you can't forget when it's right in front of you

it is thanksgiving again
and i find myself looking into mirrors
through old love notes
passed affections
time spent and a life lived thus far


some words
and their damn combinations
makes the heart wrench a little bit
some of those picture shows
seem like a blink away
when in fact..
they are days of the past


i remember those toes
so very close to mine
us sharing ny air
san diego skylines
english croissants


i did want it to be forever
i really did

but forever was not on our time card
but that it happened at all right?
that it happened at all


man..
oh man
i know i'm a wierdo
and am undeserving of all the love that has and continues to flow in and out of me
but at the very least
the very tiniest
i can be grateful


bless you
bless us
bless your mother and mine
i miss you
and all those forever days
and some nights,
like this one
when we are far far far away from each other
almost like another planet away
i take out these mirrors
to give myself a squeeze
to remind me
how we held each other
that one day
so long long ago

text

you want me to write
you want me to truth
you want me tell
how i feel
how i peel
what's the deal
how i'm undone
by the way you
stand sometimes
just behind me
i can feel you breathe
you want to know about
butterflies
and texts
spitting future mid air
into the wee hours of night
swapping stories between my legs
holding your heart in my palm
moving just right
just to feel you that much more
to somehow hug your core
and hope that i'm enough
to support that back bone of yours
and all those dreams on the tip of you nose
those concepts running down your tongue
looking for a space to just be
let it be me--
but instead
what rolled off
was not me
and i am reminded
i am number three
another girl
in your world

so i'll pick up my things now
pack up these sweet nothings
wish you the best now
you can erase all these writings
you want me to truth
you want me to tell
how i feel
how i peel
what's the deal

you heal
me

on my way out

my fingertips freeze in pregnant thought
afraid of what will become of it's combination of letters
all i'm saying
is that i don't know where to start

so let's start where things usually start and end--
love

so quickly he arrives
and the other goes
with such speed we love dive
and throw our heavy blows

didn't you know that forever is over
didn't you know i would leave someday
didn't you know we were never that clever
didn't you know,
you are in me forever

what sense does it make
none i know
none i say
none i play

bat bat my eyelash
slash slash my heart
say my name
call me kris
say my name
call me kiss

cook me dinner
stamp me a sinner
it's your world
i'm just that one girl

who once had your heart
a long long time ago
a few few months ago
last night
but one day at a time
i fade
i fade
i fade


but you stay
you stay
you stay


you fucking stay
stay
stay
forever

making up words

while you're deconstructing--
making sense of disatered days
resented parents ways
doing inventory on wasted smiles
driving, driving clocking miles
ashing cigarettes out the window
digging regret out of hollow
while you play picture shows on repeat
road tripping pondering the economy
the definition of being free


go ahead..
put your foot on the gas
take that weight of
that empty frame on your shoulders
put it in your calloused thoughts
by way of another shot
more importantly
by way of your fingertips
sing your life on your lips
while you fortaliciously drive
fly
float
construct your fucking boat, man
one shitty 'i will never remember you ever' at a time




cause while you're busy deconstructing
it's the most amazing thing


you heal.

launch me right

what happened to the days of true soundtracks and road trips
paint me new
paint me new
i was hoping for something better
i would never trade in my friends for fame
i would never erase blood for
some temporary life thrill
a coincidental spill




i want you to remember

those days you wanted to be more
when your bestest mates stood beside you
those days you sucked ass and fell and never thought you'd get up
all those muddy fuck ups
that day you made your mama smile
that very first time you smiled back because
you were grateful
for everything

i want you to remember

















then come back
ready to be rocked

magic microphone

When youre weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
Im on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When youre down and out,
When youre on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
Ill take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
Im sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.



someone sing this to me.
karaoke all night long.
someone sing.

we are memories

this world is too small for me
there's not enough space to leap so far
so deep
so beyond
all the things that anchor me humble
remind me of you
those yesterdays still make me stumble
so tight tight i shut my eyes
so wide wide i open them
still every turn
no surprise
still every turn

this world, so small
these tales, so tall
forget me not
forget
cut out my heart
and marinate it for half a day
then bite into pumped blood from yesterday
enjoy your meal

life
it's all part of the deal

to live
really live
is
a bit

tragic

street lamps and poached eggs

peeled my head off the pillow about an hour or so ago
took the dog out for a walk and saved myself from a parking ticket
now my stomach be uneasy from all that damn 3 dollar dewar's
now my head be all heavy painting pictures of vermont ave and all night diners i don't work at



2 block landscapes in a snap
a hazy morning recap
so many honest moments to catch
somewhere between street lamps and poached eggs
rolled cigarettes and onion rings
marty and elaine setting the tempo
at watering holes where the locals sing
somewhere between breakfast burritos
hot sauce and coffee refills
you might stumble upon us
the one-night trio



but i really just be the dewar's girl
handing out discounts to your liver
i just be that visitor
that one night in your world

this just in

* don’t think you’re getting a deal for a whiskey at your local pub for 2 1/2 quid [which is 5.00 american], because you’re only buying heartache and thirst for 25 ml. looked like it was a glass ready to be bussed, "wait, wait i just ordered that!"

* when you’re offered squash for a drink, don’t be alarmed. and don’t fear when they only pour you a 1/4 of the squash. it is actually this fruit juice that you add water to. quite nice actually.

* no freebies in england. we had indian the other day and our dishes did not come with rice.

* flowers and plant life, to the contrary of what you might assume, are plentiful here. and this morning it snowed, sunned, and flowers still strived. beautiful really.

* as well as driving on the opposite side of the road, drivers take advantage of parking any which way they please. behavior which surely would merit an american parking ticket.

* i haven’t tried yet, but apparently one can stand in the middle of the road for as long as he pleases and will not be penalized for obstructing traffic nor j- walking.

* say you wanted to be naughty and rob someone, rape someone, say kill someone... make sure you do it before 18. then you can be sure to not be punished for your crime, at least while in the uk.

* must say i don’t miss our pharmaceutical drug campaigning every other commercial. they fill their commercial time with much more comical advertising on other useful consumer goods.

* my pocket is not the only one hurting from these eating out- about- town prices-- the english often cook at home.

* when i was in brazil, everything was half of my american dollar. while in the uk, everything is double. i feel much like a third world citizen here. financially speaking.

* despite what people say, i have seen the sun everyday since i’ve been here, if only for a few moments, there has been a bit of sun daily.


... and it just started snowing again. :)
... and the sun is out too.

shoeless american

how very english of me
drinking tea and smoking american cigarettes
holding tight to my american sleep pattern

upstate new york began to scream at my memory
while on my way to birmingham from heathrow
that was yesterday
already feels like a week
today we drove about on the country side
felt a lot like northern california
hills and trees
my childhood echoing to me over fields of green
.. it’s already been a lifetime

so heavy travelling is on my eyelids
so heavy it all seems somewhere in the middle of my chest
foreign land
but so much familiar
places i’ve been before
places i may never return to
so is the curse of living
of travelling
an ability to say hello for the first time
say good bye not knowing it is the last

his parents are conservative
we sleep in separate rooms
separate beds
we seem to get on well though
it does provide a different experience however
i woke four times in the night
sort of misplaced and out of sorts
but ah, no worries
just alone in a twin bed
on an island in europe
with dial up internet
and more baked goods than my tummy cares to discuss

david and pam were the first to collect us at the airport
that was good
a good genuine hug never hurt anyone
actually makes some one feel better
like they belong
like they were wanted
they named off all 17 cats living in their house
hence why i got a case of allergies straight off
i fell asleep en route on a blanket
surely at one point used as a bed for one of the many kittens
see, i belonged to them too

meeting the parents always solidifies a relationship
felt like i had been to this junction before in my life
something awkward
like the shoe not quite fitting yet
still has to be worn in
lived in

or perhaps we should just go shoeless

... which is what we actually do
no shoes in this birmingham cottage
and the place settings are set for any given tea/ coffee time
and there is a folded napkin and proper utensil for every bit of the way

a bath tub used only for bathing
a toilet room used only for toilets
a hot water tap for the sink
and a separate cold one

and they asked if i would be willing to live in the uk in the event of marriage
and they asked with whom i lived with in ny
they asked if i preferred la oppsed to ny
despite tom’s wishes to be discreet
i opted honesty
on all questions
i answered, as i have answered all along, i prefer my family
even when they did not prefer me
but i didn’t say the latter

the uk greeted us with wind and sun
i here it’s a rarity in these parts
not quite sold on it yet
although today was calm and gray
currently the status is 1 to 1

was a bit emotional when i was leaving
i know it’s only a few weeks
but even on the brink of new experience is sadness

i read bukowski all night
he spat rawness at me that i understood
and i understood that he is not me
my soul is obligated to much more than drink
and sex
and horse races
cigars
and after hour strip clubs
one night stand motel rooms
and poking the life out of intellect
no, hank is the real thing
the real cheese
that fine bitter bite that you fear
but you eat it anyway
because you can
because it’s your life
and you can do as you please

i am velveeta
i’ve been processed and spit out and processed again
i’ve been groomed by my history
from the faces that i could never wrong
the meals that i couldn’t afford
the pillows of kindness
and all the shit that was endured
the slaps in the face
the knocks to my knees
the lack of an ear
the shit end of the stick
didn’t make me harder
didn’t make me bitter
it gave me humility
it gave me love

and this warm tea to sip
this humble life i live
these tiny words to scratch
this bit of heart to give

me birthday sunday

it would be so nice if you came. it’s my brother’s too.



myspace. com/jillandhaven :: sexy and sultry
the stomper from last week, miles, found these two at a smokey speak easy one december night back in 1933.. alright maybe not. but maybe at a place called winstons on santa monica blvd where he shares the bar with jill and now will be sharing the stage. jill on vox. haven on the geetar. miles on that racket kit.

myspace. com/thesoulution :: rock your socks off
he bought my brothers bike and wears top hats. he may look like an evil filipino firey danger man. but he’s as sweet as pie. but don’t tell him i told you that.

makeshift food goup :: just two weirdos making music an’ stuff
tom has a habit of misplacing his head at times, so oneday while at the high window he waltzed right into steve’s studio before realizing he was on the wrong floor.. and so began this makeshift food group. two non meat eating citizens making do with tofu, synths, and braggs amino acids.
[but bass and guitars this week]
myspace. com/lissiemusic :: a sweet powerhouse
touring with lenny kravitz and signing with sony bmg uk is a hard act to follow.. but lo and behold tard and lissie meet. all be okay. go listen. it’s like something i heard before. something immediately good. like a smile.




so come out with your smiles and play. NO PRESENTS. just presence.

yesterday

in a city where every one knows some one
some one more important than the person in front of them
it’s easy being a stranger to something real
something to feel






so here be me
a feeling being
and there be you
feeling so true






how does it happen
that in a city where every one knows someone
much more important than the person in front of them
that people come together
and drop all those pretenses all those clouded lenses
and talk to one another
sing to each other
spit emotion to make a heart bigger
our shoulders a little lighter
something to recognize in one another
when we dare to live beyond a margin

how does it happen
that today i want to be a better person

b/w scream

it’s funny how colors change
so quickly yes they do
the closer you get to them
so smeared goes the hue


but was it the color
or was it your eyes
that began to judge
slightly patronize
all that was
once upon a time
all that is
a love less than sublime


with great hopes
we hoped for magic to stay
the newness of touch
that smile that day
but that was that
and now, once color,
is stained black



funny
so pretty that day
to you, so fun and so fresh

funny
once special in that way
now for you, i am less

last night

was really magical.

fist off went to see django james first show at the key club.
then the poetry lounge to see these poets kill it.
then to the pig and whistle to see some crazy beat madness.
then to cafe 101 for some yummy.


anywho.
there is something absolutely charming about hopping from place to place.
and with amazing company throughout.


but it would have been cool if they were all in one spot.
including the food.

that’s what we’re aiming for.
sundays.
tard.
something out of nothing loves.

<3

i just fell in love

with the 110N.

it happened between compton and hollywood.
it was pleasantly surprisingly smooth.
of coarse some rough patches are expected around downtown.
but what relationship doesn't have it's rough patch?
those little scuffs create charatcter.

anyway.
just wanted to share my rush hour romance.

<3

ps..
got to my house and parked in a hurry [in the middle of a hectic day n'all]
but i couldn't help but notice a man in a sweat suit sucking on a pacifier. you know, like the one my lil niece ella enjoys.

can someone tell me why???!

frag ment ed

thought i'd take a moment to type something
pause in my oh so busy doing nothing day
where to begin


currently my fingertips kiss these keys
searching for meditation
solace
a clear mind
been doing yoga lately
bikram at that
been concentrating on nothing
breathing
still and strong
trying at least


remember epiphanies occurring at 3:21 am
hugging tears in the rain?
soul searching on a high school day
booty bumpin old school till dawn?
diner walk outs
premature endings
saying too much
not saying enough?

traveling somewhere far and finding yourself
not moving at all and finding .. yourself


or those so many uncounted nothing days
such a busy body
dancing around earth as if there is something important going on
changing the world in a vote
your diet
eating organic
going to yoga
playing hop scotch catch up with your friends
playing strategy chess games with your emotions
sleeping too much
drinking too much
smoking too much

yeah those days
finding yourself too


guess these tipped fingers have been silent for a minute
unfortunate
wish i had more to say than these fragmented roaming words
but that's all i have today
that's all i am

it's time

by now you should have cleared out all those holiday texts
replied to all those drunken voicemails
decided the right diet plan to go on to rid yourself of the weight the season brought on
and already made and most likely broke some new year's resolutions



i'm just sitting here in my los angeles apartment feeling the draft from my wall
no longer wondering how those damn mice get in
i've read cloves and peppermint oil keep them away
certainly this rain ain't helping none



just wanted to drop a line
see who was still out there
breathing and living in 2008
who still believes in dreams
santa claus
and fairies
who still thinks of others before themselves
who thinks of only themselves and still thinks that that's the best road to success
just wanted to check in with some friends
check if they still do consider themselves friends
check if they know what that even means



2008
two thousand great
so i've been told
yes indeed
time to do some cleaning, it is
time to indeed


so cheers to the past
cheers to letting go


and cheers to embracing now
i've taken the bad with the good
and now


i would prefer my real friends please