anything life

hit me with one.
i could use a good laugh.
tell me a story mad. a story sad.
rap to me about lamp lit streets.
staying out past curfew.
taking a walk cause you like somebody so much.
taking a walk because it hurts so much.
first fists. first pains.
heart stains.
rant about a first kiss. a twinkled eye.
a night tripped. a night broken.
waking up in the morning's familiar.
waking up at all.
cotton candy at carnivals.
my mind on her in intervals.
talk about anything life.
that song that makes you breathe easier.
should have been there earlier. fucking void.
fuck my head with a different answer.
give me a hug under fireworks.
tangent with me over a beer and a jameson shot.
do cartwheels on hospital beds.
keep dancing in my head.

it's funny how it all came about. this year. this life.
i'm doing inventory with half mooned eyes and i'm counting on you. leaning on that shoulder you always offered, never thought i'd take you up on it. here i go. i'm a little heavy so handle with care please.

i'm inhaling each full day and keeping track of the smiles, moments of perfect, waterfalls of defeat. bring me back to brazil. an old soul trying on naive, trying something new. uncomfortable. bring me back to a sidewalk in brooklyn where my life fell over and paid the price of a couple of teeth. a busted face. last summer. roller blade falls. waitressing. with heather. sublets. coming back to the doors where my names is imprinted. coming back home. kissing boys. looking in mirrors masked as friends. fighting. visits to prison. a friend gotten over. good company again. finally. fall in love. fall out. take a good look at my history half way around the world. be diagnosed with disease. a tsnunami. a hurricaine. go on the road. come back. go again. tell me your story, i haven't seen you in a while. show me what it was like to laugh that much. pump the tears out of me that much. grab hold of my gut and throw it around a little bit. hug me, not cause i'm the only one there to hug, but because you'll burst if you couldn't touch me one last time. let me visit my grandparents in the hospital. write to faces cause the guards won't let me in. write about faces cause i don't get to see them anymore. move. farther. closer. hold me. tighter. squeeze out emptiness. fill the cup with different answers. stop giving me coincidental time. timing bad. timing good. wisdom teeth gone. face swollen and beat. i'm beat. i'm loosening my grip. i'm tensing my jaw. i'm hoping for your call. i'm not gonna pick it up. trying not to ruin your day. i'm calling you. just in this moment. couldn't stand being alone. couldn't stand forgetting you. i got your voice mail again. dare i leave a message with all that is really on my lips. i wanted to make love. i wanted to make life. i wanted to tap on words, groove on concepts with you in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere. a couch in california. a subway on the way to central park. i sing that song cause it's all that fits. you fit.

finality. when last you breathed. i bowed deep into your left swollen foot into your breathless sheets. hyper ventilating. moistened your covers with tears. and i wished. i wished. i climbed closer to your hand and fell over your palm. lifted it over my forehead asking for forgiveness. kissed your still cheek. panted through your veins of cancer.

i came to see you in your new mountainous home. two hours it took. i was denied. our papers got lost. one prison to another. same rules apply. just different scenery. but i saw you through the window. i saw your pretty face and that little girl smile. i wanted a hug. i wished.

he came into town. my companion again. just for two weeks. two weeks ago. life changed. thought it had something to do with rent. thought it had something to do with life. had something to do with life ending. 2 months. i was told two months. at best. at best really took advantage of the situation, eh?

i'm angry. i kept hearing 'well yesterday she said' and 'just last night she was saying' and well I WASN'T FUCKING HERE LAST NIGHT. no. absent. no heather eyes for me. no heather talk.

on my way to the hospital from the airport i was stressing about losing her. when. how was i to get back to new york for her service in two months. what money. what dread. i stayed up all night with her. i saw a tear creep out of her sedated eye. i stayed up the following night. stayed awake all day. wasn't fighting sleep. embracing awake. she stopped breathing. did she hear me? i didn't mean for her to go early. i didn't mean to come so late. we had the service on friday. he sang hallelujah and i wished.

i want to sleep forever.
not my destiny to sleep forever. not yet.

i want to kiss till we bleed. i want to squeeze till we explode. want to talk till our voices are sore. write till life repeats itself. till it repeats you. where are you? come back. i miss you.