answer please

what do you want me to do
what the fuck do you want
tell me
what do you want from me

red bull and rain

that was a good one
aww snap
ok pull the fucking plug
turn up the lights
draw the curtain
best fucking show ever
packed with good ones
aw shit
so good
amazing
knocked my fucking socks off
unbelievable
no really
unbelievable

am i going to die soon?
seriously
is the end near?
is there really going to be more?
i mean, yes, for you, the world
yes, please
wouldn't want anything less
but maybe i'm at the end?
because man
this song is fucking taking me places
your words
your actions
always taking me somewhere
i feel things on this very heightened plane
i got wings or something
and i fly through you
i fly in you
i'm a constant wound
a bank always open
if you bank with me
you're pretty much rich
i'll never close your account, apparently
withdraw withdraw withdraw
no deposits neccessary
i kinda feel like closing shop
demolishing the building
start a new business in the sky
on that other plane
fly fly away please
sing my favorite songs as i go
sing them loud like i always wanted you to
it'll make my journey more bearable

hope it's loaded

not even close to done in this marathon of marathons
i'm leaping through pain like a phoenix rising from the ashes of burnt dreams
washed up hopes somewhat recognizable
somewhere back when
i've seen it before, i know it
this seashell, this ocean
this scene
yeah
yes
i remember love asshole
i lived it every fucking 3 minutes
every second minute was regret
every minute was faith
now the minutes are getting all crazy on me
my ratio is all fucked
my stomach is all flipped
are you serious right now?
oh man!
man oh man oh man
this is one of those life changing moments, ain't it?
and it's not the grand finale, is it?
shhhhiiiiiiiiiiiit
what a day
what a life
i'm in a band now brother
wrote a piece here brother
i'm a blonde now brother
still have one ear brother
i found something called feelings brother
i've seen death now brother
seen a little bit of the world brother
drove a penske truck cross country brother
i lost some teeth brother
busted my knee in brooklyn brother
almost drowned in canada brother
climbed mount fuji brother
i got mugged in brazil brother
i got mugged on santa monica blvd brother
by you brother
and now brother
are you trying to give back what you so suddenly stole?
just shoot already
just fucking shoot

6.27.99 * 1.27.06

compassion is dying
and so are my eyes behind these heavy lids
my heart is on a yo-yo
and, um, excuse me
would you mind NOT playing basketball with my head?

thank you
makes it hard to--- well, live, if you will
just live
it gets very difficult
very interesting
but difficult, no less
and i was kind of hoping for a take- five soon
aren't you thirsty?
don't you need to sleep or take a leak?
i mean jeez!
what's a girl gotta do to get her fucking head back?

accept cut fry grow dye lean into it rebound out of bounds roll away roll back deflate inflate pop tape up sand off good as new but old as old

i love this shit
who am i
c'mon!
who am i
oh. of coarse.
arianna

yes, arianna, indeed
i can what?
right
right
i can take it

bring it, was it?

when you unravel a tulip and a morning's shadow. wanna marry me now?

we both ended up on the couch tonight
broken souls
withering away
night by night
day by day
hers by a man
mine by men
her
oh well
i can take it
resilence, right?
yeah, all that milk shit i always talk about
all that, this too shall pass
so pass on days
go right ahead
i'm fucking depleted
how did i get here
right
day by day
night by night
fucking hilarious
comedy at it's finest
c'mon
come sing with me in the rain
throw me around the room a bit and let's make those bad decisions
i'll dance by myself on the floor
i don't give a fuck
i'm jamming
i don't know what to all the time
but you'll see me
i'll be out there
grooving to the tune
of my own music
hell yeah!!
cruising on those waves of dreams
floating on those melodies
taking the blows as they come
right now they got me winded on the couch
but don't you wrinkle your slip skirt over it
oh no no no
i'll be up again
yep
maybe from the back
you'll be watching me walk away
or if you can handle it
coming up on you head on
a hug or a hit
don't know
living in the moment sweetheart
don't expect miracles from me
you should know, though
you should have an educated guess prepared
and be prepared to duck
chances are i'll beat the shit out of you
and give you a hug too
that's just my style

don't worry, you have time
i'll be on this couch for a few more hours, i'm sure
so calm i'll be
meditating before the storm
who am i kidding?
the forecast has not changed much for some time now
so fuck it
do your inventory
and watch your back
i'm that monster under your bed
are you laughing?
i know
me
a monster
but i am
you have no idea
i am right here
i am ready

i promise i'll only hit you as tight as i'm gonna hug you
i'll only hurt you as much as i love you

good bye my foes

it's on
gonna do this
this life is living out loud now
fuck you and your waiting
now bitches
stop pretending
you in or out
you don't fuck with this anymore
be here or don't
no more assholes
no more
no more free fucking rides
i understand
i get it
fuck that
now assholes
say it now
do it now
show up
or don't even bother telling people you know me
cause i don't care anymore
i don't care
i don't care
fuck you
i don't know if you can hear exactly how these words are coming across in my head
so i'll say it again
fuck you
you in or out
stop pretending
are you friend
or foe
jump in or get the fuck out of my way
fucking tired of you
do you know me
do you
then know better
show up
step up

that's what i thought

have a good one
good bye

...a comedy of errors

there's this knot retying itself
retying itself
and it's getting larger
and i don't know if i'll be able to keep walking

you are disabling me
and you
remember
are not allowed to hurt me
and you
remember
do not validate me

but i just heard something
that's making me twitch a bit
news that only you could create
only you could top

so you're coming back
reclaim what's yours
we've only been waiting
for seven damn years

fine, 6 1/2

i moved, you know
i grew, you know
i fucking needed you, you know
but i figured
well, you know, i must be wrong
i figured, you must be right
(God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change)
then i figured, i figure i have to do this on my own
(the courage to change the things i can)
and that's just what i did
(and the wisdom to know the difference)
just did it

so what, am i suppose to cry
already done
be shocked
yep
be happy
sure
be pissed
absafuckinglutely

FUCK YOU

i lived this
for fucking eternities now
i fucking toasted to it
shit on it
loved on it
wished on it
prayed when i didn't even believe in praying anymore
i blessed it
i regretted it
fucking felt that in every deep cement crack i could
sink my foot into
every ny block, la freeway
every pillow and sheet
every flight, every picture
every memory assholes
every single one
i dreamt on that shit long after
you were at peace with it
you had it "handled"
you had me handled
you let me go
do you remember that?
you talked mean shit
kicked me
stomped me
i'm scattered along these freeways from here
to the philippines
ma's albums
pop's readjusting to living in a house full of woman
memories of those feelings
that a little sister has
of just wanting to fit
just wondering why she was born with one ear
she was the only girl
she was always the drama queen
"acting out"
and now i'm just wondering
why am i left out again

so you're coming back
reclaim what's yours
we've only been waiting
for seven damn years

fine, 6 1/2

you're doing it again
breaking my heart
i don't believe it
see, and i'm already doing it
i'm asking you, how am i suppose to feel

and they were so silently rejoicing as they told me the news
it was brilliant
y'all had dinner and discussed it
a family dinner, at that
wonderful how i was not invited
well, ofcoarse.
arianna will be handled later
separately

always separately
it's my best pair of jeans
my best fashion
ain't nobody like her

i know i'm suppose to embrace this
but i'm sliding one hand into a boxing glove
and the other in brass knuckles
and fangs are beginning to pertrude from the sides of my mouth right under my lip
and i'm kinda ready to rip people another fucking asshole
i' kinda the girl with no expectations
but i'm kinda expecting dozens upon dozens of roses
some lilys too, just in case i don't like roses
i'm expecting a letter, a poem, a song, a painting, collage, an album, movie
hands and knee shit
forgive me please shit
because for fuck's sake! throw me a fucking bone already

you hurt me fucking bad

so bad
so fucking bad that this piece right here
doesn't even have to be a piece
ain't poetry, ain't poetic
got poems upon poems upon
all you
words stacking on words i could have built a new skyline

so far from my friend
so far from being my brothers
blood ain't a snap of the finger
it's a gift given
you didn't want it
you had some fucked up surgery
to get it extricated from your system
it ain't gonna be an easy proccess to pump it back into you
hell no
you fucked up

you fucked up
and i'm supposed to give you little sister sparkled eyes
be there and help you through this
support you
love you
give you a hug and a song
make you feel better
these fangs are beginning to draw blood along my jawline
and i'm weeping whips at your hearts from my eyes
cause shame on you
shame on you
to take so lightly
so boldly
so righteously
my body and mind
shake me so aggressively
move around all my insides
rearrange my whole life
take it away
make me find a new
build me from the fucking dirt
build this family fuckheads
help give it a reason to keep going
i was four boys and a daughter while you've been gone
check the fucking books
the timecards and the schedule
fuck. you. assholes.
where have you been
where do you think you're going
what the fuck
?????????????????????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????????????
?????????????????????????
?????????
?

it's pounding
i want to tear you
fuck you up
get ghetto with bats
in an alley
razor blades in our hair
fucking call the homies
and jump you
but just me
they'll just round up
just so you don't run
fucking stand there and take it like a man
feel 365 days times 6 and then some
fucking leap years too
every fucking day
every fucking day
AUUAUAURRRRRUAURRRRRRARUGHGHHHARHHHHGUGGGUHHHARG!
that's a roar bitches
a roar

a happy dream

wrote a song for you
wanted to tell you all that was in me
it was you
just you

you're not here to hear
all i want to tell you
got melodies
singing for me

but it's just me
on this couch
where are you
why not now

i get it
i understand
but so beautiful this man
so beautiful

but it's just me
on this couch
where are you
why not now

so the kiss is this
only in a yesterday dress
but i keep putting it in on
keep wearing this song

but it's just me
on this couch
where are you
why not now

come back and pick this up
take it with you
i won't ask you to stay
won't wonder why you don't want to
just take it
i can't be responsible
who wants this feeling
if it's not allowed to feel

it's just me
on this couch
where are you
why not now

like 7/11 always open

it's hard to believe that one day
that one day
those many days
he was in me
like literally inside
like poetically inside
now his mugshot
that's all i get
a letter sometimes
where is my homeboy trol?
my sunday night lover
my something dirty in clean

saw your brother the other night
we shot the shit about
well, you know
back in the days
virgin days
not so virgin days

feel like you're not the only one locked up for the next 15 years
you're holding some of my memories only you and i were present for
what the fuck, eric?
we were suppose to grow out of that shit
it's supposed to be funny

went to that burger spot on the corner
craving chili cheese fries
i got there and realized i was just craving you
i could have sworn i saw you
13 and smoking a cigarette
rocking those jeans
that striped shirt
a bit over-sized
with your hair done back a bit
where is that kid

i hear in georgia these days
barely seeing light
that wasn't the future
was it?

fuck.
i'm thinking audrey.
thinking casper.
thinking nicole.
thinking eric.

how do my days amount to this
and yours that?

what the fuck!

and then no days
what the fuck heather?

come back y'all
let's have a bbq in downey
eat lumpia and drink red red wine
you can sleep in my closet
jump through my window
knock over the candles
i'll clean 'em up
distract my ma as you run out the back door
write love letters on my wall
we'll take pictures with the disposable
walk over to 7/11, grab a slurpee
c'mon let's do this already
come back assholes
hurry up and come back

c'mon! fuck up your hair a bit

sometimes i just have to write
i have to write so hardcore for all that is unsaid
all that has been said 10,000 times over
i don't give a fuck

no, that's just it
i give too much a fuck
i give the fucking fuck
i have potty mouth and i could give more than care less
i care
about you
remember that
i'm crying now thinking of your face
happy liquid
nasty pain liquid
so salty these days
let me change change change

into something more comfortable
let's throw each other around the room a bit
let's swallow and digest
linger on our taste
propelling us forward
remember inspiration
you better remember inspiration
i do
that's why i'm still living
you
keep
me

and i got you
got your back
right beside you love
i'll slit my wrist before you go down
i'm not gonna watch you die
i'll be gone first
i promise you that
i promised you me

miles

i want to tell you about a man
adoring and true
stood beside me while i walked in blue
stuck around to completely understand

the ways of this lady
her corky itches when she was tired
her endless ramblings when she was wired
listened to her hopes, sat beside her in her melancholy

so every once and awhile there was eruption
frustration and pain
some days he wanted to strangle me
some days he just wanted love

so down and down i turned him
and up and up he lifted me
sexiest woman in the room
best dance i ever had

have you ever seen us?
it's like coffee and carrot cake
red bull and rain
we fit like nobody's business
you wouldn't believe it till you saw it with your own eyes

you want to watch love?
watch us when that song plays
take notes

he opens the door
let's me go first
calls when he gets in
asks me to call when i get to where i'm going
makes sure i'm safe

let's me hurt
let's me silly
let's me danger
let's me pretty

no worries he had
regarding me holding my own
rocking my shit and singing out loud
always for me, applauding proud

we climbed a mountain
fought the doubts
we went to brazil with no plan
for a month, just a back pack and my man

yesterdays
such dreams
radiators and the new york machine
everything then so far but so close

remember handcuffs and chairs
fire escapes and an acting class
la bleeding toes
naked italian visitor
naked me
at brunch in a bungalow
us in the snow
a rhinebeck hill
a canada swim
let's drive to baltimore and eat chocolate
let's go the the upper eastside and have brie

the philippines remembers us
as does stickles and brooklyn
the place we saved giant
that little beagle in the window
the tuna melts miss me
the flying saucer has crashed

doing laundry with the neighborhood
on a cold as death day
on a humid as hell day
tow away stickers obnoxiously placed all over your ma's car
told you, you can't park there

carrying our bikes up and down four flights
red rooster nights in the west village
having a beer with heather

pizza pizza pizza
grimaldi's was and always will be the best
or pasta noodles at home
babe, that shit is too hot
always did love my crushed red pepper

such a yesterday

the shower in the kitchen
the busted pipe
the flooded basement
the timbered tree
tom's restraunt and gyoza
the mice
the rats
roaches and hallways
the talks
the conversations
forever, remember?
forever that day, sure was

wow

was i there? was that me?

dinner parties
cooking
cleaning
crying
throwing up
falling
loving
canopy secrets
puppy eyes
taxi cabs
subway trains
leaving for the day
with everything we need
drums
shoes
clothes
hats
books
pens
was that me?
would we recognize us on a crowded street?

could we have packed us up with life in any other way?
in our fashion, always
in our way has always been the only way

the rules

feel like i owe you a proper explanation
an accurate breakdown in the laws of attraction
a precise guidline, insight for that girl
a picture perfect world

casual sex is never casual
for a woman you enter
you leave
there is always hope
possibility
in every word
every touch
that you may stay
you might be seeking forever
at least forever today

we all appreciate special
treating us like number 1 will always win you points
even if we're not
in the now, just do it
let us be first
give us amazing
we'll give it right back to you

give us music and sweet nothings
participate in loud smiles
let us know when we are in you
everyone likes to be thought of
acknowledged

when you feel it, go ahead
you have permission
say it
do it
we'll let you know when you're off
we'll let you know when it's perfect

we really don't give a fuck about how many days you wait to call
sex on the first date or the tenth
we care about shit like sincerety
honesty
truth
we believe in song lyrics
butterflies and twinkles

we're freaks who love
our hearts our on our lips
we'll dance in your living room naked
if you let us
if we feel safe

we'll always remember you

all that being said
no
in my book i don't fuck with my girl's ex lovers
i don't fuck my lover's friend
can't say i'm perfect, there has been overlap
there have been brothers and wild nights, wild life
exceptions due to age and circumstance
but the greatest exception, which cancels it being an exception at all
is love

love will always be accepted in the end
no matter how fucked the story went
special and all, butterflies like balls
rolling over to the next lady, the next dude
and if you both choose to watch them fly
so be it
i always give my blessings to those who can appreciate a good butterfly
really love it, truly always

vertigo

i'm biting my lip slightly
shifting my hip, left to right
got juice for your mouth
got a twinkle for your cry
so well you lie
a smile as we watch it die

i'm feeling my southern lips swell
pounding screaming for your thrust
flip me over and crash into me from the back
give my blonde a tug
run your palm over my nipple and hug
when your tip is deeper then deep
give me those half opened eyelids of delight
throw my legs over your shoulders and push
grab on tight from the side
and say shit like it feels so good
it feels so right

just long enough so i believe
just long enough for the high
riding a shooting star
making love to vertigo

you enter
you exit
so grace me with your presence
lick her there
keep doing it just like that
grip my outer thigh
make my inner quiver
i'll be that one night
so much fun, so nice

i'll bite my lip slightly
and tilt my head back
as you pull in and park it
kick it for a minute or two
you come to muffle sensations into my pillows
making plans for the future with your tongue
i'll soak your face, fill the hollow
do pirouettes around your waist
document my name between your legs
take you up
until you burst
bring you down
to a rest
exhale plans on my breast
you're safe here
your home is my chest

another city
come another pussy
another story
come another lay

the kiss is different
but it's enough
'she'll let me hold her after
she'll join me in laughter
and let me leave when i want
live in the now, right?
that's what you said'
you'll say

you'll always throw back what i said
so listen up to this one
hold that girl tighter
fuck her till your blue in the cheeks
she's good, you got the best in town
you're the happiest man alive
you are so happy

you'll always throw back what i said
you'll always throw back what i said
you'll say

love is in the air

yep, do it again
it's been said
i'll take it
as is, as it were

so fuck the music
pass it on to another ear
another face

i told you already
i'm looking for someone
be in the now with me
be here
right here

wait, i'm taking it back
i'm not looking
it all just happens
everyday

i'm free game
a freak show
and a bottle of whiskey
a safe place
just a friend
a secret and a curse

cough up your lung
and blame it on me
take the pill for that headache
jack off and release me

i'm crawling through you
yesterday and today
tomorrow and in a dream
i'm everywhere it seems

no need to remember
when i'm right there
fucking you again
and again
and
again

withdrawl

and this is how we are ending 2005, jumping into 2006
i can see it now
i get it
we're all making room for the unknown
abandoning what was
abandoning comfortable
watching death occur
allowing things to just be
even though i hate it at times
even though i may have said it
and i'm now gonna have to eat it

so alone together
us friends gather
taking new steps
painting new pictures
unsure of what it all means
sitting at this dinner table
a meal is abrewing in the kitchen
and we're scared out of our panties
it's not the usual this time
and i don't know how i'm gonna take it
you might throw it up
he might be allergic
she might get food poisoning
or it might be alright
might even enjoy it

another revolution around the sun
without her this time
without the security of last year
security of memories that made me
so today
right... right...
all these days put together make a month
make a year
make a life
everyday is the same
but not at all
crazy how that works

it's like watching a child grow everyday
and oneday looking at a picture
how different they look
and you didn't even notice

i'm trying to be strong
listening to these songs
making the intangible touchable, readable

so we sit around talking boody calls and little black books
needing someone to smash, fuck and run
fuck and love
and i say
i just want someone to live in the now with
right now

the food is up and coming out soon
let me know what you think
i'll let you know how mine is

taking a swim

yeah it's like there's this pipe in my ceiling
it just burst
came crashing down through my chest
you exploded and fell in me
all over me
across my being
from fingertip to knee
elbow to feet
and i'm trying to hold on
i'm trying to grab liquid
but i can't keep water

and i know i should call a plumber
i know it should be fixed
but i was thinking
maybe it'll be okay
maybe i can fill my cup with you
maybe i can freeze it so it's tangible
so you're real
maybe i don't need any repairs at all
i could just let it fall
but i can't freeze it
i'm too warm
and i can't stay here all day
surrendering to this while you're not here
counting blindly to the next day when you're near

i'm sitting under a busted pipe
readjusting my pillow and opening my mouth
swallowing your sweet
digesting your kiss
drenching myself in you
hugging water
but i gotta move
gotta find someone to move with me
so i wish
and i wish
its all i can do
can't keep chasing the tide
not my wave
but i tried

maybe we're all just water
visiting other bodies of water
i'm just looking for someone to be in a pond with
might be a little pond
but it'll be ours
some people are the ocean
they belong to the world
some people are rivers
always moving
maybe we're all of it at different times in our own
personal evolutions
crashing into each other during all these wild turbulations
but i was just looking for someone to hold for awhile
just thought we could be the new hot cocktail
like red bull and rain
like sunny days and a walk in the park
aww shit. there you are again setting off a spark
splattering warm and fuzzies on my smile to my toes
like a tattoo on my nose
a blanket when its cold
an iced coffee when its hot
touch me again in that spot
so you are it seems
the ocean
you belong to the world
you're in every thing
the pipe
the drink
the think
this keyboard type
this drag
this city
this pretty
in my kitchen rag
that leaf
this window pane
that subway train
that tree
me

back to that busted pipe
think i'll let it be for now
cause you never know
if i fill enough cups
maybe someday we'll have a pond

maybe someday it'll be written for us
you know, that song

i'm just another night

i packed up the butterflies
gonna put them back on the shelf for awhile
gonna convince myself they never really were
tell myself it doesn't matter
chuck it to one of your songs
just a muse for a tune already written
already sung
already done

i dropped to my knees this morning
had this wierd weight in my gut
not enough air in the room
too naked were my lips
not enough you around my hips
but i chucked it to you're busy
and got alot on your plate
you're tired
i'm wired

so i got on a plane and waited for your text
got in a cab just for a hug and all your sweet
headed for the train hoping you'd stop me
i said remember
you tell me always
you'll never forget
and i chuck it to experience
a happy coincidence
another girl
another swirl

this love affair is making a fool of me, i'm afraid
so alone in it i feel when i'm not beside you
and i'm not beside you alot

but i chuck it to dreams and reality
your dreams become reality
my reality, just dreams
visitors... right
there she is, that's me
i'm just another night

take your best shot

so here goes it two girls lost in lost residing in the same walls sleepless and sleep
filled when i'm up she'll be down soon when she's up i'll be napping away somewhere we both go somewhere far and safe escaping into our eyelids dreams seem good company these days and when is it all going to stop loyal asks soprano screams for a different result and almond eyes speaks silence disguised as an analogy 'cept the anology is far and few between when reality comes in the form of a beer at an open bar in santa ana and then i ask, when is it all going to start? i've been listening to you lately and i'm tired of looking back see, i'm getting this cramp in my neck from all the inventory work i've been doing i'm looking forward now i've heard you i'm putting a little faith in me faith that my numbers are right my life is valid i don't need to order a recall i can stop reading the manual for all that i already know it's time stop pretending chin up, step up look up and embrace all that isn't there yet by just faith standing out there on your own ten toes and roaring b r i n g i t o n because the truth is i can take it and i will and i'll fucking feel it and hurt or laugh or cry or feel like shit and weep till every muscle in my body is exhausted and then i'll stand up again just to fall back down no i will fall again to experience the rise it's the shit that makes it good getting back up bring it

shooting up again

i assume the position
but still no dreams for me

why did you spare me
take back this youth
take back these words

i don't want them
i can't handle the responsibility
i don't have the answers

too smart too start
too dumb to try
and as punishment no sleep

life is crying life at me

what the fuck?
is god lonely?

why do you keep taking my friends?
why leave me to write about it?
useless letters
stupid words
keeping me up at night
no drugs to cure my addiction
my addiction, this drug
except my drug doesn't numb me
it doesn't let me forget

anything
everything

it nags at me all night long
constantly reminding me
just won't stop
just long enough please
i don't want to live this pain too

anything/ everything racing around my veins
playing hopscotch on my time
jump roping in my stomach

fuck! give it a rest!
and in hour intervals i get up for a smoke
every fifteen minutes i blame the pillow again, readjusting it beneath my head
every eight minutes i check my phone to see the time

it's late
it's always late when you don't sleep
it's always early when you haven't slept

why did you leave me to write this
and all i can do is call her voicemail
listen
to every
single
word

every
single
inflection

imagine her
recording the message
what was she doing
where was she
what was she wearing
what was she doing wih her hands

anything/ everything
i already miss this world
take me away
please
stop leaving me alone with just these words

word chasing before a nap

she's up again
waiting for a sun's rise
basking in shadows
spitting in the bowl of her own demise

sucking the life out of awake
playing hookey to dreams
draping a curtain to hide
using oxygen as an excuse

and down she goes
darker and darker, fell into the tunnel
away she smokes
with her toes, feeling for gravel

but no mystery here
just water and clouds
same reality feared
just another tormented night

so roll the rhyme this way
cruise the fortune cookie text
sex me again and leave me a stray
abandon the time and throw me a bone
inscript your spirit on my my breath
all your unspoken doing plee ays on my chest

fall through the sky and fall into a blanket of calm
palm in palm and think too hard
bruise a brain cell
snap a heart string
and then stumble mistakenly home
crash into what was already there all along
just needed an accident for you to notice
just needed a melody to make it a song