the things we never know

i'm going to write it all now before now changes
so presently i am about a mile away for an audition i am an hour early for, in my fashion
sitting in front of my oldest brother's house thought i could use his internet to jot down a few words
he and my sister in law and my baby niece ella are out for the day
the audition is one my manager, my sister in law, got me in for
a short film
i play a war veteran
paralyzed

four years ago today i was preparing for a show, losing my mind
in my most precious dreams i only hoped...
to see these faces smiling back at me
happy to see me
now they root for me
and all my new dreams i'm finding difficult to dream
i mean, now that the war is over
the war in my family
i'm so uncertain where my dreams lay now

what happens when dreams come true?
can someone tell me?

when the inventory is done
the casualties are counted and accounted for
the wounds healed

creation, i suppose
but am i ready?
i don't know
but did i ever


i want to sing
songs resonating from another space and time
something God sent
i want to dance
like their could have been no other movement to this song
i want to speak words and hold the world every once and awhile
i want to write my truest truth
love my most lovingly
kiss
alot
smile
plenty


but i don't want to disappoint you
i hate that
your sullen eyes shift a bit
unable to look me in the eye
not wanting to say
i expected more from you
so much more


remember when the fighting stopped
and things were found
things were lost
things were left behind
things endured the test of time
things were forgotten
things were remembered
and what once made me cry
now makes me roar with laughter
and remember how all of this was the reason why i could keep walking
and now because of all of this resolve
i am paralyzed