shooting up again

i assume the position
but still no dreams for me

why did you spare me
take back this youth
take back these words

i don't want them
i can't handle the responsibility
i don't have the answers

too smart too start
too dumb to try
and as punishment no sleep

life is crying life at me

what the fuck?
is god lonely?

why do you keep taking my friends?
why leave me to write about it?
useless letters
stupid words
keeping me up at night
no drugs to cure my addiction
my addiction, this drug
except my drug doesn't numb me
it doesn't let me forget

anything
everything

it nags at me all night long
constantly reminding me
just won't stop
just long enough please
i don't want to live this pain too

anything/ everything racing around my veins
playing hopscotch on my time
jump roping in my stomach

fuck! give it a rest!
and in hour intervals i get up for a smoke
every fifteen minutes i blame the pillow again, readjusting it beneath my head
every eight minutes i check my phone to see the time

it's late
it's always late when you don't sleep
it's always early when you haven't slept

why did you leave me to write this
and all i can do is call her voicemail
listen
to every
single
word

every
single
inflection

imagine her
recording the message
what was she doing
where was she
what was she wearing
what was she doing wih her hands

anything/ everything
i already miss this world
take me away
please
stop leaving me alone with just these words

word chasing before a nap

she's up again
waiting for a sun's rise
basking in shadows
spitting in the bowl of her own demise

sucking the life out of awake
playing hookey to dreams
draping a curtain to hide
using oxygen as an excuse

and down she goes
darker and darker, fell into the tunnel
away she smokes
with her toes, feeling for gravel

but no mystery here
just water and clouds
same reality feared
just another tormented night

so roll the rhyme this way
cruise the fortune cookie text
sex me again and leave me a stray
abandon the time and throw me a bone
inscript your spirit on my my breath
all your unspoken doing plee ays on my chest

fall through the sky and fall into a blanket of calm
palm in palm and think too hard
bruise a brain cell
snap a heart string
and then stumble mistakenly home
crash into what was already there all along
just needed an accident for you to notice
just needed a melody to make it a song

taking a stroll on water

i'm feeling the weight of change and a chapter's end
a cliffhanger for anticipated continuation
i'm feeling blank proclamations
new bathroom sinks, new apartment walls
lying under a canopy, no longer in brooklyn
looking over courtyards that remind me of brazil
i close my eyes and i'm on top of mount fuji with a prayer
in the philippines with auntie nita
have a pillow between my legs in place of him
a poster in place of her

rain falls on long beach today and i'm in it
you wanna talk life?
let's talk bills and love songs
let's talk hospital rooms and last breaths
let's talk about missing the holidays, being a bird and flying away
kissing today and never tomorrow

scratch your head harder
think on it a little longer
write about it and dream
change the answers
i think its working

i misplaced my keys
have you seen them?

i'm rubbing my cheeks with my green tea hands
letting go of 525,600 minutes while listening to a playlist called rest your head
and i plan to
rest. my. head.

stop pretending

it's you
you know it is

we write our own books
the ink is in our actions
the thoughts are between the lines
the delicates of hello
the numb tears of goodbye

hold me now pillow!
squeeze me tighter and soak these tears!

the snow melts and we walk upon water again
turley lady whispering in my ear
and i don't fucking swim
oh shit

i kissed
i touched
i hugged
i wrote
i cried
i mourned
i screamed
i helped
i stood
i smiled
i did
i came
i sang

scatter me more
punch harder
get more weapons
use another gun
put on those brass knuckles
and hit

fuck it
i'll take it

life right?
always in the line of fire
even on sunny days

creep up my leg every night
and leave sweet nothings on my chest

come to the house on christmas
like bulls in our china shop
say i love you again
out of routine
out of, that's just the right thing to say

give me some of that morphine
dream it all away
shut it all down

i'm in it and i'm looking for the key
meanwhile, i guess i'll put away these dishes
work another graveyard shift
gotta pay the bills right?
gotta walk on water

i am not a happy girl
not today
not in this moment
got this suitcase of butterflies
no place to unpack them

where are you?
i miss you
and i'm gonna keep missing you in 2006
you're in the weave of every chapter in this book
from here on out till the end
that's how it works
you. affect. me. forever.
i know
that's a long time

don't you get it already?
i'm right here
right fucking here

12.25.05

maybe i write every word because it is just a hobby
something i never really stopped doing
my safe place when all went wrong- it was my written word i thought would stand as evidence to some sort of rhyme or reason to all the wrong
when nothing made sense, it was the faith i had that if i wrote about it now, it would serve me well in the future
and it has
in my opinion at least

well. that was a drawn out disclaimer.

listen closely to those times in life when i knock on your soul's door and introduce it to your heart. those times when i talk to the ear within your ear sreaming for the voice within your lips to speak up, sing out, chin up. when i call upon your your bravest days, the ones where you surprise yourself. bouncing back from challenge and defeat with such reverence, such respect, such serenity. such grace. listen closely to the songs we sing, the timber in our laughs, the scents beyond the cigarette smoke, the aroma changed because of the cigarette smoke. the lives you changed because of that timber in your laugh. that crazy way you get when you've had a little much to drink. to love. to swallow all in in one sitting. cause, didn't you know, my friend? you've changed my life many times over. and i love. i cheese. velveeta, no less. and i always melt for you. just your company.

that's how amazing you are. so i hope you listen hard in those moments, cause they really mean something to me. you inspire me. you shine in me.

this holiday. remember all that you are. it's where you're coming from. it is not where the journey ended. we got many more to come. so soak up the nostalgia. feel the twinkle. believe in the ho ho ho. cheers to the graveyard shifts and joy to the world. joy to your world. it's all you's got kid.

i love you!
celebrate. yourself.
and that's where i'll be. toasting right beside you. for you.

cheers.
ladiest of ladies---
lady basco

you have no idea

can't shake it off long enough to get any shut eye
something filled my cup with nothing
i'm glazy from lack of sleep
i keep filling and emptying the bags under my eyes
with salty water
contaminated by too much love
polluted by too many songs
my convoluted body wrapped around hope
i cradle myself and toss and turn
i'm thinking of you
and you
and you
and you
and on
and on
and on
bet you didn't know it was you
when you reserve a thought for every single person in your world
there is no time for sleep


i wish i could make the wish come true
that one

sweet nothings from yesterday

can't seem to get in a comfortable position tonight
last night
the night before last

there's a weight stuck in my stomach
an anchor attached to my smile
my laugh

how strange
how close
a kiss
a touch
hug me now!

the road gets you now
smile pretty and sign another autograph
and in my mind you'll find your name
over and over again

in my eye she lies breathless and breathless
no more touch me
no more hold me

so close we are
on some days
touch
kiss

but her
never days

you and me
ever days?
used to wish every day
but just a wish
a kiss
a touch

so close
so near
whisper whisper
between you and me
just us
in the middle of us

lose my number

i've been told life goes on
this too shall pass rings somewhere
not here

where did you go
are you not coming back
you never came to see me in la
you said you would
said you wanted to meet all my friends
said we'd squeeze

said you'd be done with treatment in september

i assumed too much

i don't know how to deal with this
i feel alone
so sad
so alone
so gone

heavily empty

my eyelashes are wet again
and i don't know what to do

paint me a different color
i want to be someone else