because i had to

i was going to let this day pass without public mention.

these days i've replaced sleep with naps. but it wasn't too long ago when all i wanted to do was sleep. living in my dreams. having the conversations, interactions, fights and laughs i was unable to have while awake. i spent so much time sleeping while in that big apple. i spent a lot of time silent. maybe not my mouth. my tongue. but arianna aurora dolores basco siezed to exist. wanting no part of her own life. feeling obligated to stay alive.

it wasn't always this way. when i first moved there it was an excercise of getting out of my head. stop being so damn significant all of the fucking time. i never asked for any money from my parents when i fled the nest of california. they wouldn't have any anyways, and to ask them for some would only lead to additional family debt, but my mother would never show it. not to me. i didn't take that road. so i arrived. didn't give moving across the country too much thought. my head was so polluted at that point. i was mourning.

nevertheless, i picked myself up and worked my ass off. doing all that responsible adult shit. i was so busy and high off of the rush of the subways and the people and the food, i never really did take a good look at those twins. as a matter of fact, on this day four years ago, i didn't even know that the twin towers were referred to as the 'world trade center'. i never even noted the height of those buildings. i never took in the skyline. hell, i was a california girl just trying to catch up with myself, let alone look at some business buildings downtown.

this was one of those days i fell out of my head. i got a little closer to something. i put myself aside. i was beside myself. walking uptown. side by side with people who were having the same exact crisis as me. man. what a sight. had souls sworming around my body. crying. terrified.

to pay respect. exhale.

you know, we can turn on the tv and see a special report on a death somewhere. if we are engaging with the program, you can actually feel for that person. it might even change your life in some way.

but when the death counts are that of this day four years prior, the south last week, asia months ago and so on and so on---- man. it's like trying to read every book that was ever written. thousands and thousands... sounds so unpenetrable.

but when i think about all those people that i used to dream about in my state of depression. all of my family and friends that i so desparately needed i had to sleep to get them because i was just too damn far away. physically. mentally. when i think of those people. and then one day one of them being in the wrong place at the wrong time in a massive disaster. something begins to penetrate.

i'm not going into the politics of this today. politics are all around us anyway, we can talk about what an ass he is later. i don't want to be angry today. i'm not going through the details of my experience of that day. ask me sometime. probably won't tell it in fear of minimizing, cutting short the 'experience' if you will. that whole time period. the aftermath that these damn mathmaticians still can't find the damn formula for.

i have some faces in my mind right now. if i lost one of them to a devastation... i don't think you would want me to be angry. trust me, i want to be angry. i would be angry. i'm a little anger fucking fire ball. i want to scream at the world and bitch till i grow that ear that never quite made it. but nah. somewhere beyond the anger. maybe in the mourning of it. in the passing. i think you would want me to live and appreciate everyday. almost impossible task to be that optimistic everyday. but, okay, so at least today. make the best of today. make the best of yourself. change the world through starting with yourself. be proud of the life you live.