table for one

sleep is slapping me clear across my face
bruising my eyelids
trying to unclench my jaw
wrapping me in a canopy
and yet i stare defiantly at my dreams

tossing and turning so still
i want to surrender
exhaust me words
exhaust me pray

there you are again
always you
what the fuck
again
and again
and again

it's fonder i think
all of it fonder
i used to think moreso when i slept
then i thought reality
when dreams come true type shit
no but now
it's better when i'm awake
and you're not here
this is where my thoughts of you roam the free-est
are the bestest
are right there down at par
exactly where i always imagined you'd be

this is when i'm not dissapointed
this is where my picture perfect world exists
no longer in dreams
i just figured it out
no longer in dreams
not even when the dreams came true
it was in the longing
that perfect idea of what was

see, cause in reality it isn't anything i remember
or thought it should have been
and in dreams, well dreams are just a reflection of reality
mine are anyway
but here
now
i can be awake
and play these silly picture shows of perfect imperfection
hope for something that no longer exists
not because it isn't coming back
it no longer exists because it just simply
no longer exists
i know
i've seen it with my own eyes
i felt it check out

right now
i get to pick and choose
every slide
every memory
every moment
that made me hope in the first place

cause reality ain't cutting it
and dreams don't bring it
not anymore

in your absence you are everything i remembered you to be