tears without a destination

29 years deep and some change
my head feels like it's gonna explode
all these swollen tears without a destination
patrolling fears without any action

cause i can't do anything
and i'm so used to doing something
fixing things
making things
patching it all up
sewing the pieces back together
auntie nana's kisses ain't gonna make it all better this go around
grandma's hug ain't gonna mend this boo boo
ma's grilled cheese and chicken noodle soup ain't gonna make the pain subside
pop's emotion ain't gonna make better this empty
it scares me

grandpa's silent last words to me be the largest sound
grandpa you got this chin to this chest bowing down
praying for some truth

cause i really got my knees dirty this time
and i think this time i ventured a little out of my range
i'm a little lost
i know you probably expected more from me
being that i am 29 years deep and some change

it's just that little girl in me i guess
the one that refuses to grow up
the one that still takes comfort in immortality
fairytales and fantasies
happily ever after
blissfully forever laughter
give me a squeeze now
for the trillion squeezes never to come
make my hands dance, like when i was 2
you and me we sway and we hum
for now i suppose they are lullabies
melodies so sweet you baptize me
marked me a basco
stamped me some many years ago

then came sunday
oh holy day
oh sorrow
you sleep
so much peace
watching over us from heaven
97
and i be 29 years deep
your spirit i try to keep



in other news,
my dog giant went missing a couple days ago
the downey PD said they collected a beagle yesterday morning
hit by a car
they disposed of him before i could go verify if it was my new york
my snuggle buddy
my hiking partner
my hungry little crawler
my unconditional love
my little man
my constant man
my road trip companion
one of my best friends
guess they didn't see all that when they found him on the cement that day
they didn't know that corpse belonged to someone
this family
then again, i don't know if that beagle was mine for sure

leaves me a little more lost
if that's even possible
for a person to be even more lost



if it was giant
on that median helplessly lying there
wanting so badly to come home
broken and in pain
alone and cold
if that was my little giant heart
i can only hope that he found you grandpa
and he's keeping you company up there
give heather and grandpa abasta and auntie pat and alberto a kiss from me too
let giant know i'm sorry for not being there for him
and grandpa
i know i'm 29 years deep and change already
but i promise
i promise
i will try to live as courageously as you did
create a life to be proud of
you leave me no choice
though this bruised life be aching
i have the footsteps of greatness to fill
i can't swear i will
but i swear i will die trying