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i'm finding it hard to
salty water take me back
to narrow brooklyn hallways
to pittsburg slip and slide
potato sack races
lip sync contests
riding on the back of my brother
taking pictures with them
oldest to youngest
riding on bikes up hills
too steep to climb
back when i first felt pain
first embarrassed about my ear
first embarrassed to be me

bring me back to sitting on my pop's shoulders
when grandma showed me how to dance with my hands
when ma taught me a lesson about littering
spit gum out the window
she stopped the car and made me find it
stop traffic
pick it up
and throw it away

remember the first time you were nostalgic about music?
how it made you feel
your first moment of remembering something
that sweet familiar
a moment returned to
a moment prayed for

i'm sitting here paralyzed by my own fingertips
my hand misses your hand
i'm exhausted from having to stand so tall
i am depleted and alone in a bathroom stall
waiting for another tantrum
beating back the drum behind my eye
emotions sweat
and my jaw won't stop clicking
my gut won't stop churning
my chest keeps locking
i get the shakes cause i don't sleep
i don't sleep cause my body won't relax
can't breathe
pace
pacing

i don't want to die
i want to die
how does that work? i'm just too pussy to kill myself. too much of a wuss to live. my arms hurt. unrest boils in the blood beneath this skin.

my eyes are tired. but not at all.

don't make sense out of me. don't make any sense.