d/ nana

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


How do you manage blessings and tragedies?

I've had one of the most emotional weeks of my life and I'm not sure how I've managed to keep it together. I started the week off reconnecting with my little sister, who I was estrained to for over 7 years. We sat and talked for hours and she expressed all the feelings of resentment, betrayal and emptiness she had for her brothers. As well as all the growing up she has done and the soul searching and the processes she went through to get through these trying times. And I've realized that my little sister, Arianna, is more grown up that I am. After tears and understanding, our lives began to reconnect and I began to feel as if my family was becoming whole once more. The next few days were good. I spent time with my parents and my brothers and sister, and life was looking up. On friday I got a phone call from the sister of a good friend of mine, saying that her brother, Pablo, and another friend, Eddie, were in a plane accident and that she didn't know if they were alright. My body froze... and I didn't know what to do. I sat and waited for two hours keeping the news to myself praying that they were alright. Then the phone call came saying that Eddie survived, but that Pablo didn't make it. Pablo was like the little brother I never had. I knew him since he was 13 and he lived with us for the past 4-5 years. He was a great kid. So full of life. He was only 19. We had a falling out a few months back and we never really resolved all of our issues, but the last we talked, he said was getting better and that he was starting to clean up. I kick myself for not being there these last few months. Now it's too late. I started to call all the people who knew Pablo and everytime I said he passed, it became more real and more real. Everyday I talk to more people and run into more people who knew him and are saddened by his passing. I never knew how many lives this kid touched. On the day of his death, I was also going through some mixed emotions cuz I knew at any point, I could get a call from my brother saying that his wife was going into labor. I was going to be the uncle of a new baby girl. This was supposed to be a happy day. Plus, I couldn't tell my brother and his wife about Pablo's passing either. So eventually I got the call. Everyone rushed to the hospital, wiping the tears from their eyes and doing our best acting jobs to be happy. And when I saw little Ella for the first time, I was. For a few moments I forgot about Pablo. She was so adorable. When I got to hold her, everything was alright, and I realized how precious life is. I expierienced the whole circle of life in one day. Now a few days have passed and I can't stop having this crazy emotional rollercoaster ride. And most of my moods been dark. I'm trying to snap out of it,but it's hard. One good thing that's come out of this week is that I'm reaching out to some people from my past to bury old hatchets. It sucks that a death makes you realize that it's just not worth it to have grudges. Love now, because it might be too late to love later. So... WELCOME BACK LITTLE SISTER... WELCOME TO THE WORLD ELLA... AND REST IN PEACE PABLO... I LOVE YOU ALL...

1:04 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment
lady basco


how do we manage blessings with tragedies?


i don't know.

cry. alot.
then laugh. alot.


and somewhere.. somewhere.. within life's jokes..
you find a reason again.


i don't know how.

for me- -- - after death. life. war. bombs. being born with one ear. always feeling separate. always being different. touched wrong. guilt. pain. humiliation. doubt. hands slapped one too many times. chin too fucking heavy to hold up. knees anchored to one summer in '99. anchored to phone calls. letters. words. fights and hugs. singing and screaming. drinking and eating. ephemeral moments of bliss. ephemeral moments of shame. needing to gather every single day, every single feeling to make up for lost time. to remember everything so she is never forgotten. so he is never forgotten. so you are never forgotten. --- -- -for me.. i just wanted to die.

i didn't want all the responsibility of my emotions.


so what do i do?
once i tried killing myself back in '99, but the universe wouldn't have it.
after heather passed, i really really wanted to go to sleep forever.
had all my reasons why stacked up high like a suicide bank. i just didn't want to feel anymore. but i leaned into it. went through it. wrote it. sang it. cried it. hit it. fucking roared with my head in the fucking gutter about it.
...and then you guys came back. and i was angry. again. i was hurt. again. and pissed. even more reason to just quit. stop living.

but i suppose i was too much of a pussy. couldn't do it. kill myself. nope.



so i decided to live.






and lo and behold, there is so much to live for.
that's what she told me. what she taught me.
fucking live arianna.
choose life. this one.



life got jokes, bro.
they're lessons.
they're blessings.


i love you dion.
never stopped.

Posted by lady basco on Tuesday, September 19, 2006 at 4:11 AM
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