monumental love

and then...
oh boy
a talk
a talk that unleashed some deep rooted shit
derek brought up dj
he went down the list of all the dumb fuck things he does
he tried to defend his fatherhood
admitting to his downfalls
we went on like this for a couple hours
and then i introduced the idea of a shift of perception
perhaps a change in derek would possibly unlock the door to dj's passivity, dj's lack of worth
i attempted to stimulate... love
like all of the reasons why he loves his first born
how maybe he felt at his birth
when he first started walking
call upon the appreciation of dj's existence, rather than his burden
that lead to a history of which i wasn't entirely privy to...
letters, police, custody, mind games, hate games, lies, deception, regret, blame, pain
the robbing of one's stable datum

exhale

couldn't capture it all in these limited words
point is, it was heavy
i felt the joy and i felt the weight
the sadness and the disappointment
and there were tears

tears

it summons quite emotion when you see your big brother cry as you speak words of compassion, of love

the truth is, it's not dj's fault
and the truth is, it's not derek's either

it is an emotional feat when you realize that the person who just might heal you is the person you despise the most
the mirror that you refuse to see yourself in, just might be the clearest mirror you've ever laid your eyes upon

mostly, if there can be a mostly, it is about forgiveness

boy, i don't think i'm conveying, nor capturing much in these words that are being laid down
i just know my fingers won't stop



we also eventually discussed, somehow came up when i was trying to illustrate an 11 year old dj's mindset,
when i was 11
and somehow came upon the incident of me being taken advantage of
and how that was never addressed
we ended there
still to remain unaddressed

hm.
sadness crawls over me.

tears swelled up
maybe for another time


choose life.
choose happiness.
this is what i remind myself of tonight.


my brother bear #1 is a true miracle
he is the glue that kept my parents
without him, i would not exist
so it is by leaning into this pain of a life lived
and leaning right on through that we find a life worth living
and there we were
the three of us
truths bouncing off our tongues
realness streaming down our cheeks
and holding each other with the air we breathed


so much for any hope for my untormented childhood
but you know what?
i looked in your eyes tonight and i caught emerson's too
i watched water fill up in my brother's and his wife's eyelashes wet just by looking at him
i take in the friends, the laughter, the new and the old
the 'i can't go on days'
those 'someone show me where my feet are days'
and i find serenity

i find solace in choosing to love
even on the stormiest most wretched horrific darkest lowly lonely days when dignity wants nothing to do with us
i am love
i am love

you blow me away.

truth.

who gave you permission to do that?
what right do you have?

my favorite part about you
wanna know?
it's not those brilliant eyelashes that when pointing at me i feel oh so lucky
or the shape of your eyelids behind your glasses when every hope you ever had seems to be ready to nose dive into the world on the tip of your raised brows
my favorite part about you does not lay on a bookshelf of solitude company, the peace and new lands you travel, the culture and enlightenment you receive
it's not your long body so close to mine that one morning oh so kind curled up to one side of the couch
it's not the blue pen mark you left as a reminder on your cushion
my favorite part isn't taking a walk through your high school yearbook and somehow sharing new memories with you from some where i didn't even attend
or telling you my life story and you giving me the epiphany... no one really did have my back
it's not champagne mornings
break of day songs
borrowed space
nor the smell of your sweater against my skin
your plastic utensils
or your beautiful note from katherine hepburn
your hand on my knee
your heart in my pocket

i asked you if you wanted to eventually edit movies, shows, etc...
you simply smiled
and said you're happy where you're at
you enjoy your job
you love what you do
that's my favorite part
you are content, in the best way possible
so simple

you love what you do
makes me think, anyone would be lucky to work with you, know you, be your friend, be your lover
because you are that pure, that simple
that thorough
you are love
that is my most favoritist part


oh... and it's definitely not those scars on your cheeks that glisten

no. more. broken. hearts.

don't know why it happened
or how
but it did
inevitably, i suppose

"...and the burst of love's fierceness
cannot be contained in silly predictions
of how things should be
or could be
sometimes love has it's own expedition
to one's soul
in the most unlikeliest of pairs"

truth.
i don't want to ever have to get over this one
pattern.
leaning in, leaning through, getting over
solution.
be still

time capsuled moments
keeping them forever
content that they happened at all
and if ever i forget, i will find you in me again
every time the sun rises to watch the sky slip on those sexy blue jeans
that one morning we were visitors in their love affair

you have yours
and i have mine
there's a reason you gave me back my heart
and if ever i wonder what could have been
i'll think of that moment, in jest at best
but truth none the less

here
we
go

must maintain life, so that i can enjoy the chaos at its fullest

its not almost the way, it is the way.
everyday.
like remember how incredible it was when the sky slid on those sexy blue jeans?
and there we were on a balcony swapping thought bubbles?
or on a couch moving in on each other's smiles?
the sun rising to listen in on our song?

believe it or not, that very sun rises everyday.
because it loves to watch that sky get dressed.
we were just a happy coincidence.
their love affair's visitor.

but that moment happens. for the sun. for the sky. for melody, smiles, and thought bubbles.
for rainy days.
love. every. single. day.
just gotta show up.
show.
up.

currently

you sleep
finally
your body longer than the space you occupy
playing hookey from slumber
watching blue light fill the room
you talk yours
i talk mine
gotta get a bunny for your bathroom
a fan in the living room
swallow each other's time line
trade hearts
a new page, new words
chapter endings, cliffhangers
and new stories to begin

it sure was quite the rainy day
masked by clear skies and moonlit couches
my toes dancing upon your perfect sofa
my stuff strewn across your apartment
a visitor during a drizzle
borrowing space
like the space beside you
your limbs hang off the bottom
you're taking back sleep
right. now.
good for you

you're taking it all back
sweet
i got to witness some of the first moments
the first few sentences of your newest masterpiece

the beautiful thing about keeping a journal

document.
right now.
"i said that it's important to write things down, um
basically i said that there are a million awesome things that you forget...
oh sheeshesh, do you remember the essence of what i said?"
(cont) "doomed."

monumental. moment.

be great tonight

oh sweet slumber that never comes
let's be jolly even when our mates are asleep
let's draw pictures of the fortunate ones
let loud smiles be for tomorrow's keep

don't you know sweet slumber, you tease
it is not i, but you who will suffer defeat
for i live in the land of the infinite free
to paint my desired reality, i needn't a dream

you are a thief behind my lids
you forge my virtue in your land of make-believe
blaming me for a sub conscience slid
eyes open, no sleep, as far as the eye can see
oh sweet slumber, despite you,
look how far these dreams can reach

i thought not.

normalcy.
how do you decipher between hearing in mono and stereo
you would block off sound right?
maybe with your hand or even turn off a speaker on one side
for me, mono is all i know
my lack of an ear has always made me have to listen that much more
that much more closely
to the timber in someone's voice
sometimes even hearing their words in syncopation with their heartbeat bouncing off their tongue
like hearing them say "i'm all good" as their dignity sweats down their own throat to their gut
dropping them to their knees inside, but outside they stand so tall
and outside, all i can do is give them a hug
and that to me
is normal

speed.
how do you measure the speed in which a child becomes beyond joyed when he gets that exact baseball bat he wanted
or how quick the delicate, lonely heavy silence is broken
by music that stimulates a soul for a lifetime, that promises to never abandon you ever
how long does it take for you to realize those chips on your shoulder are only chips because you believe they are
and that at any point, you can reach over, grab them, make them any flavor you want, and eat them
and they would seize to exist
can you weigh the empty of a bleak future at the mercy of circumstance for all the bad decisions of the world
or compute how many chicken noodle soups and grilled cheese sandwiches it's going to take to heal
what incremental form can quantify the momentum of love
the burst of love's fierceness
the explosion of love's spontaneous

somethings we can't capture or define
like a flood
a natural disaster
all we can do
if we are so lucky
is to show up
and hope there is something to listen to
pray that joy from that kid and his new bat rubs off on you
dance when the music plays
savor the crunch and taste of each and every chip
slurp the soup and pound down the grilled cheese
get so full till even them bad decisions have no choice but to believe

i personally know not the speed of inspiration
i just know that when it comes
i hope it chooses me to be one of the fortunate one's

flooded

dripping words onto blank documents
finding truth in letters
exercising the imagination
using real life as the inception
then walking through scenes like dreams
cultivating an outline for a story i plot
yet discover it at the same time
simultaneously
tremendously
dialogue pulses through my wrists
by way of my heart
my fingers are no match
the letters are much too rapid to catch
so i take what i can get in an outline
not quite 20 pages but tokens of a lifetime
condensed in fragmented snippets
i am the architect of these weathered trinkets
that are soon to be a story
and like all good ones, goes a bit sour
bruised and beaten
a story about a family
about an individual within a family
finding the boundary free limits of one's own perimeters
a story about what it means to be an american dreamer
overcoming
and having to overcome again
inevitably
i hope to fill this document
so i may share with the audience
a man
finding his way home
by way of his own worth
not that of his brother, nor his mother
or even his sister who tells the tale
but of his own merit
only to find
he is, he exists, he lives
because of the people in it

... time in our schedules

dictatorship, no good
sitting under night clouds in the neighborhood?
doesn't get much better
swapping words finding out you matter

... added rice to your protein

and you and i, we be monday night breaths on top of concrete
between the night sky wanting to get closer to green
cause even the street lamp is listening in
trying to steal a little of our oxygen
so mondays be yours
mondays be mine
coexist in a moment
to watch each other shine