sitting there
broken hearted
all betrayed
i remember trying to explain to you, i didn't betray you
i chose you
but you weren't hearing it
none of it
you said
you were trying to sort it in your head
because if it ever happened again then you would be the donkey
your pride was so hurt
and i was hurt for you
and i apologized that i hurt you
but you kept on keeping on about the donkey thing
so finally i responded
you got two ex- wives and 3 kids
now what do you think i'd be if i was the third ex- wife with an abandoned kid?
a donkey
or maybe not even that far
i was just yet another woman you left?
disregarded with some kinda debt leftover...
for some it's kids, some it's money, emotional, mental
what if you did that to me
and instead of pay me
whether it be by decency or money or both
you drank it away
numb
you said something very you and arrogant, like 'leave me then'
no room for discussion
it was then that it was clear to me that we may never have another conversation
just you spitting out hurtful whips
and i having to take it like a big girl
you had already began the pull away
while you were looking for your escape route by belittling me
going back on every promise you ever told me
'you were gonna marry me one day'
'i was your number one'
'what's mine is yours'
'you're my life'
'no matter what'
'... i would never...'
i caught on to the lie
even the 'unconditional' part
and i never intended to give you those things anyway
never ever
as you say 'i'm smarter than that'
so then came the next phase
you detached
me, always fighting for something i never really inevitably wanted
what i did want was for you to be loved
to hug you once and awhile
hug your kids
embrace you for you
not the man you think you are because you drive a nice car
but the man beneath all the 'donkey calling' and the 'bonafide labeling'
the man that knows the the difference between being a father and a dad
the man that wants to be better
make the world a little brighter
that's the man i wanted by my side
not even as a lover, as a friend
see, cause i never wanted to marry you, never said i did
never wanted to bear your children
perhaps you knew that
perhaps you understood that somewhere beneath the thick of your ego
regardless...
here we are
you in a home i helped build
i, homeless
and you think i think i got the short end of the stick
i just have to document this for my own personal inventory
i no longer have to compromise my integrity for a broken alcoholic man
i no longer have to endure the financial stress of a gambler
my mental health threatened by your backwards ways of thinking
using too frequently the words to describe your behavior towards me as 'challenging' or passionate'
when in actuality it was abusive and demeaning
my emotional being intact now no longer tampered with causing me hives, emergency rooms, and stiff jaws
now, being removed from you, i am reminded of blessings and the little things in life that make it worth living
remember that money, alcohol, and plasma tvs do not not make for success
happiness
true company
i am reminded of where i'm from
a little hood, a little indie, and a whole lotta love
laughter
music
joy
i was brought up with values
and instilled in me was the strength of accountability
responsibility
and compassion
and although i have no physical home at the moment
i find shelter in the life that i've built thus far
the life of dignity, honor, and respect
and that is where i find my home
where my home always is and forever will be
no matter what form it comes in, a couch, a cup of joe, a mansion, a humble house in downey
my home is amongst my people
so see, i guess on the surface
if you were to equate tangible material things with success
then i am the donkey
and if i am
i'm the prettiest and luckiest
and i guess i've always been
because nothing has changed really for me
just a little environment
which is ever changing
but what is constant
is my back bone
my reliability
my word
to always be my best
do the right thing
be true
and in turn life gifts me with
the most
amazing
people
amazing
so yes, i will wear donkey well
because to you, no one is good enough
i accept that
and i also pity you a little bit
you're just a kid trapped in a man's body who needed a little more 'i love yous' growing up
and to think, you were always trying to teach me a thing or two about love
about friendship
about family
and i listened respectfully and considerately
to the man who lacks in all of those things
you won your prized donkey
and when you got her
and you were done with her
because your pride was hurt
because she wouldn't jump when you said jump
or heel when you said heel
you wanted to be rid of her
hence an escape route
i was looking for mine too
i was just doing it with love
you were doing it with back handed comments and below the belt jabs
i was doing it by communicating truth to my mirrors
to you
discussing changes
trying to find an amicable place where you and i could exist
but in your book, someone is always the donkey
and you've made it perfectly clear to me that you will not stand for being that
so you win
i be the donkey
you be buddha
you be 'i told you so'
you be 'i knew it'
and i be grateful to learn it
and all i can really say to you
is i love you
and good luck
No comments:
Post a Comment