cryptic horse shit

so now i see you on my tv
and i wish there was no screen
so you could really feel the spit
in your eye to smear your make up
because you haven't made up for the lie
you turned away from me so sudden
fuck off
fucked me
sucked in
blew out
fly away little lies
float me some truth
life without you is better
life fake in an electric box

you disgust me kid
want to vomit at your hair
wasted time
wasted kiss
stupid me
stupid your lines
so fake fake electric box
fake fake kiss and miss
get out you fuck
wash my hands
clear the slate
clean it up
clean it up

the mirror was fogged
dirty and all wrong

and just on the other side i found me
on the other side
sewn up and dusting you off
and embracing him
mascara dart toward him

i just miss you

... i've been very quiet lately
and i'm sorry


been living out loud with some familiar blood
and it's been nice
how like attracts like
how love begets love


i'm looking forward to today
and i can just tell already
that it's an important one


i got all these prayers between my palms
and i'm dropping them
watching them manifest
and i wanted to take you
just for a minute or two
to come watch them with me
all these little prayers
dropping
finding their way in cracks
deep
only to effortlessly grow right back up toward me
like being in the middle of smiles
a garden of them


yeah
it's nice
best garden i've ever seen


won't you come soon to visit me
please
because there you are
one of my prayers
so quiet

been so quiet lately
i'm sorry

all in a sea salt rinse

i wonder if toxants are released through tears


i've been detoxing lately
a little drink i mixed up
a little life i shook up
made some new decisions
like the decision that maybe i do deserve everything i ever wanted
i've been accepting cheese on a cheese platter
i've been eating it
and it taste damn good


went on a drive with consequence
to pick up a consequence of my past
of my present
of my future

and i'm grateful
it's good, you know
life
is
good
if you want it to be
if you really wanted to see it the way you always hoped


poof
and every once and awhile i get depleted
and scared
like i'm not doing enough
i'm trying to show up for you


but i'm detoxing
and i'm sick
and i'm hoping
to hope

christmas eve

having conversations with yesterday
a new day
just by the merest fact of yesterday being this day

and sometimes i'm dissapointed
i'm fucking angry
with all this new
trying on all these new shades of blue
the sky looked so pretty today
and i wore this hue a little differently

reality chips away at these aching eyelids
and pound pound goes this heart
come sit next to me
so i can thank you
thank you for the anger
thank you for the love
for all the shit
and the hits that now mark me
like tattoed incisions across my body
this vessel called arianna
just skin bones and fat
missing ear and all
all that built me
all that i am

and i will stand
to hug
to write
to wish you the merriest of everyday
even when the days may be painted slate blue
fucked and foggy
unclear and painful
open arms
open arms
come hold me awhile
i promise
i'll hold you back

elephant clouds

and on these days
one at a time
counting blessings as i go
say hello

on rocketships to the moon
i wave at elephant clouds
stop for a moment to twist and shout with you
and then ease right back on that sky trail
say goodbye to the numeric dates that bound us
on these days one at a time
counting blessings as i go
say hello

to my rocket
gonna rocket

got my best sneaks on
gonna kick all these boogie monsters
right in the face and take my little place
peel off this mask
and float out of space
got my best sneaks on
gonna kick

always had this dream
that smiling was okay
if you're happy and you know it clap your hands
when you're sad and you know it just dance

got this dream about growing up
and being exactly what i always wanted to be
the pilot to my very own rocket
a smiling robot with all the gadgets to live dreams

got my best sneaks on
gonna kick all these boogie monsters
right in the face and take my little place
peel off this mask
and float out of space
got my best sneaks on
gonna kick

she pissed her pants!

i'm taking a break from the zine
just for a moment

i just want to say
well
fuck
i love my life


i love my family
so much

it's a fairytale kind of christmas

hardwood floors are canvases too

i got this crazy maybe
swinging it's kicks at the edge of my palm
23 always

all that can be done
will be done
meanwhile
we'll just keep
enter dancing