thought bubbled me

this is my attempt to be honest
utterly and completely
maybe it's my lack of sleep that always puts me in the mood
maybe it's the feeling that dishonesty never brings about anything truly good

i do things like try to type properly
make the most of my day because
i don't know
i'm 25 and healthy
i can see
i can hear
i can walk
i'm an able human being
even in the face of disability
i've always felt different
but always had an affinity with everyone
some sort of familiar

i'm awkward when someone fancies me
like, i mean, when someone is attracted to me
always feel like it's some sort of charity
like i'm an exception to their rules
so never have i let my guard down, i guess
like really surrendered

i'm worried about my future a little bit
feel like i'm on a train someone mistakenly let me board
maybe they were at a shift change or a smoke break
at any moment i can be kicked off and left in the middle of nowhere
but for now,
i suppose i just ride
take in all the wonders of this remarkable trip

i'm about to move to koreatown
1 studio apartment all to myself
i'm truly excited
and truly petrified
i've never lived alone before
and i suppose i should do it now before life gets on and i have children and other obligations
although i swear no one will ever marry a girl like me

i like the place
feels like ny
feels like long beach
feels like somewhere i've lived before
i'm afraid of the non- surprise
you know what i mean?
for example, if i smoke a cigarette and put it in the ashtray and leave the ashtray in the black and white tiled kitchen beside the sink
it will, for sure, be right where i left it when i return home
or if i buy grapefruit juice and drink 5/8ths of it
the next day there will be exactly 5/8ths of it missing
or if i think of something silly and want to say it out loud
there will be no one to tell it to
or if i need a good cry
there will be no shoulder

oh well
was never one for tears on other people's shoulder anyway
giant has always sufficed
and before that
well
like i said
i'm a healthy, honest, able human being
i know where my pillow is
i can find the toilet paper in the bathroom to wipe the salt from my eye

i'm trying to live a life of worth
i'm hoping that i will be my ma's breath of fresh air
i love my brothers
my friends
really do
i don't think that loving people means the same thing as appeasing people
accomadating for people
i think loving people is seeing them for who they are
and seeing yourself
truly
then finding out if you can coexist in a moment
those very special moments
i have so many of them
and i love it
i'm honored to have as many as i do
you know, the good stuff

the shit that makes me twinkle sometimes
makes me cry sometimes

to be honest
i feel very alone these days
not neccessarily in a terrible way
just in a very clear...
i don't know
like i am the eye of my storm
and i see it all clearly
but chaotically
unblurred chaos

it barely makes sense, i know





gosh.
i miss holding hands.
and skipping.

feels like if i'm on this train i can't have those things anymore