i fucking love this song

indiana asks why i'm still up
i suppose it is because...
yes because when you reserve a thought for everyone single person in your world
sleep does a good job of hiding
but also because
it just might be the only time i have for myself
alone
just me and all my dreams
spinning with my eyes open
witnessing darkness becoming light again
i love that part
i get to be all that i am right now
in these words
in these thoughts
don't have to pretend
make anything okay
accomodate anyone
anything

and no, i don't dump on people
i find when i do all that i feel is belittled
a little
a little death occurs with each dismissal
see cause when i listen i listen
i'm not waiting for you to finish so i can tell you about me
no me is reserved for now
these wee hours of morning
of night
where i can spit everything and nothing really
listen to this song over and over again
change it when i'm sick of it, not you
i'm not pleasing anyone but myself
the light is on
or off
this keyboard is all mine
the ink is my drink
the world is all perfect in imperfect pictures
this is when i get to rearrange the puzzle however i want it to be
you'd be amazed of the faces i think of
you'd be amazed to know it's you
it really is
i don't count sheep to sleep
i count blessings
every night
it's a tedious task
but one i frequent and enjoy thoroughly
it makes my day worth living
it makes this life worthy of each blessed day

it's me time
where i'm not apologizing for my truth
where i don't need to explain myself
justify my actions
just me
being me
the only time it truly feels right

where i live in a world of surround sound
and peace in the middle of internal wars
where i can take off these boxing gloves for a minute
and let my fingernails breathe and experience pretty
make a girl out of myself
lean into being comfortable in my own skin
fuck yeah
me time
arianna time
putting it out there
putting me out there
cause i think i'm that important
at least in these hours
just these hours reserved for yours truly

never say never, only to say, never say never

i know i should sleep
but that state of mind is so unfamiliar to me now

i read an article today
it's got me throwing up
i'm so disgusted
so empty
so
so
so
angry
sad
disgusted

the audacity
the lack of tact
and the pictures

bad representation
way to cheat the dead
way to go

i love
and i have more to say
just not now
right now there is only room to feel the cheap blow
the pain it caused right in my gut

way to piss on her life
shit on her dignity

I LOVE HEATHER MARTIN
never forget
kangaroo says never say never
but even he has to say it sometimes

never forget

my nose won't stop itching!

woke up when the sun did
woke up with old friends
draped across this long beach apartment
a place to call home, for now

so many things have already happened this beautiful morning
you wouldn't believe me if i told you
... actually everyday
everyday is full and exciting
even in it's pain and confusion
hurt and humiliation

this morning though
love floated through my back window
2 dozen roses delivered, yellow and red
threw out the trash
and, accidently, threw out something along with it
power outage and donuts
move the car
mop the floor
loyal's honesty
finally
and being accepted in all her truth
really feeling loved for all that she is
the good and the bad
she can sleep now
she rests her head

heart texts
early morning
make me smile

called ma and pops
the first conversation in awhile
where i was loving
i've been so angry lately

soprano just got a parking ticket
she's running down and screaming right now
it won't do her in too terribly
she's floating on a love cloud today
yellow was for friendship
and the red roses
for being the love of his life

and i'm gonna be the video camera today
they're happy today
really twinkled
beautiful

the song was written about seeing his ex-girlfriend with her new man on the london subway
i saw it all so clearly
it broke my heart
i'm watching the scene now
saying goodbye in that pregnant thought
that catch of the eye
that familiar smile
so specific
such a specific feeling
like everyday before this one
did it ever even happen?

were we really there
i don't know

i know i'm in california now
in a bed by myself
witnessing my friend's fall in love
and that is enough
they're worth it
they always were
just needed to do a couple worthy things for themselves
so they could shine

yeah
it's gonna be okay

a note from indiana

I LIKED YOUR BULLETIN
SORRY YOU HAD SUCH A BAD DAY
BIG HEARTS ARE HEAVY THINGS TO CARRY
SO MUCH TO SAY.......SO LITTLE TIME IN THE DAY
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO MAKE TIME TO LOVE YOURSELF....
REGARDLESS OF THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU
SOMETIMES THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU, LOVE THEMSELVES MORE
SAYING GOODNIGHT IS NOT ALWAYS A GOODBYE
EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST PART
BUT THEY ARE THERE FOR A REASON
THINKING OF US ONLY MAKES FOR LESS TIME TO THINK OF.................
WE WILL TAKE YOU IN DOSES
IN THE MOMENT
IN THE PUREST FORM.
WOULDN'T ASK ANYMORE OR ANY LESS
BREAKING LIFESTYLES
BREAKING ROUTINES
CREATING THOUGHTS OF WHAT IS ACTUAL
PLEASE DON'T EVER COMPROMISE
DON'T EVER SECOND GUESS YOUR IMPACT ON THOSE AROUND YOU
IT IS POSITIVE
AND ADDICTIVE
AND NEEDED
AND WITH THIS I HOPE YOU WAKE YOUR SMILE
AND WEAR IT LIKE A BADGE
OF GOOD THINGS TO COME
NEVER REMEMBERING STIPULATIONS
TIME-WASTERS
WEIGHTS THAT MAKE US HUMAN LIKE EVEYONE ELSE

cruelity licked my face

it's crazy when the sun doesn't visually rise
but all of a sudden the visual out my back window becomes
like when the words dry up
but they feel the need to be written anyways

not much to say
more touching these days
more kissing
no fucking
looking to win a bet
or maybe looking to win myself

what a special place between my knees
on my lips
on my mind
in my muscle in the middle of my chest
throbbing to touch
feel
but the point? what is it when you are not allowed to feel?

hands slapped
legs crossed
she just needs time to heal i tell myself

but the bruises are becoming scars
and doing the right thing has gotten the best of me yet again

what am i saying
what am i saying

i'm talking about a nocturnal era
capturing this time where it's all happening
witnessing days passing

the sun is not rising
i'm just spinning with my eyes open
rising and setting...
just pretty images to say
but the truth is
the truth is
the truth...

i love you
and i'm here
even when you close your eyes spinning
even when hollow is where you reside

even (pausepausepause)
nothing is even
nothing is fair, is it?

the game is 5 card draw
can't get a whole new hand
only allowed to trade in 3
my hand is looking pretty shallow
call me an idiot
but i think i'm gonna stick with these

the bets are in
pot right
i know i'm going to lose
i'm giving you the game
this one
but we lose some battles to win the war
and this card game
is just a mere card game

i'm standing up
leaving the table
and sliding down my canopy of dreams
right into your morning sun

the bottomless coffee cup

sir. you can't sit there and vomit. you need to move yourself to our bathroom facilities.

so i'm almost off of my graveyard shift
pushing far away, just for the moment, all the tragedy of 24 years
trying to embrace the blessings
one being that i have a job i enjoy
graveyard and all
it is at this time i am bussing a table and oops!
the drunk bumps into the blonde asian and bam!
there it is: ranch dressing
on the shirt
on the apron
in the apron
in the book
on the money
wonderful!
(i am smiling)
fuck! wonderful!
and the english man at the counter...
there he is again
leaving me voicemails

okay, so i'm home now
after my 3 minute drive from work
and 40 minute search for parking
my apartment mate is passed out on the couch again
and the "swivel sweeper" is proving itself a good product
but i know better than to call that number on the television
only 2 easy payments of blah blah blah
c'mon!

things are changing
please
please come with me
or don't
never want you to do anything you don't want to
but man, i think it'll be fun
think it'll be okay

watch this sunrise with me
watch in wonder this life
it's so much better with you by my side
you know?

you know.

hey!

if we call right now they'll knock off a payment and throw in not 1 but TWO
MINI swivel sweepers

if you call right now
i'll throw in a smile and a tear
a girl and all her tough
all her vulnerable
and her incredible ever changing hair

ranch dressing

no, i'm not throwing that in
i'm just noticing the smell of it reaking off my clothes

oh. yes.
and the man at the table.
"excuse me" she says to my fellow server
"i know you are taking that to-go box to your table, but can we have that?
trust me" she says "you want to give it to us."
and she procceeds to hand the container to her friend
who promptly begins to throw up into the styrofoam hollow
i quote the blonde asian: [insert above title]

i've seen alot.
that was fucking disgusting.
ew.

morning fog promised me life

it's all happening
there's this reoccurring dream i have
2 things actually
the first being that i am incapable of walking
my knees are constantly bruised and weak
the second, i have this ability to catch wind and fly
dancing among the sky
look up slightly
there i am

i keep meeting people from that anonymous society
i'm surrounded by death
bodies failing
relationships ending
and dreams
dreams living out loud

got puppy love and long beach magic
recording the music of now
of today
and today is breaking
aching with every good bye
smiling like every hello

what a beautiful life
in all it's pain and longing
and guess what?
i'm not missing a thing
i'm in it

barely any money to my name
no phat house to show for
no fancy bling or vip treatment
just me
simple

letting water roll over me
so fresh for the new day
today
nothing like it
embrace the bless
rest your head on my chest

sit back and let me shake a tail over your body
cut a rug in your memory
you are forever
you're in the now
simply always
it's okay if you don't see me
open your palms
face them toward the clouds
there i am
falling right into you

shhhh
just watch
it's such a good day