january heart

i know you don't want to hear the apology
but please listen anyway

i'm sorry
that was a very selfish route for me to take tonight
it's just that--
in a moment sometimes
when your collar bone is close to my chest and you're whispering sweet everythings in my ear
my cheek has an urge to lean into your neck to feel you that much more
or when our eyes lock--
because an epiphany is occurring in real time
or because we can't stop looking at each other
or because vulnerability is at the edge of that cliff and we're not sure if the other is actually gonna leap
and if i did leap
would i be leaping alone

i'm sorry that i am so vulgar at times
sometimes its guttural, it's raw, it's me
and sometimes it's a disclaimer because i don't trust that the words are enough
kinda like emoticons, the ultimate defaults

i'm sorry that sometimes when we hug
i want to stay there longer just to feel your heart in my palms
through your clothes and your backbone, your rib cage through your shoulder blades
feel it beat into my veins and carry me to another majestic dawn breaking day

i'm sorry that i wanna hold all your wounds and bear them on my skin
just so you can feel what it's really like to have the sun kiss you

or take that heavy off your 6'4 chin so you can look up for once
really look in that mirror straight on without the anchors of yesterdays weights
the fleetiness of tomorrows not yet come
and just see the beautiful being you already are

i'm sorry because i'm mentioning any of this
because you and i both know, this too shall pass
but if i were to be honest
and honor our establishment
then it would be wrong of me to bite my tongue

i'm sorry because i have these selfish thoughts sometimes
you and i agreed to be friends
and that we are
so for all this rambling...
i will let it all go
get back to that space of muses and high spirits
that place where this man and this woman simply exist



and for the record
it was you, not i, who said no apologies in 2011

i do apologize when i'm wrong
and i was wrong to impose my vulnerability, or lack of, on you this evening

and to be clear
yes. i am vulnerable.
and yes. our friendship seems to require vulnerability.
i think i jumped on the defense because i was feeling not just vulnerability with you, but began feeling vulnerability towards you.

shake it off.

shift. in. perception.


good morning beautiful.