snack time

words used to come so easy
before there was expectation
but i'm letting that go
and i'm writing

this year.
2015.

the scion was totaled
the computer broke
the abscess grew
the job ended
the accident happened
his wedding occurred
i lost sweet trust
i lost my grandma
he lost his dad
i'm pregnant
i'm engaged
rory is potty trained
rory is my daughter

i'm a mom
everything i thought being a mom is
is
and so much more

you don't get to eat when you want to eat
or sleep when you want to sleep
...or write when you want to write
like right now, she is having a meltdown
and she has to go apologize to papa
for hitting him when he was only trying to
give her love
i have found that the things that annoy me
i don't voice as much
i just remove myself from the situation
like people who don't understand
how to be with a child
their needs
the way they need to be communicated to
the patience it takes
the understanding
and awareness it requires
not everyone has it in them
to be amongst children
to really dedicate themselves to
the development of their upbringing
i'm learning that now
i've been spoiled in that way
surrounded by folks who innately
know family, what it takes to be in a family
how to put other people's needs before yours

the argument is
put other's before yourself
or put your own needs first

both are fair enough
but here's the deal
you gotta decide who you are
which one you are
and actually
if you were really smart
you'd know
that its always about serving others
and those times in life when you have to put yourself first
it is ultimately, to put serve the greater good
and you'll know the difference when the time comes
especially when you're a parent
because everything is for them
even when it seems it's not

morning rambles
couldn't sleep last night
the weight of tomorrows had me reeling
tossing and turning
still has me reeling
tossing and turning

anyway
off to wipe her peanut buttered mouth
we're done with our snack