fuck off

done playing nice
always trying to communicate
diplomatic pathetic
walking around righteous
no more babysitters
not even for me
it's humiliating
and it hurts
if you don't believe in me just say it
make it public
because guess what
i don't believe in me either
so let's stop pretending
with the pretty la la la
and the auto tune recordings
and the bullshit stale feelings of yesterday
wasted
wasted life
wasted words
who gave a fuck really about those tears
who was there in that hospital room watching life breeathe less
who remembered what it was all about
just to forget again
i want to punch these keys hurt
make it hurt
make them cry so they can remember what they once were
once upon a time
cause once upon a time...
once upon a time there were so many shut doors
and now they're open with coonditions
always conditions
but i remember that boy
that one boy that one time
two creeps on a couch
two singers in a room
poets weeping for better tomorrows
but that was yesterday
and today it's babysitting duty
and i can't afford one anymore
can't afford to be one anymore








so fill me up with something new
some new rant
some new life
i want to excape somwwhere in a forest
let everyone go
and sleep for days
and live for days
and die
over and over again




i want iwant iwant iwant i want
to just be left alone

shit came pouring out

have seen it lately
i'm looking for my sanity
don't want to play nice nice
got a load of laundry
clean but i can't even put away
always clean
but always messy
fucking drive me up the wall with your constructive criticism
what i should be doing
what i can be doing
i can
i can
i am
i am
i'm reaching out for something to hold
it's not there
just vomit from a day old cigarette
i feel sorry for my dog
watching me whither away
fucking crap

her

myspace.com/shopgirlmusic


go listen.
wrote a little something for your ear.
for mine, too, whenever i forget.


and something for my friend.

only one way up

shut up
get up
shut up
get up


i'm screaming at myself in the mirror
and the mirror is you
fuck the poetry
fuck singing the blues


shut up
get up
shut up
get up


stop the silent default
living in that mind cult
i've had about enough of not enough
stop asking me what i want


shut up
you get up
you get the fuck up


this is no self help piece
chicken noodle soup
feel better soon on another fucking day
a p & j sandwich to make you more cozy


shut up
get up


fill your fucking cup
damn it
have the courage to fill it
feel it
and deal with it


these stupid nothings
letters jumbled
fucking had it
don't like it
stop asking me the same fucking question

price paid

you stole my angst
answered the door
let me in
said leave your longing now
sing this song with me now

but out on the doorstep lay all my words
out on the doorstep was all my world
the world made in place of you
the world created because of you

but now here i am
and it's hard to remember all the devices
it's easy to cover up all these slices
of my soul
damaged and broken
sewn together and healed
scarred and forgotten

but i guess there's no need to remember
all the bruises
all the denied knocks
unimportant details of yesteryears and days
as long as there is today
so happy and gay
yes so happy and gay

with my head low
looking for something i lost
feeling my wallet lacking doe
never knowing the the cost

one

how do you measure a year
i'm feeling my heart pump a bit faster
trying to hold on to each day
recalling each moment since ella jay


it's hard you know
to keep it all
hold it all in your pocket
save it and treasure it like an heirloomed locket
like that night at a table when all was surrendered
all our prayers answered
their guards and mine, our judgments let go
the night we abandoned our shadows
finally seeking refuge in kin
our salvation shared by skin
but i try, to hold it all
and i hope for you, i survive it all
all these realizations
living through revelations
learning through the mistakes of adolescence
finding salvation in a new-born's lessons
looking side to side and counting my blessings


it is our family you gave me
a year ago today
challenging our hearts to understanding
reminding our souls of forgiving


i don't believe in coincidence
some sort of luck-stroked brilliance
i don't believe it's all planned out either
some preconceived lingering prior
but i do know faith
faith will always provide a way
and for all this suffering
for all this yearning
it brought us you, ella jay


you've surprised me already, little one
with your strength and your glory
you've already stunned me, little one
with your miracle
and the miracle you put in place
rebuilding this family space
your young grace
that little face
reuniting this lost girl
with her blood world
and as if that wasn't enough
dreams coming true of "together again" and love
i am blessed to be your god mother
and to think-- all i really wanted was to hug my brother


you're an amazing gift
one of those good life shifts
a mark of creation
a spark of reason
to confront old stories and new
memories of cold winter blues
and lonely summer hues
hope renewed
seven torn years ended
starting with you


how do you measure a year
by the hand you discover
figuring out how to be a crawler
finding your feet and falling down
taking a sleep and wearing a frown
each new step at a time
each new little dust ball you find
that's how you measure a year
day by day
growing beside ella jay

you forgot to pack your pillow

wouldn't it be nice to come home from work to a beautiful man
chit- chat all small talk- like till we doze off to that dreamland
sometimes wrapped around his body, sometimes just hand in hand
drifting off on a lullaby...
the perfect song of his steady breath keeping time with that unfaltering fan
with half eyes i'll watch his chest rise and fall
his arms and legs sprawled
and my quiet sighs...
just rejoicing
not attempting to decipher dreaming
reality
beautiful you
laying next to little ole me
letting me just be
letting you just sleep
so sweet

don't forget love
how much we fit love
don't forget love
how much i miss love

so nice the days and nights beside this beautiful man
if only, someday i hope, i pray he understands
i'm not forever and neither is he
but at least we have now
all these mornings bowed
when i come home from work
and you're gentle smirk
as i join you in bed, hand in hand
and that unfaltering fan
till illuminated is our apartment
rush hour traffic interrupting silent
and this finally rested soul wakes beside him
and sees itself--
a mirror of good wishes
a heart of gold trinkets
something to put in your pocket
under your pillow for safe- keeping
all those in the moment sweet nothings

but, i know, nothings meant to last
indeed, moments are left behind so fast
in your absence i feel it
while so far from your skin
reality shifts
... but every once and again
out of my pocket
under my pillow
is all our forevers
i take them out, just for awhile, to remember

don't forget love
how much we fit love
don't forget love
how much i miss love