choo choo!

examining this trusty keyboard
i wait for any distraction
avoiding interactions
with life
yet, like this keyboard, ever present
so too is my life

i'm mustering up any ounce of diversion
getting lost in purposeless calculations
-text messages, emails, status updates
-it's cold in here, fucking dog pissed again
-gotta go to the bathroom, gotta fuck, gotta be alone
-i'm thirsty, time for another cigarette
anything to not press down on these buttons and write

i've been changed
my rib cages are closing in
holding on to the remainings of self
checking all the bruises below my belt
finding my true skin under where hives swelled
reunited with dignity
where my heart dwells

see, the problem wasn't you darlin'
it was never you
you are who you are
you are where you are
i was just on the wrong train

never again

life is so much easier when you know what you want

it's amazing, we find the most incredulous courage
to make things work that we know innately we don't inevitably want
wrong train, but since we're here, might as well do some interior decorating
'life throws you lemons, make lemonade' right?
fuck that
what if i don't want lemonade
what if i don't accept lemons
what if i'm allergic to citrus

the problem herein lies, is that i did accept lemons
now i realize
really really
i don't have to
i can say no
pass on train, pass on
i'm not making lemonade today
nope
not ever
again

so sue me
call me close- minded
call me stubborn
chuck it up to my zodiac sign or some shit
my sun rising and my moon in saturn
make me wrong, make me right
i don't really give a damn

cause when i'm amongst my people
there is no need for armor
so when i say pass on train, pass on
go ahead tell me i have a wall up
i'm damaged
i got issues
whatever will make you happy
i'm not protecting myself from you
don't flatter yourself
i don't need you to love me
i don't need you to fix me
i was never broken
i'm not your project

so take your opinion
and share it with your people
stop trying to recruit me into places i don't belong
and i am more than ok with not belonging
i would much rather not belong than be amongst people who don't get me
pass on train, pass on

no more boxing gloves
no more lemonade
no more listening to your theories of why my rib cages are not open for you
no more explanations of why we can or can not work
no more you
pass on train, pass on