3 hrs 13 mins 48 sec

how long does it take to watch it all crumble
july 1 1999
november 4 2005

came back home with him almost a year ago
november 7 to be exact

somewhere in the midst of our conversation i switched my rings to my other hand
i always said it was just show for the nyc thugs

feels a little naked now

put him to bed with words
the most important ones i hope he heard through his sleep
i love you
i love you
i love you

we agreed to stop pretending
pictures have been deleted

i'm fucking tired

he said someone else gets to meet you
after all this
and still all i want is you

why

gave me some reasons
always does

fighting now
it is worth the save
but not like this

so this is it
the break

it started with the breaking of the eucharist
it ended with a heart

no time wasted
no regrets

we're family

which means there is no sugar-coating
it is the end of a chapter

but we are family

which means to love and support
no matter what

to love someone more than your own desires

he said you always do what you think is right
one of his reasons

he really believes that
i really believe that

the cookie didn't crumble
it was just eaten

just cooking up a new batch
i said we're doing more for each other like this
then pretending there is still something to eat

exhausted

no poetic lines
not this morning

a year of stripping us down
a year of really looking at each other

and arriving at the courage to say good bye to us
shaking hands with the end

roar

put it on the line and feel it break off
fuck my soul and feel it dent
car crashes between my legs
fires burning through my fingers
it's okay
just one
it's okay
just me

fly away, far away
take off and take a piece of me
take the sparkle
it was a gift
take the birth, watch it grow
i'll call it a miscarriage
i'll let it be

putting on these red heels again
filling the cup with tears
who am i kidding
i don't cry
not my style
not my cool

so sing another song
apply it to every girl's lips
good color
good lipstick
got my layers on
wearing new york on my head
got LA on my skirt

i'm swimming in blessings
drowning in you
and you
and you
and you

heart's are over rated
just the bass drum of a day
always another song
always another breath
and i'm gonna make the best of mine

so come harmonize with me
or don't come at all
stay in your hills of poems
i'm gonna keep crawling through these feelings
stepping on clouds
swallowing communication
confronting honesty

scream for love
it's worth it

a wednesday alone

today i stayed at home
watched the light change from my backyard
listened to my life chime through giant's howl
smoked cigarettes like i've done so many times before
i got it down you know
smoking
the sitting, the standing, the taking it out of a fresh box
an almost empty box
the lighting
that first inhale
the smoke framing the company in front of me
but no company today
just me and the light change
i'm sitting in the middle of history
remembering the us
never really know what to say days like these
the only day of its kind
i'm here alone
making jello for my ma
she just got out of surgery
having fried chicken with my pops
before he goes and naps next to ma
i love them

i miss travelling
i miss creating
i miss me
i miss us
i'm already sad
new chapters
old songs
moving around place settings at that dinner table
aching like a motherfucker
ripping existance out of reality
making elbow room for other dreams

things change
impermanence is the only permanent
inconsistancy is consistant
show me otherwise
you can't can you
hurts like hell doesn't it

fuck
who knows man
who knew
but before any of us ever met
it was just me
that day back in '81
what a day
everything was new
everthing was for the first time

i'm fucking ridiculous
sounds like my life is over
this is not the end
this is where i came from

i'm still going on
i don't know with who
i don't know where
don't know how
don't know if i even deserve to
i'm not entitled to any of it
never was
but i'll figure it out right?

that's what everyone says
she'll figure it out
she's good

i am
i'm cool
i got this one

my swagger

you didn't cry that night when my dignity fell to the floor
but you did say 'it makes me feel like crying'
you didn't rage in that moment of a family torn
you said 'it makes me angry, i'm pissed'
and when my life began to wither at the corners
i screamed 'why' 'what the fuck'
and when i think about my voids
liquid memories fall out of my eyes
and when i shook that tail feather
it was like the song was written for the dance
and when that song was sung in that apartment that morning
it was as if the song was hugging my soul
but all you could do was want to leave
you said 'i'm starving, let's eat'
and all i can do is tuck in my feelings
feed them a chill pill and swagger behind

drained

i am so tired
and i'm not even employed presently
been a long time since i've been out of work this long
save trips out of the country

i hurt i tell him
he asks my body or my soul
my soul i respond
my soul i repeat

i'm trying to play tough
but i am so tired of getting over it
i don't know who i am anymore
say my name and i wouldn't know it

i remember when i wrote
last call for the asshole ball
i remember thinking
this is it, that's all

and when i asked the wanderer
to go about his business
and that is just what he did
his wife and family his new interest

and casper oh casper
behind jail bars he sends
all his love all his heart
to his little boy and me, his friend

trolie-- in georgia
with the peach but not really
in prison his fate
and the latter doing lines freely

and she's an alcoholic
she smokes up her dreams
she just keeps running
she's never quite good enough it seems

he wants to cry
he wants to chase
the whiskey with water
he's reaching for his face

she lost her brothers
the sad story continues
never to be mentioned
just running the loop

she's lost her sons
she lost her house
the dog pissed on the rug again
she feels like a mouse

he drums
its all he ever knew
then met me
and that's all he wanted to do

he got on a plane
he boarded the bus
she caught the train
escaping the us

she's leaving specificity
out of her words
he's ignoring the feelings
with his silent swords

she wants him to sit on her feet
squeeze on to a sofa and hover
hold her all night real tight
cause its all going to be over

over

getting over it

so tired of this verb
so tired of this herb

getting closer

on lovers

they dress the part to prove that 'something' to the world
it is a show, put on for the audience of their lives
and cozy and comfortable it is
what a pair they say
and your relationship becomes the height of talk
drifting upon the lips of many a friend
many a foe

well he does that because...
she always does this...
that's why he...
what? how could you say that?...
no no no it's him...
but if she didn't...
than he wouldn't...
and if none of the above
what is there really?

boredom staring into the eyes of boredom
drama staring into the eyes of drama
for the sake of something to bitch about
what a trend
the game 'bitchfest'
let's talk about everything that is fucked up
let's give in to the substance abuse
domestic violence
opressed silence

what ever happened to putting your heart on the line?
not safety, not childish endeavors of drunk driving
nor glaze for days, breathalizers and games
what ever happened to honesty?

so many masks, so many obstacles
just to get a little closer
one's whole life built around getting closer to another person
put like that, i think, what's wrong with that?

aha! but there is something disturbing
something never quite settled in that gut of yours
because after all of this chess playing is done
after the moving in, getting a pet, sharing a home
split the bills and have breakfast in bed
explore your bodies and meet the family
what is left?
happiness ever after?
you, someday, telling stories of 'once upon a time'

how 'bout once upon a time there was youth
there was where i could have been some body
those naked nights of young
useless nights of drink
coughing up a lung
so much money to pretend
so many unaccountable nights for a fight
getting aggression out
all to the wrong people
guns pointed at the wrong lover
the wrong mother
doesn't even look like my father
never could be my brother

but nonetheless here lies the blame
never me
always you
never you
always me

so chase him down
i think you're catching up
put your fool foot forward
leave your dignity out of the room

no one really wants the truth
not these days
that's not the cocktail of choice
oh no
never that
johnny walker black. neat please.

fucked. insecore. neurotic. emotional.

just can't stop writing
my addiction
my alcohol
my drug

sucking me up these letters they do
swallowing up those sparkles on your face
they remind me of stars
that star i thought i could someday be

but be...
what the fuck does that mean really

i listen to my nails smash against this keyboard
i'm stomping these feelings, tucking them away

and his goal, he says, is to remove his make-up
mine is to keep it on
can it, will it hide all this residue of you
does it reach the criteria of a woman in control

i'm popping out these eyelashes
maybe it will distract the hurt
apparantly not, though, the cab driver was a witness
saw my swagger as my body passed the headlights

god, not quite the actress i thought i was
not quite that sister
that daughter
that friend

i'll just keep singing songs
that's all that feels right
they explain all
but never enough
but fuck! something has got to suffice

certainly words
absolutely writing
somewhere when looking back at these combinations of letters
there is an answer
i hope
i wait

my heart breaks sometimes
but i wouldn't expect you to understand
what a dramatist!
what ache goes on in this one mind
what pain in the middle of my chest

i don't believe it
this is perpetuated
instigated
created

but creation is real
okay
fine
true

but i am responsible for the condition i am in
and i am in the proccess of accepting this state
and i will change it all right now

give my self some credit
here i go
i have to go get my wife and her man
too drunk to drive
too real to ignore

addictions and their needs
abuse in it's finest