unsung melody

because i can't seem to come up with a melody
i've opted to write

it's my ever steady friend
the one that is always there at my fingertips
sometimes i choose clenched fists
sometimes nail polish
but in the end
these words always win me over

these combination of letters
sorting them out to make sense
maybe it's easier than sorting life
micro managing strife

so for now
let me hide behind these letters
they eventually reveal me
they eventually heal me


you know i see things in that visual electric box
dancers
performers
singers
and i think
i could never do that
i could never be that


i don't know what it is with me
guess it's time to grow again arianna
guess it's time to fall
to rise
to sway from side to side
and feel the sun a little bit
drink the rain
soak the pain
wring it out
scream the shout
lose it all
lose myself in a snow ball
catch me when i fall
please

no


let me melt
i'll unravel myself
hit the gravel
dust myself off
and do it all again


so let it begin

pantie dropper

[in response to listening to a new friend's song]

pantie. dropper.
so fucking beautiful.


is that you??!


it's the shit that creates tears.
makes you wanna do cartwheels.
hold on to something real.
feel.


sorry i'm a sap sometimes.


it makes you wanna pull out all those old dresses
the ones you felt so pretty in
or maybe not for you
but maybe those worn jeans
the ones you felt the besterest in..
is that how you put it?
yeah the besterest


it reminds me of alot of faces
some i've lost along the way
some right in front of me
it reminds me of specific things i love about people
like laughing
alot
loud smiles till dawn
swapping life joke type shit
wish i was more type shit
could this be really be happening type shit
just that one singular moment
i promise i won't ask for more
i promise
i swear
if i could just put you in my pocket forever


it reminds me of dropped panties somewhere
skirting on some moist pillow case
left behind with the rest of that summer


yeah.
good work sir.
i just lived a whole movie listening to that.

mustered up my last bit of energy to throw this at you

can't shake this sick
can't sort this trick
can't stop this tick
stop stop
i'm not your fucking shtick


i won't sit nice for you
i don't fit right like you
i'm gonna wrinkle my skirt
gonna roll in this dirt
shave my head
save my bed
lose all sleep
hit me here
in the knees
watch me bleed
you soul tease

got me screaming yes please


yes please
my shins as my feet
now walk, you say
my chin as your concrete
now talk, you pray
my sin your midnight treat
now shine, you bray


but you can't hear me
fucking lock jaw
another bar crawl
but how could you hear me from up there?
any narcissism to spare?
how's the air up in that space?
how could you hear me
when you're standing on my face?


fuck this mask
this 'managing' this 'treatment'
take your foot off my chest
take away this suppressed
shake off this sick
sort out this trick
rid rid this tick
spit spit on your shtick

bruise bruise
on that muscle in the middle of your chest

that was from me
throwing bricks as you smirked

checking if your heart still worked

saw dust storm

mulling over breakfast pizza
taking in a life already lived
a life yet to be lived
red rooster serenades my naked ear
saw dust on the ground
saw dust in this head
but just when i close my eyes


somewhere in the west village
some many years ago



today la is gray skies
holding on to me like a blankie
in an upstate house
but no snow here
nope, just holding hands with green



i just wanted to talk to you
like we did that one time
when i was on the couch
and you were in the car
when i lost my keys and you let me in
when you lost your way and i came to get you
when we were in the middle of it all



we are
i know
in the middle
always in the middle
exactly where we should be




mulling over breakfast pizza
holding hands with green
listening with this naked ear and clicking jaw
under gray la skies
with my eyes open

... maybe this time

this little space is my little secret

it feels fresh

new

but not at the same time

like eating brownies and milk

i had some last night

it was fresh

new

doughy and dense

but it brought me right back

to those little girl dreams

before

when i could do anything

be anything

dream

those days where the days ran on to the next

all wrapped up in a beautiful ribbon

a present

for me

everyday

that little girl

who wasn't bothered by those 'don'ts'

that 'you're never gonna be enough'

cheers to filling cups again

this time like before

this time like never before

let's laugh till drool drips out our noses

radiate like that sun shining on that little girl

give like brownies and milk

squeeze a great big warm hug

until our toes twinkle with delight

and we have no choice but to cut a rug

and sing

out loud

just like that little girl

exactly like that uninterrupted little girl and her dreams

finding me

to begin.
to begin we must always acknowledge where we've been.
so here's to the past.
the passing.

chapter

when you let it all go
those years of bleached summers
rainy mondays painted pink and purple
stumbling down the road drenched in red red wine
singing in turqouise
waking up the house with ballooned condoms
assymetrical cuts
getting down with the best of 'em
shaking a tail in living rooms
sweeping it all up
broom broom

vroom vroom
in the bathroom
sometimes making love
sometimes
crying
sometimes shaving

shaving off yesterday
letting it all go
to the bone
to really see
really
see

be

naked



i never knew about that little scar on the back of my head
where hair doesn't grow
gonna ask my mom and dad about that one


i feel a little lighter
a little taller
a little buzzed



sometimes you gotta let go
to let it grow again


i miss you already.
i've been missing you.