shoeless american

how very english of me
drinking tea and smoking american cigarettes
holding tight to my american sleep pattern

upstate new york began to scream at my memory
while on my way to birmingham from heathrow
that was yesterday
already feels like a week
today we drove about on the country side
felt a lot like northern california
hills and trees
my childhood echoing to me over fields of green
.. it’s already been a lifetime

so heavy travelling is on my eyelids
so heavy it all seems somewhere in the middle of my chest
foreign land
but so much familiar
places i’ve been before
places i may never return to
so is the curse of living
of travelling
an ability to say hello for the first time
say good bye not knowing it is the last

his parents are conservative
we sleep in separate rooms
separate beds
we seem to get on well though
it does provide a different experience however
i woke four times in the night
sort of misplaced and out of sorts
but ah, no worries
just alone in a twin bed
on an island in europe
with dial up internet
and more baked goods than my tummy cares to discuss

david and pam were the first to collect us at the airport
that was good
a good genuine hug never hurt anyone
actually makes some one feel better
like they belong
like they were wanted
they named off all 17 cats living in their house
hence why i got a case of allergies straight off
i fell asleep en route on a blanket
surely at one point used as a bed for one of the many kittens
see, i belonged to them too

meeting the parents always solidifies a relationship
felt like i had been to this junction before in my life
something awkward
like the shoe not quite fitting yet
still has to be worn in
lived in

or perhaps we should just go shoeless

... which is what we actually do
no shoes in this birmingham cottage
and the place settings are set for any given tea/ coffee time
and there is a folded napkin and proper utensil for every bit of the way

a bath tub used only for bathing
a toilet room used only for toilets
a hot water tap for the sink
and a separate cold one

and they asked if i would be willing to live in the uk in the event of marriage
and they asked with whom i lived with in ny
they asked if i preferred la oppsed to ny
despite tom’s wishes to be discreet
i opted honesty
on all questions
i answered, as i have answered all along, i prefer my family
even when they did not prefer me
but i didn’t say the latter

the uk greeted us with wind and sun
i here it’s a rarity in these parts
not quite sold on it yet
although today was calm and gray
currently the status is 1 to 1

was a bit emotional when i was leaving
i know it’s only a few weeks
but even on the brink of new experience is sadness

i read bukowski all night
he spat rawness at me that i understood
and i understood that he is not me
my soul is obligated to much more than drink
and sex
and horse races
cigars
and after hour strip clubs
one night stand motel rooms
and poking the life out of intellect
no, hank is the real thing
the real cheese
that fine bitter bite that you fear
but you eat it anyway
because you can
because it’s your life
and you can do as you please

i am velveeta
i’ve been processed and spit out and processed again
i’ve been groomed by my history
from the faces that i could never wrong
the meals that i couldn’t afford
the pillows of kindness
and all the shit that was endured
the slaps in the face
the knocks to my knees
the lack of an ear
the shit end of the stick
didn’t make me harder
didn’t make me bitter
it gave me humility
it gave me love

and this warm tea to sip
this humble life i live
these tiny words to scratch
this bit of heart to give