i don't know why i can't sleep
why i can't write
can't type
but i'll try anyway
where once was an anchor
i'm trying to lean into it
i am
ride this life swing
ride it away from what i had to get used to
so deep is love
so very deep it trickles
i want to enjoy this
right now
because i know
this too shall pass
in a canopy alone tonight
rest my head, i try
peace is with me, i know
i was just waiting for
everything
Friday, September 29, 2006
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
d/ nana
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
How do you manage blessings and tragedies?
I've had one of the most emotional weeks of my life and I'm not sure how I've managed to keep it together. I started the week off reconnecting with my little sister, who I was estrained to for over 7 years. We sat and talked for hours and she expressed all the feelings of resentment, betrayal and emptiness she had for her brothers. As well as all the growing up she has done and the soul searching and the processes she went through to get through these trying times. And I've realized that my little sister, Arianna, is more grown up that I am. After tears and understanding, our lives began to reconnect and I began to feel as if my family was becoming whole once more. The next few days were good. I spent time with my parents and my brothers and sister, and life was looking up. On friday I got a phone call from the sister of a good friend of mine, saying that her brother, Pablo, and another friend, Eddie, were in a plane accident and that she didn't know if they were alright. My body froze... and I didn't know what to do. I sat and waited for two hours keeping the news to myself praying that they were alright. Then the phone call came saying that Eddie survived, but that Pablo didn't make it. Pablo was like the little brother I never had. I knew him since he was 13 and he lived with us for the past 4-5 years. He was a great kid. So full of life. He was only 19. We had a falling out a few months back and we never really resolved all of our issues, but the last we talked, he said was getting better and that he was starting to clean up. I kick myself for not being there these last few months. Now it's too late. I started to call all the people who knew Pablo and everytime I said he passed, it became more real and more real. Everyday I talk to more people and run into more people who knew him and are saddened by his passing. I never knew how many lives this kid touched. On the day of his death, I was also going through some mixed emotions cuz I knew at any point, I could get a call from my brother saying that his wife was going into labor. I was going to be the uncle of a new baby girl. This was supposed to be a happy day. Plus, I couldn't tell my brother and his wife about Pablo's passing either. So eventually I got the call. Everyone rushed to the hospital, wiping the tears from their eyes and doing our best acting jobs to be happy. And when I saw little Ella for the first time, I was. For a few moments I forgot about Pablo. She was so adorable. When I got to hold her, everything was alright, and I realized how precious life is. I expierienced the whole circle of life in one day. Now a few days have passed and I can't stop having this crazy emotional rollercoaster ride. And most of my moods been dark. I'm trying to snap out of it,but it's hard. One good thing that's come out of this week is that I'm reaching out to some people from my past to bury old hatchets. It sucks that a death makes you realize that it's just not worth it to have grudges. Love now, because it might be too late to love later. So... WELCOME BACK LITTLE SISTER... WELCOME TO THE WORLD ELLA... AND REST IN PEACE PABLO... I LOVE YOU ALL...
1:04 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment
lady basco
how do we manage blessings with tragedies?
i don't know.
cry. alot.
then laugh. alot.
and somewhere.. somewhere.. within life's jokes..
you find a reason again.
i don't know how.
for me- -- - after death. life. war. bombs. being born with one ear. always feeling separate. always being different. touched wrong. guilt. pain. humiliation. doubt. hands slapped one too many times. chin too fucking heavy to hold up. knees anchored to one summer in '99. anchored to phone calls. letters. words. fights and hugs. singing and screaming. drinking and eating. ephemeral moments of bliss. ephemeral moments of shame. needing to gather every single day, every single feeling to make up for lost time. to remember everything so she is never forgotten. so he is never forgotten. so you are never forgotten. --- -- -for me.. i just wanted to die.
i didn't want all the responsibility of my emotions.
so what do i do?
once i tried killing myself back in '99, but the universe wouldn't have it.
after heather passed, i really really wanted to go to sleep forever.
had all my reasons why stacked up high like a suicide bank. i just didn't want to feel anymore. but i leaned into it. went through it. wrote it. sang it. cried it. hit it. fucking roared with my head in the fucking gutter about it.
...and then you guys came back. and i was angry. again. i was hurt. again. and pissed. even more reason to just quit. stop living.
but i suppose i was too much of a pussy. couldn't do it. kill myself. nope.
so i decided to live.
and lo and behold, there is so much to live for.
that's what she told me. what she taught me.
fucking live arianna.
choose life. this one.
life got jokes, bro.
they're lessons.
they're blessings.
i love you dion.
never stopped.
Posted by lady basco on Tuesday, September 19, 2006 at 4:11 AM
[Reply to this]
How do you manage blessings and tragedies?
I've had one of the most emotional weeks of my life and I'm not sure how I've managed to keep it together. I started the week off reconnecting with my little sister, who I was estrained to for over 7 years. We sat and talked for hours and she expressed all the feelings of resentment, betrayal and emptiness she had for her brothers. As well as all the growing up she has done and the soul searching and the processes she went through to get through these trying times. And I've realized that my little sister, Arianna, is more grown up that I am. After tears and understanding, our lives began to reconnect and I began to feel as if my family was becoming whole once more. The next few days were good. I spent time with my parents and my brothers and sister, and life was looking up. On friday I got a phone call from the sister of a good friend of mine, saying that her brother, Pablo, and another friend, Eddie, were in a plane accident and that she didn't know if they were alright. My body froze... and I didn't know what to do. I sat and waited for two hours keeping the news to myself praying that they were alright. Then the phone call came saying that Eddie survived, but that Pablo didn't make it. Pablo was like the little brother I never had. I knew him since he was 13 and he lived with us for the past 4-5 years. He was a great kid. So full of life. He was only 19. We had a falling out a few months back and we never really resolved all of our issues, but the last we talked, he said was getting better and that he was starting to clean up. I kick myself for not being there these last few months. Now it's too late. I started to call all the people who knew Pablo and everytime I said he passed, it became more real and more real. Everyday I talk to more people and run into more people who knew him and are saddened by his passing. I never knew how many lives this kid touched. On the day of his death, I was also going through some mixed emotions cuz I knew at any point, I could get a call from my brother saying that his wife was going into labor. I was going to be the uncle of a new baby girl. This was supposed to be a happy day. Plus, I couldn't tell my brother and his wife about Pablo's passing either. So eventually I got the call. Everyone rushed to the hospital, wiping the tears from their eyes and doing our best acting jobs to be happy. And when I saw little Ella for the first time, I was. For a few moments I forgot about Pablo. She was so adorable. When I got to hold her, everything was alright, and I realized how precious life is. I expierienced the whole circle of life in one day. Now a few days have passed and I can't stop having this crazy emotional rollercoaster ride. And most of my moods been dark. I'm trying to snap out of it,but it's hard. One good thing that's come out of this week is that I'm reaching out to some people from my past to bury old hatchets. It sucks that a death makes you realize that it's just not worth it to have grudges. Love now, because it might be too late to love later. So... WELCOME BACK LITTLE SISTER... WELCOME TO THE WORLD ELLA... AND REST IN PEACE PABLO... I LOVE YOU ALL...
1:04 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment
lady basco
how do we manage blessings with tragedies?
i don't know.
cry. alot.
then laugh. alot.
and somewhere.. somewhere.. within life's jokes..
you find a reason again.
i don't know how.
for me- -- - after death. life. war. bombs. being born with one ear. always feeling separate. always being different. touched wrong. guilt. pain. humiliation. doubt. hands slapped one too many times. chin too fucking heavy to hold up. knees anchored to one summer in '99. anchored to phone calls. letters. words. fights and hugs. singing and screaming. drinking and eating. ephemeral moments of bliss. ephemeral moments of shame. needing to gather every single day, every single feeling to make up for lost time. to remember everything so she is never forgotten. so he is never forgotten. so you are never forgotten. --- -- -for me.. i just wanted to die.
i didn't want all the responsibility of my emotions.
so what do i do?
once i tried killing myself back in '99, but the universe wouldn't have it.
after heather passed, i really really wanted to go to sleep forever.
had all my reasons why stacked up high like a suicide bank. i just didn't want to feel anymore. but i leaned into it. went through it. wrote it. sang it. cried it. hit it. fucking roared with my head in the fucking gutter about it.
...and then you guys came back. and i was angry. again. i was hurt. again. and pissed. even more reason to just quit. stop living.
but i suppose i was too much of a pussy. couldn't do it. kill myself. nope.
so i decided to live.
and lo and behold, there is so much to live for.
that's what she told me. what she taught me.
fucking live arianna.
choose life. this one.
life got jokes, bro.
they're lessons.
they're blessings.
i love you dion.
never stopped.
Posted by lady basco on Tuesday, September 19, 2006 at 4:11 AM
[Reply to this]
favorite scattered rambled
it was my favorite, you know
when you let it go
looked at me
and really looked
and cried
for all the years lost
the memories missed
i just want to write
about it all
i wouldn't know where to start
don't want to close my eyes
don't want to miss it
not now
i kinda want to curl up and weep for a few days
just a few
then pick myself up
dust it all off
and then dance
sing
i'm right here
here
my feet on the ground
flying
someone was praying for all of us
and i just wanted to thank you
just wanted to extend my gratitude
i don't know
my back hurts
my bones are strained
i don't know
i'll get a grip
i'll sort it out
i always do
till then
here
here i am
in all my ramblings
all my blessings
blessings
it's like my favorite word
truly is
keep safe that special
hold securely those treasures
precious
so precious
ephemeral magic
you feel for lifetimes
it's what keeps me going
when you let it go
looked at me
and really looked
and cried
for all the years lost
the memories missed
i just want to write
about it all
i wouldn't know where to start
don't want to close my eyes
don't want to miss it
not now
i kinda want to curl up and weep for a few days
just a few
then pick myself up
dust it all off
and then dance
sing
i'm right here
here
my feet on the ground
flying
someone was praying for all of us
and i just wanted to thank you
just wanted to extend my gratitude
i don't know
my back hurts
my bones are strained
i don't know
i'll get a grip
i'll sort it out
i always do
till then
here
here i am
in all my ramblings
all my blessings
blessings
it's like my favorite word
truly is
keep safe that special
hold securely those treasures
precious
so precious
ephemeral magic
you feel for lifetimes
it's what keeps me going
Saturday, September 16, 2006
MIA
when in mia
it appears
life
change
when in mia
it seems i head into
the eye of the storm
when in mia
it seems that birth and death
happens
simultanoeously
new and old slaps me right across the face
villans and heroes return
to face each other as martyrs
that song plays again
fast car
fast car
i've been waiting so long to listen to it with you
it's okay
you're okay
i'm okay
6 matyrs in a room
around the dinner table
reading the chapter together this time
searching for the definitions
telling the story
of a family ripped
shattered and lost
writing the story
of a family sewn
found and healing
what a trip
dreams coming true
living out loud
and laughing
loudly
truly
move me to those days that i want to leave
that i was never present for
slowly going insane
sanely
so much to catch up
so much to know
to learn
or
just so much to be
today
now
where the nightmare ended
this life
my life
fucking crazy
fucking beautiful
and wonderous
and above all of it
so very blessed
when in mia
truth reveals itself
breaking us down to our common denominators
the music that raised us
the values that ring us
the lessons that bred us
all pointing the way home
it appears
life
change
when in mia
it seems i head into
the eye of the storm
when in mia
it seems that birth and death
happens
simultanoeously
new and old slaps me right across the face
villans and heroes return
to face each other as martyrs
that song plays again
fast car
fast car
i've been waiting so long to listen to it with you
it's okay
you're okay
i'm okay
6 matyrs in a room
around the dinner table
reading the chapter together this time
searching for the definitions
telling the story
of a family ripped
shattered and lost
writing the story
of a family sewn
found and healing
what a trip
dreams coming true
living out loud
and laughing
loudly
truly
move me to those days that i want to leave
that i was never present for
slowly going insane
sanely
so much to catch up
so much to know
to learn
or
just so much to be
today
now
where the nightmare ended
this life
my life
fucking crazy
fucking beautiful
and wonderous
and above all of it
so very blessed
when in mia
truth reveals itself
breaking us down to our common denominators
the music that raised us
the values that ring us
the lessons that bred us
all pointing the way home
Friday, September 15, 2006
and the words
And the words
I wanted to save every one
They were the stuff that dreams were made of
The stuff of dreams coming true
I never really believed
Until that night
Like I never really believed in death
I never really believed in
You came back
And said all the saids
That were rehearsed while my eyes were closed
Missing every day
Heroes and demons
Never really let go
History on repeat
Promises broken
Prayers spoken
And the stranger wrote
I dont share of my dreams
In fear of them not coming true
But I say share
Just make sure its to the people who truly care
Share them with your eyes open
And then we cried
five martyrs around a table
we all paid a price
all proved that we were able
all bet on blank dice
I dont know what to say
Nothing comes out right
Tell me I dont have to hurt anymore
Ill just keep typing till it pours out differently
But it doesnt see
Maybe if I pray more
Ill grow an ear
Apparently dreams do come true
So Ive been shown
So Ive grown to learn
My face right now must be stoic
Numb
Feeling so much
But feeling so calm
The chapter is finally over
The hell on earth endured
There is a light
And I am blessed again
Did I take care of myself this time?
Was the oxygen mask secure?
So long the journey
So long still
The struggle now
Is to hold on to free
Im putting my seatbelt on
My seatbelt on
What it all means
What tears are for now
Laughter and pain
Fuck I dont know
Did it all just happen
All that
All those words
Apologies and forgiveness
Ella
Tomorrow
Derek
Darion
Dante
Dion
Darryl jonathon
Arianna
Darius
Aida
Emily
Miles
Family
One
Mine
Ours
I wanted to save every one
They were the stuff that dreams were made of
The stuff of dreams coming true
I never really believed
Until that night
Like I never really believed in death
I never really believed in
You came back
And said all the saids
That were rehearsed while my eyes were closed
Missing every day
Heroes and demons
Never really let go
History on repeat
Promises broken
Prayers spoken
And the stranger wrote
I dont share of my dreams
In fear of them not coming true
But I say share
Just make sure its to the people who truly care
Share them with your eyes open
And then we cried
five martyrs around a table
we all paid a price
all proved that we were able
all bet on blank dice
I dont know what to say
Nothing comes out right
Tell me I dont have to hurt anymore
Ill just keep typing till it pours out differently
But it doesnt see
Maybe if I pray more
Ill grow an ear
Apparently dreams do come true
So Ive been shown
So Ive grown to learn
My face right now must be stoic
Numb
Feeling so much
But feeling so calm
The chapter is finally over
The hell on earth endured
There is a light
And I am blessed again
Did I take care of myself this time?
Was the oxygen mask secure?
So long the journey
So long still
The struggle now
Is to hold on to free
Im putting my seatbelt on
My seatbelt on
What it all means
What tears are for now
Laughter and pain
Fuck I dont know
Did it all just happen
All that
All those words
Apologies and forgiveness
Ella
Tomorrow
Derek
Darion
Dante
Dion
Darryl jonathon
Arianna
Darius
Aida
Emily
Miles
Family
One
Mine
Ours
Saturday, September 9, 2006
new york new york
was good to me. as always. even when it's bad.
blue stockings
allen st south of houston
go get yourself a tard and feathered
and if you happen to be in williamsburg..
inquire about the zine at that bookshop next door to the verb at the bedford stop
otherwise....
i just got home from hmm.. well..
yesterday i got on a plane from nyc and went straight into a graveyard shift. slept for a little less than an hour and woke up for the f-pac festival.
just got home. exhausted.
will be there again tomorrow.
come out.
san pedro.
it's fun.
and entertaining.
plus funnel cake.
ephemeral apparel.
tard and feathered.
i'm shutting my eyes for a moment my lovelies.
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