i'm scrummaging through
sullenly searching, frantically looking
for every picture
every word
every memory of you
i'm trying to make you live forever
i know that's what i'm doing
i don't care if it's fucking ridiculous
where are you
fuckfuckfuck
where was i
i'm so sorry
i'm so sorry
i'm finding it hard to
salty water take me back
to narrow brooklyn hallways
to pittsburg slip and slide
potato sack races
lip sync contests
riding on the back of my brother
taking pictures with them
oldest to youngest
riding on bikes up hills
too steep to climb
back when i first felt pain
first embarrassed about my ear
first embarrassed to be me
bring me back to sitting on my pop's shoulders
when grandma showed me how to dance with my hands
when ma taught me a lesson about littering
spit gum out the window
she stopped the car and made me find it
stop traffic
pick it up
and throw it away
remember the first time you were nostalgic about music?
how it made you feel
your first moment of remembering something
that sweet familiar
a moment returned to
a moment prayed for
i'm sitting here paralyzed by my own fingertips
my hand misses your hand
i'm exhausted from having to stand so tall
i am depleted and alone in a bathroom stall
waiting for another tantrum
beating back the drum behind my eye
emotions sweat
and my jaw won't stop clicking
my gut won't stop churning
my chest keeps locking
i get the shakes cause i don't sleep
i don't sleep cause my body won't relax
can't breathe
pace
pacing
i don't want to die
i want to die
how does that work? i'm just too pussy to kill myself. too much of a wuss to live. my arms hurt. unrest boils in the blood beneath this skin.
my eyes are tired. but not at all.
don't make sense out of me. don't make any sense.
i'm banging out one more tune
in the name of insomnia
i'm exhausted with being frustrated
exhausted with being insane
sanely, ofcoarse
which in some opinions
is even worse
so maybe i have changed a little
my tude, my hair color, my heart
what of it fuckers?
who really gives a rat's ass?
so all is lost
everything was won
another trophy gained
another dream slept on
leaning on rocks
and cuddling with clean sheets
at least i got my dignity
at least i said my piece
so fuck it all
and fuck again
sleep awkward with me
and all the dogs
hit me with your best punch
and you bet your toosh i'm bouncing back
i'm here on this physical plane
and i'm gonna live out loud
it's the least i can do
it's the most i can do
so come off your high horse of doubt
try me
i'm listening
stop being an asshole
cause i'm on the move
rolling on a river
gonna make mary proud
speak up
cause waves acrashin'
and i only gots one ear to hear ya
so speak up if you need me
it can all be over
believe that
all this is subject to change
it's up to you to row your boat
sink with integrity
rise with serenity
it's up to you now
yes indeedy, all up for grabs
reach out and hold on to it
embrace it
before the tide takes it all away
it's the damn truth
the tide will take all away
mark those words
it'll take away the bad
and it sure will take away the good
so off i drift
moving on to another land
gonna build me a home some where
gonna find me a tomb over there
a place i can lay this body and rest
where at last, there is peace
relief on this chest
i'm over being me
being me like this
the winds are blowing a little differently these days
goodbyes are scheduled
too late my friend
you forgot to show up my friend
you missed it my dear
life
it came and went
you were sleeping
you did not respond to the horns
i did not respond to the sirens
so off i drift
moving on to another land
gonna build me a home some where
gonna find me a tomb over there
a place i can lay this body and rest
sleep forever
regret at it's best
hit me with one.
i could use a good laugh.
tell me a story mad. a story sad.
rap to me about lamp lit streets.
staying out past curfew.
taking a walk cause you like somebody so much.
taking a walk because it hurts so much.
first fists. first pains.
heart stains.
rant about a first kiss. a twinkled eye.
a night tripped. a night broken.
waking up in the morning's familiar.
waking up at all.
cotton candy at carnivals.
my mind on her in intervals.
talk about anything life.
that song that makes you breathe easier.
should have been there earlier. fucking void.
fuck my head with a different answer.
give me a hug under fireworks.
tangent with me over a beer and a jameson shot.
do cartwheels on hospital beds.
keep dancing in my head.
it's funny how it all came about. this year. this life.
i'm doing inventory with half mooned eyes and i'm counting on you. leaning on that shoulder you always offered, never thought i'd take you up on it. here i go. i'm a little heavy so handle with care please.
i'm inhaling each full day and keeping track of the smiles, moments of perfect, waterfalls of defeat. bring me back to brazil. an old soul trying on naive, trying something new. uncomfortable. bring me back to a sidewalk in brooklyn where my life fell over and paid the price of a couple of teeth. a busted face. last summer. roller blade falls. waitressing. with heather. sublets. coming back to the doors where my names is imprinted. coming back home. kissing boys. looking in mirrors masked as friends. fighting. visits to prison. a friend gotten over. good company again. finally. fall in love. fall out. take a good look at my history half way around the world. be diagnosed with disease. a tsnunami. a hurricaine. go on the road. come back. go again. tell me your story, i haven't seen you in a while. show me what it was like to laugh that much. pump the tears out of me that much. grab hold of my gut and throw it around a little bit. hug me, not cause i'm the only one there to hug, but because you'll burst if you couldn't touch me one last time. let me visit my grandparents in the hospital. write to faces cause the guards won't let me in. write about faces cause i don't get to see them anymore. move. farther. closer. hold me. tighter. squeeze out emptiness. fill the cup with different answers. stop giving me coincidental time. timing bad. timing good. wisdom teeth gone. face swollen and beat. i'm beat. i'm loosening my grip. i'm tensing my jaw. i'm hoping for your call. i'm not gonna pick it up. trying not to ruin your day. i'm calling you. just in this moment. couldn't stand being alone. couldn't stand forgetting you. i got your voice mail again. dare i leave a message with all that is really on my lips. i wanted to make love. i wanted to make life. i wanted to tap on words, groove on concepts with you in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere. a couch in california. a subway on the way to central park. i sing that song cause it's all that fits. you fit.
finality. when last you breathed. i bowed deep into your left swollen foot into your breathless sheets. hyper ventilating. moistened your covers with tears. and i wished. i wished. i climbed closer to your hand and fell over your palm. lifted it over my forehead asking for forgiveness. kissed your still cheek. panted through your veins of cancer.
i came to see you in your new mountainous home. two hours it took. i was denied. our papers got lost. one prison to another. same rules apply. just different scenery. but i saw you through the window. i saw your pretty face and that little girl smile. i wanted a hug. i wished.
he came into town. my companion again. just for two weeks. two weeks ago. life changed. thought it had something to do with rent. thought it had something to do with life. had something to do with life ending. 2 months. i was told two months. at best. at best really took advantage of the situation, eh?
i'm angry. i kept hearing 'well yesterday she said' and 'just last night she was saying' and well I WASN'T FUCKING HERE LAST NIGHT. no. absent. no heather eyes for me. no heather talk.
on my way to the hospital from the airport i was stressing about losing her. when. how was i to get back to new york for her service in two months. what money. what dread. i stayed up all night with her. i saw a tear creep out of her sedated eye. i stayed up the following night. stayed awake all day. wasn't fighting sleep. embracing awake. she stopped breathing. did she hear me? i didn't mean for her to go early. i didn't mean to come so late. we had the service on friday. he sang hallelujah and i wished.
i want to sleep forever.
not my destiny to sleep forever. not yet.
i want to kiss till we bleed. i want to squeeze till we explode. want to talk till our voices are sore. write till life repeats itself. till it repeats you. where are you? come back. i miss you.
