a wednesday alone

today i stayed at home
watched the light change from my backyard
listened to my life chime through giant's howl
smoked cigarettes like i've done so many times before
i got it down you know
smoking
the sitting, the standing, the taking it out of a fresh box
an almost empty box
the lighting
that first inhale
the smoke framing the company in front of me
but no company today
just me and the light change
i'm sitting in the middle of history
remembering the us
never really know what to say days like these
the only day of its kind
i'm here alone
making jello for my ma
she just got out of surgery
having fried chicken with my pops
before he goes and naps next to ma
i love them

i miss travelling
i miss creating
i miss me
i miss us
i'm already sad
new chapters
old songs
moving around place settings at that dinner table
aching like a motherfucker
ripping existance out of reality
making elbow room for other dreams

things change
impermanence is the only permanent
inconsistancy is consistant
show me otherwise
you can't can you
hurts like hell doesn't it

fuck
who knows man
who knew
but before any of us ever met
it was just me
that day back in '81
what a day
everything was new
everthing was for the first time

i'm fucking ridiculous
sounds like my life is over
this is not the end
this is where i came from

i'm still going on
i don't know with who
i don't know where
don't know how
don't know if i even deserve to
i'm not entitled to any of it
never was
but i'll figure it out right?

that's what everyone says
she'll figure it out
she's good

i am
i'm cool
i got this one