this lil' light of mine

i could never capture that one morning on the couch in san diego
i woke up early and looked out the window
you came up behind me and gave me a squeeze
a squeeze of a million squeezes never to come again

or that sleep near a red wall, under a canopy in brooklyn
naked bodies beside each other
dry throats because of the radiator
cold wind from the crack in our window from the side of an air conditioner
us tucked into each other begging for warmth
us tugging into each other begging for salvation

early mornings on western avenue
my feet kicked out of a window
your sleepy eyes gazing over at me as the sun woke up
your hand on the small of my back
me staying up just in time to move my car
you fighting sleep
just in time to remind me where home was

breakfast noodles
you and my brothers
your eyes so bright
talking till all odd hours of the morning
glazy
from love
resting on your belly
loving the crevice between your brows
the dent between your ear and your neck
and laughing
loudly
my head on your thigh
my breath on your collar

innocent touching in the bed of my dad's truck
tongue spitting under blankets
wishing we were older
wishing we were forever
hugging every word we exchanged
every glance
making love to an idea

you and me on the sofa
a quickie
an adolescent phase
you inside of me saying you can't go any further
because you see my mother
you see her light in me

wanting so badly to touch
we gotta do it in a parking lot
i remember you being so large i could burst
i felt you on my tailbone

or in a long beach bathroom
kissing so hard our lips almost burst

in that one apartment
you were so coked out you shaped your mouth to fit mine

in a diner somewhere
when a cloud of creamer powder framed my body
and somehow through the mist of white
you saw me
like a gentleman
you came back

or that note you left me
it said something about you losing your cell phone
and if i would be so kind to 'drop it back off at our house'
and you crossed out 'our' and said 'my'
and some where in there i felt like i belonged with you for awhile

and him for awhile
and him

or that very first time
when we made love
you never forget your first
the one's in between may get muddled
for some people
but no doubt
the first

and when you're some one's first
no, never forget those either
he was sweet

... sometimes it doesn't even have to go that far
sometimes its just first loves
the wreckage, the blessing
the set up for the rest of your life

may there always be light shining on you some where
because in my memory
when i can capture it
if i am so lucky
you are always shining inside of me