take you in.
to stand and rock in this skin.
and your girl, so sweet.
and her shoes, so familiar.
my wife gave me the same pair recently.
but in her shoes it seems i will never be.
but who am i to go crazy about it.
i have mine, and you've got yours.
and beautiful it is.
and beautiful the days.
to be young and in love. to be in love.
blessed.
so it goes. the heart beats faster.
i get a little sad when i'm around you.
i get a little sad when i'm not.
but so it goes. here we are.
visitors in each other's night.
all my 'if only' wrapped up in a hug so tight.
and as we departed my body rocked.
off balance you threw me my eyes locked.
on you in my mind but no qualms i've got.
to walk without you and take you in.
to walk away and leave you to do your thing.
and as a lady does i thank you for being you.
and the gentleman that you are you thank me for showing up.
and you say you forgot how pretty.
it was the make-up. it was the dress. it was the shoes. it was for you.
so take it in and let it out. a toast to the crashes. company for the creep.
because i don't belong here.
my body rocks.
my heart locks.
'if only' never to begin.
blessed to take you in.

how old are you?

it's my wife's birthday today
there has actually been quite a few of them
all your mamas' and papas' must have been feeling that holiday cheer

i'm not naming off every birthday
you know i'm here
and it doesn't take your birthday to get to me

these markers of time are kind of awesome, right?
you have a little (or big) nothing crazy kind of night
get some presents, good food
good company, lots of attention
yes... what a wonderful day

then the realization of another year
of time passed
a lot of 'remember that time'
and 'back in the days'
man, like yesterday

from before i can remember i was old. i had four brothers respect i had to gain. always standing tall. you get tough growing up in the basco house. wasn't always easy. wasn't always no no no. but the older i get it seems the more in touch i get with that little girl in me. that little fancy one with the florescent socks and the rainbow brite doll.

i guess i always had a nack for feeling things deeply. genuinely. i've always been okay with that. others, on the other hand, grew to despise my ways. then i began to despise my ways. hated myself. had too much respect and love to piss down my own leg in front of my friends and family. no. i took care of that shit in new york. there she goes... on that plane pissing down her dreams. pissing down the pain. i soaked there for a few years. till it stank so much i couldn't take it anymore.

so i woke up from my piss and shit coma and arrived at twenty-four years of age. where did the time go? i am in my mid-twenties. ha! all of my brothers except for one is over thirty now. almost couldn't believe it. for various reasons.

maybe i'm going to say what i'm about to say because it'll just make me feel better. better about what i haven't acheived yet. better about how far i've come.

i'm every age. i'm ageless. at the beginning of this damn thing i felt old, mature, introspective, then sparks of anger and longing...

just got a text from sweet trust. he's landed. he's back home safely. now i just feel young and in love.

blessed. year round. everyday.

stop pretending

say what you want to say. do what you want to do. really do it. and have the fucking courage to take responsibility for the consequences.

and then enjoy a toast. to the new you.

which you might find, you were just waiting for your chance all along. you've been ready all along. you were barking up the wrong tree is all. you tried to pass your future off to someone else. you were hoping for someone else to validate you, stamp your passport and send you on your way.

it's all you. it's on you. so have the courage to create. fall on your face and get back up. stop numbing your self. stop pretending, stop avoiding. jump into that fear with your boxing gloves on and create a home for yourself. one that is not bound by location or geography. one that radiates from inside you and is always rooting for you.

might think what a selfish route. that's just an excuse. it's bullshit. you are the most selfless when you put your own oxygen mask on first. how then were you to assist others to breathe as freely as you do?

so cheers to punking the fear
side swiping that ticker tape of doubt
a toast to being a little more present
to you and i as we shout out an exhale
spoon feed a tear
clean ourselves up
put a little water in our cups
and bust a cap up in this bitch
and take that fucking risk
open the door
and walk through it
stop being such a pussy
stop making yourself crazy
invest in your own toes
see a light coming out of your chest
shake that ass
rock the boat
leave that little nest
fuck this comforting batch
and have a little more faith
take your own bait
cause you my friend, are a very good catch

because i had to

i was going to let this day pass without public mention.

these days i've replaced sleep with naps. but it wasn't too long ago when all i wanted to do was sleep. living in my dreams. having the conversations, interactions, fights and laughs i was unable to have while awake. i spent so much time sleeping while in that big apple. i spent a lot of time silent. maybe not my mouth. my tongue. but arianna aurora dolores basco siezed to exist. wanting no part of her own life. feeling obligated to stay alive.

it wasn't always this way. when i first moved there it was an excercise of getting out of my head. stop being so damn significant all of the fucking time. i never asked for any money from my parents when i fled the nest of california. they wouldn't have any anyways, and to ask them for some would only lead to additional family debt, but my mother would never show it. not to me. i didn't take that road. so i arrived. didn't give moving across the country too much thought. my head was so polluted at that point. i was mourning.

nevertheless, i picked myself up and worked my ass off. doing all that responsible adult shit. i was so busy and high off of the rush of the subways and the people and the food, i never really did take a good look at those twins. as a matter of fact, on this day four years ago, i didn't even know that the twin towers were referred to as the 'world trade center'. i never even noted the height of those buildings. i never took in the skyline. hell, i was a california girl just trying to catch up with myself, let alone look at some business buildings downtown.

this was one of those days i fell out of my head. i got a little closer to something. i put myself aside. i was beside myself. walking uptown. side by side with people who were having the same exact crisis as me. man. what a sight. had souls sworming around my body. crying. terrified.

to pay respect. exhale.

you know, we can turn on the tv and see a special report on a death somewhere. if we are engaging with the program, you can actually feel for that person. it might even change your life in some way.

but when the death counts are that of this day four years prior, the south last week, asia months ago and so on and so on---- man. it's like trying to read every book that was ever written. thousands and thousands... sounds so unpenetrable.

but when i think about all those people that i used to dream about in my state of depression. all of my family and friends that i so desparately needed i had to sleep to get them because i was just too damn far away. physically. mentally. when i think of those people. and then one day one of them being in the wrong place at the wrong time in a massive disaster. something begins to penetrate.

i'm not going into the politics of this today. politics are all around us anyway, we can talk about what an ass he is later. i don't want to be angry today. i'm not going through the details of my experience of that day. ask me sometime. probably won't tell it in fear of minimizing, cutting short the 'experience' if you will. that whole time period. the aftermath that these damn mathmaticians still can't find the damn formula for.

i have some faces in my mind right now. if i lost one of them to a devastation... i don't think you would want me to be angry. trust me, i want to be angry. i would be angry. i'm a little anger fucking fire ball. i want to scream at the world and bitch till i grow that ear that never quite made it. but nah. somewhere beyond the anger. maybe in the mourning of it. in the passing. i think you would want me to live and appreciate everyday. almost impossible task to be that optimistic everyday. but, okay, so at least today. make the best of today. make the best of yourself. change the world through starting with yourself. be proud of the life you live.

business as usual

business as usual, miss basco? says the man in sequins

while out of order nola went under, gas prices went climbing, my windshield got cracked and has since been replaced, new york keeps going, my face went swollen, my body met vicodin, many bodies went missing, soprano's still up at hawthorne sweeping, loyal moved in, my wife is still figuring it out, nasai's running around in circles, chuck's still asking for some red red wine to fill his cup, five dogs in the house, sweet trust out of town, ginger came home, shooot went on tour, georgia peaches are still sweet, iceland roams america, joe and cecilia are engaged, j went to his first wedding, benny and jonette called it quits for awhile, heather had another blood transfusion, cried on my pops shoulder, audge is closer to getting out, my brothers want a dinner, my ma still can’t sleep at night

and my neighbor just asked me:

Isn't it funny how the Republicans would move heaven and earth to try to keep one Brain Dead woman alive,

but won't hardly do shit to keep 10,000 people alive?

yes, i reply to the man in sequins while i smoke my first cigarette in a week.

business as usual for the whole lot of us, eh?

and just when the caterpillar thought it was the end, it became a butterfly… darion sent that to me some years ago now. call me a cheese, but somewhere, somehow, i still believe that hallmark bullshit

canada y'all

it may be too soon to tell what my fate is this year
but do think of me when you see water this week
save a prayer for me to not drown
when you are feeling the misfortune of summer and are finding itches upon your arms
think of me and rest assured there will be a mosquito party along the lines of this brown body
i will attempt to reserve myself this year from the lady up the road
but in the event that i will not be able to avoid the visit
have faith in me and give me strength to not attack her and her moose [scotch and milk] when she relays to me
that i am indeed brown
that i need to learn the western ways

yes think of me
for i think of you
everyday
all you white people
black people
brown people
inbetween people
all still figuring out these western ways

but at least you can swim

nyc not my home anymore

from a high rise
inbetween texts to friends
appeasing hellos
summer heat
i think of him

i think i'm sad
this city misses no one

but he said at a brooklyn bar diguising itself as manhattan
these streets feel my absence

lies i say!

these streets have too much company
much too much for this little girl and her little words
so expensive for my holy habits
my economical belly
my jwb liver
my hippy ways
impatience sways

the city goes on
it misses me not
i'm sad
because i don't mind
i am not bothered
i do not miss this city at all

i would not trade a day spent in this city's blanket
i would not trade the moment when it was decided
it was time to leave

or return for that matter
because as i said we are just running in circles
we come back home
always coming home for the answers
always running back into those familiar doors
branded with your mark

no i miss this city not
the magic of every street corner
the tales heard from one city block
my pores opening as i take on yet another flight of stairs
another squeezed subway ride
another frown, don't talk to me
another paper, this world so wrong
another street fair, i'll take a 5 dollar lemonade sure!


it wouldn't be that bad
it's not that bad
but i needed you
i missed you

yelled at miles once while he tried waking me up
snapped: don't ever interupt me while i'm visiting my friends and family

i don't have to sleep as much anymore
i never want to miss out on you again

so give me all your crazy
you keep affirming me everyday

point me to home

time words work you and ms joplin?

There are not enough hours in the day

I want to see the whole world laugh at the same time

Drink some wine

Blink out some tears for all the kismets stuck in traffic

Regale my unwavering soul

Hand- pick my thoughts

Want to swim in your mouth

Then let you spit me out

I want you to see me pout

Want to see you spit words upon words

Pulling out feeling upon feeling

Letter by letter tongue twisting my thighs

Barrel collecting my eyes

Darting out the ocean

I’m free

Just another word for nothing left to lose she says

But I’m worried that time

Time won’t slow down for me

Got all these things to say got shit to poop

Got more chicken for your soup and I type cause it looks like I’m working

And I am working

Just not for her

For my sanity

For my entertainment

Making wet wishes to this computer screen

Got glassy eyes for that spot on your neck right below your ear

And I’m swerving in this office chair

While I vomit this on a word document

Getting in predicaments I want to be in

Accidents I believe in

Spontaneity as a consistency

Pull me closer

I’ll take you too

And you and you

And you

And time is what you make of it

Time is a figment of your imagination

A fraction of a day

Time is a beauty, an ugly reality

The beast that hovers over you when you could have been so much more

The blanket that validates you when you realize how far you’ve come

A ticker tape stuck on you

As she says: just another word for nothing left to lose

It’s there whether you’re paying attention or not

Permanent like your soul

Imagination, speculation, threatening, and liberating

All of the above

No need to prove just move with it

Move into it

It’ll reveal out of necessity

::::come out and play::::

who's in, who's out?
who's there? who's square?
road trip? plane trip?
on your couch? in your fridge?
gotta smile? gotta drink?
like your style
don't think
let's go

:::::::::::::ITINERARY:::::::::::::

L O S A N G E L E S

i'm here already. if you live here, we should already be hanging out. if we haven't, that's really lame.

S A N F R A N C I S C O

july 29.30.31 : friday.saturday.sunday

august 5.6.7 : friday.saturday.sunday

N E W Y O R K C I T Y

august 16-21 : tuesday red-eye into wednesday---sunday

C A N A D A

august 22-28 : monday-sunday

*and just like that, she's back on the 29th off a plane from nyc and back to work on the 30th.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

come out and play.
stop pretending.

red rooster crows

you gave me 366 reasons to stay

but, man, i had to leave carmine

it’s been more than 100 days

and you’re still lingering on my mind

always imagined linda lou and benny boy

meeting up at a bar somewhere on the eastside

catching up on old times, still searching for their mexico

still chasing down their dreams, hand in hand as they go

but that’s no way of dying

so they lose themselves in a dance

while calico lady sits in the back writing

inspiration for her, for them one last chance

i close my eyes and sing a porch song

only to find i’m the only one in attendance

these days are walking along

but i never forgot how you took my independence

yes indeedy, good-bye to carmine

taking all those memories on my mind

all those melodies

on the road to california for company

joni in the front seat

rooster in the back

humming along to each track

saw dust is starting to settle

as your lips hit that amplified metal

i'm staying in this space for one more round

just one

locked into that sweet sound

dancing around

freedom bound

perfect me

never said i was perfect
i'm sick of looking at your face
i wanna puke on your feelings
and have no justification for it

wanna be hard and difficult
shrivel up and flip you off
fuck your reasons, i could give a shit
i've been fucking them up and down the walls of graffiti
where memories of us used to hang for months now
like hanging out laughing
fucking residue of a good time, i stomp on that crap
who gives a shit about good times
what is now is now

yes to jealousy and bats to knees
dragging her face across the sidewalk
pulling her out of her skin
i spit at the thought of "let's talk"
don't give a fuck about being the bigger man
i'm a woman
i'm a human
the closer i am to knowing my shit
is the quicker i can fuck up yours
so yeah, i hurt sometimes
so what?
fuck the differences
fuck being polite

fuck it all
slap me
punch me
scare me
maybe i'll flinch
but i'll definately be smiling
maybe i'll walk away crying
but i'll walk with myself
because i don't need you

nope, not you

another
asshole
down

last call for the asshole ball

so we began to dance
another spark, another flare
you and me in our trance
remember when we left nothing to spare

quick and fast we were going
the fire was lit
roll dawgs as it were
all attached at the hip

then there was no phone call, just a text then press send
a dance and a hug, an expression of love
then tell me you're mad at me just for being a friend

startled and hurt
once open and real
now proving to be
a slap on the hand, just a temporary thrill

30 days and counting
a keeper it was official, remember that part?
got fireworks and july
but i got june in my heart

an everyday smile, an 8 am call
a nighttime cap always about back in the days
making up stories we did
just for a laugh, it was the craze

but now your stories are changing
still bullshit at best
but it isn't funny anymore
now look at this mess

shame on your hypocrisy
you know what i'm talking about
i'm eating your shame for dinner
and spitting out the bones of doubt

you lost your balls some where along the way
your manners must be holding hands with them
cause it was my couch you slept on
and my mama's food you feasted on
it was my feelings and time you were impinging on
it was my thoughts and words you were binging on
it was my family pictures you were in on
it was my pop's laugh you were laughing on
it was my man's girl you were chillin' on
it was my heart's beat you were talking on
my life you were sitting in on
and you have no decency to be a man
you have no cohones to look me in the eye and take a stand
for whatever the fuck this shit is all about
give me something, shout it out
cause the shit your claiming is without a doubt bullshit
and even if you keep saying it over and over again
it doesn't make it true

so fine, you quit this crew
cool
just forgot we were still in high school
forgot some people don't know how to walk the walk
even though they can talk a good talk

someday you'll know how you fucked me over on this one
and then the day after that you'll realize how you really only fucked yourself
cause you just got a little closer to being a coward
all i am is a girl who happened to make a new friend
the best way i know how, with honesty, with belief in you
and all you are is an asshole

mm. maybe not entirely. but certainly in this scene
you proved yourself to be a big one
be proud

gnarly fucker

purple cows @ work

Everybody has a button to unlock their cars now
And I believe Charlie is dead
Never knew a cow could be purple
Still trying to pay for the butter for my bread


Probably wondering what to say next
Drowning in the pudding, you are
Rolling side to side in your office chair
Reaching out for another chocolate bar


((I know, I know. What the fuck))


Eyelids get heavy when they’re bored
Mundane computer keys
Talking ‘bout vacuums and hitch and hauls
Bout warranties and broken rotisseries


Gotta upsell the consumer
Fill their house with more shit they don’t need
Cross sell their soul
Hey while you’re purchasing that indoor smoker
How would you like a cherry red Waechtersbach bowl?
Perhaps one with a lip?
It may give you a tip to STOP BUYING SHIT you don’t need
Did you see the new dyson? The DC15?
Well it’s shaped like a ball so you don’t have to adjust your body at all
Like you don’t have to adjust your body when you watch t.v. Just grab the remote!
Or maybe you have Tivo so you don’t have to adjust your schedule to watch your favorite show!


Just another silly way to avoid going outside and meeting the sun
Like work is a good excuse to stay in a cubicle and kiss your dreams goodbye
Shriveling your spirit dry
Shoving you to the wee hours of night just to look for a smile
A good laugh with a friend or two
The things we do just for a moment of utter truth


Just to be a purple cow
Always looking for Charlie, that little dog that got away
Yeah, that sign’s been up for months now. Umm. I think Charlie is dead
Here’s $500 big ones if you find her it reads
All I got is my gratitude if you can find my ma’s piece of mind
My pop’s pride
My little poem
My brothers
This signs been up for a few years now
Sorry, I think I got Charlie beat


But I don’t suppose that’s why you called
(As my stomach stirs to find the words) So you want a rotisserie
4 payment plan sir?
Would you like a solid food injector with that ma’am?
Yeah, they’re amazing! You can inject garlic, tomatoes even spam!


Woohoo to another hard day’s work
Look out bread you will definitely be getting some butter tonight!
Looking forward to that button on my key chain
So off I can float away away a w a y like a kite…


What you didn’t know purple cows could fly?
Well they do, you just can’t find them on the PFS website

for my bitches

secrets are over-rated. they are the cause of un-needed turmoil. life presents enough drama without them. be upfront. be honest. and that's where we can live together always, in that space. no matter how far or near or how many minutes and hours and days and years we spend apart. you're the best when you're you. show yourself damn it!

and when i get tired of looking at your face i'll close my eyes for awhile. feel free to do the same to me bitches!



so to my peeps--- you are loved, you are thought of, you are talked about, you inspire, and all that you go through we can all learn from it.


nothing but love. really.




okay i'm done. now go get drunk or whatever and do something stupid so that i can laugh at you for years to come.

one for the crew

i don't mind being the last to write a note
after the back and forth is done, if it was good, it lingers anyway
don't pay much attention to the rules when it comes to attraction
try not to have it any other way

the georgians call me a hippy
suppose they could be right
if the definition is that of truth and love
compassion through the night

promising to be low-key every time, can't really fuck with my crew
beach grunge or pretty dress, we're kinda too sweet to deny
like how i smile every time i think about the way you say july
somethings just happen like that

wanna spend the night in the green machine
to be upside down with you
maybe play hide-and-go-get in the playhouse
drive straight through the gray area into the midnight blue

want you to show me your forte
have you for breakfast on the kitchen table
do pirouettes around you as foreplay
want you to make me wish i was more stable

want you to take a load off
watch these tiny dancer's moves
mr. simon says there's 50 ways to leave your lover
but i'm finding it hard to leave, am i being rude?

like waiting for that moment when you surrender
when you take off your pants, your mask and your cool
no more attempts to steal a glance
and just like that- it's like skipping school

tripping over ourselves to dig deeper into each other
loud smiles in between, just checking in
are you still with me?
because here we are, all alone, as if we've always been

no doubt this here world, filled with people and faces
of all combinations possible, this one happens to be ours
so pull over, i can't control it any longer
pull over so we can steal a bit more of the light from the stars

or the street lamp maybe, who knows?

there she goes again, morning's light poking eyes at me
my body peels off yours letting out a moan from where i fucked up my knee
this is the part where i have to skippy off to work
you don't move much- just look up, say hi, and give me that half- ass smirk

carmen

another round
falling deeper into each other
making a fool out of myself
but laughing all the while
just can't stop smiling
and i won't pull my eyes away

i like your jeans
wanna dust them off with a kiss
wanna get a little closer
wanna see you see me
so i can read the thoughts in your head
i can see me walking through the walls of your mind
opening doors and getting deeper into you



and then i get interrupted
by the monotonous workday tasks
have to go
as we do have to sometimes
feelings come and feelings go
last calls send us home

fuji revisited

mount fuji comes to visit me again while my eyelids are encouraging me to sleep
there were seven of us that day, that night
after double shows for some, we came off the train, welcomed by rain
yes there were seven
and one was offered horse as a snack
and snacks we wished we had more of
cause at midnight we began and by nine
it was the snacks we were out of
it was down the trail pointed
while we were hauling up
it was up when she fell to her knees, vowing she couldn't go on
it was a rock and a beagle and a cellphone without reception that made her weep
and it was my love and i who waited patiently for emotion to pass her

it was three bags he carried
mine, hers and his
actually two more, my ass and hers
he said it was "beautiful at the top"
he said "15 minutes left"

my love kept pushing us up rocks for two more hours
at the top it was gray
at the top we saw everything and
nothing
it was 1:30 and there was no bus
i still hear the cab drivers laughing
and i feel my ankles are weak
i fear i will die in Japan

it was rocks we climbed down
yes, rock climbing i beleive it's called
and there, yes tight there is the edge of the mountain calling my name
"go on" i say "i'll be fine"
"find some food or water" i say please go, i'm fine
then i tripped
i met a boulder that day
i visited the three year old inside of me
because it was there on that boulder, that boulder and i wept like i was three
wept isn't the word
no wined and moaned and cried and tantrumed

then god came in the form of a japanese man
yes it was him that helped me without words
get my face off the boulder who had by then became my"blankie"
he lead me back to my clan, my posse
it was god who came to visit again
and gave gifts of gloves and biscuits and the bulldozer trail
it was the side of the mountain my friend fell off of to meet us
it was a biscuit he ate whole
it was pain our bodies were in
yes pain
hunger desperation
we had to hitch hike that night
cause there were no taxis
cause, as we were informed just a few hours prior, tourist season had ended two days ago
there was no food water transportation tourist hiking sticks other people because "tourist season" had ended TWO DAYS AGO

and it just don't stop

trying to escape the pressure in the middle of my chest
in a race against the sting behind my eyes
forking out all the times your pillow was my breast
holding on to me with your faithful lies

fighting off you for awhile
all the while waiting for that smile

pictures never tell the whole story
just the parts you want to remember
the yelling the screaming the glory
that one night in december

oh my guilty pleasures!
and i know i'm the only juror in this trial
i'm aware of my little disasters
consistantly choosing my sweet denial

found evidence on scraps of paper
convincing myself of some truth
but there's none of that here
not anymore, just a fool and her liar

fighting off you for awhile
all the while waiting for that smile

fuck your phone call and your 'how've you been?'
real dandy. good enough to hold up my chin.
how 'bout, where the fuck did you put my heart?
did you leave it in the gutter somewhere carelessly
or did you give it somebody else? probably

good job mr. man.
good smile.
good style.
triumphant do you stand?
without fail, there you are again.

sweet nothings on the back of a penske truck

my head got beat in by pictures i couldn't capture with a digital camera
being because, i don't own one

but i do own my last moments in ny
last at least for awhile
the walls will be painted over
and so will this face
with other colors eyeliner and tears
with new goodbyes, old hellos

what a trend

honesty feels good

living without boundaries in the comfort of love
the witness of familiar and the poetry of the unknown

give me a kiss of the unexpected and i promise it will be lived out
it will be documented and kept secure in the picture bank of my mind

i won't forget
it's not in my nature

courage

it all happens so quickly
but not quick enough
i find myself editting before i even finish a line
but that's not me
i've opted to look down at these keys
while i imprint my ache on this page

what is here
so much
there is so much

trembling now because sometimes the words don't tell enough
the song can't bring it enough
the heart is incapable of enough beats to beat into my head that it is okay to let go


enough with enough
the inadequacies of life can have you spinning till you are drowning gasping for air
but its there, just breathe

there is fucking air for the whole lot of us
but we deny ourselves, we consistantly choose suffocation
how comfortable
like a cozy lazboy that you can't figure out how to sit up in again so there you lay
always looking up, can't see a damn thing in front of you, losing track of the time of day
just get the fuck up

breathe

breathe in all the pain and anxiety
the nervous giddies and the eruptions
laugh your brains out
and when you give someone a hug
do it with the photos of that person's soul wrapped around both arms
when you meet someone give them a hand shake of a thousand more hellos to come
because who the fuck knows?

all these people are witnesses to your life
you are a witness to theirs
how can that be invalidated, dismissed?
we are made to fuck and feel and fight get bloody ugly
and forgive be humbled
then feel again


breaking down these words in my head, my shoulders go limp and my eyelids drop deeper
into my gut of anticipation for sleep, for road trips, for travel, for being here
right here, taking it all in and feeling it all come so quickly

and letting it all go

yet another revolution

got an emotion for every picture on this page
a poem for each face
got this song swimming in my head
searching, scratching, looking for a space
and i'm afraid i won't have enough to give
like when i really need them, the words won't come
or when i'm really needed, i'll be numb
from feeling something
anything
so sad these days, masking yourself behind forced pleasantries
i greive these days, waiting for a little honesty
i watch these days pass
bills get paid
people get laid
testing hellos
hating goodbyes
another revolution around the sun, so fast these days pass

but i still wait for you
come around and share your undeniables
it's why we know eachother
it is why we recognize one another
in a world of unfamiliar, in the days of ultimate cool
we stand naked

a note from the other side of the world

got henna on my hand and my granpop on my mind
on two lane streets heading straight on into a jeepney
the ink has been a little silent but not lifeless
never without life
heat comes to visit daily here in the philippines
from manila to baguio, stop over in iba for some local perspective
become a ninang, that is a "godmother" in tagalog

see my mother laugh laugh laughing
loud smiles fill the air of palinkis and swimming pools
my father at ease, curious-
curiousity is possible at any age

auntie nita, same old auntie nita
she's got a hug for every tear you cry in life
grandma got a prayer for each one of those tears
tita elsie got a purse for all my pretty
and miles got all the kisses for my thoughts that float around my head

no words really come when experience takes over
trying too hard to speak their language or my language the blah blah blah
where is the bathroom?
salamat po.
then it all becomes tagalish
one language
one smile, that's for sure

grandma wants more great grand children
uncle chet reaches for his new son jonathon
ma keeps laughing at pops
and pops keeps laughing at ma
and we listen for where those kost 103.5 hits are coming from
on a beach in my ma's home province
singing red red wine, drinking red red wine

we keep taking shortcuts that don't seem like shortcuts
just roads lined with little girls like me with no shoes
grown men with missing teeth
women missing toes sometimes
and little boys pissing on the street
and the dogs keep coming out, one looking worst then the last
is there a humane society around these parts?
our driver doesn't quite understand the question

the craziest part so far was staying at the penninsula
four star hotel
let's pretend for awhile there is no such thing as cold showers or dirt
pollotion and poverty
maybe we can stay here long enough that it will all dissappear
and the philippines will just be a great vacation getaway
we won't have to go outside and look into the loca'ls eyes and see ourselves

more to come, come another internet cafe
they're not as common here, slow connections
slowing everything down to just enjoy the living, mourn the dead,
respect your elders and eat some pancit
while listening to those soft hits the whole world knows