amputating sleep

some of the affects of little to no sleep are:

anxiety
paranoia
clicking jaw
sore limbs
back pain
heart pain
lack of appetite
not being able to handle too many sounds at one time
writing
crying, sometimes
very controlled numb tears
agitatation
clicking jaw
a bloody mouth, all the time
lack of emotion
exhaustion
silence
sadness
depression
in constant pain
clicking jaw
the needing, wanting and refusal of being alone
the ability to hear every minute sound
from that cat to the car to the creaking of my joints
to the difference between the refridgerator buzz and the heater hum
that bird and the other car driving the opposite direction
to the quiet burb of this computer and the neighbor approaching his door
to the sound of this tea hitting my lips and trinkling down my throat
clicking jaw
emptiness
a hollow cavity
gutted
hopeless
and you
fuck you
and you
fucking love you
and you
hate you
and you
no really, fuck you
and you
are fucking tearing me apart
and you
have no fucking idea
and you
i love
and you
drive me fucking crazy
and you
really really fuck you and fuck off
that indifferent feeling of driving with a blindfold on
walking right into a moving vehicle
smiling, kind of
in that numb, supposed to smile because that reminds me of something that used to make me happy kind of way
sleeping forever
clicking jaw
sleeping forever sounds very comforting
sudden death so close but never


and all of the above is why i can't sleep.
and all of the above is caused by no sleep.
i don't know which started which at this point.
but who cares?
what does it matter anyway.





the best sleep i had was with him. until that night. no not anymore. changes. should be used to it by now.

it's all good. i'm fine. the worst part is this jaw. fuck it's painful. and constant. when i eat. when i talk. when i yawn. when i sip my tea. it just never fucking stops.