track 5

it is now
it is here
you are with me right now painting smiles on my face
i listen to our songs
songs that i've kept close to my heart for so long
never knowing where they were really going
the destination has revealed itself

it is you
just you

and in some crazy backwards way
its ok
really ok that you are not here with me anymore
it's ok that we didn't finish listening to it all
it's ok

because i am here
listening to it now
listening to every note
knowing it was written for us
written for that moment that one beautiful day
one of the best days of my life
truly

and i live it right now

lean lean lean

here it goes
letting go
letting go
letting go go go

music does a number on me
shit
the tears
the tears of days lived
of tears of days ended

no worries
no drama

so heavy heavy the intangible heart
so awfully hollow the immeasurable part
a crimson glimpse of forever
nursing broken limbs from 12 days of summer

leaning into the pain
choosing life
choosing love
leaning right on through to the other side
trusting that life has my back
this is all going to work out
it's inevitable

everybody hurts
everybody heals
everybody joy

that's the drill
that's the drill

so it's my turn


enter the hurt

shortest long summer

there are things that no one may ever be let in on
not fully
the full experience is if you were there
actually there
touching
looking
seeing
like really seeing
listening

i savor
i embrace
i remember and let it live in me
now
in this pain
in this joy

my 12 days of summer

monumental love

and then...
oh boy
a talk
a talk that unleashed some deep rooted shit
derek brought up dj
he went down the list of all the dumb fuck things he does
he tried to defend his fatherhood
admitting to his downfalls
we went on like this for a couple hours
and then i introduced the idea of a shift of perception
perhaps a change in derek would possibly unlock the door to dj's passivity, dj's lack of worth
i attempted to stimulate... love
like all of the reasons why he loves his first born
how maybe he felt at his birth
when he first started walking
call upon the appreciation of dj's existence, rather than his burden
that lead to a history of which i wasn't entirely privy to...
letters, police, custody, mind games, hate games, lies, deception, regret, blame, pain
the robbing of one's stable datum

exhale

couldn't capture it all in these limited words
point is, it was heavy
i felt the joy and i felt the weight
the sadness and the disappointment
and there were tears

tears

it summons quite emotion when you see your big brother cry as you speak words of compassion, of love

the truth is, it's not dj's fault
and the truth is, it's not derek's either

it is an emotional feat when you realize that the person who just might heal you is the person you despise the most
the mirror that you refuse to see yourself in, just might be the clearest mirror you've ever laid your eyes upon

mostly, if there can be a mostly, it is about forgiveness

boy, i don't think i'm conveying, nor capturing much in these words that are being laid down
i just know my fingers won't stop



we also eventually discussed, somehow came up when i was trying to illustrate an 11 year old dj's mindset,
when i was 11
and somehow came upon the incident of me being taken advantage of
and how that was never addressed
we ended there
still to remain unaddressed

hm.
sadness crawls over me.

tears swelled up
maybe for another time


choose life.
choose happiness.
this is what i remind myself of tonight.


my brother bear #1 is a true miracle
he is the glue that kept my parents
without him, i would not exist
so it is by leaning into this pain of a life lived
and leaning right on through that we find a life worth living
and there we were
the three of us
truths bouncing off our tongues
realness streaming down our cheeks
and holding each other with the air we breathed


so much for any hope for my untormented childhood
but you know what?
i looked in your eyes tonight and i caught emerson's too
i watched water fill up in my brother's and his wife's eyelashes wet just by looking at him
i take in the friends, the laughter, the new and the old
the 'i can't go on days'
those 'someone show me where my feet are days'
and i find serenity

i find solace in choosing to love
even on the stormiest most wretched horrific darkest lowly lonely days when dignity wants nothing to do with us
i am love
i am love

you blow me away.

truth.

who gave you permission to do that?
what right do you have?

my favorite part about you
wanna know?
it's not those brilliant eyelashes that when pointing at me i feel oh so lucky
or the shape of your eyelids behind your glasses when every hope you ever had seems to be ready to nose dive into the world on the tip of your raised brows
my favorite part about you does not lay on a bookshelf of solitude company, the peace and new lands you travel, the culture and enlightenment you receive
it's not your long body so close to mine that one morning oh so kind curled up to one side of the couch
it's not the blue pen mark you left as a reminder on your cushion
my favorite part isn't taking a walk through your high school yearbook and somehow sharing new memories with you from some where i didn't even attend
or telling you my life story and you giving me the epiphany... no one really did have my back
it's not champagne mornings
break of day songs
borrowed space
nor the smell of your sweater against my skin
your plastic utensils
or your beautiful note from katherine hepburn
your hand on my knee
your heart in my pocket

i asked you if you wanted to eventually edit movies, shows, etc...
you simply smiled
and said you're happy where you're at
you enjoy your job
you love what you do
that's my favorite part
you are content, in the best way possible
so simple

you love what you do
makes me think, anyone would be lucky to work with you, know you, be your friend, be your lover
because you are that pure, that simple
that thorough
you are love
that is my most favoritist part


oh... and it's definitely not those scars on your cheeks that glisten

no. more. broken. hearts.

don't know why it happened
or how
but it did
inevitably, i suppose

"...and the burst of love's fierceness
cannot be contained in silly predictions
of how things should be
or could be
sometimes love has it's own expedition
to one's soul
in the most unlikeliest of pairs"

truth.
i don't want to ever have to get over this one
pattern.
leaning in, leaning through, getting over
solution.
be still

time capsuled moments
keeping them forever
content that they happened at all
and if ever i forget, i will find you in me again
every time the sun rises to watch the sky slip on those sexy blue jeans
that one morning we were visitors in their love affair

you have yours
and i have mine
there's a reason you gave me back my heart
and if ever i wonder what could have been
i'll think of that moment, in jest at best
but truth none the less

here
we
go

must maintain life, so that i can enjoy the chaos at its fullest

its not almost the way, it is the way.
everyday.
like remember how incredible it was when the sky slid on those sexy blue jeans?
and there we were on a balcony swapping thought bubbles?
or on a couch moving in on each other's smiles?
the sun rising to listen in on our song?

believe it or not, that very sun rises everyday.
because it loves to watch that sky get dressed.
we were just a happy coincidence.
their love affair's visitor.

but that moment happens. for the sun. for the sky. for melody, smiles, and thought bubbles.
for rainy days.
love. every. single. day.
just gotta show up.
show.
up.