monumental love

and then...
oh boy
a talk
a talk that unleashed some deep rooted shit
derek brought up dj
he went down the list of all the dumb fuck things he does
he tried to defend his fatherhood
admitting to his downfalls
we went on like this for a couple hours
and then i introduced the idea of a shift of perception
perhaps a change in derek would possibly unlock the door to dj's passivity, dj's lack of worth
i attempted to stimulate... love
like all of the reasons why he loves his first born
how maybe he felt at his birth
when he first started walking
call upon the appreciation of dj's existence, rather than his burden
that lead to a history of which i wasn't entirely privy to...
letters, police, custody, mind games, hate games, lies, deception, regret, blame, pain
the robbing of one's stable datum

exhale

couldn't capture it all in these limited words
point is, it was heavy
i felt the joy and i felt the weight
the sadness and the disappointment
and there were tears

tears

it summons quite emotion when you see your big brother cry as you speak words of compassion, of love

the truth is, it's not dj's fault
and the truth is, it's not derek's either

it is an emotional feat when you realize that the person who just might heal you is the person you despise the most
the mirror that you refuse to see yourself in, just might be the clearest mirror you've ever laid your eyes upon

mostly, if there can be a mostly, it is about forgiveness

boy, i don't think i'm conveying, nor capturing much in these words that are being laid down
i just know my fingers won't stop



we also eventually discussed, somehow came up when i was trying to illustrate an 11 year old dj's mindset,
when i was 11
and somehow came upon the incident of me being taken advantage of
and how that was never addressed
we ended there
still to remain unaddressed

hm.
sadness crawls over me.

tears swelled up
maybe for another time


choose life.
choose happiness.
this is what i remind myself of tonight.


my brother bear #1 is a true miracle
he is the glue that kept my parents
without him, i would not exist
so it is by leaning into this pain of a life lived
and leaning right on through that we find a life worth living
and there we were
the three of us
truths bouncing off our tongues
realness streaming down our cheeks
and holding each other with the air we breathed


so much for any hope for my untormented childhood
but you know what?
i looked in your eyes tonight and i caught emerson's too
i watched water fill up in my brother's and his wife's eyelashes wet just by looking at him
i take in the friends, the laughter, the new and the old
the 'i can't go on days'
those 'someone show me where my feet are days'
and i find serenity

i find solace in choosing to love
even on the stormiest most wretched horrific darkest lowly lonely days when dignity wants nothing to do with us
i am love
i am love