carmen

another round
falling deeper into each other
making a fool out of myself
but laughing all the while
just can't stop smiling
and i won't pull my eyes away

i like your jeans
wanna dust them off with a kiss
wanna get a little closer
wanna see you see me
so i can read the thoughts in your head
i can see me walking through the walls of your mind
opening doors and getting deeper into you



and then i get interrupted
by the monotonous workday tasks
have to go
as we do have to sometimes
feelings come and feelings go
last calls send us home

fuji revisited

mount fuji comes to visit me again while my eyelids are encouraging me to sleep
there were seven of us that day, that night
after double shows for some, we came off the train, welcomed by rain
yes there were seven
and one was offered horse as a snack
and snacks we wished we had more of
cause at midnight we began and by nine
it was the snacks we were out of
it was down the trail pointed
while we were hauling up
it was up when she fell to her knees, vowing she couldn't go on
it was a rock and a beagle and a cellphone without reception that made her weep
and it was my love and i who waited patiently for emotion to pass her

it was three bags he carried
mine, hers and his
actually two more, my ass and hers
he said it was "beautiful at the top"
he said "15 minutes left"

my love kept pushing us up rocks for two more hours
at the top it was gray
at the top we saw everything and
nothing
it was 1:30 and there was no bus
i still hear the cab drivers laughing
and i feel my ankles are weak
i fear i will die in Japan

it was rocks we climbed down
yes, rock climbing i beleive it's called
and there, yes tight there is the edge of the mountain calling my name
"go on" i say "i'll be fine"
"find some food or water" i say please go, i'm fine
then i tripped
i met a boulder that day
i visited the three year old inside of me
because it was there on that boulder, that boulder and i wept like i was three
wept isn't the word
no wined and moaned and cried and tantrumed

then god came in the form of a japanese man
yes it was him that helped me without words
get my face off the boulder who had by then became my"blankie"
he lead me back to my clan, my posse
it was god who came to visit again
and gave gifts of gloves and biscuits and the bulldozer trail
it was the side of the mountain my friend fell off of to meet us
it was a biscuit he ate whole
it was pain our bodies were in
yes pain
hunger desperation
we had to hitch hike that night
cause there were no taxis
cause, as we were informed just a few hours prior, tourist season had ended two days ago
there was no food water transportation tourist hiking sticks other people because "tourist season" had ended TWO DAYS AGO

and it just don't stop

trying to escape the pressure in the middle of my chest
in a race against the sting behind my eyes
forking out all the times your pillow was my breast
holding on to me with your faithful lies

fighting off you for awhile
all the while waiting for that smile

pictures never tell the whole story
just the parts you want to remember
the yelling the screaming the glory
that one night in december

oh my guilty pleasures!
and i know i'm the only juror in this trial
i'm aware of my little disasters
consistantly choosing my sweet denial

found evidence on scraps of paper
convincing myself of some truth
but there's none of that here
not anymore, just a fool and her liar

fighting off you for awhile
all the while waiting for that smile

fuck your phone call and your 'how've you been?'
real dandy. good enough to hold up my chin.
how 'bout, where the fuck did you put my heart?
did you leave it in the gutter somewhere carelessly
or did you give it somebody else? probably

good job mr. man.
good smile.
good style.
triumphant do you stand?
without fail, there you are again.

sweet nothings on the back of a penske truck

my head got beat in by pictures i couldn't capture with a digital camera
being because, i don't own one

but i do own my last moments in ny
last at least for awhile
the walls will be painted over
and so will this face
with other colors eyeliner and tears
with new goodbyes, old hellos

what a trend

honesty feels good

living without boundaries in the comfort of love
the witness of familiar and the poetry of the unknown

give me a kiss of the unexpected and i promise it will be lived out
it will be documented and kept secure in the picture bank of my mind

i won't forget
it's not in my nature

courage

it all happens so quickly
but not quick enough
i find myself editting before i even finish a line
but that's not me
i've opted to look down at these keys
while i imprint my ache on this page

what is here
so much
there is so much

trembling now because sometimes the words don't tell enough
the song can't bring it enough
the heart is incapable of enough beats to beat into my head that it is okay to let go


enough with enough
the inadequacies of life can have you spinning till you are drowning gasping for air
but its there, just breathe

there is fucking air for the whole lot of us
but we deny ourselves, we consistantly choose suffocation
how comfortable
like a cozy lazboy that you can't figure out how to sit up in again so there you lay
always looking up, can't see a damn thing in front of you, losing track of the time of day
just get the fuck up

breathe

breathe in all the pain and anxiety
the nervous giddies and the eruptions
laugh your brains out
and when you give someone a hug
do it with the photos of that person's soul wrapped around both arms
when you meet someone give them a hand shake of a thousand more hellos to come
because who the fuck knows?

all these people are witnesses to your life
you are a witness to theirs
how can that be invalidated, dismissed?
we are made to fuck and feel and fight get bloody ugly
and forgive be humbled
then feel again


breaking down these words in my head, my shoulders go limp and my eyelids drop deeper
into my gut of anticipation for sleep, for road trips, for travel, for being here
right here, taking it all in and feeling it all come so quickly

and letting it all go

yet another revolution

got an emotion for every picture on this page
a poem for each face
got this song swimming in my head
searching, scratching, looking for a space
and i'm afraid i won't have enough to give
like when i really need them, the words won't come
or when i'm really needed, i'll be numb
from feeling something
anything
so sad these days, masking yourself behind forced pleasantries
i greive these days, waiting for a little honesty
i watch these days pass
bills get paid
people get laid
testing hellos
hating goodbyes
another revolution around the sun, so fast these days pass

but i still wait for you
come around and share your undeniables
it's why we know eachother
it is why we recognize one another
in a world of unfamiliar, in the days of ultimate cool
we stand naked

a note from the other side of the world

got henna on my hand and my granpop on my mind
on two lane streets heading straight on into a jeepney
the ink has been a little silent but not lifeless
never without life
heat comes to visit daily here in the philippines
from manila to baguio, stop over in iba for some local perspective
become a ninang, that is a "godmother" in tagalog

see my mother laugh laugh laughing
loud smiles fill the air of palinkis and swimming pools
my father at ease, curious-
curiousity is possible at any age

auntie nita, same old auntie nita
she's got a hug for every tear you cry in life
grandma got a prayer for each one of those tears
tita elsie got a purse for all my pretty
and miles got all the kisses for my thoughts that float around my head

no words really come when experience takes over
trying too hard to speak their language or my language the blah blah blah
where is the bathroom?
salamat po.
then it all becomes tagalish
one language
one smile, that's for sure

grandma wants more great grand children
uncle chet reaches for his new son jonathon
ma keeps laughing at pops
and pops keeps laughing at ma
and we listen for where those kost 103.5 hits are coming from
on a beach in my ma's home province
singing red red wine, drinking red red wine

we keep taking shortcuts that don't seem like shortcuts
just roads lined with little girls like me with no shoes
grown men with missing teeth
women missing toes sometimes
and little boys pissing on the street
and the dogs keep coming out, one looking worst then the last
is there a humane society around these parts?
our driver doesn't quite understand the question

the craziest part so far was staying at the penninsula
four star hotel
let's pretend for awhile there is no such thing as cold showers or dirt
pollotion and poverty
maybe we can stay here long enough that it will all dissappear
and the philippines will just be a great vacation getaway
we won't have to go outside and look into the loca'ls eyes and see ourselves

more to come, come another internet cafe
they're not as common here, slow connections
slowing everything down to just enjoy the living, mourn the dead,
respect your elders and eat some pancit
while listening to those soft hits the whole world knows