taking a stroll on water

i'm feeling the weight of change and a chapter's end
a cliffhanger for anticipated continuation
i'm feeling blank proclamations
new bathroom sinks, new apartment walls
lying under a canopy, no longer in brooklyn
looking over courtyards that remind me of brazil
i close my eyes and i'm on top of mount fuji with a prayer
in the philippines with auntie nita
have a pillow between my legs in place of him
a poster in place of her

rain falls on long beach today and i'm in it
you wanna talk life?
let's talk bills and love songs
let's talk hospital rooms and last breaths
let's talk about missing the holidays, being a bird and flying away
kissing today and never tomorrow

scratch your head harder
think on it a little longer
write about it and dream
change the answers
i think its working

i misplaced my keys
have you seen them?

i'm rubbing my cheeks with my green tea hands
letting go of 525,600 minutes while listening to a playlist called rest your head
and i plan to
rest. my. head.

stop pretending

it's you
you know it is

we write our own books
the ink is in our actions
the thoughts are between the lines
the delicates of hello
the numb tears of goodbye

hold me now pillow!
squeeze me tighter and soak these tears!

the snow melts and we walk upon water again
turley lady whispering in my ear
and i don't fucking swim
oh shit

i kissed
i touched
i hugged
i wrote
i cried
i mourned
i screamed
i helped
i stood
i smiled
i did
i came
i sang

scatter me more
punch harder
get more weapons
use another gun
put on those brass knuckles
and hit

fuck it
i'll take it

life right?
always in the line of fire
even on sunny days

creep up my leg every night
and leave sweet nothings on my chest

come to the house on christmas
like bulls in our china shop
say i love you again
out of routine
out of, that's just the right thing to say

give me some of that morphine
dream it all away
shut it all down

i'm in it and i'm looking for the key
meanwhile, i guess i'll put away these dishes
work another graveyard shift
gotta pay the bills right?
gotta walk on water

i am not a happy girl
not today
not in this moment
got this suitcase of butterflies
no place to unpack them

where are you?
i miss you
and i'm gonna keep missing you in 2006
you're in the weave of every chapter in this book
from here on out till the end
that's how it works
you. affect. me. forever.
i know
that's a long time

don't you get it already?
i'm right here
right fucking here

12.25.05

maybe i write every word because it is just a hobby
something i never really stopped doing
my safe place when all went wrong- it was my written word i thought would stand as evidence to some sort of rhyme or reason to all the wrong
when nothing made sense, it was the faith i had that if i wrote about it now, it would serve me well in the future
and it has
in my opinion at least

well. that was a drawn out disclaimer.

listen closely to those times in life when i knock on your soul's door and introduce it to your heart. those times when i talk to the ear within your ear sreaming for the voice within your lips to speak up, sing out, chin up. when i call upon your your bravest days, the ones where you surprise yourself. bouncing back from challenge and defeat with such reverence, such respect, such serenity. such grace. listen closely to the songs we sing, the timber in our laughs, the scents beyond the cigarette smoke, the aroma changed because of the cigarette smoke. the lives you changed because of that timber in your laugh. that crazy way you get when you've had a little much to drink. to love. to swallow all in in one sitting. cause, didn't you know, my friend? you've changed my life many times over. and i love. i cheese. velveeta, no less. and i always melt for you. just your company.

that's how amazing you are. so i hope you listen hard in those moments, cause they really mean something to me. you inspire me. you shine in me.

this holiday. remember all that you are. it's where you're coming from. it is not where the journey ended. we got many more to come. so soak up the nostalgia. feel the twinkle. believe in the ho ho ho. cheers to the graveyard shifts and joy to the world. joy to your world. it's all you's got kid.

i love you!
celebrate. yourself.
and that's where i'll be. toasting right beside you. for you.

cheers.
ladiest of ladies---
lady basco

you have no idea

can't shake it off long enough to get any shut eye
something filled my cup with nothing
i'm glazy from lack of sleep
i keep filling and emptying the bags under my eyes
with salty water
contaminated by too much love
polluted by too many songs
my convoluted body wrapped around hope
i cradle myself and toss and turn
i'm thinking of you
and you
and you
and you
and on
and on
and on
bet you didn't know it was you
when you reserve a thought for every single person in your world
there is no time for sleep


i wish i could make the wish come true
that one

sweet nothings from yesterday

can't seem to get in a comfortable position tonight
last night
the night before last

there's a weight stuck in my stomach
an anchor attached to my smile
my laugh

how strange
how close
a kiss
a touch
hug me now!

the road gets you now
smile pretty and sign another autograph
and in my mind you'll find your name
over and over again

in my eye she lies breathless and breathless
no more touch me
no more hold me

so close we are
on some days
touch
kiss

but her
never days

you and me
ever days?
used to wish every day
but just a wish
a kiss
a touch

so close
so near
whisper whisper
between you and me
just us
in the middle of us

lose my number

i've been told life goes on
this too shall pass rings somewhere
not here

where did you go
are you not coming back
you never came to see me in la
you said you would
said you wanted to meet all my friends
said we'd squeeze

said you'd be done with treatment in september

i assumed too much

i don't know how to deal with this
i feel alone
so sad
so alone
so gone

heavily empty

my eyelashes are wet again
and i don't know what to do

paint me a different color
i want to be someone else

i miss my friend

i'm scrummaging through
sullenly searching, frantically looking
for every picture
every word
every memory of you

i'm trying to make you live forever
i know that's what i'm doing
i don't care if it's fucking ridiculous
where are you

fuckfuckfuck

where was i

i'm so sorry
i'm so sorry

blank

i'm finding it hard to
salty water take me back
to narrow brooklyn hallways
to pittsburg slip and slide
potato sack races
lip sync contests
riding on the back of my brother
taking pictures with them
oldest to youngest
riding on bikes up hills
too steep to climb
back when i first felt pain
first embarrassed about my ear
first embarrassed to be me

bring me back to sitting on my pop's shoulders
when grandma showed me how to dance with my hands
when ma taught me a lesson about littering
spit gum out the window
she stopped the car and made me find it
stop traffic
pick it up
and throw it away

remember the first time you were nostalgic about music?
how it made you feel
your first moment of remembering something
that sweet familiar
a moment returned to
a moment prayed for

i'm sitting here paralyzed by my own fingertips
my hand misses your hand
i'm exhausted from having to stand so tall
i am depleted and alone in a bathroom stall
waiting for another tantrum
beating back the drum behind my eye
emotions sweat
and my jaw won't stop clicking
my gut won't stop churning
my chest keeps locking
i get the shakes cause i don't sleep
i don't sleep cause my body won't relax
can't breathe
pace
pacing

i don't want to die
i want to die
how does that work? i'm just too pussy to kill myself. too much of a wuss to live. my arms hurt. unrest boils in the blood beneath this skin.

my eyes are tired. but not at all.

don't make sense out of me. don't make any sense.

the answers lay in the land of insomnia

i'm banging out one more tune
in the name of insomnia
i'm exhausted with being frustrated
exhausted with being insane
sanely, ofcoarse
which in some opinions
is even worse

so maybe i have changed a little
my tude, my hair color, my heart
what of it fuckers?
who really gives a rat's ass?

so all is lost
everything was won
another trophy gained
another dream slept on
leaning on rocks
and cuddling with clean sheets
at least i got my dignity
at least i said my piece

so fuck it all
and fuck again
sleep awkward with me
and all the dogs
hit me with your best punch
and you bet your toosh i'm bouncing back

i'm here on this physical plane
and i'm gonna live out loud
it's the least i can do
it's the most i can do

so come off your high horse of doubt
try me
i'm listening
stop being an asshole
cause i'm on the move
rolling on a river
gonna make mary proud

speak up
cause waves acrashin'
and i only gots one ear to hear ya
so speak up if you need me

it can all be over
believe that
all this is subject to change
it's up to you to row your boat
sink with integrity
rise with serenity
it's up to you now
yes indeedy, all up for grabs
reach out and hold on to it
embrace it
before the tide takes it all away

it's the damn truth
the tide will take all away
mark those words
it'll take away the bad
and it sure will take away the good

so off i drift
moving on to another land
gonna build me a home some where
gonna find me a tomb over there
a place i can lay this body and rest
where at last, there is peace
relief on this chest

i'm over being me
being me like this
the winds are blowing a little differently these days
goodbyes are scheduled
too late my friend
you forgot to show up my friend
you missed it my dear
life
it came and went
you were sleeping
you did not respond to the horns
i did not respond to the sirens

so off i drift
moving on to another land
gonna build me a home some where
gonna find me a tomb over there
a place i can lay this body and rest
sleep forever
regret at it's best

anything life

hit me with one.
i could use a good laugh.
tell me a story mad. a story sad.
rap to me about lamp lit streets.
staying out past curfew.
taking a walk cause you like somebody so much.
taking a walk because it hurts so much.
first fists. first pains.
heart stains.
rant about a first kiss. a twinkled eye.
a night tripped. a night broken.
waking up in the morning's familiar.
waking up at all.
cotton candy at carnivals.
my mind on her in intervals.
talk about anything life.
that song that makes you breathe easier.
should have been there earlier. fucking void.
fuck my head with a different answer.
give me a hug under fireworks.
tangent with me over a beer and a jameson shot.
do cartwheels on hospital beds.
keep dancing in my head.

it's funny how it all came about. this year. this life.
i'm doing inventory with half mooned eyes and i'm counting on you. leaning on that shoulder you always offered, never thought i'd take you up on it. here i go. i'm a little heavy so handle with care please.

i'm inhaling each full day and keeping track of the smiles, moments of perfect, waterfalls of defeat. bring me back to brazil. an old soul trying on naive, trying something new. uncomfortable. bring me back to a sidewalk in brooklyn where my life fell over and paid the price of a couple of teeth. a busted face. last summer. roller blade falls. waitressing. with heather. sublets. coming back to the doors where my names is imprinted. coming back home. kissing boys. looking in mirrors masked as friends. fighting. visits to prison. a friend gotten over. good company again. finally. fall in love. fall out. take a good look at my history half way around the world. be diagnosed with disease. a tsnunami. a hurricaine. go on the road. come back. go again. tell me your story, i haven't seen you in a while. show me what it was like to laugh that much. pump the tears out of me that much. grab hold of my gut and throw it around a little bit. hug me, not cause i'm the only one there to hug, but because you'll burst if you couldn't touch me one last time. let me visit my grandparents in the hospital. write to faces cause the guards won't let me in. write about faces cause i don't get to see them anymore. move. farther. closer. hold me. tighter. squeeze out emptiness. fill the cup with different answers. stop giving me coincidental time. timing bad. timing good. wisdom teeth gone. face swollen and beat. i'm beat. i'm loosening my grip. i'm tensing my jaw. i'm hoping for your call. i'm not gonna pick it up. trying not to ruin your day. i'm calling you. just in this moment. couldn't stand being alone. couldn't stand forgetting you. i got your voice mail again. dare i leave a message with all that is really on my lips. i wanted to make love. i wanted to make life. i wanted to tap on words, groove on concepts with you in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere. a couch in california. a subway on the way to central park. i sing that song cause it's all that fits. you fit.

finality. when last you breathed. i bowed deep into your left swollen foot into your breathless sheets. hyper ventilating. moistened your covers with tears. and i wished. i wished. i climbed closer to your hand and fell over your palm. lifted it over my forehead asking for forgiveness. kissed your still cheek. panted through your veins of cancer.

i came to see you in your new mountainous home. two hours it took. i was denied. our papers got lost. one prison to another. same rules apply. just different scenery. but i saw you through the window. i saw your pretty face and that little girl smile. i wanted a hug. i wished.

he came into town. my companion again. just for two weeks. two weeks ago. life changed. thought it had something to do with rent. thought it had something to do with life. had something to do with life ending. 2 months. i was told two months. at best. at best really took advantage of the situation, eh?

i'm angry. i kept hearing 'well yesterday she said' and 'just last night she was saying' and well I WASN'T FUCKING HERE LAST NIGHT. no. absent. no heather eyes for me. no heather talk.

on my way to the hospital from the airport i was stressing about losing her. when. how was i to get back to new york for her service in two months. what money. what dread. i stayed up all night with her. i saw a tear creep out of her sedated eye. i stayed up the following night. stayed awake all day. wasn't fighting sleep. embracing awake. she stopped breathing. did she hear me? i didn't mean for her to go early. i didn't mean to come so late. we had the service on friday. he sang hallelujah and i wished.

i want to sleep forever.
not my destiny to sleep forever. not yet.

i want to kiss till we bleed. i want to squeeze till we explode. want to talk till our voices are sore. write till life repeats itself. till it repeats you. where are you? come back. i miss you.

heather martin

where are you going
i'm looking at you now
staring at your face
searching for a trace
wrapping my tears in your palm
bow to your feet for some calm

you're giving me your oxygen
i don't want it, rather smoke again
i'm touching your body
studying your mouth
crawling inside you
with your friends from down south

three days to say good bye
am i in your eyes?

come on and pinch
the skin
on my elbow
come on and steal
a thrill
in a cab
we'll bring it right back sir
just wanted to know what it was like to be her

how does your cat out live you
purring bitter peaceful at your feet
we already miss you
breathless cradled in a sheet

three days to say good bye
am i in your eyes?

come on and pinch
the skin
on my elbow
come on and steal
a thrill
in a cab
we'll bring it right back sir
just wanted to know what it was like to be her

the meaning in this, i guess i'm supposed to find
grateful heather, for this borrowed time

three days to say good bye
you never told me why
where are you by and by
can i come too if i try
do you count my cries
will it save you die
i didn't mean to pry
but i need to know
am i in your eyes
too sudden i do not comply
i don't want to watch you die
am i in your eyes

where did you go
i'm looking at you now
pounding my head
on the body you just left
are you all ready
are you sure
cause i'm fucked up and unsteady
my heart's feeling sore

three days to say good bye
am i in your eyes?

come on and pinch
the skin
on my elbow
come on and steal
a thrill
in a cab
i'll bring it right back sir
just wanted to know what it was like to be her

seems like there's nothing to find
heather heather on the mind

HPV::arianna needs you

to learn about this.

i am in nyc watching my friend die from this right now.



we are all susceptible. please google it, read about it, get tested for it.

HPV human papilloma virus

raise awareness. please.

love you.
love yourself.
arianna.

fuck

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck nyc:::monday fuck