ohana

9 days of prayer commence the day we put my grandfather in the ground
a lifetime of ink begins for my brother dionysio
i call him ohana
he chooses to put our family name in our native writing alibata
surrounding these foreign symbols is derek, darion, dante, dionysio, arianna
darius and aida
in our frequented letters
letters that anyone can recognize
as far as the basco being represented in shapes not understood by the laymen's eye
well guess that's for us and the chosen few to really understand
and the chosen few is at least 100 deep in this family
and then there are our imbedded friends... that's even deeper
so i suppose in our world, it stands as a badge of honor for all who is worthy to comprehend
as my brother dante put it so well in his poem to pay ode to my grandpa at his wake
'the patriarch of the family
life span nearly a century
made you feel like being a basco
was like being a kennedy
one of the most important parts of my identity
and i'm here to carry on your legacy'

i take in the sounds of the rosary from the elders
the peace of prayer
and the sound of the tattoo gun in the garage we used to breakdance in
where now my brother sits in grandpa's wheelchair receiving a branding
a reminder
of today
of this life
of this family
our mourning and our joy
our song
and our strong

god bless these faces
this laughter
this home

for it is because of them
i learn love
i feel love
i am loved
i give love
i
am
love

i belong to a tribe that is more expansive and rich with color
than the sky can reflect
a tribe who's heart redefines compassion and unconditional
a tribe that looks like my niece's bravery caressing grandpa's face he recently retired
hand to his weathered skin
'i love you lolo, i'll miss you'
she saved her tears for my eldest brother derek to cry
as he watched his 3 year old daughter do what he couldn't cause goodbyes are always hard
it looks like grandma in her old age and short term memory
asking if we called tita emy and notified her of his passing in 6 minute intervals
but yet when serenading my grandfather in his death bed in the home of my youth
she bowed and wrapped her tears in his palm knowing she no longer was to wake up next to her 68 years
it looks like in the face of loss
we still gather and feed our community
open our doors and mourn openly
strumming guitar strings and sing the songs that bring us back to pittsburg
back to the days when we were safe
painting walls in the laundry room
with the lines and images only young imagination could muster
we pick our lot on the floor and stake our bed on the carpet we learned to walk on
word swapping with cousins till odd hours of the night
sneaking in the kitchen drunk off emotion looking for a late night bite
it looks like relatives that witnessed my birth that i don't remember
but it doesn't matter
they still look at you in marvel
in time and pride
they give you that look that anything is possible
like you're the most beautiful miracle
it looks like
belonging



we laid a leader
a beginning
a father
a son
a husband
a man
a cuya
a compadre
a golfer
a soldier
a survivor
a prisoner of war
a ninong
a manong
a lolo
a grandpa
down in the ground today
but his spirit will never rest
it will dance and hum inside of us forever
hold our hearts and be our drum

tears like songs, this family weeps
i hear them all over the universe
we're just trying to find the harmony
to grandpa's prolific melody


so sing on the hyms louder
tattoo gun sound stronger
what an honor to take part in this symphony
in this family

present time is present time

how do i say goodbye
to my father's father
my grandfather
if it weren't for him
his choices, his path
i would seize to exist
my brothers wouldn't be my brothers
my father would have never met my mother
my nieces and nephews would have never been born
my cousins would be different faces
my aunts and uncles would have a different laugh

it's crazy this life thing
this death thing

haven't wrapped my head around all of it yet
guess i don't need to
just have to be here
present

tears without a destination

29 years deep and some change
my head feels like it's gonna explode
all these swollen tears without a destination
patrolling fears without any action

cause i can't do anything
and i'm so used to doing something
fixing things
making things
patching it all up
sewing the pieces back together
auntie nana's kisses ain't gonna make it all better this go around
grandma's hug ain't gonna mend this boo boo
ma's grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup ain't gonna make the pain subside
pop's emotion ain't gonna make better this empty
it scares me

grandpa's silent last words to me be the largest sound
grandpa you got this chin to this chest bowing down
praying for some truth

cause i really got my knees dirty this time
and i think this time i ventured a little out of my range
i'm a little lost
i know you probably expected more from me
being that i am 29 years deep and some change

it's just that little girl in me i guess
the one that refuses to grow up
the one that still takes comfort in immortality
fairytales and fantasies
happily ever after
blissfully forever laughter
give me a squeeze now
for the trillion squeezes never to come
make my hands dance, like when i was 2
you and me we sway and we hum
for now i suppose they are lullabies
melodies so sweet you baptize me
marked me a basco
stamped me some many years ago

then came sunday
oh holy day
oh sorrow
you sleep
so much peace
watching over us from heaven
97
and i be 29 years deep
your spirit i try to keep



in other news,
my dog giant went missing a couple days ago
the downey PD said they collected a beagle yesterday morning
hit by a car
they disposed of him before i could go verify if it was my new york
my snuggle buddy
my hiking partner
my hungry little crawler
my unconditional love
my little man
my constant man
my road trip companion
one of my best friends
guess they didn't see all that when they found him on the cement that day
they didn't know that corpse belonged to someone
this family
then again, i don't know if that beagle was mine for sure

leaves me a little more lost
if that's even possible
for a person to be even more lost



if it was giant
on that median helplessly lying there
wanting so badly to come home
broken and in pain
alone and cold
if that was my little giant heart
i can only hope that he found you grandpa
and he's keeping you company up there
give heather and grandpa abasta and auntie pat and alberto a kiss from me too
let giant know i'm sorry for not being there for him
and grandpa
i know i'm 29 years deep and change already
but i promise
i promise
i will try to live as courageously as you did
create a life to be proud of
you leave me no choice
though this bruised life be aching
i have the footsteps of greatness to fill
i can't swear i will
but i swear i will die trying

streaming words from pittsburg

on a couch, i curl up, like when i was 5
or then there was that one time, i threw up, drunken teenage years
me and my friend tried to cover it up by flipping the futon over
i was so wasted, the world was spinning

the world is spinning
spin spin spin

i came in last night
as i was driving up in the old neighborhood i couldn't control the emotion
i approached my house, the house that i was born to
couldn't stop
entered the house and got nearer to my grandparents room and my throat and my tears
stopped every step
i stood outside the door for a moment and just wept
my grand father was napping
a long nap

i sat across from him on my grand mother's bed
i snuggled up with her
as my brothers surrounded my grandfather's corpse
my mother came in and and said , 'dad, why didn't you wait for me? i told you i'd be back in a couple weeks'
my father walked in, eyes puffy like a man's would be when he sees his father lifeless
his father that gave him life

as i snugged with grandma i took in the room
the dim lighting
the striped sheets
the little silver clip that held the sheet down on the in- home hospital bed
i thought,
what a lucky clip
to have the honor to provide comfort for this man's last days
i was also a little jealous of that little clip
it was witness to my grandfather's last breath
what made that clip so worthy?

then i let go of that ridiculous anger
silly anger
i lay beside my brothers watching the night turn into morning
like when we were younger
and i sneak into the liquor cabinet
grab a little whiskey
we share a drink while we bust each other's chops
hold our tears
speak our thoughts


and all the while... the world, it spins
spin spin spin

didn't stop
didn't stop at all


wish it did
wish i could stop the whole world and post a bulletin
a status update
a mass text
to every soul
just to let them know i'm here
i'm alive
because this man existed
this
one


'in a couple of weeks' my mama said
makes me think how i'm gonna fill these next couple of weeks



i miss my grandpa


i keep telling him that
i hope he can hear me
but for now, this family shows up
the whole town shows up
eats
laughs
and sings songs
all the songs that bring us home


oh grandpa
where is grandma's home now?
where is mine


i know it's natural
i know he lived a long full one
i know the body is just a vehicle, a vessel
i'm sorry
guess i'm just a little girl in that way
i wanted him to live forever
forever and ever


spin spin spin
please
stop stop stop


nope.


so i'll just curl curl curl
tuck away for awhile
hold tight my pittsburg
hold close this love flowing through this house
and sing loud enough for grandpa to hear

text

new technology
these emails and text messages
some say it loses some authenticity
maybe it does
the immediacy of it all
this 'now' society we live in
some say we need to slow it down
enjoy the flowers
process a little more before we just type some thoughtless words
and press 'send'


nevertheless
words are words
written or typed
misread or not



text received 5:22pm sunday april 18th
'grandpa stopped breathing'

you've got mail

one of those middle of the night binges i go on
already two poems in
you left not too long ago
always leaving
should be sound asleep by now
getting in your 8 hours

meanwhile
i'm soaking up feelings
my fingers trying to catch up with my thoughts
scratching new words
browsing old ones

then i clicked on my bookmark 'trol'
took me to a page that used to have your prison photograph
i used to go to it when you called so i had a visual of the voice on the other end
some times i'd just go to it to visit with you for awhile
thought some how, some way, if i was thinking of you
you'd know it
now it just leads to the general georgia prison site

it offered a 360 degree visual tour
click click and there it was
your old home
even took a peek at the kitchen floors
maybe this wasn't the one that you were in when you were working with your friend
but i imagined it was for a second
graveyard shift
saw you shooting the shit with him
bullshittin' finding things to laugh about
like life
and stupid things people do
whatever drama was going down
maybe some people you miss
some people you don't
perhaps pause every once and awhile
feeling the weight of where you're at
the heavy of what you think you were missing out on
the empty of a bleak future at the mercy of circumstance
the lack of a woman's touch wearing on your flesh
i thought i saw you behind one of those steel counters
bullshittin about what a great chef you are
or maybe even humbled a bit
learning a thing or two from a man
who you suddenly realize may be your best friend in that joint
but you don't tell him that
you just let him keep rolling words off his tongue
and you just bend that pretty lip of yours
give him a smile while slaving making slop for the other inmates
all the while a bit grateful to have a little something that reminded you of family
just bullshittin' through
loud smiles getting you through another shift
pushing till morning into a new day

probably making shit up in my head
the imagination is a silly thing
and so is writing emails at four in the morning

scoot over morning

goodbyes are the hardest
makes the hellos empty
something fragile in your eyes
something hollow in these poems

hate feeling this way
i miss you already
but i got mine, and you got yours
keep on keeping on
we're both gonna be good

but i'm not gonna lie
wish you would turn around
show up
right now
right
now



gonna lean into this for the evening
and then lean right through it till i push morning
take only the best parts of your profile
the best parts of sleeping so close

two neighborhood kids in a bed
all our silly resting on our elbows
our history asleep along our eyelashes
our eyelashes know not of all the things that separate us
make us different
make us 'not work'
our eyelashes pay no mind to our strifes
our lonely days, those deathly days
those i'm never gonna make it days


you just left
and you took my wind with you

damn

i'm not the girl, right?

i know
i know all too well

sure is a nice face to look at though
beautiful to say the least

you beat me every time

sitting in the backyard of my youth
shit talking over coronas and pipe dreams
cheap karaoke music blasts through the tv
while the mic gets ripped apart by the mouths of my adolescence

my heart beats hard for them
don't have any other way of explaining it
people may not understand it
why i choose to bring my past into my present
at all times
at all costs

i don't know
i think there comes a point in one's life
when you are nothing
absolutely the tiniest speck
you realize you could very well not exist
and no one would really know the difference
your thoughts are questioning themselves
your clothes are costumes
your shoes don't fit quite right
your own voice is stale and unusual
unfamiliar

and then there are those people
those chosen faces
or should i say, those faces who choose you
they come around
and at first, it may be new, awkward
might be some where when you were 12 or feel like you are
thoughts questioning themselves
clothes as costumes
shoes too big
voice staled
but some way, somehow
without them even knowing
they give you worth
remind you, you do exist
they make you somebody
rather than a nobody
always relearning the same damn patterns
running into the same mental locked doors
emotional breakdowns
and drunken tantrums

somehow
they heal me

so we sing louder than the shitty karaoke music
we be better than these pipe dreams
we live a little bigger in each other's presence

i know most people wouldn't understand
why i'm such an advocate of keeping my past in my present

i suppose it's just a gratitude thing
it's a human thing

so to keebs, trol, kirby, casper, ginger, love, ballerina, loyal, soprano, tb, j, heffa rest in peace, sweet trust and all the homies before and after

thank you
for keeping me real
having my back
this heart is forever yours

thank you
and if for nothing else
thank you for sitting in the backyard with me
it's always good seeing your face

we be grown ups now
but i think its safe to say
i'll see you for years to come

shit talking over coronas and pipe dreams
cheap karaoke blasting out of tv speakers
ripping adolescence out of microphones
i have a feeling
we'll always be sitting in the backyard of our youth together
always and forever
forever and ever

it's gotta be this way
otherwise my heart wouldn't beat this hard

sexy pattern

i want to ignore what just happened
erase it all together
don't even want to acknowledge it
but that's not my style

it did happen
it is happening

i just wanted to hold you for awhile
cause i thought i saw a glimpse of forever in your smile
wanted to stand beside you
feel your shine inside of me
i ain't gonna lie, i wanted to document my name between your legs
get these knees a little dirty along the side of your ribs
run my fingers through your hair and hold your heart in this palm
rock side to side till we found our perfect calm

but i know it's all a pipe dream
i'm destined for something else
settling for the loudest holler
the entitled ones, the one's who think they're the new hot shit
they're beyond the boundaries of my family
think they can hang with all my soul's memories
tailgate on this psuedo hollywood fame
which one is audacious enough to take a chance on the girl with four brothers
attempt to sign up to be my father's fifth son
my mother's new pride
the ones that learn to accept my birth defects
the ones that try to swoon me with their cheesy ass texts
the ones that see me as a challenge to get to
not a person
not me
and then inevitably they eventually do see me for me
and by that time it's too late
because i'm exhausted
and that's when i leave
that's my sexy little pattern

meanwhile always longing for that guy
the one that 'respects you so much i would never'
'loves you so much i could never ever'
the guy that just is, so perfect in his imperfections
me and him out of each other's jurisdictions
serving each other as no more than a distraction
bonding because of some old school back in the day interactions
i know i'm old ass
got no qualms with that
i get it
you wanna be sleezy, you wanna be free
you wanna figure it all out, you wanna chill
you want a girl, you don't
you wanna be knocked off your feet
instead you knock me off mine
and what is left?
two friends in a car
one pining for the other
and the other letting the other down softly
respectfully, as a gentleman does

so in the interim i bide my time with these tiny words and these little hopes
knowing that you're out there with some other undeserving chick leaving me to just cope

like a big girl
that's what i do
always