torn and burnt

once upon a time not long ago
i believed in these pages
latched together by hope
by just because

now my just becauses are in a bit of a loss of cause
i am always a beat away from failure
from nothing
sometimes i want to speed up the process
just shoot myself and be done with it
done with love
done with life
shit
shit

a prayer

somewhere, someday
love will make sense
somehow, some way
there's someone who will dance with my intense
some place not too far away
he's hoping for the same chance
to find me and sway
maybe hold my hand

wouldn't it be lovely

somewhere, someday
love will make sense
somehow, some way
there's someone who will dance with my intense
some place not too far away
he's hoping for the same chance
to find me and sway
maybe hold my hand

monthly dues

guess we know now
all that never was
it's better this way
i know
what does it matter anyhow
it was barely an idea
kinda like life itself
kinda


it wasn't meant to be afterall
right
at least we found out now sooner than later
before all of our things got tangled up
intertwined
don't need to separate books or dishes
no need to sort out what belongs to whom
they were always in it's proper place anyway
just visiting
just visiting


so leave now
i'll sweep up the wet
mop up the sweet nothings
wring it out
run it down the drain
and pay the rent

and where your head once laid, i will squeeze
and where your body once was, i will hold on tight to this duvet
and i will watch it all fade away

serves me right

it's such a shame that i spent 7 years with someone who wanted me
but i did not receive him
completely
completely as i could


and now i am with someone who i want
but can not wrap his head around what he wants
if i'm what he wants

.. and my dad said no one will ever love you as much as miles did
you know, take care of you
probably won't happen again


you're right dad
probably not

... like sunday morning

such an eloquent disaster occurs when the heart gets captured
taught new rhythms never heard
so virginal to jump into love
no matter how many times you've jumped
tucking into naive
really paying attention
learning

cause the temperment is different this time
the dance and the song
the movement and passion
in bed and otherwise
different



have you decided yet?
will this be the face to wake up to and fall in love with every morning
the bones and skin to grow older with and to do your parts in changing the world
will that little lady always be proud of her guy, that young man always watching out for his girl
are these the palms to bow to when the light is dying?
to thank for all the memories
the blessings
the lessons
is this your family?



will you fight to laugh when there are no smiles to be had
will you scream to cry when emotions are numbed
will you know how to cheer her up when her heart goes sad
will you know how to support his back when his pride's been shunned



pay attention
the answers are already there
don't need to be told how
not anymore
just listen for it
right
now

play it again

moving on
naked bodies learning a new way to dance
with a different partner
different songs for a whole new romance
some of the same though
some



it'll never be that one day in brazil
playing miniature golf on the side of a hill
smiling


that one night on a couch in san diego
when we filled each other with hope
till morning


or drives to ontario to visit your son
a little sister just keeping her big bro company
still learning


remember when we climbed that little mountain in japan
boy, i'm sure fuji has long forgotten us
but i haven't


or when i first talked back to you
"go ahead and hit me" i said
silly daughter
lost in adolescence


what a funny trick,
the loss of innocence

can't draw you

sometimes i draw pictures
just to remember eyes looking at me
your eyes
so soft
a lash or two pointing at me
choosing me
wow



how beautiful two lovers lay under duvets
and canopies
holding close dear
the world between them
holding sweet love
defying all those thougts that condemn
surrendering to cotton heated nights
painting love with fingertips
sliding the length of your body
resting my head in your palm



nothings forever
but maybe if i can draw it all
i can come visit whenever i want
we can hold hands and kiss in front of a setting sun
over a coffee and potato chips
maybe i'll see you're face cradled around the curl of my smoke
and all will be like those very first touches
when our fingers finally touched
because they wanted to
maybe i can draw
something that was meant to be
no accident neccessary


maybe someday i'll be able to draw
everything
so you can can see what i saw

hey red

no red
no red
negative
two tests
doesn't two make a positive
doesn't two make three
never me
never me



who said i wanted it anyway
no breath of life ever stays
who said i wanted it anyway
give it away give it away
hey



hey little one that never happened
wipe the dust off your knees when you fall
if you scrape yourelf, pat the blood
it'll be okay
hey
hey little one that never was
stop hiding your daddy's bandanas
eating all of his bananas
but if you insist
it'll be okay
hey
hey little one never created
you're not less when you cry cause your heart feels broken
you're not more because you won and your classmate didn't
be grateful be humble
share
and it'll be okay
hey


who said i wanted it anyway
no breath of life ever stays
who said i wanted it anyway
give it away give it away
hey

hit me

surprise surprise
and look what we have here
life preparing me for life
shocking


my stomach is less than at ease tonight
is it the lack of sleep
the deficency of red
the that-time-of-month blues
the unwritten future i see in that man's eyes
the already written past of...
well best not mention it


where will we live
what shall we do
when two become three
and we all get on with growing up
showing up
getting up
figure out this life stuff



when doors shut
other ones open
branding our names with the places we've been
getting the stamp ready for the places we'll be



such minute lessons in one single eyelash
so many tomorrows in one single touch
who knew things would turn out like this
the bets all in, banking on hollow chips



so kiss me now future
take me while i'm able
while i'm willing to do my part
take this anxious heart



fill me with what you must
win or lose
blackjack or bust
i'm playing this hand
my stake is in this man

dusty ole box

my head was just playing reruns of stupid days
cutting off house arrest bracelets in an adolescent sunny haze
losing my virginity on a bed not mine
not his either, didn't matter
so young, just a way to pass the time
sitting on rooftops, playing hide- and- go- get with the neighborhood boys
hitting bitches as a respect ploy
getting finger banged in the backseat, ma in the driver's seat
listening to those soft hits 103.5 the KOST
behind closed bedroom doors, my legs moist
giving up my rights of choice
blurring the line between a ghetto superstar and just being ghetto
riding on top of dicks sneaking in through my window
always the same hopeless romantic
just with a different backdrop
different story for the tear drop
maybe i'll rewrite this later
remember something better
but for now i guess i'll just let the thoughts...
swarm and live in this box...

the things we never know

i'm going to write it all now before now changes
so presently i am about a mile away for an audition i am an hour early for, in my fashion
sitting in front of my oldest brother's house thought i could use his internet to jot down a few words
he and my sister in law and my baby niece ella are out for the day
the audition is one my manager, my sister in law, got me in for
a short film
i play a war veteran
paralyzed

four years ago today i was preparing for a show, losing my mind
in my most precious dreams i only hoped...
to see these faces smiling back at me
happy to see me
now they root for me
and all my new dreams i'm finding difficult to dream
i mean, now that the war is over
the war in my family
i'm so uncertain where my dreams lay now

what happens when dreams come true?
can someone tell me?

when the inventory is done
the casualties are counted and accounted for
the wounds healed

creation, i suppose
but am i ready?
i don't know
but did i ever


i want to sing
songs resonating from another space and time
something God sent
i want to dance
like their could have been no other movement to this song
i want to speak words and hold the world every once and awhile
i want to write my truest truth
love my most lovingly
kiss
alot
smile
plenty


but i don't want to disappoint you
i hate that
your sullen eyes shift a bit
unable to look me in the eye
not wanting to say
i expected more from you
so much more


remember when the fighting stopped
and things were found
things were lost
things were left behind
things endured the test of time
things were forgotten
things were remembered
and what once made me cry
now makes me roar with laughter
and remember how all of this was the reason why i could keep walking
and now because of all of this resolve
i am paralyzed