sexy pattern

i want to ignore what just happened
erase it all together
don't even want to acknowledge it
but that's not my style

it did happen
it is happening

i just wanted to hold you for awhile
cause i thought i saw a glimpse of forever in your smile
wanted to stand beside you
feel your shine inside of me
i ain't gonna lie, i wanted to document my name between your legs
get these knees a little dirty along the side of your ribs
run my fingers through your hair and hold your heart in this palm
rock side to side till we found our perfect calm

but i know it's all a pipe dream
i'm destined for something else
settling for the loudest holler
the entitled ones, the one's who think they're the new hot shit
they're beyond the boundaries of my family
think they can hang with all my soul's memories
tailgate on this psuedo hollywood fame
which one is audacious enough to take a chance on the girl with four brothers
attempt to sign up to be my father's fifth son
my mother's new pride
the ones that learn to accept my birth defects
the ones that try to swoon me with their cheesy ass texts
the ones that see me as a challenge to get to
not a person
not me
and then inevitably they eventually do see me for me
and by that time it's too late
because i'm exhausted
and that's when i leave
that's my sexy little pattern

meanwhile always longing for that guy
the one that 'respects you so much i would never'
'loves you so much i could never ever'
the guy that just is, so perfect in his imperfections
me and him out of each other's jurisdictions
serving each other as no more than a distraction
bonding because of some old school back in the day interactions
i know i'm old ass
got no qualms with that
i get it
you wanna be sleezy, you wanna be free
you wanna figure it all out, you wanna chill
you want a girl, you don't
you wanna be knocked off your feet
instead you knock me off mine
and what is left?
two friends in a car
one pining for the other
and the other letting the other down softly
respectfully, as a gentleman does

so in the interim i bide my time with these tiny words and these little hopes
knowing that you're out there with some other undeserving chick leaving me to just cope

like a big girl
that's what i do
always