frag ment ed

thought i'd take a moment to type something
pause in my oh so busy doing nothing day
where to begin


currently my fingertips kiss these keys
searching for meditation
solace
a clear mind
been doing yoga lately
bikram at that
been concentrating on nothing
breathing
still and strong
trying at least


remember epiphanies occurring at 3:21 am
hugging tears in the rain?
soul searching on a high school day
booty bumpin old school till dawn?
diner walk outs
premature endings
saying too much
not saying enough?

traveling somewhere far and finding yourself
not moving at all and finding .. yourself


or those so many uncounted nothing days
such a busy body
dancing around earth as if there is something important going on
changing the world in a vote
your diet
eating organic
going to yoga
playing hop scotch catch up with your friends
playing strategy chess games with your emotions
sleeping too much
drinking too much
smoking too much

yeah those days
finding yourself too


guess these tipped fingers have been silent for a minute
unfortunate
wish i had more to say than these fragmented roaming words
but that's all i have today
that's all i am

it's time

by now you should have cleared out all those holiday texts
replied to all those drunken voicemails
decided the right diet plan to go on to rid yourself of the weight the season brought on
and already made and most likely broke some new year's resolutions



i'm just sitting here in my los angeles apartment feeling the draft from my wall
no longer wondering how those damn mice get in
i've read cloves and peppermint oil keep them away
certainly this rain ain't helping none



just wanted to drop a line
see who was still out there
breathing and living in 2008
who still believes in dreams
santa claus
and fairies
who still thinks of others before themselves
who thinks of only themselves and still thinks that that's the best road to success
just wanted to check in with some friends
check if they still do consider themselves friends
check if they know what that even means



2008
two thousand great
so i've been told
yes indeed
time to do some cleaning, it is
time to indeed


so cheers to the past
cheers to letting go


and cheers to embracing now
i've taken the bad with the good
and now


i would prefer my real friends please

my word is nothing

every time i let go completely
some memory clings
a melody rings
and out of respect
i pause
take that moment



give without expectation

so round and round we go
you've spoken my name in vein
in ego
in example
in benefit for you
and you come around
not as friend


history repeat
history repeat


yes i once knew someone who looked a bit like you
thought we found something true once
maybe we did
but just that once

ribbon

a ribbon.
a ribbon.
just listen.
oh quiet ribbon.

myspace.com/shopgirlmusic

where in the world is he

i am looking for someone who can hang
one on one
and one and a million
intimately
one that will sing me songs
my mother's fifth son
my father's pride
i want someone who adores me
and allows me to adore them
it would be cool if he got along with my brothers
because they're real important to me
and loved my dog
because he's real important to me too
i want someone who thinks everything i do is amazing
and believes that i'm strong and able
who understands my heart
courageous and vulnerable
i want him to stick up for me
and make me laugh
make me feel like the prettiest in the world
think the world of me
the world
where in the world is he

secret to self

my jaw clicks
alot
and i think it's part of the reason
for some tremendous headaches
don't feel too well these days
want to let everything go


when i am alone
i imagine i can be alone forever
sleep forever
want to sleep forever
and when there are people around me
i guess i'm ok
i guess there's a lot to be thankful for


i'm in a funk
and i'm not sure what i can do to get myself out of
i have this show i can put my energy in
but fear has overtaken me
fear of losing my dignity
but i've already lost if i don't do it
fuck fuck fuck
it hurts
to be me
it hurts always i gues

to be anyone
to live and take it up the ass in the front
ripped and torn


yeah yeah
it's all too much bullshit
i'm leaning into it
rolling around in it
staying still
paralized
rethinking and rethinking my life
and puking all over everything good

everyday conviction

so.. yeah i know
i realize that i burned the disc
i put the songs on it
but still
it's still 60 odd tracks
and the variables of the order are endless when set on random play


i'm not gonna go through the play order with you
because.. well that's a little ridiculous and i would probably lose the point
of why i'm typing this anyway
which i might already done
shiiiiiiit


ok ok ok ok
the point
the point is i was driving home from work
just now
and my head was rambling on and on with me
partly i agreed with it and partly called bullshit on
and while this conversation goes on and on with myself
these tracks keep playing
directing me to my next thoughts
but only, i think (i may be delirous)
i was actually directing which song to play next
it was like.. the truth was in the tracks
the answers were being painted for me
only i was the original person who put them on the cd in the first place

you follow?


i'm trying to say in my 36 minute drive home i saw my life
how it is
how it was
and how i hope it to be
how i know it can be
if only
i could hold on to that belief everyday
everyday conviction
and sometimes a random playlist
can remind you and get you back
grab hold of you
tightly
and squeeze the hell out of you
and you fight the squeeze
reject the squeeze
shun it
scream BULLSHIT
almost suffocate and crash
until all you can do is embrace it
and hug back



... so for all of you
even the ones you wouldn't imagine
even if we've never met, maybe just exchanged myspace notes
maybe we've lived together
sang a song
shook a tail
shared a drink

i hugged you tonight
and i really needed that hug
and i just wanted to say
thank you